A/N: Finally, I know.

My workload's finally died down a bit, I'm happy to say. I don't know how long it'll last, but I took advantage of it today and produced this for all of you. I'm sorry you had to wait so long, but since I had dental surgery on Friday, I had an excuse to be holed up in my room all day long.

Review lovelies!

-h

Disclaimer: I doth not own. Thou suest me not. Eth.

For the Evil Dentist from Hell
Who insisted the thing on my gum was not normal
That it was, in fact, abnormal
And subsequently required the process of removal.
You should know that you didn't fool me
I know you were just in it for the pleasure of watching me squirm.
Remember sir, I do know where you live.
Kinda.

I Come in Peace, Bearing Shit

There was that stupid cucumber again. Waving in front of my face. It was talking to me this time as well, something about okra and an affair. I could only imagine the complexities of the residents of the produce section's love life, and my highly concussed brain could not process the information that perhaps it wasn't actually the cucumber that was speaking to me. I closed my eyes and swiped at the cucumber feebly, moaning.

"Look mister, I have a headache," I muttered, opening my eyes again to see that more of the cucumber's comrades had come seeking my advice, hovering in front of my face, "I can't be bothered with your torrid affairs at the moment unless they have something to do with a bottle of Miss Whirlybang's Headache Solution. Then maybe I'll talk. So go away, the lot of you." I swiped at one of the cucumbers again, my hand traveling through thin air where the food was supposed to be hovering and instead smacking against something hard and hairy.

What an odd feeling cucumber, I thought.

The hairy cucumber jerked and let out a small exclamation, and I let my hand fall back to my side, closing my eyes against the throbbing pain in my head. I moaned again.

The cucumber above me spoke, "Ginny? Ginny? Are you Okra? Affair Lee big percussion, I think. Can you hair me?"

I scrunched my eyes in confusion and irritation, bringing a hand up to press against my forehead. Who was this Okra person anyhow? What an unfortunate name. Though I supposed the cucumber could be having an affair with the okra; that would be scandalous. The okra was from the wrong side of the aisle, if you know what I mean. I doubted Mr. Cucmber's family would be happy about that one. And if I was interpreting his statement correctly, he seemed to be trying to woo her with a serenade involving the percussion instruments. Plus he had some sort of disease which made him grow hair, which I suppose was not very attractive on a cucumber.Poor guy, I supposed he did have a bit of a predicament.

Don't look at me like that. I was deranged at the time. It's what my brain came up with.

But I still didn't want to help him. I really did have a roaring headache.

"No, I'm not okra. And you're not making any sense," I told the annoying cucumber, "Now leave me alone. Go talk to your tomatoes-in-law about it."

"Tomat- Ginny, you aren't making any sense. Are you okay?" I felt someone pat lightly on the side of my face, "Ginny? Wake up, Gin. I think you have a fairly big concussion. Can you hear me?"

I blinked my eyes a few times then, squinting them to discern the blurry shape that had taken place of the cucumbers hovering above me.

"Harry?" I asked, leaning my head forward a bit from where, I realized, it was lying on the pavement outside the Muggle grocery. I shielded my eyes from the glare of a street light and peered up at Harry, glancing around him for the cucumbers. They seemed to have disappeared aside from the one gripped in Harry's hand. I looked at Harry confusedly. He was rubbing the side of his head and looking at me amusedly through crooked glasses.

"I'll take from the slap to the head that you're awake, then," he said, straightening his glasses and glancing at me fleetingly before turning away, his lips twitching slightly.

"Ya," I muttered, sitting up slowly and looking around, "Where'd the cucumbers go?"

Harry frowned at me and held up the green fruit (or is it a vegetable? Neither? Oh, I don't know, I was never one for Herbology.) in his hand, "This one?" he asked.

I shook my head slightly and then winced, holding it in place after my brain had sloshed around a bit, "No, the ones that wanted to have the affair with the okra."

Now that I was conscious, I realized that sounded more than a little insane.

Harry's eyebrows rose at this and he reached out to feel my forehead concernedly, "I think you have a concussion, Gin. You're a little confused."

