Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. But you'd know if it was.
Rating: This is PG13 for a reason, and if I could make it PG16 or something, I would.
Pairings: None, though I hint at everything.
Summary: Josef rants about the holidays throughout the year.
Warning: This work of fiction may contain material that is offensive to some people. If bashing religious and non-religious holidays bothers you, you have been warned. I would like to remind the readers that this fanfic does not reflect my opinions on any of the following: religion, politics, life, death, love and any other topic you don't like people to piss on. I am simply trying to write as a fictional character. Apologies in advance to all those who are offended.
AS I SEE IT...
Chapter 7
I remember the days when dressing like a witch could get you hanged. Overlooking the fact that there was no actual physical profile for witches, however, I'm pretty sure that carrying a cauldron and a broom while wearing a green mask would qualify you as a witch in those times. Come to think of it, I knew a few Pagan women—witches, I guess—and they looked nothing like the modern stereotypical portrayal of the Wicked Witch of the West.
I'm talking about—you guessed it!—Halloween. Another one of those human holidays Mick's little appetizer seems to enjoy so much. I thought she'd learned her lesson back in April, but oh no, not her. After the Easter incident, I bought myself a calendar with a big red X on each holiday Beth might try to ram down my throat, so this time, I was prepared when Mick called to invite me over.
"I know what today is, you know," I said drily. "And the answer is no."
Mick sighed over the phone. On my end, it sounded like a rush of static. "You don't even know what I was going to ask, Josef."
"Yes I do. So why don't you tell Beth—because I know she's there, or you wouldn't be bothering me in the first place about this—that I'm not putting on some stupid costume for her entertainment. She can do that to her dog. I, however, am not her bitch."
"Josef, she doesn't have a dog," Mick said, laughing. "And that's not what I was calling about."
I frowned. "Out with it, then."
"Beth is covering a story at this club downtown, and they're having a huge Halloween party. Guess what the theme is."
"Don't tell me…" I groaned. "Not…"
"Yeah," he sighed. "Vampires."
I smacked my head against the wall. "You know, ever since that book Twilight came out…" I began. "We're being portrayed as 'righteous, misunderstood creatures' … At least Dracula got us some respect!"
This is one thing that really pisses me off. I have no problem with humans wearing costumes. But, really… they need to get the costumes right. The three most cliché, fucked-up costumes I've seen are witches, ghosts, and (sadly) vampires.
Now, this doesn't mean that you can't do those costumes right, however! Last year, there was this twenty-something-year-old woman dressed as a vampire. Gorgeous woman. She kept it simple, and simply added those realistic-looking fangs in with her costume: A simple pair of black jeans and a leather top.
She was delicious.
Another one—a guy this time—pulled off the ghost costume really well. He carried around a portable fog machine, and must've worked on his makeup for hours to get that dead look.
I almost felt bad when I hit him with the hose.
Well, I sprayed him with the hose first. Then I tried to turn it off and accidentally turned it up, and the metal sprayer flew up and hit him in the face.
The last one was Beth. She dressed up as a witch last year, and she didn't wear the pointy hat or anything. Key word was 'or anything.' See, she made this video of her and Josh, and she said she was a 'natural witch'… and believe me, she was 'natural', all right. She accidently brought the tape over instead of the movie Enchanted, which she rented for the three of us to watch. Hell, I'll take home movies any day!
Unfortunately, these few good costumes are just a drop in the bucket compared to the torrents of shit pouring out of costume stores these days. Fairies. Alice in Wonderland. Slut!Dorothy. Scream masks. Frankenstein. Grim Reaper. Naruto. The list goes on! Then we have those 'homemade' costumes, like the cutout cardboard circle. Johnny on the spot! And the all-black outfit with pieces of trash and candy stuck to it. Movie theater floor! Fine, I'll admit they're original, but that last one usually looks like 'sticky kid who rolled in the dumpster'.
I sighed, rubbing my eyes. "When should I be there, Mick?" I asked in resignation.
"In an hour," he replied. "Normally Beth wouldn't have asked me to come, but she's still got bad memories of the last time she was alone with vamp-wannabes. She wouldn't be going at all if it weren't for the contact she had to meet."
"Alright," I said. "See you then."
I left a bit early, hoping to grab a drink on the way. Luckily, there was a hobo lying under the bridge, so drunk that he didn't even notice when I bit his arm. I didn't kill him, though. I know the Cleaner loves Halloween and I really didn't want to piss her off by making her work on her day off.
When I arrived at Mick's place, I was dumbfounded. I was horrified. I was… actually, I was struck with the uncontrollable urge to bitch-slap him. "HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS?!" I shouted. "Cut-out pumpkins?! Mick, you traitor!"
"Calm down, Josef; they aren't mine."
"You sound like a cheating human! 'They're not mine!'" I imitated in a squeaky voice. "The hell they aren't!"
"They're mine," said Beth irritably. "I put them here."
