Give Me All of You
Here's chapter 7 for you.
NCIS Los Angles does not belong to me, darn it!
Anything in bold face type italics and quotes is an actual line from one of the episodes from the show. There are too many to list but they are from most of the seasons of the show.
If you enjoyed this chapter, or even if you're didn't, leave a review on the way out and let me know why. My minions are hiding in the closet plotting something. They've been muttering about reviews lately.
Enjoy.
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CHAPTER 7: Imperfections
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
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I've been partnered with Kensi for over five years now. We've had our ups and downs. We're both lousy at communication so there have been times when both of us have pulled back from what we have; but I think we're getting better; at least I hope so. I know I would die for her in a heartbeat. But I can't because she made me promise to not die on her and I'll do everything in my power to keep that promise.
We've had some rough patches before and after Siderov, but we're getting closer every day. I had some trouble right after the torture like I mentioned before when I wanted to hide from everyone and everything, but I got past that. Kensi helped me more than she'll ever know getting past what Siderov did to me, but I'm better now. The only thing is…well, Kensi keeps watching me like she's waiting for me to fall apart; as if there is no way I can be okay after what happened. What happened with Siderov was bad, very bad; but actually, I've had as bad or worse happen to me; not only in my work life, but in my personal life. Living with a monster, I've learned from Nate, either destroys you or makes you stronger. He told me, and I believe him, that I'm a strong person. I would have to be don't you think to still be breathing and walking this crazy world.
I know Kensi worries about me, especially after Siderov, but I'm fine. I don't have PTSD for crying out loud, really! And I'm not engaging in "risky behavior" no matter what anyone says or thinks. And then there's my motorcycle. Kensi started spouting statistics about returning vets, PTSD and reckless behavior. I'm not a vet with PTSD! And I'm not being reckless! I've ridden bikes for years. I know how to handle them safely and I've never had an accident or been hurt on a bike, outside of work that is. I've never had the money to get the bike I wanted until now.
I know for a fact that Kensi rides her bike on her off hours so why does everyone think it is so terrible if I do it? Hetty doesn't seem to have any problem sending us into dangerous situations or out on suicide missions; she's even sent us out on bikes for crying out loud, but now she has a problem believing I'm capable of taking care of myself on a bike? I've been riding them my whole life and contrary to popular belief, I'm a good rider. Like I said, I've never hurt myself on a bike since I learned to ride one. I'm not a child and I don't want or need to be treated like one. Why can't Hetty see that?
I can finally afford this sweet ride and I don't get to keep it? Oh no, noooo because obviously I, Martin Deeks am incapable of knowing what's good for me. I couldn't believe it when she insisted I give her the keys to my brand new bike like I was some dumb teenager who didn't know what he was doing and how dangerous it could be. Hetty had absolutely no right to take my bike away from me, no right at all…really. I only had it for the one day before the tiny terror took it. God, like I said before, that royally pissed me off. I'm a grown man for heavens sake and I should be able to decide for myself what I do outside of work. On the one hand, it made me feel good that Hetty worries about me but on the other hand, the double standard really pissed me off! If truth be told, I'm still angry about the whole situation.
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Kensi's not perfect by any means, she has more sharp edges to her personality than a porcupine has quills. But that's what makes her perfect for me; because I'm as fucked up as she is in many ways. She felt abandoned after her father died and she was estranged from her mother for years. My old man was a monster and my mother was a doormat. Even after all the abuse she suffered at his hands, I think she still loved him and blamed me for shooting him. She abandoned me because she told Sam she thought I would grow up to be a monster like my old man was. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to Kensi; she's definitely not a doormat. She reminds me of Angela and Miss Shirley. She's a force of nature like they are. She's tough like they both are too, even if she can't flirt like Angela can.
Kens is nothing like my mother. She's strong-willed, opinionated, and passionate so if any guy tried to abuse her, she'd have no problems kicking him in his nom-de-plumes, his junk, his lunchbox, his privates; his man parts; his balls; whatever you want to call the male genitalia. She would have no problem kicking them so hard, they would probably land in another county if they didn't get caught in the guy's throat. He would definitely be down for the count and singing soprano for a very long time! Come on! She practices shooting men in the groin for crying out loud, seriously! That's my girl; Bad-ass Blye is her name and maiming male assholes is her game. She's a crack shot; a world-class sniper; can track anything in any terrain, but She. Is. Not. Perfect.
She can do almost anything she puts her mind to. I love that about her, her competitiveness and her scary skills. She challenges me every day, but what gets to me the most is when I see her in a dress. I mean she's beautiful in whatever she's wearing but when she's in a dress, it just gets to me. Dresses show off her luscious curves and her femininity to perfection. I know what you're going to say and no, like I said before, Kensi is not perfect. But you know what; her imperfections are what make her so perfect.
When I look at Kensi I don't only see a 'hot chick'. I see the most beautiful woman I've ever known. She is so afraid of commitment though that it's maddening. It's a good thing I'm a patient man because it's been years, and she still pushes me away when I get too close. I am a patient man, but I do have my limits. Sometimes I just want to shake her silly to get her to pay attention to me so I can say all of the things I've wanted to say since the first time I saw her. Sometimes when I look in her gorgeous mismatched eyes, I see into infinity. But like both of us have said before, we have problems communicating.
I know she loves me, she just has to admit it to herself. I can't wait for the day she finally admits it to herself and tells me she loves me. It will be the best day of my life; all my dreams come true; the beginning of forever. I hope we get there.
