To say I was frustrated would be the biggest understatement of the year. I lived basically all my free time, the rare time I got it, in fear of Gamzee finding me. When I was trying to find the elusive tyrant, he was nowhere to be found.
I had been searching for hours now and though I had found everyone but Gamzee, it didn't improve my spirits. The castle was getting darker as the sky did and the eerie glow of the candles was throwing off a strange glow. I pushed on.
After walking for so long it seemed as if the hallways and passage ways were getting shorter and shorter as I continued down them, or they all blended in. When you have no hope of escape you don't consider your layout though you have been there for years. Now I regretted it, maybe I would have a better handle of the layout if I had tried sooner.
But I was doing the best I could now, I knew. And there was only going to be one thing getting done tonight, and that was talking to Gamzee. The sane thing was not to go find a very insane and capricious leader but I knew it was my only option. If luck was on my side then he would be in a cooperative mood. If it wasn't... I didn't want to think about it. So I thought about something that had been plaguing me since I had begun, my legs were hurting. If I could just focus on the pain of my bruised soles than it was easier to forget I was on a death mission. Often I tried to think of why I had been actively seeking out trouble from Gamzee, maybe I had a death wish? Maybe a part of me liked it?
Both options confused and slightly sickened me. Maybe there was truth in them, I couldn't be sure. After all, how could I enjoy anything Gamzee gave me? Especially the mental torture? I didn't see how someone could enjoy it.
Things with him were just... complicated, I decided. Complicated being he killed my best friend and now probably wants to kill me too. So not very complicated at all.
On that grim note I finally recognized something that I had been looking for. The way my heart filled with dread, perhaps it was an indicator I wasn't as prepared as I had first believed. Gamzee's room stood in front of me and I knew I had found my destination.
At first glance it really didn't seem like much. Granted, it was intimidating and imposing, but what wasn't here? The door was thick and heavy wood, it was very heavy. It was framed in dark and imposing blocks of stone and the worst off, it seemed to be lightly speckled in flecks of blood. The last one wasn't immediately apparent unless you knew where to look. Naturally I knew where to look, having been there when some of it was there. The scariest thing of all though, was knowing that Gamzee was probably inside.
I took a deep breath, gathering my courage. I dug my fingers into my palms bringing up little beads of blood. I didn't care. After I had approached it I came to a halt in front of the door. I knew I had to go and move fast or else I would lose my nerve. So I did, I pushed the door right open, though losing a bit of the dramatic appeal because of how slowly it moved open.
I was waiting with bated breath and leaped into the room, prepared to corner him. I was like a master hunter stalking their prey... Or I would have seemed that way had he been in there. This was getting a little ridiculous. I sighed then frowned. Well, what's the point in getting all the way here and then turning around? I was tempted to turn around and just leave, but the only thing I did was turn around and calmly close the door. If I heard someone approaching I would just hide under the bed, easy enough. I knew nothing really was that easy but it was easier to fake myself into thinking it was.
Now that I had gotten into the final step of my plan, I didn't know where to start. I hadn't been in here since the window incident and it was a little overwhelming and strange to be back in here. Dwelling on that brought up a whole bunch of emotions I didn't want to deal with. Gamzee had given me so many feelings it was so hard to sort them out in my head. I doubted I would ever know how to feel. I shuffled over to a desk that sat in the corner of the room. On top lay nothing of importance, as I opened a drawer, I was invested in searching through it's contents.
Any mention of marriage or Karkat is what I was searching for. As I was halfway through, papers strewn all over lap, I heard the sound of approaching foot steps. I knew what to do, I hastily threw all the papers back in the drawer and climbed under the bed. As soon as I was underneath the bed, the door was opened again. Though I was safely under the bed I wondered how long it would last for. Gamzee couldn't be impossible to trick though? I remained confident, I was going to do well this time. I heard more steps around the room, though I didn't see them. This was partly because I was partaking in the old saying of "if I can't see you, you can't see me," though the point was ruined by my eyes being closed.
More steps were heard before they came to an abrupt stop... I wasn't a fan of that. I opened my eyes to see if the feet were in front of the bed and... oh no... A scarred face staring back at me. On reflex I started kicking hearing a "fuck!" coming from Gamzee. I scrambled to the top of the bed, next to the wall. I didn't move quite fast enough though and he managed to grab one foot. He was holding his nose with the other hand trying to stop the bleeding. The blood was smeared on his face and the hand, hopefully I scarred it. I wrapped my arms around the wood panels under his bed. Maybe I was stronger than one handed Gamzee... That thought pattern was stopped in it's tracks after a violent tug. If my grip didn't break from the pressure perhaps he would pull the whole leg off. But I remained, gripping the bar and kicking with both my feet as much as I could.
