"What were you doing?" Thorin barked at Bilbo. The hobbit's pride at his accomplishments in the caves instantly evaporated. "You nearly got yourself killed." Thorin stepped forward threateningly, glare intensifying. Bilbo didn't like the hard look on his face.
The dwarf lowered his voice, which only made things worse. "Did I not say that you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the wild? That you had no place amongst us?"
Every word cut into Bilbo, but he could only stare back in pain. So this was it. Bilbo's best would never be enough.
But Thorin's face changed, softening into something unrecognizable. He whispered hoarsely, "I have never been so wrong in all my life."
Bilbo blinked, trying to handle the emotional whiplash, and at first barely noticed when Thorin's arms wrapped around him gently. The dwarves cheering in the background, he hesitantly hugged back. Then it hit him, that he almost watched Thorin die, and his grasp tightened.
"Tell me," Thorin murmured, reluctantly letting go of Bilbo to meet his eyes. "Tell me you didn't, you weren't…" Bilbo didn't notice silence falling as Thorin forced out the words. "Tell me you weren't trying to die."
Bilbo gaped. "I – what?" He glanced at the Company and panicked when he realized he still had everyone's attention. "No more than you were," he tried to make light of the situation. "What were you thinking, anyway – "
He shushed when Thorin's hand cupped the back of his neck. "I was foolish," the dwarf admitted. "But you don't even know how to use a sword, and you just – " he broke off, resorting to glaring again. "You cannot sacrifice yourself like that. I will not let you."
"I don't understand what you – "
"You know exactly what I mean," Thorin interrupted quietly. "You are worth more than you seem to believe, Master Baggins. I am sorry I doubted you and drove you to… what you were about to do – "
"Uncle," Kili jumped into what really shouldn't be a public conversation, "what are you talking about?"
Thorin started, turning to see his Company looking from him to Bilbo in curiosity and no small amount of trepidation. He breathed out a Khuzdul swear and looked back, almost frightened, to Bilbo.
Bofur broke the tense silence. "What's going on, lad? Did he do something to you?" the hatted dwarf growled, eyeing Thorin. Bombur grabbed his arm as Bofur started to step forward.
"No," Bilbo said hurriedly, waving his hands, "no, it's fine, nothing happened."
The Company muttered amongst themselves, not convinced. Fili started inching his way closer to the two (though he wasn't sure whom he planned to protect).
Thorin mumbled in a not-very-kingly manner, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to – "
"It's okay," Bilbo cut him off. "Look, everyone, I'm fine, it's all fine."
"Then what's he talking about, driving you to – something?" It was Gloin, surprisingly, who spoke up next. Though maybe not so surprising, as he tended to assume the role of papa bear when necessary.
"Uncle?" Kili asked quietly, his young face uncertain.
Thorin couldn't meet his nephew's eyes – the king had already slipped up by mentioning the incident, but he knew he had no right to explain to the others.
But Bilbo couldn't bear to see anyone's opinion of Thorin lowered because of this. He spoke without thinking: "I will tell you." He paused a moment, breathing through the weight of that decision. "I will explain. But, not right now. Shouldn't we be finding shelter, food, tending to our injuries?"
Gandalf, who'd been helpfully silent through this uncomfortable exchange, finally deigned to participate. "He's right, of course. I know of someone near here who may give us shelter for the night. We can make it by evening."
Bilbo jumped at the chance to escape the oppressive atmosphere. Clapping his hands together, he took a few steps away from Thorin. "Alright, then, let's be off, shall we?"
A few grumbles and many narrowed gazes later, the Company began to head down from the rock. Bilbo hurried after Oin, knowing he was one dwarf who wouldn't ask him any questions.
He missed Thorin watching him go.
Bilbo could barely put one foot in front of the other. If he'd been able to string thoughts together, he'd have figured the adrenaline had drained out and left him exhausted. And he'd have been partly right: his muscles ached with a bonedeep fierceness, and a few shallow cuts stung when he moved.
Worse, however, was his mental state.
Any remnants of confidence or determination had fled. Bilbo couldn't remember what it'd felt like to be proud of himself, the warmth seeming like a dream quickly fading from memory. Instead, he blearily trod onwards through a dense fog of nothingness. He didn't feel cold or hungry at all – just tired. So very tired.
Bofur walked next to Bilbo, watching him worriedly. The hobbit's usually expressive face was completely blank. Though his eyes were fixed on the ground, he didn't seem to be paying attention to where he was going. A few times Bofur had to gently take Bilbo by the arm, steering him around a boulder or a hole. But though Bilbo never resisted, he was starting to slow down, his steps drifting to a shuffle.
