Author's Note: Despite the unusual name, this is not a "half" chapter. It actually encloses all the happens of "Invitations," but, as Jasper wasn't invited anywhere, it hardly seemed appropriate. Also enclosed is a short conversation between he and Edward that does not appear in Midnight Sun. Since it does not greatly disrupt canon--and Edward was so completely absorbed in his own problems at the time of the conversation--I did not think anyone would mind. (Besides, it seems likely that Jasper would be more inclined to mention it, anyway...) Still, I hope no one minds and, finally, thank you for the insanely kind reviews! They really mean the world to me.
CHAPTER 7: CHANGES
The next day we discovered that Edward had ran to Seattle.
He did not hunt. He just…ran. It seemed to be an integral part of the new pattern his life had taken. After Esme made it clear that it would destroy her to see him leave a second time, he reluctantly agreed to stay in Forks and pretend normalcy. And, admittedly, he did pretend things were normal for her sake. He returned to school, hunted with the rest of us, carefully listened for any rumors related to the "accident," patiently avoided Isabella Swan, and then proceeded to run away from the fabrication at the end of the day.
And it was undeniably a fabrication. Though he did his best to keep it from the others, he could not keep it from my peculiar "gift." Not a day past where he was not blanketed in a thick cloud of surliness and suffering. At first, it seemed a sure sign that Alice was right: he would not—he could not—resist his future for long. He simply did not have the endurance for it.
But by the second week, even she was starting to have her doubts.
As for my own feelings on the matter, I was given no reason to regret allowing Isabella—that is, Bella—to live. She carefully repeated the same story to anyone who asked—Edward had been standing beside her during the incident and pushed her out of the way or some similar nonsense—to the point that even I was bored with it. She was a poor liar, certainly, but at least she was a loyal one.
Not that we could afford to stop worrying.
Everyone—well, everyone but Edward, when it was avoidable—kept careful tabs on the girl's movements. We watched as the other boy involved in the accident stalked her in the halls, her lunch table grew progressively busier, and she shrunk away from talking about the "incident."
No one came up to Edward, much to the girl's credit. It was mercifully unnecessary. And Edward forced himself away from the girl with remarkable tenacity. Bella, however, did not appear as eager to forget him. She frequently glanced after us at lunch or in the parking lot, releasing a curious trail of melancholy, frustration and, more understandably, confusion. Alice always let us know when she was about to look, but Edward was determined to never glance in her direction at all.
Unfortunately, Edward's willpower was making things slightly more difficult for me. I was also determined to only hunt with the others and, without the luxury of worrying after my brother's actions, my high school experience was growing increasingly uncomfortable. The fire roared in my throat day after day, suffocating my reason and encouraging my baser instincts with renewed force.
Gym class was particularly horrifying. Forced into a room with limited airflow, smelling nothing but sweat and adrenaline, hearing heartbeats quicken and force blood through the body with greater force and vivacity, easily able to distinguish which human would provide the greatest struggle...it was pure hell. My only saving grace was that it was early in the day, when my resolve was at its strongest. If things continued this way, I would have to ask Carlisle to provide another doctor's note, excusing me for my "heart condition"… The shame of it was far too much to bear.
Alice saw my struggle and supplied me with an endless list of distractions, though they failed to do much good. There was not a single human in the school I had not considered stalking, sometimes just as a means to break the tedium. I was a monster, through and through. Monsters were not meant to run around in the daylight, playing with humans.
But I could not give in. I absolutely refused to. Not when Edward continued to lie to himself.
As a rule, we did not discuss it. Only once, about three weeks after Edward had resolved to protect the Swan girl's future, did our twin thirst ever become the topic of conversation.
Edward had been preparing to go for his usual run when Alice stopped him with a shake of her head.
"Leaving again?"
"Stay out of this, Alice. I don't want to hear it." His tone was not harsh, exactly. It was simply…dead.
Alice ignored his warning. "You can pretend all you like, Edward, but you still want her. Now more than ever."
