Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to me."
Nintendo's lawyers lurked up behind the disclaimer and cleared their throats loudly.
Disclaimer: O.O;; "I mean Nintendo! It all belongs to Nintendo! I don't own a thing!"
WE INTERUPT THIS FAN FICTION FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
We see the entire cast of Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time in a big group with the main characters out in front.
"HAPPY NEW YEARS!!" announces the cast as they all swig shots of whiskey, then all double over and start coughing and spluttering.
"Hey…..aren't some of you underage?" the Author asks suspiciously.
"Don't worry, we didn't all drink." Link reassures her.
"Oh, ok."
Saria chuckles under her breath, "Heh heh heh… Sucker…"
'Whack!'
"Ahem."
"Yeah yeah, we know it's your laugh." Saria rolls her eyes, then watches as Ganon puts windmill guy back down. "You really miss your swordfish, don't you?"
Ganon sighs. "Yeah. It's just not the same without a swordfish to smack people with."
"What's whiskey like, anyway?" asks Link, who, being the goody two-shoes he is, did not drink.
"It's exactly like drinking a shot of nail polish remover while being kicked in the chest by a horse." (That's an exact quote from my older sister) Ganon replies.
"How do you know what nail polish remover tastes like?" Zelda turns to him questioningly.
Ganon sneers. "From the smell, fool."
The author turns to the readers with a cheesy smile. "This New Years announcement was brought to you by: Jack Daniels! When you feel like being kicked in the chest by a horse, save yourself the trouble of healing those broken ribs and grab a shot of Jack Daniels instead! Note: RebelX does not own and is not actually sponsored by Jack Daniels. Please don't sue."
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED FANFICTION
Author's note: "I would just like to point out that I wrote this directly after finishing a semester of speech class, so there's a lot of mentions of parliamentary procedure and confusing junk like that. Just FYI."
Chapter 7: Gasp! Plot Development!
Today's chapter begins in the sacred forest meadow, where the sages are just beginning their meeting. Saria stands up from her tree stump with a clipboard and pencil at the ready.
"Roll call! Darunia?" she calls.
"Here!"
"Nabooru?"
"I'm here"
"Impa?"
"Present"
"Rauru?"
"Yo-ho!"
Everyone stopped whatever they were doing (nothing, actually) and stared at Rauru.
Rauru looked around at them all. "What?"
"Yo-ho?" Link asked.
Darunia, who was dancing like a maniac thanks to Saria's song, gasped and cried: "What weighs five ounces, lives in a tree, and is very dangerous?"
"A sparrow with a machine gun!" Rauru roared in response.
"Yes!" Darunia paused from dancing and gave Rauru a high five.
Link looked back from one to the other in confusion. "Er…"
"It's one of the Riddler's riddles in the old 60's batman movie, in which all the main villains answer each other with 'yo-ho' instead of 'yes'. We can only presume that RebelX has been watching it again." Impa explained.
"Can we get this meeting started or what?" Saria snapped with all the impatience of youth.
"I believe that with Zelda gone, we are in need of a new chairman" Impa suggested.
"Who was your chairman before you knew Zelda was a sage?" Link asked.
"Sheik."
"Oh….."
Darunia, who was still dancing like a maniac, had a sudden idea. "I nominate Saria!"
"But I'm the treasurer!" she protested.
"Do we really need a treasurer?" Nab pointed out.
"Oh, fine. I'll be chairman." She said, then cleared her throat and announced loudly, "This meeting of the Royal Order of Sage peoples will now come to order. Will the secretary please read the minutes of the last meeting?"
Nab stood and cleared her throat. "Last meeting, we discussed the importance of nacho cheese. We passed the move that Darunia be made to wear a ballet skirt whenever he dances during our meetings. We also decided to oust the evil king Ganondorf from the throne and opted to have Zelda give Link the light arrow in the temple of time as soon as he finished freeing the sage of shadow."
"Uh…..when was the last time you guys had a meeting?" Link asked.