Finally Bofur halted, taking Bilbo by a shoulder to stop him too. The dwarf waited for a sign of awareness, but Bilbo just stood staring at the ground.
"Dori," Bofur called.
Kili stepped forward and sank to his haunches before Bilbo. "Mr. Boggins?" he tried, making his tone lighthearted with some effort. "Bilbo?"
Fili put a hand on his brother's shoulder, solemnly examining their burglar. "Kili," he started, then didn't know what to say.
Thorin hurried back, unable to keep his distance any longer. "What's going on?" he demanded, eyes on Bilbo. "Bilbo? Can you walk? I can – "
"You can go back to the front of the line," Bofur snapped. He matched Thorin's glare with one of his own. "We're taking care of him."
Dori pushed through the small group now huddled around the hobbit. He took in the scene and immediately scooped Bilbo up in his arms. "Barely weighs a thing," he said. "We'll get you somewhere nice and warm soon, Mr. Baggins, where we can feed you up a bit."
Bilbo just closed his eyes and let the world drift away.
He woke to warmth. Opening his eyes, he blinked a few times in the bright light of the fire. A giant chair stood to one side of the fireplace. A house? he wondered, not sure how he'd gotten there. He sat up in his straw bed, looking around to find the Company scattered around the huge room, swinging their feet from tall benches or dozing off in a corner.
"Bilbo!"
Bofur scrambled up from his bench, and the entire Company came to full alert. Heads turned in his direction and Bilbo was once again uncomfortably in the spotlight.
"How are you feeling?" Bofur asked, plopping down by Bilbo.
"Um, fine," Bilbo answered, breaking off into a yawn. "Bit sore. When did we get here?"
"Last night," Bofur said. His eyes searched Bilbo's face. "You slept all day."
Bilbo frowned, glancing over to count the rest of the Company. All accounted for, and all watching him carefully. "Then, how did we get here? Only I don't…" he trailed off.
"You…" Bofur hesitated. "You sort of went away for a bit, there."
Before Bilbo could try and formulate a response, Kili knelt on his other side and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm glad you're back, Mr. Boggins," he said, voice muffled.
Bilbo patted his back. "It's alright, Kili," he soothed automatically, hiding his own worry and confusion.
"Promise you won't go away again?"
Bilbo didn't know what to say to that either. He looked over Kili's shoulder at the rest of the dwarves, a little overwhelmed, but they all seemed to be waiting for an answer.
Thankfully, Thorin stepped in, once again his savior from awkward attention. "Give him some space," he commanded the room at large. "He only just woke up." The dwarves grumbled, as they are wont to do, but made a show of turning back to their own business. Even if they did keep glancing back at Bilbo now and again, just to check.
Bilbo caught Thorin's eye and nodded his thanks. Thorin slowly inclined his head back, making the motion seem more like a bow. Bilbo looked away first.
Kili released Bilbo as Fili approached with a bowl. "You should eat," Fili said with an easy smile. "I don't think hobbits can go a whole day without food."
"I wouldn't want to, that's for certain," Bilbo smiled back, accepting the bowl of soup.
Kili bounced up. "I'll get you some bread."
"And I'll get you something to drink," Fili added, the two of them scurrying off.
Bilbo watched them go, bemused, before turning his attention to his food.
"They worried," Bofur explained. "We all did."
"No need for that," Bilbo said uncomfortably. "I'm – "
"Don't you say you're fine," Bofur cut in with a fierceness that startled Bilbo. "You're not," he added more gently. "And we want to help, if you'll let us."
Bilbo stared into his bowl. "I don't know how you can help," he admitted.
Bofur patted his knee. "You start by telling us what's wrong," he said, "and we can work something out from there." He settled back into the straw with an exaggerated sigh. "But right now you eat. Can't have our hobbit running on an empty stomach." He winked at Bilbo.
Bilbo smiled back a little absentmindedly, mulling over Bofur's words. He didn't like the idea of sharing his secret with anyone, let alone an entire party of dwarves – tough warriors who had survived much worse than Bilbo. But then again…
Bilbo looked around the room at the Company. His Company. He smiled to see Dori fussing over Ori's hair, and Balin rolling his eyes while Dwalin and Nori engaged in a glaring contest. Fili and Kili jostled each other as they headed back to Bilbo's corner, and Thorin pretended he wasn't watching Bilbo out of the corner of his eye.
Maybe Bilbo wasn't putting his burden onto this new family – no, they were asking to share the load. Maybe this really would work out. Maybe things would be okay.
