Detached

by Bensler

Chapter 7

Benson Residence – Friday, January 28 – 11:15 a.m.

Boxes were still stacked along the wall separating the great room from the kitchen. Olivia stared at them and sighed. She had been in her new home for forty-six hours and unpacked a myriad of boxes as evidenced by the pile of flattened ones waiting at the front door to be taken to the trash.

She never realized she had so many things. Well, truthfully, a good portion was her mother's belongings that had been in a storage facility. Olivia decided to bring it all with her since home was now a real house that was three times the size of her small apartment.

Thanks to a diligent attorney, it was a timely surprise to learn her mother had a brother who had died and left everything to his sister. The attorney handling his will had found out Serena had died but he himself died before he had a chance to contact Olivia. Somehow the estate had never been never settled. A new attorney, fresh from taking the bar exam, had discovered the situation and contacted Olivia on Christmas Eve.

Seth Benson had run a successful fishing business. He was divorced and had no children. He owned a Cape Cod style home in a small seaside Connecticut village. It had two bedrooms upstairs with a Jack and Jill bathroom which was the only thing that needed updating; the master bedroom with a huge bathroom was downstairs. A third bathroom was next to an office that had apparently doubled as a library – its shelves filled with books. The kitchen had been remodeled twelve years ago with all new appliances while leaving an authentic butcher block and one sink with a pump to the well from the 1920's when the house was built. There was a formal dining area as well as a breakfast nook.

Her gaze shifted from chaos of her living quarters to the view from the huge picture window that took up one wall of the great room. Though it was a sunny day, the wind-whipped ocean created fearsome white caps making the waters both mesmerizing and dangerously inviting.

Grabbing her grey hoodie and her heavier puffy coat, she slipped out of the house and began the short trek across the brown grass of winter to the rocky beach. Her boots sunk into the dry sand making it difficult to navigate but she managed. Before long she was sitting on top of one of the smaller rocks and watched as the water rolled in and out.

As usual, she thought of him. He was never completely out of her thoughts even though she tried repeatedly to dispel every memory of him. Elliot. She was not sure when she realized he was so ingrained in her he had become a part of her. And she of him - so he had said during their last conversation. It was a conversation she knew by heart because she had played it over and over in her head so many times. She had analyzed and dissected every word; every inflection; every possible meaning. Some of it made no sense whatsoever yet some of it made far too much sense.

He had been sitting on the stoop of her building waiting for her to return. After their confrontation two nights previous about the note Dean had left, she had ignored his calls, texts and emails. She did not want to deal with him. However, she could not ignore the man who now stood and faced her.

The conversation between them was stilted at first but finally he apologized and tried to reason with her about her lack of emotion. Tried to convince her to continue talking to Huang. Tried to make her see he understood her because she was his partner.

'The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.' His blue eyes glinted in the dim light of the street lamp across from her apartment building.

She thought about that statement for a long moment then said, 'No. I've seen too much bad, been hurt too many times – I don't see any good anywhere, Elliot. Not anymore.'

'Ah, Liv. You know you don't believe that,' he countered.

She could see how desperately he wanted to believe she was exaggerating her feelings, or in this case the lack of them, but she wasn't. She really was through with trying to see good or do good. It just did not make a difference. At least not her life. And losing Calvin had brought a pain so deep it left her with a numbness she doubted would ever go away.

Quietly she looked at him, studied the face that was as familiar as her own. It wasn't his fault that he did not understand the emotional abuse and trauma that met her at every turn in her life. She could not blame him for having a wife and family to go home to after a tough case; people he love and who loved him. It was beyond all he knew to even partly understand what it was to be alone. Completely alone. To have no one to miss when if you don't come home; or to hold you when you cry over the atrocities you see every day; or simply to have someone to talk to, laugh with, share your life. The concept was something he simply could not wrap his mind around because in his world it had never been true.

Smiling slightly, she leaned over and placed her right hand against his left cheek. The scratchy stubble scrapped across her palm. And just for a second, just for a short second she wondered what it would be like to feel that stubble against her own cheek as their lips met in a kiss.

Chasing that thought away, she whispered. 'Yeah…I do believe it.'

