English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.


Season of Farewell

Chapter 6: The Thought


Athrun entered his room with an armful of presents, taking care not to drop any of them. Today was two days before his birthday. Since his birthday was a weekday, though, he had suggested having the party on Sunday instead when Cagalli had brought up the topic of his birthday party. Thus, his friends had gathered at his house to celebrate his birthday this afternoon. Well, Dearka had had no hesitation in calling it a chance to let off steam, especially since they had had midterm exams a week ago, and Yzak had been in total agreement. But Athrun was grateful for his friends nonetheless.

Maybe except for Dearka, though, who had somehow gotten some beers and brought them, most of which he consumed himself. At the end of the party, they had even considered calling a taxi for Dearka since they doubted the blond could reach home safely otherwise, barely conscious or able to stand up. Lacus had suggested that her chauffeur, Mr. Dacosta, could take Dearka to his house. Nicol had volunteered to be the chaperon to make sure the blond would go inside his house, and to his room. Yzak had tagged along, saying he could use a ride since Dearka's house was closer to his than Athrun's.

Nicol had said he would wait a little after reaching the neighborhood before going into Dearka's house so that the blond could sober up a bit, but Athrun doubted it would help much. Dearka had looked too wasted. His parents would be very likely to catch him still drunk. And frankly, Athrun didn't feel much sympathy for the blond. Whatever the punishment would be, Dearka had brought it on himself, given his behavior.

As Athrun shook his head and dumped the gifts on his desk, his eyes landed on a box of bath bombs among them. His cheeks slightly warmed up. Cagalli had given it to him, saying he tended to work too hard and so he should use them to have a relaxing and fun bath time. Dearka had commented that she could share a bath with Athrun to give him a relaxing and pleasurable bath time, then gotten smacked in the head by both the Hibiki twins. Athrun had simply put his effort into fighting off a blush and maintaining a cool face.

Athrun's eyes shifted toward his bed. He had not yet shared a bath with Cagalli and doubted he was going to in a near future, but they were very likely to use the bed later. He walked over to the bed and slid a hand under his pillow to make sure a package of condom and a tube of lubricant he had placed earlier were still there. The bed was clean and made. Still, he straightened the covers and the pillow.

Then, he slowly walked back to his desk to open the top drawer. After a little hesitation, he grabbed what had been sitting there for a while and put it in his pocket. He pressed a hand against the pocket as he left his room and went downstairs as if making sure its content wouldn't vanish.

In the living room, near the door to the kitchen, Cagalli was tying a garbage bag. Noticing him, she looked up. "You like to put this in the dining room, right?"

She and Kira often put garbage bags at the entrance, which Athrun had witnessed, so that they wouldn't forget to bring them to the dump yard in the morning. But Athrun didn't want people who came to his house, even if it was just a delivery man, to see the bags and preferred to keep them in the back of the house.

"Yes. I can take it." He stepped toward her, but she hurriedly hid the bag behind her.

"I'll do it. You just sit there. This is your birthday party."

As she disappeared into the dining room, he looked around the living room. The room looked clean enough, except for a stain on the carpet. Dearka had spilled his beer while laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. Athrun had quickly searched the Internet for how to get rid of a beer stain and taken care of it, with his other friends' help; it would hopefully be gone once the carpet got dry. The incident had made everyone other than Dearka, who insisted he wouldn't go home until everyone else had some "proper" fun like him, agree that it was time to wrap up the party.

Eyeing the stain, Athrun started for the kitchen to see whether there was something that needed his hand. Before he reached the door, however, Kira and Lacus came out of it. They had stayed to help him and Cagalli clean up.

"Are you done there?" he asked.

"Yes. The dishwasher is working now," Lacus replied. "And we cleaned up the sink and the counters."

"Thank you."

Lacus smiled. "You are welcome."

"It seems we can leave now. Mr. Dacosta called Lacus a minute ago he's already back here," Kira said, then turned toward his sister who had just returned from the dining room and waved a finger at her, more playful than serious. "Curfew is ten thirty, remember? You better not break it. Just because Mom won't be home, doesn't mean she won't find out about you cutting loose and coming home late," he warned, though it sounded more like teasing.

"You better be at home by ten thirty," Cagalli shot back with a scowl, her face pink. "Don't forget time because you have too much fun with Lacus or whatever."

