A/N Thank you so much for reading this story, it's an emotional one to write, and I have to say, this chapter is a bit tough as we see Daryl get very honest, with himself and others. That being said, there's also a lot of love and caring here, and yes, Daryl and Beth continue to grow closer. Trigger warning for war atrocities.

And to the Guest who asked if Merle killed Carol's husband - all I can say is, I'm no snitch ;)

This day was starting off just right. It seemed like such a simple gesture, just making Daryl a lunch, but it had obviously been a big deal to him. She couldn't believe he'd hugged her that way, and he'd told her she meant a lot to him. Yep, this day was starting out pretty great.

Before she left for the animal shelter she gave Maggie a quick call about Friday night. She was almost as excited as Beth, she and Glenn had heard all about Daryl and they were anxious to meet him.


She kept checking the time. He'd told her he'd be late, but still she was concerned about him. If he did talk to Tom then this night was going to be huge for him, and undoubtedly painful. It wasn't exactly that she was worried about him, it was more like she felt for him. She knew how big this was, how emotional it would be. She hated to think of the trauma he'd go through reliving whatever it was that he'd been through, but she also knew it could be a big release for him. It could help him.

She didn't hear the bike pull up until just after 9:00, and instead of going to his house, he knocked at her door.

"Hey Beth, I know you probably heard me n all, but I just wanted to come by n tell you I'm home." He looked like he'd been put through the wringer; she could tell just by looking at him he was emotionally spent.

"Thanks Daryl, I've been thinking about you and hoping everything went okay." She reached for his hand and he didn't pull away, instead he gave her hand a little squeeze.

"Yeah I got a lot out, but not all of it, made a real start though. I just couldn't go no further, not tonight. Gonna try again Wednesday, you know, if I feel like I can. Anyway, I gotta get to bed, I'm beat; just wanted to let you know. I'll see you tomorrow, k?"

"Sure Daryl, I hope you get a good night's sleep."

"Yeah, thanks Beth, you too."


When she woke at 1:00am it sounded like there was a demolition team in his house. She'd heard him plenty of times, but never anything like this, this was frightening. When she heard a very loud crash it scared her enough that she called Merle, and she hurriedly changed from her nightgown to sweats and tennis shoes.

When Merle's truck pulled up she ran out to give him the key to Daryl's. The nightmare noises had stopped, but she could still hear him over there. Now it sounded like he was awake and yelling at himself.

She knew she wouldn't fall back to sleep, she felt like she was on adrenaline overload. She was pacing the living room when 40 minutes later a knock came to her door. She put her hand to the knob, "Yes?"

"Yeah Beth, it's Merle." She quickly opened the door. He looked rough, like he'd had a terrible experience.

"Ya done the right thing ta call me Beth, it ain't so good. Daryl wants ya ta come see him. I see ya got yer shoes on, that's good, yer gonna need 'em. Ya need ta know it ain't pretty over there. Listen now, Daryl ain't gonna be able ta work for a couple days, so he'll be cleaning the place up after things settle down a little tonight. Any damage ta the structure or the furnishin's, well Daryl or me, we'll take care a that. I'm real sorry for the trouble."

She was in a near panic now, what in the world had happened? "Oh and here's yer key, I'll walk ya over there, then I'll get along home. And listen, if ya want him ta move out I get it, he can come back n stay with me n Carol. I'd understand Beth, so would he."

She tried to remain calm when Daryl opened the door but it was shocking. She saw why Merle made sure she was wearing shoes. The TV lay broken on the floor, there was a broken lamp, and it looked like someone had randomly picked up just about everything in the room and thrown it. Some of the furnishings were upended and there was a bloody hole in the drywall. She could see his hand was bandaged. God only knew what his room looked like.

He'd moved to the couch and he had his head in his hands. He was wearing just his flannel sleep pants and with the bandaged hand, the scars all over his body, and the downcast posture, he looked just like the broken man he always claimed to be.

She didn't say anything, she just sat next to him. He started to speak and his voice was rough and the tone despairing. She moved to put an arm around him but he pulled away, "No goddammit Beth, no. Don't you see? Don't you get it? I'm a fucked up mess and I'm dangerous, dangerous to myself, but that ain't the worst, I'm dangerous to you. You gotta keep away from me Beth, I can't be around a nice person like you, can't risk hurtin' you, n fuck, I can't move back in with Merle, I can't risk hurtin' them kids or Carol." And he began to weep. It was a quiet crying, but the tears were there.