I started to argue with him when I saw movement from the corner of my eye. I turned to see the Wheatie Stealer hobble slowly over to her car with a bag boy following closely behind her with her purchases. She opened the trunk for him, gave him a nickel, and then got in the car. She turned on the engine and then glared at me, raising her middle finger with a vengeance as she squealed off, skidding her tires on the pavement.

The bag boy watched in amazement for a bit before glancing at his nickel, wrinkling his nose, and shoving it in his pocket irritably.

I should have guessed she'd be a cheap tipper.

I gaped at the tail lights of her car, watching as they zoomed down the road and disappeared around a corner, leaving a snowy street bathed in artificial light behind them.

"Did the Wheatie Stealer just flick me off?" I asked Harry, still staring at the spot where her car had disappeared.

Harry held back a laugh and looked at me oddly, "Wheatie Stealer?" he asked.

I didn't take my eyes off the corner, "Ya. She stole the last box of Wheaties last time I was here. Smacked me with her purse that time too, the cheater."

Harry made somewhat of a strangled noise and then cleared his throat, "Ah, yes. Well, I was, er, wondering how you two…um…knew each other."

He coughed and covered his mouth with his hand. His shoulders shook slightly as he coughed again, not removing his gloved hand from his mouth. I turned from my staring at the corner and narrowed my eyes at him, poking him in the chest, "You had better not be laughing at me," I threatened, touching my fingertips gently to a large knot forming on the side of my head and wincing.

Harry's demeanor changed instantaneously as he turned to me concernedly and gently pulled my hand away, leaning in closer to examine my head. "Are you okay?" he asked, letting go of my hand and squinting at the knot.

I am now that you're about two inches from my face, I thought.

What? No. I didn't mean that. It's the concussion talking.

Sure. Which is why you're thinking about that dream you had the other night with the bathtub and the-

Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! That was a dream. I was…stressed.

Mmhmm. Must be stressed now, as well, considering what's going through your head.

I'm not listening to you. I'm ignoring you. We're fighting. Go away.

I abandoned the voice in my head and managed to get control enough over my mouth to scoff at him, "Oh yes," I said sarcastically, "I'm just dandy. I only got walloped in the head by a brick, is all. Really, it's not that big a deal. I imagine I only have a slight concussion. Maybe. Perhaps." I glared at him moodily and went back to prodding the knot on my head and wallowing in self-pity. Who cared if he was acting all knight-in-shining-armorlike, I didn't care. Not me. I didn't see him like that anyways.

Yes, that's the spirit. Stay in denial. It's such a healthy way to handle things.

Shut up. He's just really…really…attractive. Is all. Nothing more.

Right, and Cornelius Fudge is Jesus' long lost cousin looking to save the world by partaking in numerous selfless acts and miracle workings.

Harry's lips twitched again before he pulled back a bit to look at me, holding out a pack of ice he had apparently conjured while examining my injury, "Well, I hope your ego's not too bruised. She may have been small but that little old lady had an arm on her, didn't she?"

He was grinning teasingly at me and I was suddenly gripped with a very strong urge to shove the cucumber in his hand up his knightly arse. I snatched the ice pack from his hand, smacking him upside the head as I did so, and then fixed a glare on him worthy of Salazaar Slytherin himself.

"You will never mention this to anyone," I hissed at him, gently pressing the ice pack to my head and adding, "Ever." Threateningly. Just to clarify.

He grinned at me mischievously and unfolded himself from his crouched position beside me, standing up to lean back on his heels and look down at me. I glared up at him menacingly as I could considering the circumstances; I doubted a woman holding an ice-pack to her head while glaring at you was very frightening, but I gave it a shot anyways.

"Oh, I won't?" he asked, pushing his hands into his pockets and raising his eyebrows at me.

I cursed his messy hair at that moment, as it was catching all the snowflakes around it and distracting me from my task at hand. Which was being mad at him for laughing at me while I was being brutally attacked by a mad Wheatie Stealer. And threatening him with acts of unadulterated evilness and cruelty.

"No," I said, glaring harder, "You won't."