Kira shrugged though his cheeks were mimicking his sister's. "I'm actually taking her to our house."

Cagalli lifted her chin. "Then you better make sure she's at home by ten thirty. I can talk to her father, you know."

Kira looked a little annoyed. "Playing dirty, huh?"

Cagalli huffed. "You started it."

"Fine. But you still can't spend a night with a guy."

"I don't need your permission."

They stared each other down, folding their arms in front of their chests, until Lacus clapped her hands.

"It is great that you two care about each other so much." The pink-haired girl smiled broadly. "However, I would like to go and have some alone time with Kira, if you allow us, Cagalli-san."

The twins blinked at Lacus with blank faces, looked at each other, then at Lacus again. Their movements completely synchronized, which gave it a comical feel.

"Yeah...sure," Cagalli said, scratching her head.

"Excellent." Lacus looped her arm through Kira's. "Then, shall we?"

"Um, yeah." Kira nodded and started walking toward the sofa where his and Lacus's belongings were.

Lacus cheerfully waved a hand. "Have a good time, Athrun, Cagalli-san."

The other three mumbled their own goodbyes, then the couple left. As Athrun locked the door, he and Cagalli glanced at each other.

"So...um...your room?" She motioned upward, her flushed face turned away from him.

He cleared his throat. "Before that, I have something to give you," he said, his pulse quickening. He wasn't sure he was ready to do it. But if he waited long, he might get too distracted and forget about it. Or he might crush what was inside his pocket in the heat of the moment they were surely going to have.

Her eyes found him. "What is it?"

Taking in a long breath, he grabbed her left hand, pulled a ring out of his pocket, and slipped it onto her ring finger.

For a moment, she just stared at the silver ring with a red gem, her mouth half open and her eyes wide. Then she lifted her gaze. "Wh-what...this..." she stuttered. He averted his eyes.

"Yo-you can't give me a ring this way!"

He was taken aback. His lips turned downward as he shifted his eyes back to her. "Well, sorry it wasn't romantic."

"No, no, that's not what I meant," she hurriedly said with a red face, tousling her hair. "Well, a bit. But what I really want to say is, it's your birthday. You can't give me a gift."

"Oh." He was relieved. "It's all right. I wanted to give it to you."

A frown appeared on her face. "But you gave me that bracelet for my birthday. So it's two presents for me and one for you. That's not fair."

Half amused and half amazed, he thought fast. "Actually...you are wrong there. Because it's not a birthday gift for you. You give people gifts for other occasions, right? To show them you care about them, for instance. Like you give me snacks after...I take a day off school," he softly reminded her. The snacks he received on the day after Valentine's Day were one of the best gifts she had given him.

"When you put it that way..." Looking convinced, she regarded the ring for a little before turning her eyes to him. "You don't like to wear rings, do you?"

He raised his eyebrows. "No. I'd rather you wouldn't give me a ring in return."

Her lips formed a little pout. "Okay..." She appeared to be still pondering what she could give him.

He pulled her close. "You know, you can show me your feelings by some gestures instead of things."

As he pressed his forehead against hers, understanding spread over her face. She obediently closed her eyes and angled her face so that he could easily kiss her. His face melting into a satisfied smile, he took her lips. He promptly slid his tongue between her lips and she opened her mouth wider so that he could go deeper. His tongue moved around her hot mouth, playing with her tongue. He wanted to feel every part of it, of her.

After a moment, she pulled away for a breath. He didn't let her go far and captured her lips again. Another moment of passionate kiss, then it was he who pulled away this time.

"Let's go to my bed," he suggested in a hoarse voice. Panting, she nodded.

He held her hand and pulled her toward the stairs. They were both silent on the way. Heading to a bed for sex still felt somewhat awkward, making his heart beat faster.

Standing beside his bed, they shared a shy look, then a kiss. The heat the kiss stoked in his body made him both relaxed and tense. They climbed onto the bed while kissing and fondling each other, and ended up collapsing on the mattress, her on him. Her head hit his nose and he let out a small sound of pain.

"S-sorry." She shuffled to untangle their bodies and lift herself, then looked down at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah..." He rubbed his nose.

She took his hand to move it away from his nose. He noticed a twinkle in her eyes as she lowered her head. She dropped a kiss on the tip of his nose, then asked with a mischievous smile, "Did it make the pain go away?"

He let out a chuckle. "I guess it did."

