Len POV
She made me nervous, that sister of mine.
Then, that was nothing new. There wasn't a moment that I wasn't worring and fussing over her these days. I worried when she wasn't by my side, I worried when she was. Hell, I can already expect a couple nice gray hairs on the top of my head by our 18th birthday, and that's best case scenario.
I worry when she's away. She could be getting hurt, being taken advantage of, in danger, caught in the wrong crowd, all of that fun stuff. She was her own person, and I wanted no control of her life, but that didn't keep my from fussing and getting anxious at the thought of not seeing her again.
But being in her presence was a completely different situation altogether. Of course, I enjoy her company. There's nothing I want more than to be able to be close to her without feeling my heart yearn for her. But being Rin, she's a touchy-feely kind of girl, and I know that if she makes one move too far that I might just lose myself and do something that make the both of us hate me. She doesn't need to have a brother like me around, one who holds feelings for her like no sibling ever should.
So naturally, as I walked into our house for the first time since our fight the night before, I was more than a little anxious. She was on to me. She'd asked why I had been scooting around her these past few years. It broke my heart to see her so shaken about a.) my drunken ass that came waddling in our front door, even when she /specifically/ made me promise to never do such a thing, and b.) my lack of brotherly support over the past years.
I has wished so much that I could tell her why, to just spill out my guts and leave nothing held within. However, I had known that doing that would ruin her sight of me for the rest of our lives. But seeing her so heartbroken made me hate myself even more so.
The house was silent as I walked in. My heart raced for some reason as I walked up those stairs and approached her door. I hesitated to knock at first, but eventually forced myself to ask for entrance. She granted it, and the sight that greeted me upon opening the door made me suck in my breath.
Rin tried to appear as if she had not been waiting on me, but I found that hard to believe. She sat on her bed with her hands in her lap. What pulled at my eyes the most was the beautiful nightdress she wore. It fit her form perfectly, and came up to a length on her legs that made my heart pound hard against my chest.
She asked where I had been. I tried to respond with a vague answer, but with the simple movement of her brow she made me fess up to the real location.
I gave her my apologies for the night before. She didn't seem as shaken up about it anymore, but when I asked if I could make it up to her she answered without missing a beat. The dreaded question came. I eventually snapped, not being able to take it anymore.
"Why do you care so much?"
She seemed at a loss for words. There was a certain look in her eye that made me nervous. A flush filled her cheeks. She finally blurted something that made my blood run cold.
"I love you."
The room seemed to disappear between me and her, so that it was just us in a surrounding of darkness. The "I love you" that she had been spoken was the same sound that haunted my dreams at night, taunting me with it's falseness.
She couldn't mean it that way. That just wasn't possible. I went with the safest answer. "I love you too, sis," I said, emphasizing her relation to me obviously.
The determination in her eyes hardened. It was one of the things I loved most about her. She was stronger and braver than I could ever be. "Not in that way. You know what I mean."
This wasn't real. Just as soon as I'd get near my happy ending, it would disappear and I'd wake up.
But her baby blues told me otherwise. They were burning with passion and earnest. She was so hard to resist, it hurt.
I steeled myself. "No. No, you don't."
"I do," she insisted.
She wasn't backing down. My a part of myself cheer. She loves you! This is what you've always wanted so badly, and now it's finally happening! But another part sneered that she only was doing this because she found out how I felt and pitied me.
I kept denying her affections for me, breaking down more and more as I went, but all my accusations bounced off of her with no effect. I eventually gave up, hanging my head low and tears roaming freely down my cheeks in defeat. I felt her approach me. Her warmth alone was starting to soothe me. She took my face into her hands and wiped my tears away. She promised to never forget me, and told me once again that she loved me.
"Do... Do you mean it? You're not just trying to make me happy?" I asked quietly.
"I love you. I love your smile," she touched my lips," I love your eyes," my temple, "I love your voice," my ear, "I love your personality," my chest, "I love your flaws."