He turned to her with a violent snarl, and I immediately stepped between them.
"Jazz—" Alice began, exasperated.
"Avoid letting your mood get the best of you, Edward," I growled, refusing to acknowledge her complaints. I don't care how you treat the others, but you will not take out your frustration on Alice. Not ever.
He released an aggravated hiss and turned away, disappearing into the woods and out of sight. The emotional trail that followed him was not one of anger, but shame and frustration. I immediately relaxed.
"Have we really gotten to the point where you're protecting me from family now, Jazz?" Alice demanded, pouting her lips with clear disapproval.
"You really shouldn't goad him like that. Rosalie does it enough."
"Rosalie harasses him for the wrong reasons. Edward knows the difference."
"I doubt he appreciates either," I murmured, looking back after him.
Alice's eyebrows threatened to disappear into her hairline, but she did not reply.
Her surprise was understandable. I did not often take sides in petty arguments when it was avoidable, and to rule against Alice's wishes was a total anomaly. But beneath all my irrational pleasure at Edward's newly discovered imperfection,I understood his struggle. I knew what it felt like to deny one's instincts when every fiber your being was screaming to indulge…to want nothing more than to escape the half-condescending, half-sympathetic looks of the "stronger" members of the family. I understood the self-loathing that came along with the discovery that, after years of being a "superior" breed of vampire—a special monster, if you will—, you were just as restricted as any other member of your species.
Yes, above all, I understood what it felt like to be weak.
So, for once, it was I who waited for him to return home. I was not sure exactly what I planned to say to him—even if he would bother to listen to me at all. I only knew that it was something that needed to be done.
I waited for Edward just beyond the house's hearing, content to make myself comfortable against a rotting oak tree while I waited. The strong scent of molding wood was comforting. I had grown to enjoy any smell that was not immediately tied to my thirst. Grateful for the diversion, I pulled a particularly pungent piece of bark from the trunk and slid it in my pocket. It would be nice, especially after a few days of abstinence, to have something other than pumping blood to focus on in class.
It was then that I heard Edward approach, though he did not slow until I was well in sight. He looked incredibly weary.
"Jasper," he said quietly, as though the name exhausted him.
I shrugged away from the tree and took a step forward. You can relax. I just want to talk.
"I am," Edward answered, still standing a good distance away. "I imagine this is about earlier this evening?"
"Not quite. I was curious about the girl, actually," I said aloud. I could not entirely trust my thoughts for the moment. He was right, in some respects: his treatment of Alice still riled me.
"You are curious about Bella?" His disbelief was colored with aggravation when he heard my amusement at the familiar way he spoke her name, and the next question came out significantly rougher, "What does she have to do with anything? I don't believe I've heard any particularly homicidal thoughts coming from you lately."
I ignored the jab and allowed my thoughts to wander over the day's events, particularly my own unrelenting thirst. For once, I focused on my suffering in his presence—made him see it, rather than work to hide it as I usually did. My mind moved back to the violent reactions I had felt from him after encountering Bella's scent. The utter intensity of it still staggered me. I need to know how you do it. How you control yourself in the face of your desire for her. Especially a desire of that ferocity...
"It's not easy," he admitted, staring at the ground rather than look at me. "It's much, much worse than the need you felt from a distance."
Because of the thirst?
"Of course, that is part of it. The thirst is absolutely agonizing. I can't breathe around her. I can barely bring myself to think." Edward ran a hand through his hair, his every movement betraying his stress. "But it's not just the hunger. It's that I can't hear her. The barest fidgeting, the tiniest facial movement, the smallest anything brings me back to how much I don't know! And Mike Newton—!" he stopped suddenly, chagrin coating his bitter smile.
Mike Newton…? Another human? For the life of me, I could not understand the significance of his sudden frustration.
"It's nothing," he said quickly, his embarrassment mounting. "It's just how blind some humans are. But then there's Bella, who sees too much…"
You like it, though. Your nerves relax somewhat whenever Alice mentions that she's looking our way…
"It's just curiosity."