"Good." With a satisfied nod, she caressed his nose.

He slowly sat up while pulling her head down with a hand to kiss her again, careful not to move fast. He didn't want another crash of bodies, not that kind anyway.

Exchanging kisses, they took off the clothes, mostly taking care of the other's. His hands worked more quickly than hers and he succeeded in stripping her naked while still having his underwear on.

He gently pushed her down. Her hands came up to stroke his bare back, causing a tingling sensation that spread over his body. He shivered, torn between wanting to quickly lose himself into this amazing heat and wanting to take it slow so that it would last longer. The choice was always hard to make.

Her hands reached the edge of his briefs. He let her pull them down, then kicked them off him. She started to caress his body again, but he pinned her arms on the bed. His eyes traveled over her body, which caused it to flush. The sight was just as exciting as it had been the first time. Maybe more so now that he knew what would come next, what kind of feelings the body of hers would give him.

His heart pounding even harder, he lowered his head to attack her neck, then breasts, with his lips, tongue, and teeth. She made the sounds he loved to hear, the sounds telling him that his actions could cause her as much pleasure as she caused in him.

He sucked hard at her soft skin to leave a mark and lifted his head to appreciate his handiwork. His eyes wandered toward her left hand which was closing and opening as she tried to handle the sensations he had given her. There was something quite satisfying about the sight of her wearing only his ring—and his mark.

He released her arms and lifted her left hand to kiss the gem on the ring. It was the color of the gem that had attracted him to the ring: the color of fire.

With an almost desperate voice, she called his name, her other hand pulling him in for a kiss. Her kiss was as frenzied as her voice, setting his body aflame.

Fervently kissing her back, he laced his right hand with her left one, a small part of his mind focusing on the hard feel of metal on his skin. It was a proof that she was his. Right now, she was here, in his arms and under his body, and even after she went far away, she would be his. She would always be.

He told himself so over and over as he returned to tasting her body. It was soft and sweet and warm—maybe hot, but his body was getting hotter. He wanted everything of it. He wanted everything of her. He wanted to take her inside him and never let her go. He wanted to go inside her and never leave. He knew it was impossible, but he still couldn't help wanting—craving.

With ragged breath, he straightened a little and slipped his hand under his pillow to grab the condom. He couldn't fulfill those wishes; he doubted the desire—the hunger and thirst—for her could ever be completely satisfied even if he devoured her. But he could have the illusion of satisfaction at least. He could be inside her and actually connect with her for a little while. His body was desperate to.

But his hand stopped before ripping the package open as a thought came into his sex-hazed brain. What if he didn't wear a condom? What if she got pregnant? She would probably not want to have an abortion. Would it make her change her mind about college—about leaving him? Could he keep her at his side? Could he chain her to—

"Athrun?"

He snapped out of his thoughts. Cagalli was looking up at him quizzically. With those amber eyes full of love and trust.

"I..."

Nausea rose up inside him. Dropping the condom, he closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. As he collapsed on the sheet, away from her, he felt like someone had smashed his head with full force. His head was reeling with shock and his body, which had been burning hot a second ago, felt like ice.

"I'm sorry, Cagalli," he choked out.

After several heartbeats, warm hands touched his back to caress it. "There, there, it's all right," she softly said, still panting, and held him in her arms. The warmth transferred from her body to his, which he didn't deserve but took anyway.

He drew a dozen of shaky breathes while gathering the courage to reveal his face to her. He was still unable to look at her face and kept his gaze down. "I don't feel well. Can we...can we stop?" Then he repeated in a low voice, "I'm sorry."

A part of him was scared that she saw through him, saw the horrible thought in his head. However, she just said in a reassuring tone, "It's okay, Athrun." Her voice was filled with concern, which tightened his chest. Her hand gently stroked his head. "You look pale. I think you should lie down." She reached out to collect her clothes. "I'm going to get some water, okay?"

"Yeah..."

He remained still as she dressed herself and left the room, then awkwardly slid down the bed to put on his clothes. After covering up himself, he sat on the bed and dropped his head into his hands.

He had never been as disgusted with himself. He had never been as disgusted with anyone. How could he have considered such a thing, violating her trust like that? How could he have stooped so low? He didn't want to be like that. He didn't want to be such a shameful man who got his girlfriend pregnant without her consent to tie her to him. But it was who he was, who he had become, apparently.