My left foot evaded capture for quite awhile before he finally caught it. That's when I knew I was coming out from under the bed, whether I wanted to or not. Finally with one final tug, my hands were wrenched from the board and flailing and kicking I was pulled out.
My feet were let go of and in a second my arms were grabbed. That didn't stop me from kicking every which way, decency in a dress be damned.
I sometimes made contact with my feet, sometimes I missed him by a mile but it didn't matter as he pulled me up by my arms. He didn't even look at me as he threw me roughly on the bed. I tried to roll off but he jumped on the bed, specifically on top of me. Gamzee squashed my insides and knocked the air out of me as he did so. I was momentarily stunned and he took advantage of this as he grabbed my face roughly and forced me to look at him. His blood was no framing my face and occasionally it would drop on me as his face hovered over mine.
We didn't say anything for awhile though I could scarcely feel my legs anymore from the pressure of him straddling them. My heart was beating crazy fast, it felt like it would bump out of my chest. We had moments like this before but never with so much blood... or passion. Gamzee was staring at me in a way he never had before and I didn't know how it made me feel. It stirred unnatural feelings in me, advance or abscond?
That choice was made better for me as Gamzee leaned down to kiss me. It was surprisingly tender, though a bit sticky from the blood from his nose. He had me pinned so that I couldn't move. I wasn't sure I would have wanted to even if he had. Probably the only person I hated more than Gamzee at that moment was me for not stopping it. But I couldn't, or at least that's how it felt. A better word would probably be didn't want to. It had been so long since I had felt such a tender moment, I decided, enjoying the way our tongues felt swirling together.
I felt Gamzee's hands stop from pinning mine and felt them wander across my body. It was strange, though I felt like I had some objections, I also felt possessed to the point that nothing was mine anyway. So I made no effort to stop. Besides any Gamzee that was not hurting me was a good Gamzee. Suddenly as if out of nowhere, he bit down on my lip. It was painful and I looked up at him, startled. I could feel the blood pooling from my lip and it dripped over my cheek onto his bed. "Just to be fucking fair," he clarified. Ah, I got it. It was payback for his nose bleed.
Suddenly I remembered why I was here in the first place. "Gamzee," I tried, "I have to talk to you." He hummed in response before leaning down again. The taste of copper was now over powering. I struggled against him but nothing worked. Eventually I was neutral, neither for nor against. Simply there. After awhile this bored him, and he separated again, breathing heavily.
"That was your first fucking kiss wasn't it?" He laughed loudly as if the very idea thrilled him. "No, wait, first willing kiss." He smirked now, suddenly I was embarrassed. "Well, Nepeta, aren't you going to fucking say something?"
I remained silent, glaring at him defiantly. It was true, I didn't have much pride, but I was at least going to pretend like I did.
His eyes grew darker and I knew his mood was getting darker too. "That is unless Karkat's gotten to you." He chuckled again at the blush that spread across my face. "No, he wouldn't. Did you know he likes someone? And she likes him back. And that person is definitely not you." He lifted his finger and poked me in the nose, "honk."
"You don't know what you're talking about Gamzee." My voice was strong somehow, though I felt so weak and embarrassed.
He shook his head. "I've seen the way you mother fucking look at him. He's looked at you, too, but never like that. He thinks you're weird and sad. And look at you, who would want you covered in blood? You should take care of yourself more." Tears were welling up in my eyes. This isn't what I wanted to happen, this wasn't in the plan. "Besides, he knows you're mine. I let him know."
"I am not yours!" I shouted this at him, bringing my hand up to smack him but his hands quickly stretched out to stop it. He pinned my arms back over my head. He was so much stronger than me, I wasn't sure what to do. I felt very vulnerable just laying on the bed with him on top of me. "I will never, ever be yours Gamzee Makara." I put as much venom as I could into my voice, hoping I could at least make an impact at all. He didn't seem to notice or care.
"I figured if I'm going to be king of this place, I couldn't not have a fucking queen, you know?" He looked at me again, and I realized this is why he had told Karkat that we were getting married. Halfway jealousy, halfway to be the ruler.
"Why don't you just admit you're jealous?" I taunted. "I know you want me, I can feel it. And you're mad because I. Don't. Want. You." My anger was getting the best of me and I was talking back. Never the smartest thing to do and yet I couldn't stop myself. "The problem with wanting what you can't have is that you will never get it. And that's killing you, isn't it?"
His face wore a look of rage and suddenly he was kissing me again, or we were kissing, but it wasn't the gentle kind like before. It was filled with hate and lust and it was over powering. We were pulling each others hair and rolling around, smearing blood everywhere. I just hated him so much, but I was so attracted to him. I gave a particularly hard yank to his hair and he let out a shaky breath. It was one of the few moments I had him under my control and it was a powerful feeling.