"I wonder," I murmured aloud, musing over Alice's recent revelation.
"I don't love her, Jasper," Edward insisted. "I won't!"
Whatever you say. But, you know, I envy you... At least you're only torturing yourself.
Edward released a frustrated snarl. "You think I make myself want her the way I do?" he demanded in disbelief.
No. But you could give in, if you wished. One way or the other.
"Never!" he hissed, furious at me for even making the suggestion.
I shrugged. Insist on what you will. I just hope you're happy when it's all over, Edward. That's all.
"For Alice's sake?" he scoffed.
I smiled and turned to disappear into the house. Fool. I meant it for your sake.
"Thank you…Jasper," Edward said quietly.
My smile broadened slightly. Well, we are a family, of sorts. What are brothers for?
"But don't think that means I plan on giving in," he called after me.
Do whatever you wish. I'm not stupid enough to take your word over Alice.
Leaving Edward to the yard and his thoughts, I ran back to the house and prepared to spend the rest of the night buried in my study. Alice was waiting for me, sitting in my usual chair with a pleased smile on her face. It was clear from the way she watched me pull out tomorrow's homework and get to work—from the way she lightly put her tiny hand atop my shoulder—that she had "seen" my recent exchange in some form or another. But neither of us made any attempt to fill the night's silence. We simply enjoyed each other's presence, immersed in a state of peace even I could not hope to manufacture.
I had never felt so confident that I had picked the right side.
---
Truth be told, Edward's mood was no better in the morning, but he did do his best to be more civil to the others. Not that it bothered me. I had grown so accustomed to his negative energy that an unexpected bout of happiness might have actually unsettled me. Besides, it was always worse in the morning—in preparation for facing Bella—than after his run.
We both seemed to be waiting for the moment when our instinctual desires would at last fade into the background…
A week passed, and it was no better. Edward was still surly, and I was still killing my classmates in my head. I did not deserve to align my weakness with Edward's. At least his struggle was noble. I spent hours trying to understand why I couldn't simply be "homeschooled" and sidestep the temptation altogether...
But no. I would be strong.
"Bella's going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal," Alice warned, interrupting my reverie.
I looked to the ceiling and fidgeted slightly like the others. It was amazing how little it took to relax humans. Shift your weight, tap your foot, let out the occasional sigh, and they rarely took notice of the fact that your eyes changed colors and you never ate. At least their instincts helped them keep away from us, if their reason knew no better. Our human illusion relied on not being watched too closely.
Something Bella was making somewhat difficult.
Alice gave a small sigh, her expression wistful.
"Stay out of it, Alice," Edward murmured. "It's not going to happen."
She pursed her lips but did not reply. Though Alice had agreed to keep her distance as long as Edward did, her visions clearly made her impatient. A night rarely passed without a soft complaint about what she could be doing with Bella…and how quickly that future was becoming twisted into a snarl of other possibilities.
"It makes plenty of sense to me," Edward responded to the stray thought, ignoring her obvious displeasure.
Alice gave a small snort, but continued "lunch" as usual.
To be honest, I was not particularly pleased with his attitude, but that was Edward now… I would just have to endure. At least until he crossed the line.
We left lunch in silence, I feeling particularly grim about the approaching period. Alice had warned me in advance that Mr. Fowler intended to divide us to pairs. Rosalie and Emmett would be paired together, of course, but I…
I stared at the roster taped to the front of the chalkboard and fought the urge to simply give up and leave the classroom altogether. I was partnered with Cassie Sanford. So that was the name of the girl foolish enough to write a love letter to a vampire…
I looked to the girl's desk and found that she was purposefully avoiding my eye. Well, perhaps that is not a fair assumption. I suppose it is possible that she was really engaged in staring at her notes, but her eyes did not follow the text and there was an unbearable cloud of bitterness surrounding her. I forced back a groan. Was I really expected to endure this for a week…? We would hunt on Saturday, but, on Tuesday, that seemed an immense time to be expected to merely endure.