'Liv...I-I can't do this alone.' The catch in his voice touched a place within her she thought was gone and nearly broke her reserve.

'You've never been alone, Elliot.'

'Olivia, you know what I mean. You're my partner. I need you.'

'You only think you need me.'

'Liv', he begged.

'Though I'm done with it, someone has to do this job, El. Someone has to believe. Keep on believing. For me, okay?'

His hand had covered hers but she slipped from his hold and into her building. She never looked back. If she had, she might have changed her mind.

The wind sliced through her and she shivered when a light spray of ocean water hit her face as a wave crashed against the rocks below her. She brushed her hair from her face and held it back with one hand while the other wiped away a salty tear.

"Elliot. Oh, El." His name softly uttered involuntarily under her breath, caught in the wind, the sound ripped away just like he and everything good in her life had been torn from her.

SVU Squad Room – Monday, January 31 – 3:45 p.m.

Four weeks. Unanswered calls, ignored texts, unacknowledged emails. Absolute silence from his partner. He was lost somewhere in his thoughts when he heard Fin and Munch arguing.

"I ain't sayin' he didn't do it," Fin insisted.

"Then what are you saying?" Munch asked.

"We gotta be sure he forged the sig. Otherwise, we ain't got no motive."

"All right. All right. I can agree with that. Hey, Elliot. What do you think?"

Elliot startled and sat up in his chair. "What?"

Fin and Munch exchanged glances and made their way to his desk. Fin stood beside it while Munch seated himself on one corner.

"You didn't hear a word we said, did you?" Munch accused.

Elliot shook his head. "Sorry, guys. A lot on my mind."

"Yeah. And all of it Olivia." Fin looked at him knowingly and the fact that Elliot didn't even try to pretend it she was not the reason for how distracted he had been solidified the truth of Fin's statement.

"I haven't seen or talked her in four weeks. She won't return my calls or texts or answer my emails." Elliot looked from one man to the other. "I don't know what to do."

Fin tried to make light of the situation. "Maybe 'Livia just needs some space, you know?"

"So much space she can't even let me know she's okay?"

Munch felt sorry for his colleague but he knew there was no chance of Olivia coming back. Not after what she had told him two weeks ago.

"I'm sure she's fine." Munch shifted on the desk and pushed his glasses back in place.

"She's anything but fine, John. You didn't see her place or…or…" Elliot started to explain but stopped. He could not betray Olivia and in his mind telling Munch and Fin or anyone else how she had been was nothing more than just that – betrayal. "Take my word, she's not okay."

"She's one tough lady. She can take care of herself." Fin's assurance was equally unmoving to Elliot, but he nodded anyway.

"Besides, sooner or later you've got to face the fact that she's not your partner anymore. She's gone from the department, SVU…and she's not coming back, Elliot," John reminded him.

Elliot had been staring at Munch the whole time he spoke but now as his jaw tightened his gaze fell away from the older man and locked onto something across the room. Fin and Munch looked at each other again silently steeling themselves for the eruption of rage they knew was inevitable.

Not your partner. Gone. Not coming back. The words may as well as been bullets piercing his body. In reality, they hurt worse than any bullets he had taken and this pain was unbearable. He tried breathing in and out slowly. He tried to release the rising tension by clenching and unclenching his fists. He tried to calm down. It was not working. The truth of the words settled against him weighing him down with their finality. That truth shredded his heart and made his head explode with the meaning. His partnership with Olivia really was over. And he could not take it.

Standing abruptly, he fisted a handful of Munch's shirt, jacket and tie and pulled the man to his face. "You know something I don't about Olivia?"

Fin was immediately on Elliot holding him back. "Come on, Stabler. Take it down a couple of notches."

Elliot shook him off. "Get off me! She tell you something, huh, John?" He tightened his hold on his friend and co-worker.

Munch's hands had gone to Elliot's trying to loosen his grip. "No. She just said she couldn't handle it anymore. That's all."

She couldn't handle it? Well, neither could he and his fist was about to make contact with Munch when Fin grabbed it and a loud booming voice filled the room.

"That's enough," Cragen ordered as he came up to the men and glared at Elliot. "You two take five and then get to work. You," he growled and pointed his finger in Elliot's face, "You go to my office."