The thought sickened him to no end.

As if pouring salt on the wound, a memory came to his mind. In the middle of his first year in middle school, a little before his thirteenth birthday, his mother had sat him down and given him a sex talk, which was mostly about the risks of having sex and precautions he could take. To his enormous relief, she had not asked him about his sex life or explained how to use the precautions in details, though he still felt uncomfortable. It was one thing that a teacher gave a lecture to the whole class; it was entirely another that someone gave you a one-on-one lecture, especially when it was your own mother.

Although his body was turned toward her on the sofa in the living room they were both occupying, he had kept his eyes on the floor once he understood what the talk was about, fighting a blush and the urge to run away. But she had shaken his shoulder a little.

"Athrun, I know you're embarrassed. But look at me and listen carefully. This is important." She had waited until he reluctantly looked at her face. "Sex isn't something you should take lightly. Neither is pregnancy. If a girl gets pregnant when she doesn't want to—and teen girls usually don't want to, as I'm sure you are aware—the consequence of pregnancy is...not pretty. No matter what she chooses to do with the baby, she is likely to get hurt in one way or another. None of the options are easy."

Her face and tone had turned even more serious. "When you like a girl and want to sleep with her, I want you to think hard about the risks and act carefully. Responsibly." His mother had reached out to stroke his cheek. "You are a kind boy, Athrun. I know you don't want to hurt a girl you love, or any girl for that matter. I don't want you to get hurt, too. So, keep it in mind, all right?"

He had given her a silent nod, still too mortified to talk, and she had smiled. "Good. Then we're done. Well, for now anyway," she had teasingly added before allowing him to escape to his room.

Despite the embarrassment, he had properly followed his mother's teaching. After starting to date Cagalli, he had made his own research to make sure he knew everything he should know about sex and been careful to take precautions when they slept together...and yet, he had somehow ended up here.

What would his mother say if she were here and knew about this? Would she be mad? Or sad? She would certainly be disappointed in him, deeply. She had been concerned about his mistakenly getting a girl pregnant when the girl didn't want it. She surely had never imagined him deliberately making it happen. She would probably be devastated that her son had grown up to be such a contemptible man. She would probably be hurt and crying.

He gritted his teeth as a shot of pain stabbed his chest. Now, he was the kind of man who hurt his girlfriend and made his mother cry. How could he? He wanted to punch himself senseless, then spit on the broken body. If this were someone else, he would cut him off his life, wanting nothing with him anymore. Unfortunately, he couldn't do that with himself. There was no way for him to escape this body, this mind, everything that consisted of him, all of which felt filthy.

Hearing quiet footsteps, he reluctantly looked up. Cagalli was looking at him worriedly, a glass of water and a bottle of sparkling water in her hands.

"Which do you like?" she quietly asked, closely examining him.

Suppressing the urge to hide his face, he reached for the glass. "I'll have this. Thank you." He discreetly avoided touching her hand holding the glass as he took it.

She silently waited while he emptied the glass. "Do you think you have a fever? I didn't know where I could find a thermometer. If you just tell me, I'll fetch it."

He slowly shook his head. "I don't think I need it."

She regarded him for a moment before nodding. "Okay then. If you are feeling good enough to move, you should change into something more comfortable," she said, collecting the glass from his hand. "I'm going to call Kira I'll stay." She paused, then amended, "Actually, I'm going to text. I don't want to interrupt their...you know."

"You'll stay for the night?" he asked with surprise.

"I wouldn't leave you alone like this," she firmly said. "You still don't look good."

He hesitated. A large part of him didn't want her to stay around, scared that she was going to find out, and scared of what he might do to her. But it seemed quite difficult to convince her to leave.

"What about school? You have to go home to change your clothes and get your stuff before school tomorrow morning. You'll probably be late."

He tried to recall what time the first bus from here to the school was. There probably wouldn't be enough time for her to go from his house to hers and then come back to school before school began.

She wrinkled her forehead in a thoughtful frown, and after a little, her face lit up. "I'll tell Kira to come to school early and bring my uniform and books, then I can change in a restroom at the mall or somewhere around there." She scanned his room. "You don't mind if I borrow your pajamas, yeah?"

After a moment, he released a resigned sigh and motioned toward his closet. "They are in there. The bottom drawer." He didn't have the energy to argue with her.