Rin smiled up at me and stroked my cheek, a feeling that filled my stomach with butterflies, like I was a grade schooler with a crush. "Len, I love you."
She was so close now that our noses brushed, and my lips longed for hers to just to come a little closer. Her sweet breath tickled my skin as she whispered, "You don't always have to be so strong. "
Time seemed to stop, cliche as it sounds, when she pressed her lips against my own. I had imagined a moment like this since I was fourteen, but no dream or fantasy had prepared me for the sweetness in that kiss. I allowed myself the pleasure of wrapping an arm around her waist and holding her close to me. My hand found a place in her honey blonde hair and entangled itself, pulling her deeper into the kiss.
Her fingers skimmed over my skin as they moved from my face and down my neck, tugging at my collar as she demanded entrance into my mouth. We went back in forth in power, with her dominating with her tongue for a few moments and then vice versa. I found that if I ran my fingers up her back and sent shivers down her spine, I could take dominance from her for a few moments.
We separated for breath for a few seconds, but she pulled me right back in as soon as she was ready. I giddily responded, by tightening my grip of her waist and pressing her body against mine. I couldn't seem to get get close enough to her, and I felt any ounce of restraint left in me falling away, just like my hairtie fell to the ground as Rin tugged it out and ran her fingers through my hair.
I began moving my lips from her mouth to her cheek, down to her jaw and under her chin, creeping down her neck as she encouraged me with a soft moan that drove my senses nuts. I first sucked at her neck, slowly and teasingly, then nipped at it to make sure she was paying attention (though those hot moans were constantly assuring). I repeated the process over and over, enjoying the sounds of enjoyment coming from her mouth. As I did this, she unbuttoned my shirt half way and ran her hands up and down my chest, just to torture me. I stopped my treatment of her neck to see her smiling sexily at me. God, she's turning me on so much just by doing that.
My hand wandered from her waist and down her thigh. She was trembling, and I only just noticed that I was shaking too. Our mouths found each other again in a long, heated kiss, and my fingers traveled slowly up her thigh and against the fabric of her skirt-
A car door slammed loudly in the driveway.
Our lips came apart slowly, as if in disbelief. We both strained our ears as the front door opened and slammed, and the voice of our mother called a greeting up the stairs. We separated quickly, looking at each other shyly.
"That's enough of that," Rin whispered, a tiny smile forming on her pink lips.
"Y-Yeah. I mean- yeah," I stammered.
Really? You just made out with your damn twin sister and all you can say is 'yeah?'
She shifted and dug her feet into her carpet. "I think... we should take this slow."
"That sounds like the best thing to do," I agreed quietly.
We stood in a silence for a while. I could hear Mom coming up the stairs.
"Shit, you should get out of here. I don't want her to suspect anything," Rin said, pushing me gently toward the door.
I held onto her wrist. There was still something I needed to say. "Wait," I whispered.
"What is it?" She pulled me in with those big blue eyes.
I leaned in, my lips near her ear. "I love you. I love you so much. I didn't get to say it earlier," I said against her ear, hoping she couldn't see my wildly flushed face.
She smiled, pressing her lips to my cheek. "I love you too," she spun me around and shoved me out the door, "Goodnight!"
I smiled at her shut door. I felt warm all over. "Goodnight," I said under my breath.
"Len? What were you doing in Rin's room?" a voice asked behind me, making all the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up.
I turned around to see Mom looking at me with her arms crossed.
She tried to appear neutral, but suspicion was clear in her eyes.
I tried to compose my excitement and keep a straight face. "We were just talking," I said vaguely.
"About what?" She asked, her lips in a tight line.
"We had a fight. We were talking it out," I said.
It was the truth. It just didn't include the making out part.
"Ah. That's good. Well, goodnight. Sleep well," she murmured, turning away from me and drifting to her own bedroom.
Something in the back of my mind told me that she knew I wasn't telling the whole story, but I was so stricken with love at the moment, most of my senses were numbed. I practically floated back to my bedroom. For once, I went to bed early. Every time I tried to go over notes or design new building ideas, I got distracted by thinking about her.
