Chapter 7: Request
"What do you mean?" Ethan demanded. I was still crying, this time not bothering to hide my tears.
"I don't know what other souls feel like," I whispered, my eyes dropping back to the floor. "I feel confused, and lonely, and horrible all the time. Everyone else around me seems so happy with his or her existence of total peace, and I want to be happy to. I'm not human, and yet I have all the emotions of a human. I don't feel like a soul should, and yet I could never be cruel like a human. I just feel bored all the time, and there's no way to fix it. Now, I finally feel like a person, and it's just because I'm about to be sent to another planet to feel even more confused on."
It was Ethan's turn to apologize this time. "I'm sorry," he whispered. I could tell he was uncomfortable with my crying, but I couldn't make myself stop.
"You can't know what it's like," I murmured miserably. "To feel like an intruder on yourself from the moment you're born. You can't imagine what it feels like to want to go find the only things souls consider dangerous because you have no better memory to go on. There's no way for you to fathom how it feels to see the anguish in two completely soul parents when they miss their human daughter and see their parasitic nature reflected back on them. It's horrible, and yet, I can't make myself wish I was any different because I'm a soul, and wanting to be anything else would be selfish. I can't be angry that you're going to send me away, and I can't be hurt that Layla hates me without ever giving me a chance. I shouldn't even be able to sit here crying, but my childlike human emotions gave way over my sensibility."
"I'm sorry," Ethan repeated, shifting nervously.
"Can we just go?" I asked softly, wiping my tears away.
"Yeah," he said quickly, "That'd probably be best."
I was surprised as Ethan quickly got to his feet and offered me a hand up. Then again, I supposed it wasn't as though he had a problem with souls, just with me. Reluctantly I accepted the help, carefully teetering to my feet once more.
"It's this way," He said gently, leading me towards the end of the tunnel.
"I know," I whispered. He gave me a funny look over his shoulder, finally just shrugging. I supposed my knowledge of things I'd never seen still bothered him.
"Can I just say one thing before you make me leave?" I asked him quietly, our footsteps echoing through the tunnel as the only other noise. He didn't answer, though by now I took that to mean it was alright to ask. "Did it ever occur to you that our mother, Wanda, asked what she did because she wanted one of her children to live on earth?"
Ethan's response was immediate and angry as he whirled around to face me. "One of her children does live on earth!"
I sighed, shaking my head. "Never mind. I was just wondering if you'd ever considered that it was your mothers final wish that she be able to share her knowledge as a soul for the better good. Maybe it doesn't matter to humans; they're such complex creatures I really wouldn't be able to tell. It just seemed like it would bother you to ignore your mother's wish. If Wanda was as wonderful as you make her sound, I guess I just wonder why you won't honor her last request."
Ethan's mouth gaped in an odd sort of way that I didn't recognize on him. He seemed surprised by my sudden burst of reason.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil your plans," I muttered, "I'm sure they were very heroic in your mind."
He just stared at me, completely at a loss for words. "What can I do?" He whispered at last, looking down to the floor rather than at me.
"Take me home," I whispered, though even I knew this wasn't one of the options. In all honesty, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to the boredom of soul life, but I knew that I couldn't stand to think of Honey's parents never seeing her again.
"That's not possible," He said, shaking his head firmly. "You'd tell."
This insulted me a little for some reason, and before I could stop myself I responded. "Would not."
His eyes met mine in a flash and there was something close to amusement in his gaze. "At least you act your age," He murmured.
I could feel myself blush, already wishing I hadn't spoken. "Then take me to Doc," I muttered at last. "Send me to some planet where I can't move, or even think effectively."
"That's what I should do," He said fiercely. Even to my unaccustomed ears I could tell that he was trying to convince himself as much as me. I stared at him, realizing for the first time how painful of a decision my departure must be for him. What was it like for him to know that his mother's memories were in this foreign person, but that I might be nothing like her at all?
"Her memories will go away eventually," I told him quietly. "Then you'll just have me. Don't think of this like a choice between getting your mother back… I'm just another soul. Your only choice is whether you're going to kill a little girl by taking the only thoughts she has in her out."
"Layla's right, you aren't safe to have around," He whispered, still talking more to himself than to me.
"Then let's go see Doc," I said, a little impatiently. I took a step towards his tunnel and felt Ethan's large hand engulf my much smaller one.
"But… You won't tell, will you?" He didn't wait for me to answer, just kept mumbling to himself. "If you have Wanda's memories, surely you'd be more loyal to us than the souls… But if her memories are going to go away…
"What would you do?" Ethan's voice was strained as he looked down at me. "If our places were reversed, what would you decide?"
"I'm not human," I reminded him softly. At his pleading look I decided to continue anyway. "If I was in your place I'd send myself far away as possible so that all the humans are gone by the time I could come back." I said softly.
He smiled a little, seeming glad that I agreed with him. I just looked back towards the tunnel, a memory suddenly resurfacing stronger than any had for a while.
I could see a man, Ian, I realized, talking to Wanda. He was scolding her, telling her that she needed to make a decision for herself. He was trying to get her to tell them what she personally wanted done, not what everyone else wanted her to say. It was a hopeless mission, and yet the thought made me smile a little. It must have been nice to have someone who wanted to know what she wanted done.
Ethan was watching me suspiciously, apparently having noticed my sudden smile.
"What?" he demanded cautiously.
"Just a memory," I said, shrugging a little.
"What was it about?" he asked softly.
I just shook my head. "You'd say I was making things up to help myself."
"Try me," He insisted.
I sighed a little, looking back towards the tunnel. "I saw Ian, your father, talking to Wanda. He was trying to get her to tell him what she wanted to do about something, but all she ever answered was what would be best for everyone else. It was a ridiculous thing to do."
"No it isn't!" Ethan's voice was hard and furious this time. I looked back at him in surprise. "It's not ridiculous that he wanted Wanda to pick for herself."
"It is when she's a soul," I answered coolly. I could see Ethan staring at me, seeming to try and force himself into asking something.
"What do you want?" He whispered.
"I already told you-" I began.
"No, you said what I wanted to hear. You said what you'd do if you were me. You never told me what you wanted me to chose."
The next answer came more easily than I expected. "I told you I wanted to go home."
"You said you were bored at home, why do you want to go back?"
I tried to take a step forward but Ethan's hand was still curled firmly around mine. I didn't look at him this time, just stared at my feet and said nothing.
"What do you want, Honey?"
"I don't know," I told him honestly. "It doesn't matter anyway."
"Never say that," he answered fiercely, "It does matter."
I looked up at him, feeling exhausted. "Did Wanda ever make a single decision for herself in all the time she was here?"
"Yes," Ethan said, surprising me. "She decided to make you."