Harry seemed to contemplate this, looking up at the black sky above him and squinting one eye in thought. "Well now," he said, looking back down at me, "How do you figure that?"

I stood up slowly, careful to keep my head as motionless as possible and then stepped towards Harry threateningly, "Because if you don't keep quiet about it," I growled, "I'll be forced to Bat-Bogey you so forcefully that by the time you can see straight again, you're fame will be nothing more than an old wive's tale that no one really believes."

Harry seemed impressed at my little spiel, quirking his mouth into a grin before he leaned a little closer to me, "I'd be scared if it weren't for two things," he said, whispering. I ignored the shiver that went down my spine at his close proximity and lowered voice with difficulty, "One: I'm an Auror, you'll remember, and I'm rather good at blocking spells if I do say so myself, and Two: You're holding an ice pack to your head and I," here he pulled a wand out of his cloak with a fourish, "have your wand."

I gaped at him in fury for a few seconds before snatching at my wand. He jerked it out of reach and grinned, "Ah ah ah, Ginny dear. Not until you promise not to hex me." I glared at him some more and snatched for my wand again.

"Give that back," I told him, irritably fisting a hand on my hip, "Right now."

He only chuckled and held the wand further out of my reach. "You have to agree to the terms of the arrangement."

"I don't like the terms of the arrangement."

He pouted at me mockingly, "Well that's just too bad, now isn't it?" He twirled my wand between his fingers absently.

I growled at him and then lunged, intent on tackling him to the ground. I'd had lots of practice with my brothers, I was fairly sure I could take him if I used the element of surprise. His Auror training, however, had paid off, and he merely side-stepped me and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me to him so that my back was flush against his chest.

My breath hitched and my eyes widened. My ice pack dropped to the ground beside us.

Ha! said the voice in my head, I told you so!

Sweet Merlin, this was bad.

I could feel him breathing behind me, his chest rising and falling in rhythm with the puffs of air I felt on the top of my head. His arm was tight around my torso and his gloved fingers were splayed against my side, holding me to him firmly. He was warm, and I thought I heard his breath hitch just slightly as I turned my head to look at him. All the little voices in my head that had been dormant for three long years suddenly burst to life and positively screamed at me to notice how sexy and fresh-pickeled-toadlike his eyes were.

Aw dammit. I was falling for him.

Again.

Go. AWAY, you nasty little squid spawn!

I thought it was a bad sign that the voices in my head were cackling at me mockingly.

Harry was quiet a moment before he chuckled slightly, "Now now, Gin," he said, amusement in his tone, "No need to hurt yourself further."

My earlier musings were forgotten as I turned around in his grasp sharply and banged my fist against his chest, "You are harassing an invalid!" I proclaimed, glaring up at him and trying desperately to make the voices in my head shut up.

It didn't work. And Harry joined in their laughing, throwing his head back in the falling snow, and my breath hitched again as I stared at him. He looked back down at me again and stepping back, released me from his grasp. "You're hardly an invalid, Gin. Especially if I give you back your wand."

I scooped up my ice pack from the ground and placed it back against my head, pointing to it with my other hand, "Not an invalid, eh? My head bloody hurts!" I was doing my best to ignore the familiar tug of desire in my stomach and instead turned on my heel and marched towards the alleyway behind the grocery.

Harry jogged up beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. I cursed him silently and told the voices to shut up about how strong and warm and beautiful his arm was.

Honestly, beautiful arms. I was in for it this time if I was describing his limbs as beautiful. That was a sure sign of a debilitating and rapid downfall.

"So what are you going to do about the guano?" Harry asked as we reached the dumpster behind the store and stopped.

I blinked at him for a seconds.

The guano.

The bat shit, I should say.

The BAT SHIT.

That Hermione sent me on a wild bowtruckle chase for.

I turned smoldering eyes to Harry, "Guano," I told him, "is bat shit."

Harry's lips twitched slightly as he nodded.

"And you knew," I told him, "That's why you did the lip twitching thing."

As if to prove my point, his lips twitched.

