This chapter is dedicated to "Hate being abducted by aliens" Im so sorry that you had to wait for a fix :P but you can break your cycle of abstinense now... Hope its good enough for you little one x x

I was late for work. I am never late for work. Not that Mulder, or Skinner would make a big deal about one time, but still, I am never late. I hurried down to the basement, wanting to be anywhere else but where I was heading. I stopped in front of the door. As I reached that ever familiar door, I took a couple of deep breaths to settle my rapid heart, it's beating slowed but didn't return to normal. I suppose that was the best I could hope for. I reached for the door handle and pulled my hand back not wanting to touch that cold metal, not wanting to open the door, not wanting to find what I knew would be on the other side… I don't know long I stood out in the corridor changing and un-changing my mind about walking into that tiny room, but I heard footsteps coming towards me from down the hall and panicked. I didn't want to be seen being fidgety and suspicious, not that anyone else would realise the change in my behaviour pattern but I just didn't want to be seen by anyone. I hadn't meant to panic as I did but in my haste I grabbed the handle and flung it open causing Mulder to jump my entrance.

"Scully?"

"I'm sorry Mulder…I didn't mean to… er…" I immediately turned a deep shade of pink at the attention I had put on myself.

"No. It's okay Scully, it's just that I just didn't expect you to…" he smiled a genuine smile at me as he talked.

"…make such a grand entrance." Although he was smiling, I could tell he was embarrassed about last night. Even though he had apologised to me and we had made up I could still feel the slight tension between us that said Mulder still wanted his answer.

I mumbled another apology as I made my way over to "my" area of the office and sat down. I could feel Mulder's gaze follow me around the room and watch me as I took out the case file I was working on. He was obviously intrigued by my behaviour, but was it any wonder? But after what he had said last night…he still had to wait for me. I still wasn't ready to tell him how I felt or what I had meant by asking him that now infamous question.

I can still feel his mouth on my cheek and the feel of his breath on my skin. It's not like he hasn't kissed me before, of course he has and plenty of times too, but now I didn't want his kisses in a "friendly" way anymore, I wanted him to love me like he had loved…Kristen?. Yes… unfortunately, after I got returned, Mulder felt the need to explain "Kristen" to me. Why tell me Mulder? Honestly, there is a line and you crossed it! Like I wanted to know that you did the nasty with the vampire girl? I would rather not know shit like that, especially when it pains me so much to find that you would sleep with a stranger that you haven't known but five minutes! … You have know me for five years Mulder? Well, yeah, it was only two back then. I know you didn't know, don't know my feelings but… the vampire girl? Really? It would be like me wanting…wanting Eugene Tooms - it's just wrong!

I hadn't wanted to listen as Mulder told me what had happened, but my ears rung with his explanations. It was all I heard for hours in my head afterwards. Of course he hadn't told me what they did, he didn't need to go into that much detail, but a girl has an imagination when it comes to that kind of thing and I knew exactly what they had done… and after he had left me I couldn't help but cry. I cried every kind of tear possible.

What made it worse was that after my return, while I was in hospital, I had realised how I felt about Mulder. I had heard his voice asking me to come back to him. That was when I knew I was in love with him. So I came back to him. Mulder was the only reason for me to return to the world. And then all of a sudden here he was telling me about Kristen and he never even realised that somethings you do not share with your partner and that this was one of them!…especially when she has just been through a very traumatic "abduction" and doesn't know how she is supposed to feel about anything, let alone…this? I know Mulder wouldn't have known what he was putting me through at the time but he didn't have to tell me any of it, and yet he did. Why did he? Was it guilt because I was missing and felt he needed to keep being honest with me, like before? Or shame because he slept with a suspect in a case? Or the fact that she was dark and twisted and interesting? Either way I would have preferred to not know.

There was another I knew of previously…Phoebe. The woman was a bitch and I hated her - for all their "history", She had Mulder very nearly falling into her arms again while we were working on a case with her. It was a case of history almost repeating. Even though I didn't like her and didn't like their "history", I found that I couldn't blame Mulder for wanting to remember how they had been together as Phoebe was beautiful and had the prettiest accent I had ever heard. There are probably more girls that Mulder hasn't told me about, for whatever reason, but Kristen and Phoebe are the only ones that I am aware of. Thank God! I'm really not sure how I would react to knowing there were more girls that weren't me. It would, more than likely, end up with me spilling fresh tears and re - opening old, rather painful wounds.

Refreshing my imaginary memories of Kristen and Phoebe and what they and Mulder had together actually forced me to confront facts: the fact that they had had Mulder and that if I wanted Mulder I would just have to tell him how I felt. Maybe Mulder would never feel the same and maybe things would be always be different between us from now on, but then again…five years? Maybe he could learn to love me? Maybe…just maybe… Or not…Mulder could very well decide he never wants to see me ever again. There was only one way to find out.

I felt quite proud of myself that I had actually made my decision. Suddenly I felt a huge weight being lifted off me, like my tears and pain had suddenly been validated. Like "it" was all worth it, only I didn't know if any of "it" would be worth it. Even though I had made my choice and was proud of the fact that I had, I wasn't happy about it. I still didn't feel ready to say anything at all but I knew deep down that time was running out. I couldn't avoid the subject forever.

"…Mulder? …Can I ask you something?" I kept my head down as I spoke, pretending that I was going to ask him about the file in front of me. My voice was low.

I looked up from my file and saw that Mulder was still watching me. He hadn't said a word to me about wanting to talk, but I knew that was what he wanted to do. It was an unspoken request but the intensity of the look that i was getting from him scared me. I could feel my skin burning. God… What the Hell Mulder? Stop it! Stop pressuring me!

That's when I bottled it.

"Never Mind. It's not important.. It can wait… "