"No Daryl. I'm not going to let you push me away. I've known from the minute I met you your life is a mess, but that isn't who you are, that's what happened to you. You'll never convince me you can't get better, that you're not worth caring about, because damn you I care about you and I'm not walking away. I'm not giving up on you and I'm not going to stand back and watch you give up on yourself." She had begun softly crying.

"I care about you too much Beth, I can't risk it."

"Oh yeah? Well I care about you too much not to risk it."

"Fuck, it's all a big fuckin' mess, I don't know what the hell to do with myself, or for myself. I wrecked the house, screwed up my hand. I scared you bad enough to wake up my brother in the middle of the night, scared the fuck outta him. What can I do? You think you got answers for me? Tell me, what the fuck can I do?"

"I don't have answers but I have a start, call your Doctor in the morning, go see him. Call Tom, talk to him. Go to the people who understand what it is you're going through, they want to help you and they can. But don't you dare push me away Daryl Dixon, don't you dare break my heart."

He looked at her for the first time since she'd gotten there, "I don't wanna give you up, but Beth, I gotta look out for you." That's when she put her arms around his neck, he didn't pull away, instead he put his arms around her and his forehead rested on her shoulder. They clung tightly to one another, both with silent tears.

They continued their embrace and she whispered, "We'll figure it out Daryl, we have to."

With his forehead still resting on her shoulder, he began, "I want to Beth, more than anythin'. Maybe the talkin' brought it all up to the surface again, only this nightmare was the worst ever. It was exactly like it all went down. I's sure I's there, it was real, they had me and Tommy Wayne tied up, they'd had us watchin' while they slowly killed the others in the most grisly ways a person can die. It took two days for them to kill eight of the finest people I've ever known. It was like they was enjoyin' humiliatin' 'em, torturin' 'em, causin' em the worst kinda pain before they died. Then they was comin' after Tommy Wayne, he was the only real close friend I ever had. I was tryin' to get outta them restraints, tryin' to get to Tommy Wayne, save him, and they done that to him, I can't tell ya what they done Beth, but it was way beyond horrible. I never thought a human could do sumthin' like that to another human. He was laying there dying n they was laughin' n they was spittin' on him. And somehow I finally busted outta that restraint n the last thing Tommy Wayne said was, 'go' and I did. Like a big fuckin' chicken shit I ran n I got outta there. I's the only one who didn't die on that mission, it started with twelve of us. Max n Ernie died right at the beginning, they was the lucky ones. I's the only one made it home. It ain't fuckin' right. I shoulda been able to save 'em or I shoulda died with 'em. After I ran, I's out there in that godforsaken sandbox for a few weeks, just survivin'. I's hidin' out, but it was like I's just usin' my skills, not really thinkin', I's out of it. Another group a Rangers rescued me, that's how I made it home."

She didn't know what to say, now her emotions were a mess. He'd just shared with her a huge part of his story. It was heartbreaking, it was horrifying. Seemingly, without him even thinking about it the story had just flowed from him. She knew she didn't have words to help him. She did the only thing she knew to do, she held him tighter.

Daryl

I couldn't believe it when I finally "came to". My hand was a throbbing bloody mess, the house was worse, and I felt like my body, my mind and my heart had all been hit by a Mac truck.

I was so goddamn pissed off at myself. I'm s'posed to be gettin' better. I'd told Tom a lot of what happened. I'd gotten to the part where we got captured, how they had us tied up, sittin' in that pile a rocks, waitin' our turn to die a miserable fuckin' death. 7,000 miles from home.

That beat me, and I just didn't feel like I could tell all the rest. We planned ta meet up again Wednesday n I's gonna try n go on with it. Yeah well, maybe I shoulda just got it out, cuz fuck, I dreamed it, but it wasn't a dream. It was so fuckin' real. The agony on the faces of my brothers. But they didn't cry out, they was so brave. I'll never forget Bill lookin' at that bastard who'd just cut his ears off n sayin' "Fuck you asshole." Damn, that was one tough sumbitch right there.

Now I went n told so much of it to Beth, I don't even know why the fuck I done that, it was like I just had to say it all the sudden. And Beth, well I knew she'd just listen, I knew she wouldn't judge me, wouldn't tell me everythin's alright. She's real people, she knows everythin' ain't alright. Everythin' is a long way from alright.

She never stops amazin' me that woman. I'd asked Merle to please get her, bring her over. I wanted to show her, I wanted to scare her away. She's too special, too sweet, she don't need me ruining her fuckin' life. But damn, the girl won't give up on me. And shit, I guess I ain't tough enough to walk away from her. I just can't, my heart is too full a feelin's for her. I need her.