I rolled us over and pinned his arms back, though he didn't fight me very much on it. I reached under his skin while we were kissing and I made deep scratches in his skin, I knew blood would be bubbling up if it wasn't already. Hopefully it would scar. It was nice to have the freedom of my legs, I decided as I sat on top of him. Gamzee looked up at me and I wasn't sure what to read from his eyes. I wonder, though, what he saw in mine? Suddenly we were together again and it didn't matter anymore. My fingers weaving into his tangled and thick hair, occasionally pulling some.
I didn't hear the door open but Gamzee gripped my arms and forced me to stay put as he stared up at me. I was confused and wanted to jump off him, but was too scared. When I heard who it belonged to, I was frozen in place. "Hey, Nepeta, when do you..." Then he went silent.
"She's fucking busy," Gamzee said before pulling me down to kiss again. I was as solid as stone, not cooperating. This was a very compromising position; it had to be very obvious what we were doing. I felt embarrassed and humiliated. I felt a lot of things, mostly horror that I had been involved like this with Gamzee.
"I fucking see that," Karkat said as he left the room, slamming the door shut.
Gamzee dropped his arms off me, and I launched myself off him as he laughed at my misfortune. "I fucking hate you so much," I told him, tears of anger welling up in my eyes.
He laughed at what I said and he was still laughing as he leaned off his bed and reached into a little nightstand set by it. "Then fucking do something about it. If you hate me as much as you say..." Gamzee grabbed something by it, gave one final chuckle, and then turned around and lightly threw it at me. I barely caught it and it glimmered in the light. I looked down at it, it was a knife. I knew I couldn't kill him so I just stood in front of him still, hating every bit of him.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed in front of me, mocking me mercilessly. Just by smiling I was thrown into a rage. But I couldn't kill him and he knew it. "Go on, little kitten, kill me. Kill me like I killed your friend. What was his name again? Oh yes, Equius. As soon as he opened the door to protect you, I was there. I strangled him, did you know that? He didn't even put up a fight." He said all of this with a straight face, as if daring me to kill him.
The rage inside of me was palpable. For all the years I had been tortured and for all the people he had killed, I wanted to kill him. But I knew I didn't want to deal with the guilt of his death on my hands. So I did another thing that would make me feel better. As soon as he started laughing at me, for the final time, I decided. Quick as lightning I reached up, slicing his face parallel to the one I left as a twelve year old. This one was just as deep, undoubtedly leaving another scar. He gave a cry as he grabbed his face, shouting "What the FUCK did you do?!"
I threw the knife on the ground, "Go on. Kill me." I was over his games, and unlike him, I knew he wouldn't do anything.
After standing there for seconds and he didn't do anything, I knew I had won. I calmly walked out of the room though I was feeling anything but calm on the inside. I closed the door behind me and sat outside it and cried. I hated myself and I hated Gamzee so fucking much I could scream.
I heard footsteps but didn't look up. "Wow. What the hell's wrong with you?" I looked up from my tears and my bloody lip and saw it was Vriska. I just shrugged and she looked awkward. "Well, uh, why don't you come with me? Not that I'm being nice or anything, but anything to piss off Gamzee." And she extended an arm to me. I accepted it and she pulled me up. "Just follow me, I guess."
And after a minute or two we were in front of her door and she opened the door a little bit, looked inside a second before ushering me in after her. Her room was a wreck. The whole place was completely trashed and it was all her doing. If I weren't in such a miserable mood I would have thought it was funny. The one person the Makara's couldn't out mess.
"Sorry about the mess..." She had the decency too look embarrassed. "Me and Ka... I mean I am just a slob is all. Anyway, just go ahead and use the bathroom or whatever. You can use clothes or whatever. Just clean up that blood, okay?"
I walked to the adjoining bathroom not saying anything. I closed the door behind me, and turned to the sink. I washed the blood off me, some of it mine, some of it his. I cried as I did it, deep loud sobs. I was so dysfunctional, I was broken. Equius would be so disappointed in me, I knew. I wasn't someone he would be proud of. I doubted I ever would be.
For awhile I lay on the ground just sobbing. Eventually though, my bones began to ache and I left the bathroom. Vriska was in the doorway talking to someone outside in hushed tones before she cut off the conversation and closed the door in their face before I could see who it was. She turned around to me before saying, "Hey, uh, do you just want to go to bed? You can go ahead and have my bed, I have some stuff to do."
I nodded appreciatively, the crying had worn me out. I was happy she didn't feel the need to ask me about the crying. I just wanted to be left alone. I fell into the bed, not bothering to change my clothes and fell asleep instantly, the warm covers forming a cocoon around me.
I know I promised two chapters but I figured an extra long one and super sloppy bloody hate make outs make up for it. I hope no one feels triggered, haha! My sister drew some beautiful art for the fic and I am in love with it! I had an awesome time at the con, I will get around to pictures eventually. Anyways, happy reading and thanks for reading. :o)