"Obviously before you defeated the shadow temple. Alright, does anyone have any corrections and or additions to the minutes?" Saria said.
Darunia broke off from his dancing to declare, "You forgot to mention the chocolate pudding vs. Martian tapioca discussion!
Link raised an eyebrow.
"Do we really need that?" Rauru queried.
"No. The minutes stand as read. Will the special committee now report?"
"We dissolved that. They already imprisoned Ganondorf." Said Nab.
"But he's free again now." Rauru said with a pointed glare in Link's direction, "Perhaps we should reinstate it."
"I'm standing right here, you know." Ganon pointed out.
"Question, why ARE we here?" asked Mido.
"Because the midget ran off before it could lead us to Zelda's meeting." answered Skullkid.
"Oh yeah."
Saria pounded the deku gavel with a command of "Order!"
"I'll have the deku chicken nuggets and a small fry!" said Skullkid.
"One large pizza with everything!" said Mido.
"Anything to drink?" Saria asked.
"Coke!" they answered simultaneously.
"You got that, Nabooru?"
Nab scribbled hastily in her notebook. "What did the midget want?"
Mido scowled.
"Which one?" asked Saria.
Now both Mido and Skullkid scowled.
"Aren't we supposed to have refreshments AFTER the meeting?" said Impa.
"Oh, right! Uh, standing committee! Report!"
Nab stood up again. "As it stands now, Link has been trapped inside a gerudo body, Zelda has gone completely berserk, and Ganon is making faces at me."
"I am NOT!"
"You are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"D2?" asked C3PO hopefully.
"Order!" Saria commanded.
"We already did!" shouted Mido and Skullkid.
Ganon rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead. No wonder it took these freaks seven years to get him off the throne!
"Any old business?"
"What about Ganondorf?" Rauru asked, ignoring Ganon's immediately ensuing glare in his direction.
"Sorry, that's new business. Any more old business? Anything at-"
"Get on with it!" screamed a random hoard of Vikings.
"New business?"
"Now about Ganondorf!" Rauru snapped.
"Too late, that's old business already."
"What is this, the Marx brothers?" Rauru had barely finished his question when Harpo Marx ran by honking a horn. "…I'll pretend I didn't see that." He said.
"Any more new business?"
"What about me?" asked Link.
"Well, what about you?"
"I'm trapped in a gerudo's body!"
"Well that's very interesting, but I don't see how-"
"One moment, chairman." Impa broke in. she leaned over and whispered something in Link's ear.
"Er…..ok, I move that we form a committee to investigate my being stuck in a gerudo's body." Link rephrased.
"I second the motion!" Impa said.
"Wait, is Link even a member?" Darunia asked.
"Do we really give a damn?" Saria pointed out.
"Good point."
"The topic has been moved and seconded. It is now open for debate."
"What would this committee do exactly? Dissect you or something?" Rauru asked.
"No! Of course not!" Link immediately protested. "They'd figure out how transformation masks work and how their magic can be undone."
"Who'd be on this committee?" Darunia asked.
"I don't know. Any volunteers?"
"I'll do it!" piped up Skullkid as he jumped out of his chair in a priceless exhibition of his over eagerness.
"Anyone else?"
Skullkid scowled and plopped back in his chair dejectedly.
"Dude, cheer up! They just need someone else to volunteer because there has to be more than one person on a committee." Mido said with an encouraging elbow to the ribs. Unfortunately he hit Skullkid a little too hard and accidentally knocked him off his stump. "Oops…heh heh, sorry."
"S'okay." Skullkid wheezed as he climbed back up on the makeshift chair. "Thanks for reminding me. My parliamentary procedure is a little rusty."
"What I want to know is how you learned parliamentary procedure in the first place." Ganon said.
"Aren't we getting off topic?" Impa scolded.
"I'm still waiting for more volunteers for this committee." Link replied.
'Crickets chirping'
Link scowled.
"Oh, what the hell. I'll do it." Nab reluctantly volunteered.
"Thank you, Nabooru" Link smiled gratefully.