Cragen was furious and Elliot did not blame him. He had no right to take out his frustration about Olivia on Munch. The man had not said anything Elliot didn't already know. He had simply forced him to face it. Now he just had to find a way to come to terms with it. But he could not do that alone. He needed to see or at least talk to her.

"What was that all about?" Cragen asked even though he knew instinctively it was about Olivia.

Elliot merely shook his head once and looked away from Cragen.

After all these years Cragen knew he would not get much out of Elliot when he was in a state like this, but he tried. "Detective, when I ask a question, I expect an answer."

Elliot seemed to deflate as he ran a hand over his head and sighed. "I…I…uh…it's been four weeks since I've heard from Liv."

Cragen needed no further explanation. Olivia's departure was hard on all of them, and he knew Elliot felt her absence on a much deeper level.

"We all miss her, Elliot. And I know her leaving had been harder on you, but if it affects your ability to do your job we have a problem."

Elliot looked up at him but then let his head rest in his hands with no response.

"I need you here mentally and emotionally as well as physically. Are you up to it? Or do you need some time off? You have plenty of leave," Cragen offered.

Shaking his head, he stood up. "No, sir. I'll deal with it."

Cragen nodded. "If you need to talk…"

Elliot stopped at the door way without turning around. "Thanks, Cap."

Cragen watched as Elliot went to Munch and said something. When the two shook hands Cragen knew he had apologized. He had no idea how Olivia leaving would finally play out for his squad. He only hoped he didn't end up losing a second detective.

Stabler Vehicle – Monday, January 31 – 9:12 p.m.

Elliot was miserable. There was no way around it. He had to see her. The fight over Dean had never really been settled even though he saw her two nights later. That night she had told him she could not do the job anymore. She had given up on life. Those were not her exact words but that was essentially what she had meant. Yet, she asked him to keep on believing. For her. He would try his best, but now after being without her for over all this time, he knew he could make no promises.

Christmas had come and gone and so had New Year's and even on those holidays he had not heard from her or been able to make contact. That added salt to his wounds. And now four more weeks had gone by. And her birthday was just last week. Had she celebrated it? With someone he didn't even know? Or had she even remembered it? Where was she? What was she doing?

He left the precinct late and tried calling Olivia again. Her cell phone went straight to voice mail and he croaked out one more message – 'Liv…it's me. Please call me when you get this, okay?'

He hated how pathetic his voice sounded – so wounded and needy. Well, he did need her. Turning the car around he decided he was not going home to listen to Kathy gripe about him missing dinner again and not spending enough time with her or the kids. He found himself heading toward Olivia's.

Benson Residence – Monday, January 31 – 9:39 p.m.

He sat outside the building for fifteen minutes or more trying to find the nerve to go up. Noticing there was no light on in her apartment and he began to worry something was wrong. It didn't take long for worry to turn to panic and he found himself running up her stoop. He slipped in with a young couple and made his way up to the fourth floor.

4D. Hesitating, he finally knocked and knocked and knocked. Minutes later, a neighbor across the hall opened her door. "If you're looking for Olivia, she's gone," the elderly woman informed him.

Gone. She's gone. If he had to hear that one more time…he would go beserk.

"You know when she might be back?" he asked politely and smiled at the woman.

"She's not coming back."

There were those words again. Elliot blinked and told himself to chill out.

"She moved." And with that the lady went back inside and left Elliot staring at the closed door with 4E on it.

What? He turned and looked at Olivia's door. With shaking hands he pulled his key ring from his pocket and found her apartment key. All these years and not once had he used it. Not once had there been an emergency where he needed to use it. But he needed to now. He needed to see for himself.

At the sound of the lock mechanism turning, Elliot, heart pounding against his ribcage, took a deep breath and held it as he opened the door to Olivia's apartment. The sight nearly knocked him off his feet. Except for an empty water bottle on the kitchen counter and a roll of packing tape on the floor, it was empty. Just like him. Empty.

This time he wasn't going to find her in Computer Crimes and she wasn't undercover with the Feds. This time she really was gone.

"Olivia," he whispered. "Oh, my God. Liv." Her name caught in his throat and the sound echoed and taunted him in the emptiness of the apartment. Or was it the emptiness of his heart?

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~