It was the best sleep I had gotten in years.
Secret Sins
Chapter 7
Alas, I'm a Selfish Boy
It took a while to adjust to the drastic change in our relationship. When I woke up the next morning, I had thought that the evening's events had all been another one of my dreams. I went about my usual routine, getting ready for school and trying to steer clear of her as much as possible until we had to walk together. We said goodbye to our parents and head off. I practically jumped ten feet into the air when Rin took my hand and laced her fingers with mine.
It was real. She loved me. She knew about my feelings and wasn't disgusted by them. She wasn't going to let me ignore her anymore. Even better, I didn't have to.
When we went to school that day, even after we separated hands, I felt every single eye that landed on me. I felt that my love for my sister was written all over my face; branded on my chest, even. I thought that one person could take one glance at me and know what a twisted person I was.
But that wasn't the case. People still looked at me the same. My friends treated me as if nothing had changed. And nothing had, I realized, to their knowledge. Rin and I were still Kagamine Rin and Len, the twins that were once close but now avoided one another like the plague. The secret of our sins were locked between us, and we were the only ones to have the key.
Of course, over the months that followed, we settled into a somewhat normal routine (as normal as an incestuous relationship can be). After school, if we didn't have homework, we'd go to a local cafe or something. If we did, we went home and studied together at the kitchen table. Almost every night before we went to sleep, she came to my room or vice versa and we'd talk for hours until Mom would bang on the door and snap at us to go to bed. As spring came upon us, it was nice enough to go and sneak off to the roof, where we could sit and look at the stars together. It was as if we were making up for the years we had lost because of my cowardice.
"When did you figure it out?" I asked one of those nights.
The air was getting chilly, and though I was plenty warm by having her in my arms, we had a blanket wrapped around us. She was silent for a moment, then asked, "Figure what out?"
"Figure out how you felt about me."
I couldn't see her face, because she was sitting in front of me, but I felt her shoulders go up and down as she giggled a bit. "It's kind of embarrassing, actually. You remember that night I went to the movies with Mikuo?"
"Yeah," I grumbled, scowling at the memory.
"I already had been feeling strangely about you at the time. I didn't really understand what it was until Mikuo kissed me," she said.
I scowled even more. "Wait, what does that idiot kissing you have to do with it?"
"Well, when he kissed me, I was naturally surprised. My eyes were open and looking at him but... It wasn't Mikuo. It was you. I saw you instead. I was imagining that you were kissing me," she explained shyly.
Her skin felt warm, which made me guess that she was blushing. I couldn't help but break into a smile. She squeaked in embarrassment when I wrapped my arms around her waist even tighter and kissed her hair on the back of her head. "W-What about you? When did you realize?"
My smile faded as I tried to remember. I don't think there was a specific moment that I had realized that I was in love with my sister, it was more of a growing feeling that set itself in my heart, like an infection growing worse and worse as time went on.
"I think that I finally admitted it to myself when we were about fourteen," I started.
Rin nodded her head like she had suspected this.
"I think we were writing a song for the Vocaloid 8," I remembered, and told her the memory as best that I could.
"But the earth will always revolve because of you and - crap! I bit my tongue!" Rin exclaimed, holding her tongue between her fingers.
She pouted and threw the song papers up into the air, which came back down and made a mess on the floor. "Why are we making this song? We're not even Gemini! We're Capricorn!""
I glared at her, picking up the papers and trying to arrange them in the correct order again. "They wanted a twin song. How good does 'We are still Capricorn' sound to you."
She flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling. "Capricorn. It reminds me of caramel corn. Lenny, I'm soooo hungry... Let's just call it a night and go home," she whined.
Food did sound great, but I could expect a good kick to the gut from Meiko if we didn't finish this song up by tonight. "Come on, we've only got a couple more lines to go. Then we can go to that gourmet popcorn place on the corner and buy, like, a bucket of caramel corn."