"Well, I wouldn't want you spoiling the good gerudo name anyways."
That wiped the smile off his face.
Darunia cocked an eyebrow at her. "'Good'?"
"…..Shaddup"
"That's all the discussion we need, right?" Rauru said, anxious to move on.
"I call the question." Said Darunia.
Link blinked. "What the heck does that mean?"
"That means we're going to vote on it now." Impa whispered.
"Oh! Does it need to be seconded?"
"Yes."
"Then I second!"
"Very well, the question will now be voted on. If it passes, then we will form a committee to investigate Link's being trapped in a gerudo body."
"All in favor?" Nab called.
"Yay!" hailed a chorus of voices.
"1,2,3,4,5,6." She counted, scribbling a note in her notebook. "All oppose?"
"Nay!" said Mido.
"Er…..1. The motion passes!"
Mido turned to Ganon. "Hey, why did you vote yay?" he asked. "I thought you hated Link."
"Well I do. But I voted yay for basically the same reason Nabooru wanted to join the committee in the first place."
Link scowled darkly. You could see a vein ticking in his/her forehead.
"Alright, we're forming a committee. Er…anyone remember the parliamentary procedure on that?"
"Nope." said the rest of the sages.
"Don't look at me. I have no idea what you're talking about." Link said.
Saria sighed. "Well, in the discussion we decided that Nabooru and Skullkid would do it, so I guess you guys are it. Ok, any more new business?"
I move that we do something about the scarecrows invading Lake Hylia.
"Huh? The narrator can't make motions!" Saria protested.
I know, but I haven't said anything the entire chapter. Well, I mean in the script version I didn't say anything for the whole chapter. Until now. So I guess this joke is kind of moot.
"Which begs the question: why did the author leave it in?" Ganon asked. He knows he's RebelX's favorite, so he does daring things like that.
"Because I'm lazy! Deal with it!" The author snapped.
Saria rolled her eyes.
"Wait, what was that about the scarecrows?" Skullkid asked.
They're invading Lake Hylia.
"Really?"
"Well we wouldn't know anything about it, since the representative for that area is dead now." Rauru said with a glower.
Link whistled innocently while the sages all glared in his direction.
"I move that we form a committee to investigate the situation!" Darunia announced.
"I second!" Link piped up. He liked seconding things, it made him feel important.
"The question has been moved and seconded. It is now open for discussion."
"Are the people who move to form a committee allowed to join their committee?" Darunia asked.
"I don't know. We never went over committees much when we were learning." Said Rauru.
"Who taught all you guys parliamentary procedure, anyway?" Ganon asked, since his question hadn't really been answered the first time.
"Zelda." All the sages said instantly.
"I see….."
"Stay on topic, people." Reprimanded Impa.
"Well, I guess we'll just form this committee the way we did the last one."
"You mean with people volunteering to join it during the discussion?"
"Exactly."
"Alright. So who would be on this committee and what would it do?" asked Rauru.
"Well I'd be on it, for one, and obviously it would go see what's up in Lake Hylia and Zora's domain." Said Darunia.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Link.
"What do you mean?" Darunia puzzled.
"Darunia, you're a goron. Gorons can not swim." Impa reminded him.
"Ooh, right….."
"Besides, what if the committee discovered that scarecrows were indeed invading Lake Hylia? Would they fight the scarecrows, or what?" Link asked. S/he was still a little angry about his/her current predicament, and felt like beating the sh-t out of something.
"I'd think they'd do some spying and figure out the scarecrow's motives and/or plans." Impa said, quickly deflating Link's daydreams of beating scarecrows.
"I agree."
"And if their discoveries revealed a threat to Zora's domain and or the rest of Hyrule, then would they go fight the scarecrows?" Link continued hopefully. He really wanted to beat up some scarecrows.
"Well obviously they'd gauge the threat, warn the party(s) involved, and figure out what else can be done about it." Impa said sagely. A natural thing, considering she's a sage and all. Ha ha, get it? Get it? …I'll shut up now.
