I'm kind of going through the week from Hell right now (and no it has nothing to do with "that time of the month"). Here's the breakdown:
Monday – boss lady hassling me for a report she was should have finished a week ago to give to the board on Tuesday. Boss stressing me out for foolishness major ticked offedness.
Tuesday – Board meeting cancelled because two board members didn't get the report on time (whose fault is that I wonder…). Boss' boss hassles my boss to make a couple of last minute changes. Boss hands it to me even though I'm behind two days worth of work because of her. My turn for switchboard duty, concierge gets stuck in traffic and I get stuck there for another forty-five minutes instead of the usual hour. Get off work. Car doesn't start, have to call my aniki to jump start me.
Today: Car doesn't start again. Have to get my sister-in-law to take me to work and pick me up. Aniki is fixing car. On the drive to work sister-in-law tells me that aniki is a lousy husband. Resist the urge to say "I told you so".
Despite all that I will forge ahead with the funny stuff, but if it's less than my usual standard then you can understand why.
The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu
By Kaori
Naruto was looking for Ebisu. He had just come up with a new perverted jutsu using the scroll. His thoughts were that if he could combine his Harem no Jutsu and the Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu, why couldn't he take it one step further and combine that new jutsu (he hadn't quite thought of a name for it yet) with the sealing technique from When Animals Attack no Jutsu for a super devastating attack?
After practicing it all night, he finally managed to get the first step down, but he needed to test it first, and what better target than the closet pervert? Unfortunately, Ebisu hadn't quite recovered from the blood loss caused by his last attack on the jounin so he needed another target. He spotted Kiba and Akamaru coming out of the grocers. He ran ahead of them to set up his ambush.
Tsunade watched Naruto curiously. She'd seen him prepare this jutsu beforehand but couldn't figure out exactly what he was trying to accomplish. He had made a couple of kage bunshins and sealed them into a notebook he'd bought. Oh well, she'd soon see what all of it was for.
"I sure hope this new dog food is as good as they claim. It's a shame Nanohana's shut down, their stuff made your coat really shiny." Kiba said to Akamaru who barked in reply. "It smells good? Well, you'll have to see what it tastes like."
"Ruff." The puppy agreed.
"Hey what's that in the street?" wondered the dog user. "Who would leave a notebook lying around like that?"
"Arf! Rrr arf!"
"It smells like Naruto? So this is his book?" Kiba smirked. "Well let's just see what he's got written in here." He opened it. Smoke poured from the pages. "Aah! What the hell is going on?" Kiba dropped the book on the ground but it was much to late. "WAAAGH!"
Tsunade fell out of her chair in shock at what she had just witnessed. This could revolutionize infiltration missions forever… Then a horrible thought entered her mind. If Jiraiya ever got his hands on this jutsu the world was doomed. She must get Naruto and get the details of that jutsu so she can put it in the scroll pronto.
Said young man was infinitely pleased with his results but he needed a better test. After all, it is very easy to…er…arouse an adolescent boy (1). He needed someone with more control, but not a complete rock either (that could wait until later). Nodding to himself, he steeled his resolved and went to look for his perpetually tardy sensei.
It wasn't hard to find him, he was outside of the bookstore drooling over the poster for the soon to be released Icha Icha Violence: Secrets of Bear Back (2) Inn. Naruto rolled his eye and took out his specially prepared notebook.
"Hey Kakashi-sensei! Guess what I've got!" he said.
"Hmm? Oh, Naruto it's you." Coughed Kakashi, hoping that his mask wasn't soaked in drool. "What do you need?"
"Hee hee! I stole this notebook from Ero-sennin. It's full of scenes that weren't put in the previous books. I'm going to go burn it before someone finds it and decides to publish it."
Predictably Kakashi panicked. "No! Don't do that! I mean…er…why don't you let me take the book? I'll keep it safe."
Naruto pretended to be suspicious.
"I don't know…you're almost as bad as him."
"Exactly why I should have it. I'm not as bad as him so I won't publish it." Reasoned Kakashi. To himself he was thinking of how he'd have a whole book full of never released Icha Icha scenes all to himself.
"Well…" Naruto feigned hesitance. Kakashi snatched the book from his hands and ran for it. "Heheheh…Sucker." He followed the jounin's trail hoping to see the results.
Kakashi ran for the Memorial Stone and hid behind it, giggling to himself. He looked up at the monument and gave a small smile. "You don't mind, right Obito? Hayate?" Unbeknownst to him, Naruto was watching from a nearby tree. Slowly, Kakashi opened the book, instantly smoke poured out from the pages. "What is this?" He jumped backwards but it was much too late and he, like Kiba, was thrown backward by the rapid expulsion of blood from his nostrils. "So…wonderful…" He passed out. Naruto collected his notebook and ran off to find his third and final victim. He knows this works well on men, but let's see how well it works on girls…
"I'm going now!" TenTen called back to her house before running towards the training ground. The last thing she needed was Gai ranting about how lateness is not in keeping with the spirit of youth and that they should not follow Kakashi's example no matter how hip and cool he is.
She was halfway there when she tripped over something. Looking back at her feet she didn't see anything but when she stood up there was a notebook in the path in front of her. Curious, she picked it up and looked at it.
It had no title and there was nothing written on the cover to show who it belonged to. "Maybe it's written on the inside." Thought TenTen she opened it. Smoke poured out from the pages and she dropped the book in surprise.
"Hello TenTen." a familiar voice purred in her ear.
"N…Neji?" she turned around to face him only to face the other way again in embarrassment. "Neji! Your naked!"
"I know…" "Neji" purred again. "Do I repulse you so much that you won't even look at me."
"You don't repulse me at all it's just…well…I…" she suddenly found herself facing another naked Neji. "Yeee!"
"Don't be afraid my pet." Oh God, this one purrs too! She couldn't take Purring Naked Neji in stereo. Blood rushed from her nose like a fountain and she was propelled into some nearby bushes.
Naruto jumped down from his tree and collected his book grinning evilly. "Perverted Popup Paperback no Jutsu is a success!"
"Naruto!" Kotetsu suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "I've been looking all over the village for you. The Hokage wants to see you." He noticed TenTen unconscious in the bushes. "Is she all right?"
"Oh she'll wake up in a minute or so." Naruto waved his hand negligently, then got a devious smile on his face. "Ne, Kotetsu-san, have you ever read this book before?"
Oh Naruto…you're going to be the demise of this village.
I got the idea for this from playing too much Metal Gear Solid and watching too many MGS parodies. In the game you can distract the guards with porno magazines. I find this tactic to be especially funny around corners because if you place the magazine right, you can shoot the guards in the ass from around a corner when they bend over to pick it up. For me, the only thing more distracting than a naked person is two naked people doing the only thing you can do naked that you can't do with clothes on. Well…you can do it with clothes on but you'll quickly find that it's much more fun without the clothes.
1) Every woman 17 years and older knows this and if they don't know it they learn this very quickly or suffer the consequences.
2) I resisted the temptation to call it Bare Back Inn.