I blinked stupidly. "Uh," I said a bit more quietly. "This is awkward." I glanced at the decorations and shrugged. "Well, since they're yours, I guess I can do this then." I shoved a glass pumpkin off the table, and it shattered on the floor.
Mick raised an eyebrow. "That was very childish, Josef," he said. "And you're cleaning that up."
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Not once, not twice, but THREE times in rapid succession. "I'll get it!" trilled Beth, grabbing a candy bowl from beside the stairs. "Must be the trick-or-treaters."
"No, wait! Can I do it?" I asked eagerly, snatching the bowl from her. "I've never seen a trick-or-treater before!"
I could hear Mick's groans of protest as I opened the door, but I ignored him. In the doorway stood three kids and a teenager. "Alright, what're you guys supposed to be?" I asked.
The little girl in pink waved happily. "I'm a ballewina!" she said in her annoying pre-schooler voice.
"I'm Harry Potter!" said the slightly older boy. 1st grade, probably.
"Pika pika!" said the last little kid.
The teenager rolled his eyes. "He says he's Pikachu."
"Oh, you don't say?" I said sarcastically. "And what are… Sweet Jesus in a toaster oven, what the hell are you?" I exclaimed.
The kid's hair was really oddly cut, as though he usually wore it in a mohawk but had it combed back for one day only. He wore skin-tight black jeans that even Beth wouldn't wear, a black leather top and a pair of cheap 25-cent fangs. Contradicting this, however, was a big nose ring that reminded me of a cartoon bull, huge gage-holes in his ears, a tattoo on his forearm, eyebrow rings, a lip piercing, several more ear piercings along the shell of his ears, and thin scars going horizontally across his wrists.
"I'm a vampire, man," the teen drawled. "A creature of darkness, with my soul destroyed by conformists—"
"Yeah, good luck with that," I interrupted. "Now, let me see…" I picked up four pieces of candy. "A blow-pop for the retarded dancer, some smartees for the whiny Brit with a stick, a tootsie roll for the electric rat, and a dumdum for the… thing… that should not be in custody of any of those other three things." I winced. "Yeah. Sorry, your costumes suck."
"Dude, what's your problem?" droned the teen. "I don't see you wearing a better costume."
DING DING DING! Opportunity rings the doorbell!
I smiled slowly. "Oh, I'm wearing a costume alright," I said. "I'm just trying not to scare the children."
"You're scaring me already, man," snorted the teenager, laughing at his own joke. "Get it? I said your face was scaring me!"
Rolling my eyes, I turned to the kids. "Why don't you kids take this bowl of candy down the hall while I talk to this… thing, okay?" I suggested.
I had them hooked at 'candy'. No wonder so many little kids get abducted at that age!
"Josef…" warned Mick. "Remember our agreement? No scaring the trick-or-treaters."
"Killjoy," I snapped.
However, this kid didn't know a lifeline when it was being tossed to him. "Yeah," he chimed in. "Listen to your boyfriend!"
I glared back at Mick, whose eye was twitching in anger. "Never mind," he said. "Do your worst."
I don't know if you've ever been face-to-face with a pissed-off vampire. Maybe you have. But if you have, consider this: Was it Halloween? Was there a mutilated teenage emo pretending to be a vampire within a 10-foot radius of the real thing? Was Beth hissing threats in the background?
Probably not.
I wish I could explain why our eyes change when we move in for the kill, but honestly, I didn't care at the moment. It just added to the whole 'evil, killer vampire' effect.
And seriously, what a rush! It's almost better than lobbing cherry bombs off the roof of that one Vietnam veteran who lives a few blocks down. He starts having flashbacks and panics and OH MY GOD is it fun! But this…
The kid went white as blow and for a moment, I thought he was going to pass out. Then he got a hold of himself and started screaming and pissed himself. Then, of course, the little kids started screaming, so I grabbed a flashlight and made a humorously scary face before they could see me.
"Your big brother's a chicken," I said lightly. "You three aren't scared, are you?" They laughed. Of course they weren't. "Well, Happy Halloween!" I closed the door.
Beth was livid.
"I. Cannot. BELIEVE you did that!!" she shouted. "There were children out there!"
I shrugged. "You should try it sometime."
Mick rolled his eyes. "You never stop with the surprises, Josef," he laughed, pouring a glass of that disgusting preserved blood for me and grabbing a beer for Beth. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you're starting to like this holiday."
"Not as much as Bomb Day," I said matter-of-factly. "Nothing tops that."
"Bomb Day?" repeated Beth questioningly. "What's Bomb—OH! July 4th?"
"Dead on." I drained half the glass in one gulp. "Where to next? Oddly enough… I feel like… TPing."
Okay, if you could see Beth and Mick's faces right now, I think you would understand why I choked on the blood I was drinking, sending it all out my nose. I swear, you think milk is bad…
"Who are you, and what have you done with Josef Kostan?" laughed Beth.
Thanks for reading, guys! This chapter wasn't as good as my others, but I've got some real fun planned for Thanksgiving! See you next time!