"Once they've done all that, then can they go fight the scarecrows?" Link pressed on. Heavens knows why he wanted to beat up those scarecrows so badly. Maybe they traumatized him as a kid or something.
"If the situation suggests it's suitable…"
Link didn't even let Impa finish before blurting out "Ok! I'm on the committee then. Since I kind of didn't join my own committee, and all."
"I, too, will join." Rauru said.
"Anyone else?" Saria asked.
'silence'
"Very well, then I call the question." Said Impa.
Mido handed her a phone.
"Very funny, Mido." Impa said.
"Bah, we were being far too serious."
"Yes, Goddesses forbid THAT continue." Ganon said with so much sarcasm that Nab almost had to get out the bucket again.
"Hey, how come you guys don't contribute much in the actual discussion?" Link asked. He liked contributing to this sage meeting stuff. It helped wave away his feeling of being a mindless puppet.
"Eh, we're really just here for comic relief. Do you want us to contribute more?" Skullkid asked.
"If you don't, this won't be a very humorous fic." Link pointed out.
"Helloooo, is anybody going to second?" Impa interrupted.
"No, no, you have to hold it like this." Mido said as he showed her how to hold the phone correctly. "There, NOW try talking."
Impa made a face at him. Then her eyes suddenly went wide as she turned slowly and looked at the phone. Everyone else present stared at Impa as she stared at the phone, wondering what was going on. Naturally, they could not hear the rather fishy voice on the other end.
"What is it, Impa?" asked Mido.
Impa put the phone back to her ear and said "Who is this?"
Impa's eyes widened as she listened, dumbfounding the others.
"Wait, does that phone actually work?" Link asked.
"Hang on, isn't this video game set in the middle ages? We shouldn't even have telephones!" Ganon, ever the voice of reason (snicker), pointed out.
"You know, I don't remember whether that phone still works or not."
Impa then set the phone on speaker phone and said "Could you repeat that, please?"
"It is I, bzztRuto!"
There was a series of loud thumps as the jaws of everyone present hit the floor.
Link, who recovered first, cried out "Impossible! You're dead! I killed you!"
The sages all glared at him.
"Accidentally!" he added.
"Fool! That was my sister, the wicked fish of the east! I am the wicked fish of the west. And I called to tell you, you'll never defeat my army of dancing scarecrows! Lake Hylia- nay, ALL of Hyrule- Will be MINE!! YEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEHEH! (need I explain whose laugh that is an interpretation of? .- )"
'Wicked witch's theme from the Wizard of Oz plays'
There was a soft 'click' from the phone, followed by a dial tone.
Impa hung up the phone. "New motion; I move that we go kick Ruto's ass!"
Everyone else then simultaneously shouted "Second!"
The Author, however, was too caught up with the witch's theme to notice that the chapter was over.
"Ganondorf, if you'd do the honors." Link offered.
"Heh heh heh….."
'Whack!'
"OW! What the- …..let me guess, Saria?"
Ganon simply grinned evilly as he sheathed his new deku swordfish.
A/N: "Well, Happy New year everybody!" the author paused and activated her trademark puppy dog eyes, "Pweeze review!"
"Will you stop that?!" Link snapped.
"Stop what?" she asked innocently, turning the deadly puppy dog eyes on him.
Link got all starry eyed as he began muttering "So…..cute…..must…..review….."
The author grinned evilly as she turned back to the readers, "Anyway, you may have noticed the happy new years thing at the beginning of the chapter. Well I should have you know that I wrote that in when I wrote this in script format, meaning it's been exactly a year since I last posted this chapter. Holy cr-p, huh? Just goes to show how slow I am between updates. This realization, coupled with Christmas break, is what inspired me to update like mad the past few days (I did at least three chapters since Monday. Three!! And that's not counting chapter 5!). Will this trend continue? Your reviews may or may not decide… (Reading reviews gets me all hyped up to work on this story, just so you know. Wink wink, nudge nudge, puppy dog eyes) Happy New Years everyone!