So here we are again in my bed, her pretty head restin' on my back and her arm around me. And I know it ain't right, I oughta tell her to get the fuck outta here n never come back, but I can't, cuz there's no place else I want her to be but here, with me. I'm a selfish man.

xxxx

At 6:30a.m. they woke to a banging on the door. Daryl looked at her and groggily said, "Got to be Merle." They went to the door together. Merle looked surprised for just a moment, "Mornin', is everyone doin' alright?" Daryl opened the door wider to let his brother in.

"Sorry for the trouble Merle, it was the worst one yet. I's lucky to have you n Beth, real lucky, I know that."

"It ain't yer fault little brother. All we can do now is see ta fixin' up the mess, gettin' yer hand healed up, n tryin' ta figure out how we're gonna get ya helped." Merle always was and always would be a man who liked an order to things.

"Beth come up with a couple suggestions, n I think she's right. I'ma call the shrink this mornin', see if I can talk to him, n I'ma call the Vet I told you about, Tom, see if he has time to get together. When I ain't doin' that, I'ma clean this mess up. You think I could borrow your truck today, you take my bike? I'ma need to go to the hardware store, gonna need drywall n paint n shit."

"Yeah, no problem," and Merle tossed him the keys. Beth came in from the kitchen with coffees for everyone. They drank in silence. Merle in the chair, and Beth sitting next to Daryl. Merle didn't miss the way Daryl reached out to take her hand.

Merle

When Beth called in the middle a the night I knew it had ta be bad. Shit, she'd gone ta his place more'n once when he was havin' one a his nightmares. Her bein' scared ta do that told me for sure it was a shit storm.

Still, when I walked in the place I's shocked, maybe I wouldn't a been if it hadn't been my baby brother. But fuck, it was. The boy was cussin' hisself out, had tears, hand was bleedin' all over the fuckin' place, n shit the place looked like a goddamn cyclone went through it.

The hardest part was, there wasn't nuthin' I could do. Yeah sure, I doctored up his hand, but fuck, I can't make this go away for him. I can't help him get the hell outta his misery.

I wanted ta help with sumthin', so I offered ta help him clean the place up. I's hurt n proud all at once when he said nah, he needed ta do it his ownself.

He wanted me ta get Beth. He told me he was gonna tell her he didn't want nuthin' ta do with her anymore. Said he was doin' it for her cuz he didn't wanna hurt her. I got it, makes sense, but shit I know they're crazy about each other. I can tell just by watchin' 'em when they're together.

Me n Carol we like Beth a lot. She's been real good for baby brother, she's gotten him ta come outta his shell a little, do stuff, participate. Then I show up early in the mornin' n it's obvious she spent the night there. He's told me how they just lay in bed together, they don't do nuthin', he says they ain't ready for that, he's gotta get better first. That sounds smart and like the right thing. Not what I'd do, but still, smart and the right thing. Anyway, I seen him take her hand, that was real sweet.

I'm just hopin' ta God somehow this is a turnin' point, n I'm grateful the girl made him think ta call the doc n this Vet fella.

Damn, sumthin's gotta help, it's just gotta.

xxxx

She fixed them breakfast at her place and they ate in comfortable silence. Then he spoke, "I can make my phone calls as soon as it's eight. Then I'll go right to the hardware store n get everythin' I need n get the house right back the way it was, I promise Beth, and you know I'm real sorry."

"I'm not worried at all, remember I know you." Then she reached for his hand, "And please stop apologizing, you didn't mean to and I'm not upset about the things, they don't mean anything to me. You mean something to me."

He didn't know what to say so he just gave her that shy half smile, nodded and said, "Thanks Beth."

Beth

When I woke up to that noise I was so scared I thought my heart would freeze. I was so afraid for Daryl, so afraid he'd hurt himself. I just didn't know. I'm so grateful I had Merle's number, and that I'd gotten to know him a little so I felt comfortable calling.

And I'm so glad I stood my ground with Daryl, that I didn't let him push me away. Maybe I'm crazy to be so crazy about him. He's right, he is broken, but I can't give up on him. I can't. I care way too much. And I know what a wonderful man he is, that he's kind, goodhearted and he has so much love for the simple things in life, the things that matter. The way he loves those kids, the way he loves the outdoors, the way he loves music.

And I can't pretend that he isn't the most handsome and sexiest man I've ever known, but that's not what's important, that's just the icing on the cake.