I stepped forward, cautiously putting my hand on her desk to get her attention. She looked up with a vicious blush, exposing her throat as she indignantly thrust out her chin. My mouth threatened to overflow with venom. It was too much. I was not strong enough. It would be a week of pure Hell, and I would play the role of Death incarnate.
"You're my partner?" she asked, her cheeks still burning.
Obviously. But I held my tongue and nodded. It was better to keep my mouth shut, at least until I could control myself. Emmett and Rosalie froze at their station nearby, watching me carefully. I clenched my fists and met her eyes, adamant that I would not give in to my desire.
Carefully pulling my seat as close to her desk as I dared, I ran through the easiest possible way to handle the situation. I could not kill her, obviously, and simply leaving the room was not an option. She clearly hated me now—it never ceased to amaze me how quickly "love" could wilt into loathing—and I was more than willing to make the joint project a separate endeavor.
I was still distracted when Mr. Fowler approached our group and handed out our assignment. Something about incorporating basic elements of physics into a lesson plan for elementary school students… It was difficult to consider the project important with Cassie's every stiff motion forcing her scent back down my throat. I could refuse to breathe, certainly, but with the scent so close to my nose…
I fingered the bit of tree bark in my pocket, searching for its pungent aroma in the midst of the lovely, salty smell exuding from Cassie's fair skin… It helped, but not by much. I waited for Fowler to leave us before looking away and taking a quick gulp of air disguised as a sigh.
Apparently, Cassie took it as an insult.
"Sorry I'm such a disappointment," she snapped. "It's not like I'm thrilled about this, either."
I did not bother to give her an answer. Let the little fool think I hated her. Never mind that I was exerting every bit of effort left in my body to avoid clamping my teeth to her jugular and feasting on the bright blood making its way to her cheeks…
When it was clear that I was not going to grace her childish sensitivities with any sort of acknowledgment, she huffed and shoved the assignment sheet to my side of the desk. "Well, your GPA might be able to take it, Jasper, but I'm not failing this over you. Let's just get this over with as fast as possible."
I scanned the paper for only a moment. "Very well. I'll write the paper if you come up with the project."
"It doesn't work like that. The paper has to discuss the elements used in the assignment. They can't be separated." I could not be sure if she took delight in being difficult or not, but her emotions, at least, were more aggravated than vindictive.
"Then we'll make the project an egg drop and write the paper about kinetic energy, or the acceleration of gravity, or momentum, or whatever you would like." It took an immense amount of effort to keep my words slow enough to be understandable. Speaking to her cost me dearly. I kept losing the scent of the bark in the luscious heat and aroma of her soft flesh. I was going to be the death of her.
"An egg drop?" she asked.
I resisted the urge to look away from her a second time. Did it really need an explanation? "We ask the class to have a competition where they each create some sort of protection for an egg that would slow down the momentum of its fall and cushion the impact. Then, we drop them and see which method of protection is most effective, and why. It's short, sweet and to the point." Not to mention easy to execute a good distance away from each other.
It was clear from the look on Cassie's face that she hated to accept the plan. Well, hated to accept it from me, at any rate. But slowly, reluctantly, she agreed. "Fine, I guess. So I'll write the lesson plan now and you can work on the paper. When do you want to meet to do the model?"
I almost panicked at the thought. "I'm afraid that's not possible. My family is going camping this weekend. I won't be in the area."
"Then we can do it during the week. I'm free tonight and tomorrow."
"I don't think that's necessary." Not to mention safe, intelligent, or a good idea by even the loosest use of the word. "I can make it by myself and bring it in for you tomorrow."
Cassie stared at the table, an unexpected flood of hurt flowing through her psyche. "I…don't understand you, Jasper," she said softly, clearly on the verge of tears. "What did I do...? Was it because of the letter? Am I just…immature? Why do you hate being around me so much?"