It seemed bribing her was the only way to get her to get things done these days. Never the less, it got her attention. She sat up and helped me gather the papers. "So after that line, we should do the beginning lines again, right?" she said. She was good at this when she actually wanted to try.
"Yeah, that should work, but we've still got over half a minute to fill. Maybe some instrumental can fill that, but we should have at least a couple more lines of vocals."
"We could reiterate. Like, sum up everything and wrap it up in a nice little bow."
"And how would we put it into words?"
She thought for a moment and cleared her throat. "We are Gemini, attracted to each other,"she sang.
I unconsciously stared at her as she sang. There was something about her voice that always entranced me. Of course, it was similar to mine, but there was something about it that made it an insult to compare it to mine. Some people nicknamed her Blonde Miku, but I thought that my sister's voice was distinctly different, smoother and a little lower. It had a way of pulling you in with its strength and unexpected sweetness.
"Len?"
I snapped out of my gaze. She had stopped singing, and she was looking at me with raised eyebrows. "What? Sorry, I zoned out."
"Obviously. You were staring at me strangely," she said, grinning a bit.
A flush involuntarily filled my cheeks. "Was not!" I protested.
"Were too! You practically had stars in your eyes," she gloated smugly.
"Whatever! Let's just finish the song," I grumbled.
When she settled down enough, we began singing the song from the top. We came to our new bit, singing together.
Even when we are apart, we are still
the opposite sides of a constellation soaring in the sky.
Be it a boisterous day or a sorrowful night,
we are still Gemini, attracting each other across the sky.
The more that I thought about it, the song lyrics seemed to imply more than a brother-sister relationship. I despised the rising blush on my cheeks as I sang the final lines.
We are Gemini, attracted to each other
I looked at my twin. She really was beautiful. Her hair and skin were kissed by the sun and her blue eyes churned like two mini oceans. She was sweet when she wanted to be. When she wasn't teasing me, she could be caring, gentle even. I wondered how long it had been since she'd hugged me last, and I found myself craving to feel her touch.
Wait, what? What are you even thinking?! She's your annoying little sister! Do you have any idea how many times she's punched you or made fun of you? She's not in the least bit attractive, and don't even get me started about how flat her chest is, I thought furiously.
We are Gemini, attracted to each other.
When we stopped singing, Rin smiled at me. "All done! Now let's get out of here!"
My heart raced as she took my hand and yanked me up, tugging me out the door. My mind was too preoccupied with the many thoughts in my head, swirling like a hurricane, to pay attention her going on about what size popcorn she was going to buy with the money in my wallet. The word 'attracted' wouldn't leave my ears.
It was then that the dark realization came upon me, answering why I had felt so strangely about my dear sister for the past few months. It explained why I felt a jolt of electricity every time we touched, why I felt like I could explode when I saw boys flirting with her, why it felt like I was on fire whenever she slung her arm around my shoulders. I loved her. I was in love with her. I held feelings for her that no sibling should, wanted to do things with her that were illegal for a reason, wanted to hold her dear and all to myself. I was ill, and I had let this illness build up for months and months until it was too much to remain unacknowledged.
I felt like the entire world was closing in around me. I've always been claustrophobic, and being pulled by my sister through large crowds of people on the streets raised my panic. They know. They can see my blushing face, they know how twisted I am. I'm marked with this sin, and my only choice is to bear it and hide it as well as possible, I thought frantically.
I stopped abruptly, causing my hand to slip out of Rin's. She turned around, looking at me with confusion. "Len? What's wrong?" she asked with concern.
My head hung low and my bangs shadowed my eyes as I clenched my fists. I dug into my pocket and handed her a couple hundred yen, careful not to make contact between our hands. "You go on ahead. I don't feel so well. I'll meet you at home," I said in the most level voice I could muster.
"Are you sure? I mean, I don't have to get the popcorn. I'll find something to eat at home. C'mon, let's go together," she said.
My throat swelled. How can you be so nice to me? You're putting a monster's needs before yours?
"No, I insist. I'll see you in a bit," I choked out.