I'd like to get a taste of those lips, I would.

Oh for the love of Merlin, would you shut up!

"I hate you," I declared, spinning on my heel and apparating to the alleyway beside Hermione's flat. I heard Harry pop in behind me. I ignored him and began walking along the wall towards the back doorway into the building.

"Aw, come on Gin," Harry said, following behind me, "I helped you out."

I snorted, "Oh did you? How d'you reckon that?"

Harry grinned at me and pulled a long black tube from inside the plastic grocery bag he was carrying. He handed it to me and smiled proudly.

I turned the tube over in my hands and examined it carefully, "…What is it?" I asked, unscrewing the top a bit as I did so.

"Bat shit," said Harry.

I glanced up at him in disbelief, "They actually had that in there?" I asked in amazement.

"Well, not technically. That's actually mascara, but it's made from bat shit."

Mascara? Mascara? The stuff I swiped on my eyelashes every morning from the magical cosmetics kit in my bathroom?

It was made of bat shit?

"How do you know?" I asked him.

He shrugged, "The sales lady told me."

I stared at the tube in my hand and wrinkled my nose, "Ew," I said.

Harry just laughed, "I can't imagine why Hermione didn't just tell you to get mascara. Don't know why she had to call it guano."

I snapped my head up to him sharply and then looked towards the window I knew was Hermione's. I narrowed my eyes menacingly, "I wonder why, indeed." I said, starting towards the door again.

Oh, Hermione was going to pay.

And so was Harry, for that matter.

The wanker.

The sexy beast sent from Heaven.

SHUT IT!

I shoved open the door to Hermione's apartment building and darted up the stairs two at a time, Harry trailing behind me. I ran to the end of the hall, tapped on the windowsill in front of me three times, and then banged fiercely on the door that had suddenly taken the place of the window.

"Hermione Jane Granger! You let me in RIGHT THIS INSTANT or I swear to MERLIN I will burn your DELUXE EDITION of Hogwarts, A History until it is nothing more than a pile of UNRECOGNIZABLE ASH!" I screamed, ramming my fist on the wood repeatedly.

Harry stood behind me and watched the scene unfold in slight apprehension, though I'm pretty sure he was more amused than anything. Stupid prat, always so bloody carefree now he'd killed Voldemort. Which I suppose was a good reason, but still. He was supposed to be intervening or something.

I was just beginning a new onslaught of slamming when the door was suddenly thrown open. I fell forwards and grabbed the door frame to keep from landing on my face between the two pink fuzzy slippers of the girl who had opened the door.

"Merlin, Ginny," she said, "Would you stop making such a bloody racket? The Muggles are going to--OH MY GOD!" And then she let out a piercing shriek that could have rivaled that of a banshee's.

I winced at the pain it was causing in my head and looked up to see an alien standing in the doorway of Hermione Granger's apartment. It was staring at Harry, and it was very pink, clad from head to toe in a pink bathrobe, pink socks, pink slippers, and a pink showercap adorning it's very green head. It's very green and slimy head.

I stared at it and then turned to Harry, who was looking quite terrified at the moment, staring transfixed at the alien in the doorway.

"They've eaten her," I told him, "The aliens have eaten Hermione."

Before Harry could respond, the alien shrieked it's unearthly language again and slammed the door forcefully.

Right onto my fingers, which were still gripping the doorframe.

My shriek rivaled the alien's, and I'm pretty sure Harry went temporarily deaf.

Not that he didn't deserve it.

...Well, ow.

For once, I agree.

A/N: Okay, I know. It's not quite as funny and ridiculous as the other chapters (maybe aside from the alien bit), but this is a bit of a transition chapter, so please bear with me.

I've mapped out for the most part the rest of the chapters during my pointless class at school, so updates SHOULD be coming sooner. However, there are no guarantees right now. Don't hold me to that.

I'm not sure I'm that happy with this chapter, but like I said, it's a bit of a transition, going to the actual wedding stuff I think, so maybe that's my excuse.

REVIEW!

Oh, and PS? Ya, mascara really is made of bat shit. Aren't you glad to know that girls?