Watching her putting the glass and the bottle on his desk and going through his nightclothes, he had to admit that a part of him was glad she was staying. He was longing for her, for her comfort, even when he was afraid of just touching her. He wasn't sure what it made him, selfish or pathetic.

She pulled out a pair of pajamas and he started to stand up. "You can sleep in the guest room, but we need to change the sheets."

"What are you doing?" She hurried back to his side to force him to sit back. His body tensed at the touch, but she didn't seem to notice it. "You have to rest."

"But—"

"I can change the sheets on my own," she cut off in a reprimanding tone. "I can take care of myself, so stop worrying yourself."

They had a brief staring contest, then he let out another sigh. "The sheets are in the wardrobe in the room." He pulled his eyebrows. "But then, the sheets may not be clean enough."

He usually didn't bother with the guest room and the last time the sheets in the room, both the ones on the bed and the ones in the wardrobe, got washed was when his grandparents had come, which was more than half a year ago.

She gave him a chiding look. "Just. Stop. Worrying. Okay? I'll go check the guest room. You put on your pajamas."

He obliged. He also collected the half-ripped package of condom and the tube of lubricant from the bed to stash them deep in a drawer of his desk, trying not to look at them for long since he didn't want to think about sex right now.

Then he waited for her return, staring at the doorway with an impatient face. He wasn't exactly used to giving someone control, much less in his own house. The situation also felt ironic. He had wished many times that she could sleep over, that they could spend a night together. He had not imagined his wish would come true like this. Nor had he ever imagined that he would feel no excitement or happiness when it did. It shouldn't have happened like this. It felt like everything was twisted, wrong.

A few more minutes passed, and she came back to report, "I think the sheets on the bed are fine." He opened his mouth with a frown. "But I'll wash them," she continued with a silencing look. "So you have nothing to worry about. Is there anything you want, like food or more drink? If not, you better try to get some sleep. Oh, any request for dinner? You may not be hungry right now, but you can probably eat after a nap."

"Just...something not too hot," he replied, sliding into under the covers.

He wasn't sleepy, but taking a nap was a good excuse to reduce his exchanges with her so that he could protect her from the harm he might inflict on her. Spending a long time with her alone in a house, especially when no one was going to interrupt them, wasn't safe, given his condition.

"Of course I won't make something too hot," she said, looking a little offended. "I know it's not good for sick people."

She still came to his bedside to stroke his hair. "There, there. Sleep well."

Keeping his body still, he closed his eyes and whispered, "I'm really sorry...I almost feel like I want to die." The words slipped before he stopped them, which wasn't usual for him, but not so unusual when with her.

She lightly flicked his forehead. "Stop apologizing. And don't say such a stupid thing. I told you, it's all right. Just go to sleep. Then you'll feel better."

He doubted it, but kept his mouth shut and tried to make his breathing even. After a minute, her hand tentatively slipped under his front hair to press against his forehead, probably making sure he really wasn't feverish. With a small sigh of relief, the hand left his head and he sensed her tiptoeing away. A half of him wanted to reach for her, begging her to stay. Another half wanted her to leave as fast as possible, go as far away as she could.

The door quietly closed and he let out a long sigh.


A/N: The scene in this chapter is one of the M-rated scenes in this fic. I hope it wasn't too much.

And now we officially entered the angsty phase. Expect more and more angst to come.

Thank you for reading. See you next week!

···

Below is a reply to the review.

To Fuyu Aki:

Thank you for another review!

I love long stories, too, though I also like short stories. Long stories allow us to immerse ourselves in its world for longer. Though as a writer, it makes me worry about whether my fic is worth the length since a bad long story is more aggravating than a bad short story. This fic is already becoming my longest fic and we barely started getting to the main point a.k.a the angsty phase.

Well, I hope you (and other readers) will find this fic worth reading after finishing it.

I never heard about Athrun being a project. But then, I'm a rather recent fan, though it's already been nearly eight years. And I'm not very eager to collect the information from outside sources. I more or less take only what I happen to come across.

I'm glad you like the Athrun in this fic so far, his being a rather ordinary human being. I just hope you will keep liking him. He has to face his...imperfection in this fic, and it can get a bit ugly.

And about their college life...it seems too spoilery to talk about it. All I can say is that they are both going to college :P


*posted 02/16/19*

*revised 02/24/19*