For a moment, I could only stare at her. I was at a total loss in the face of her obvious insecurities. Even the fact that she took my rejection personally was endlessly perplexing. Did she really not see that I treated all humans with disinterest? I opened my mouth to apologize for the mistake—to perhaps even manage a kind word through the burn her scent inflicted on my throat—when I was shocked by another sudden rush of emotions.
For the first time in weeks, it was Edward that had overtaken my emotions. Not to say that Edward hadn't been afflicted with bouts of profound desire since the family meeting, but I learned to ignore them as time went on. This, however, was new. It was a sudden, bitter, raging, despairing, and, yes, yearning strain of emotion I had never felt from him before. It was jealousy. I almost laughed. Though it was hardly a positive emotion, his surliness had all but evaporated in his struggle to force it under his control. I could not even begin to fathom what might have made Edward jealous.
Unfortunately, Cassie saw a shocked smile flit across my face before I could bring myself back to the matter at hand. A new spring of loathing destroyed my hold on Edward's emotions and threatened to incapacitate me altogether.
"Cassie," I began, trying my best to ignore the beast raging within me long enough to attempt something like compassion. "I don't…"
"Forget it," she whispered, her voice cracking despite herself. "Just…just bring it in whenever. I don't care." She quickly gathered her things and fled from the room, unable to hold back her tears.
"Wow, Jazz," Emmett murmured, "you sure have a talent when it comes to making friends."
"Please, Emmett, not right now." The last thing I needed was another excuse not to be here.
Cassie did not return to class and, despite my reluctance to hurt her, I could not help but think it was for the best. After all, what could I say to her? "It's not that I hate you, I simply can't stand the smell of your blood. Not without wanting to kill you and every other human in the room, at any rate." I highly doubt that would provide much in the way of comfort.
I was still thinking about how best to handle the girl when the bell rang and Alice gave me a sudden embrace in the hallway, much to the surprise of myself and my fellow classmates.
"The future's back on!" she sang in my ear, humming to herself in a giddy burst of joy.
I laughed, at last able to forget Cassie and find Edward's anger still buzzing mildly in the background. It was happy anger, in a way. The depression that had plagued him for nearly a month had given way to frustration. And…amusement.
I listened as she worked out her plans with Bella on the way to class, her enthusiasm adding an extra level of grace to each delicate step. For once, it seemed we would have reason to look forward to seeing Edward at the end of the day.
--
When Alice and I met after class to walk back to the parking lot, we found that the Volvo had gone missing. Instead, Emmett stood waiting to greet us, a bemused smile stretching across his face.
"Where's Edward?" Rosalie asked as she joined us, surveying the empty spot with raised brows.
"Guess," Emmett said, thumbing toward the opposite end of the lot. "Looks like we're missing out on some fun."
We watched as the Volvo pulled into the lane and parked directly in front of the exit, clearly intending to cut off Miss Swan's dilapidated truck.
"He's completely lost his mind," Emmett said with a pleased grin, shaking his head at our brother. "But at least he's done being moody."
"I knew he couldn't behave himself for long." Alice was exuding happiness from her every pore.
Not exactly sure what Edward was up to, we shuffled into the car slowly, studying our driver with undisguised surprise.
He seemed completely transformed. When we entered the car he was physically rocking with laughter, shaking his head and roaring all the more as Bella angrily revved her engine from behind us. Clearly she was not quite as amused with Edward's little game as he was.
"Let's go!" Rosalie snapped at last, barely appreciating the joke better than Bella. "Stop being an idiot. If you can."
Edward complied in silence, his face still split into a huge grin. Every so often his amusement would overflow, and he would start laughing all over again.
Alice was all smiles.
"So do I get to talk to Bella now?" she asked as we rolled into the driveway.
All signs of humor disappeared in a rush of adamancy. "No."
"Not fair!" she exclaimed, pouting more for effect than genuine annoyance. "What am I waiting for?"
"I haven't decided anything, Alice."
"Whatever, Edward."