I ran away before she could protest. I sprinted, pushing through masses of people. I didn't care where I went, but I had to get out of there. I couldn't be near her. I'd run a hundred miles if I had to; as long as she didn't have to be in the presence of someone like me. There was no way that I deserved someone like her, or that she deserved to be tied into something so sinister.
"It was then that I started to hide myself from you. There were times when I let my guard down, like when we cooked dinner and watched a movie or when we danced to Gemini before your date with Mikuo. Most of them ended in disaster. I had no idea how much I was hurting you, Rin. I was selfish. I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry," I finished, feeling the familiar guilt washing over me again.
She turned around in her position to face me. "Don't be. You didn't know. I didn't know. We were both misunderstanding each other. It worked out in the end, didn't it? We can't afford to dwell on the past, so we should put it behind us and focus on what's happening now," she told me with a stern look.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled her into a hug. "Right. What's happening now," I repeated.
Our relationship wasn't all warm and fuzzies. Our confessions to each other didn't erase both of our stubborn personalities. We weren't fighting about isolation anymore. We fought over dumb things, like brothers and sisters - and couples - do. The average argument could begin with something like this:
"Hey, Rin, is that my tooth brush?"
"No."
"Pretty sure it is."
"Len, it's not."
"My toothbrush is the yellow and blue one."
"No it's not! The yellow and blue one is mine!"
"Yours is the yellow and orange one!"
"..."
"..."
"...Same genes."
"God, you're so infuriating!"
"It's a toothbrush, Len! It's no big deal!"
"It's not just about the toothbrush! Everythings 'no big deal' with you!"
"Oh. My. God. Are we seriously going to fight about my personality because of a damn toothbrush?"
And it went back and forth from there, until we ran out of comebacks and we were just whining "Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!" or "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!" at each other. We always made up afterward and laughed about how dumb it was.
The main problem I was having I kept to myself. I didn't think about it often, but when I did it ate away at me for hours until I found something that would make me forget about it altogether. It was subtle, but it was enough to shake me up bad.
Some days it would take was for her to touch my arm, kiss me on the cheek, or even look at me some way. A little voice snarled in the back of my head. This is wrong, it snarled, this is so wrong.
Shut up, I would tell it, You think I didn't know that?
She's your sister, it ignored me.
Oh my God, I had no idea!
You could go to jail. Both of you. Your parents would disown you. Your friends would never speak to you. Is that a way you want to live? Detested by society? Is it worth it? Is she worth it?
Of course she was worth it. Even if it were just us against the world, I'd be happy with just her. But as much as I hated to admit it, the voice had a point. All of those things could happen. Was I willing to put us through that, no matter how much I loved her? What if things didn't even work out in the end? We could end this right now. We could go our separate ways, fall in love with other people, and maybe even keep a healthy brother-sister relationship.
Again, I was selfish. I knew that I didn't want that, even though it was the best fate for the both of us. I wanted to keep her to myself, even if that put her through the pain possibly being shunned for the rest of her life. She didn't deserve that. I was horribly, beyond repair, fucked up. And the way she kissed me, the way she looked at me and talked to me, she showed me that she was no saint either.
*waits silently*
yeah.
i think you can tell this was my first time writing a full out make out scene. i'm horrible at it, and i was blushing and fidgeting the entire time i wrote it. i'm such a virgin it HURTS. but anyway, if you guys thought i did ok, i might add a little more next chapter. but idk. i'm pretty sure that that would bump this story to an M rating, but i need to know if that is okay with you guys. maybe i'll just make it so it doesn't need to be read, so you can choose if you want to read my horrible smut skills or not. i already hope that all the little ones sneaking around this site have backed off.
I. NEED. FEEDBACK. i need to know if this is going in the right direction or not. am i too cheesy? too unrealistic? I MUST KNOW. its very very important to me. and the way i can get this info is through reviews! my goal is at least 10 reviews (with feedback) before i post the next chapter. you guys can do it! i love you guys!
until next time!