When we hugged and cried he broke my heart with his story. I can't in my worst nightmare even imagine the hell that was, and I didn't even hear the whole story. I didn't hear the worst of it. I can't imagine the guilt of it all, being the only survivor. He has nothing to feel guilty for, but I do know about survivor's guilt. Certainly not on the level he must feel it, but enough to know it's real, it's painful and it can be debilitating.

And in all of that I didn't lose sight of the fact that again, he'd opened up to me, shared with me something profoundly personal. So although it was incredibly disturbing, and unbelievably sad, I feel blessed that he shared with me, that he trusts me that much.

I just pray that someone has the answer for him.

xxxx

He'd called his psychiatrist as soon as the clock struck eight. He told him the gist of what had happened the night before, and what had happened many times before that. He told him about the drinking just to get to sleep, about his anger and his outbursts, about the fear, about the pain. In other words, Daryl Dixon got honest. The doctor told him to come in at 11:00 am, and then the Doctor wanted Tom to come in at noon for a group consultation.

When he left she did something she'd neglected doing since her parents and Shawn had died, she prayed, prayed somehow he could be helped.

It was 2:30 by the time he got back. He was on his bike, so she knew he'd stopped to see Merle. He came right to her door.

The first thing he did, and she was caught completely by surprise, was he took her in his arms. He hugged her tightly, like he thought she might try to breakaway, his face pressed into her hair. After a few minutes he pulled back, "We gotta talk about sumthin' Beth, k?"

"Yes sure, we can go out on the porch, can I get you a beer or a sweet tea?" She was a nervous wreck now, and trying hard not to show it.

"Um, I'd have a beer, ain't gonna get to have any of those for a long time."

Oh no, what could that mean? She decided she'd better pour herself a glass of wine.

They were sitting on the porch, both silent. He was sipping his beer, so unlike the first time he'd had a beer on her porch. She was sipping on her wine, dying to know what was going on, afraid to know what was going on, and too smart to ask until he was ready to tell.

Finally he spoke, "So I's 100% honest with the Doc for the first time. I spilled everythin' about the way I've been livin' my life. I told him about the weeks a eatin' nuthin' but fast food, chips, n suckin' down beers. I told him about the anxiety, I told him how I yelled at you that night when you was so sweet n you played me your songs. I told him about the huntin' trip n how we was havin' so much fun, n then you tripped n I lost control. I told him about the dreams, how they'd been escalatin' n about last night. I told him a lotta other stuff too, guy stuff. Anyway, then Tom came. We talked about what I told him last night, then I told 'em both what I told you, but I filled in the gruesome parts, which I am never tellin' you Beth. The Doc damn near threw up, n we all got pretty shook."

He paused, got out a cigarette, lit it and took a long drag, followed by a hardy swallow of the beer. "Seems there might be some help for me, ain't gonna be easy, but that's okay, I don't care. I'm all in Beth, I gotta be. I want this. I need this. I got to get better." And now he looked in her eyes. "I hope you can understand what I gotta do," and he took in a deep breath. "There's a group a veterans up near D.C. It's a private thing, ain't part of the VA or any hospital or anythin' like that. But the Doc has been there, observed the program, n Tom has too. In fact Tom has done some work up there. The whole thing is run by Vets for Vets sufferin' with PTSD."

He asked for another beer and she got it for him, then he continued. "Couple a things about it is, I gotta pay for it myself, ain't covered by the VA. That's okay though, shit, I have lots a money in the bank. I made a lot in combat pay, and Merle pays me good, plus I hardly spend money, so that ain't a problem. The other thing is, I gotta be gone two months n I can't have no contact with anyone durin' that time, unless it's a fuckin' full blown life n death emergency. It's some kind of intense thing, shit, like Ranger training. They said it's gonna hurt real bad before it gets better. I'ma do it Beth. I gotta. But damn, I'ma miss ya bad, n I can't expect you to just hang around here wonderin' what I'm doin', if I'ma have my shit together when I do get back. I can't expect, I don't expect, but I just hope. I hope you'll wait for me so maybe we can try, if I get better an all, to get closer."

She put her hands to either side of his face and looked into his eyes,"Daryl I've been telling you for a while now, I'm not giving up on you. I want you to get better and I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to help you. I'm going to be right here when you get back, waiting." And with that, she leaned up and softly kissed him.

A/N I don't know about you, but it knocked the wind right out of me. I want to clarify that I made up the program in D.C. I have no idea if such a program exists. I hope one does. I also made up Daryl's story, based on bits and pieces of stories I've been told. As always, I'd appreciate hearing from you. xo

I am not an expert in PTSD. I do know there are many different symptoms, and no two people are the same. It's my intent to respect those who suffer, but please keep in mind, this is a work of fiction.