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You know, it's really funny when you think about it; you live your life; going to work every day and doing your job. Meeting with friends on occasion, visiting family, if you have any; having fun and not thinking about what tomorrow may bring. As time passes, you see your friends move on with their lives and get married; maybe have kids and you think to yourself "someday that will be me". I believe that's what most people do anyway; but not me. Until I met Kensi, I never thought I would want or have a family or a commitment to another person like that. I always shied away from the thought of having kids, because I was afraid I'd turn out like my old man.
I always thought I would end up alone somehow; not that I wanted to end up that way, but it's as if I'm not good enough or lucky enough to have any better kind of life. I thought I knew what marriage was like at a very young age watching my parents. As much as my mother loved my father all she got out of it was pain and more pain. God it gives me the creeps just thinking about him as a father, he was the sperm donor, that's all, he was never a father. It seems like every time something good happens in my life, it gets taken away from me; hence the 'pain and more pain' lessons like my mother received. I've always felt like it's my fault I can't have the good things in life. Like my old man was right and I'm useless and a waste of space. Another legacy of my misspent youth with that monster, I guess.
From talking to Nate, I know it's from the abuse I suffered beginning when I was just a toddler and continuing until I finally stood my ground and shot the bastard that gave me life. But knowing it in my head and really feeling it in my heart are two very different things. Why is it so easy to believe the terrible things a monster yells at you while you're getting the snot beat out of you, but so very hard to believe it when someone you love or respects tells you you're a good person and a good man? Can someone answer that question for me?
There I was, going along living my life as best I could when I get 'shanghaied' into the liaison position by Hetty and I do mean shanghaied. She wanted me and she knew what to do to get me as her liaison. One of these days, when I'm not pissed at her, I'll have to thank her for getting me into NCIS because that is when I discovered everything I've ever dreamed about having was standing right in front of me. Talk about cliches right? Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of coming right out and telling Kensi how I feel. What if I tell her how I feel, get my happily ever after and then something happens to her? It would end me; it would completely and utterly destroy me if that ever happened.
Kensi is my alpha and omega; my beginning and my end. You know, I look back on my life; the things I've done to try to make the world a little better, all the good and bad that I've experienced; and believe me until I met Kensi, the bad outweighed the good by a long shot, and I realize something. Before I met her, I was just going through the motions of living. Oh I had fun, I had women when I wanted them. I have some friends that I get together with and I have a few people who've taken me into their family, but I didn't realize until I met her just how much of life I was missing out on or maybe just playing at.
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Another day at work; another day chasing down bad guys. Callen had sent Kensi and I to check out one of our suspects in a bomb selling operation involving Navy personnel while He and Sam checked out the other suspect. It was supposed to be routine. We find the guy and take him to the boatshed for interrogation. Well, routine it was not. As soon as the guy saw us, he turned to his friend which just happened to be the other suspect saying something and waving his hands around. Then they both ran; in opposite directions I might add. I went left into an alley while Kensi went straight ahead after the second suspect.
My guy is running down the alley trying to get away from me while pulling his gun out of his pants when he must have pulled the trigger as he was bringing the gun up because the next thing I know, he's on the ground rolling around moaning and groaning with his foot bleeding from the gunshot that was supposed to have been aimed at me. I might have been pissed if it wasn't so funny. I went up to him with my gun aimed at his face "Put the gun on the ground and push it over to me dickhead." I'm trying my damnedest not to bust up laughing at the schmuck when I hear Kensi call out.
"Deeks! Are you okay?" I knew Kensi was worried because she heard the gunshots and couldn't see down the alley I had run into when we split up to try and catch the two idiots running away from us.
"I'm okay, Kens. This idiot just tried to shoot me…only thing is, he must have been aiming for his own foot or he's the worst shot the world has ever known." I called out as I finally lost the battle to keep from laughing.
"You've got to be kidding me" she snorted as she entered the alley and saw that I was telling the truth. I was standing over the so-called bomb seller laying on the ground and moaning about his foot with my gun aimed at his face and a huge grin on my face. "Would you get over here and cuff him. I don't want to take any chances and besides, I'm laughing too much. This moron is so stupid he might do anything. And I don't feel like chasing him if he decides to run for it again."
"You feeling a little tired there 'delicate' or are you afraid he might get the drop on you again?" Kensi just stood there taking in the sight. She could tell I was surprised at her retort…and maybe a little miffed at being called delicate, but hey, that's our thing…it's our banter for better or worse; and she was having fun teasing me. "I told you to be careful, now didn't I partner."
I looked up at her and smirked "I was careful. Whose the one whose on the ground with a bullet in his foot and who's standing over him, huh? Where's your suspect Fern? He get away from you?"
"Don't call me Fern, Scruffy." she giggled. She actually giggled. That's something I don't hear too often from Kens, especially when we're on a case. Of course Sam and Callen were no where around. Kensi would never be caught giggling in front of them.
"No he didn't get away. I have him cuffed to the steering wheel of my car. I know how to take down a suspect, not like a scruffy surfer I know."
"Kiki, are you going to stand there all day busting my chops or are you going to help me here?" I just stood there continuing to smirk at her until she moved to help me cuff the moron on the ground. We then hauled him to his feet to take him and his partner to the boatshed for interrogation. After our encounter with them, we knew they were not the criminal masterminds behind the bomb selling ring. It looked to be a long day or even more.
We called Sam and Callen over coms and told them we had both men in our custody and would meet them at the boatshed. When all was said and done, the master mind was found, the bombs were accounted for and no one got hurt…well, other than the moron who shot himself. Another case closed out successfully.
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