My brother was quiet for a moment, grief filling the hole his sudden bout of joy left behind. "What's the point in getting to know her if I'm just going to kill her…?"
Even Alice's self-assured excitement fell apart. "You have a point," she admitted softly. Apparently, the future was not as cut-and-dry as it appeared.
Edward forced his foot on the gas and barreled the rest of the way to the garage, barely stopping in time to avoid wrecking the Volvo against the rough brick wall.
"Enjoy your run," Rosalie called as he tore out of the car.
Even Emmett rolled his eyes.
"I think it's time to let it go, Rose."
My "twin" said nothing but, with an angry glare at Emmett's expense, she disappeared into her room without another word.
And Edward…Edward did not return for the remainder of the evening.
I won't pretend that it didn't affect the rest of us when Edward disappeared, but it was always Esme that took it the worst. And Esme's pain was always especially hard for me to endure.
I suppose now would be the best time to explain exactly how my "gift"—if it can be said to deserve such a title—functions. First and foremost, all vampires, humans, and most intelligent lifeforms are surrounded by an invisible "cloud" generated by their psyche. It is not something of the mind, but of the body. Everything they touch, everyone they meet, every move they make leaves a faint trail of whatever emotions they happen to be feeling. Depending on how close I am—either through physical location or personal affinity—this cloud becomes easier to find and read. If I wish, I can then exert my own psyche to quell theirs and force them into happiness, sadness, anger, whatever best serves the moment.
Then, occasionally, there are certain individuals who go beyond the norm, whose emotions are already so pure and straightforward that I can see them almost as well as I feel them. They are the ones who are most likely to dominate my own mood before I could even attempt to dominate theirs. In my long life, I have only ever met two "clouds" of that emotional purity. Alice is one—though most likely because I recognize Alice as a part of myself—and Esme is the other.
Thus, when I say that Esme's pain is intense, it is necessarily an understatement. The pain she forces onto me is beyond all human—and most vampire—imaginings. It is precisely the feeling of a mother losing her child—more than likely it is the feeling. I could see it strangle her and it likewise threatened to suffocate me. And yet, I did not try to soothe her. It seemed…wrong. Like I was not worthy of staining her emotions with a false, dimmer replacement. Out of all of the Cullens—Alice naturally excluded—Esme was the one to whom I felt the greatest allegiance.
So, after writing my physics report and fabricating a simple encasement to use for the egg drop demonstration, I gave a short explanation to Alice and spent a good portion of the evening watching Esme restore an eighteenth-century wardrobe. We did not really talk—though Esme often narrated her actions or asked for this or that so I might feel included—but merely enjoyed the other one's company. I was certainly no replacement for Edward, but Esme was good enough to be cheered up for my sake. And slowly, but by no means completely, her grief relaxed into something more endurable, and I could more easily disentangle her passions form my own.
Satisfied, I waited until Esme took a break from sanding the wardrobe's fine rosewood surface to seek Carlisle's comfort, and then drifted off to find my own distraction. Still, I doubt there was a soul in the house who was not listening for the sound of the missing Cullen at last coming home.
But morning came and went, and still Edward had not returned.
We toyed with waiting for him until Alice at last assured us we could go on ahead. Despite Emmett's best efforts to wheedle out more information about Edward's specific whereabouts, however, she would do know more than promise he would make it to school on time. Truth be told, I was growing tired of the constant secrets, but I held my tongue and did my best to respect her privacy.
It was not until we were about to enter the building that I finally felt him.
He was…different, to say the least. He felt different. Happier, hopeful, and slightly reckless… I chanced a glance just as he casually moved from the woods to the rest of the crowd. His eyes were especially bright, even from a distance. Apparently he had done more than gone for a "quick" run last night. I could not help but envy him.
Though it seemed that his happiness would throw him back off the usual schedule, which could only mean Miss Swan was involved. Of course.
I glanced at Alice, curious to know the specific cause of his dramatic change in mood, but she merely smiled and shook her head. "Lunch today will be…interesting."
I had no doubt.
