Chapter 7:

Slice with kunai-

Got the sleeve. Faster than expected, but no Lee. No Sakura for that matter. Might as well be going in slow motion with the Sharingan activated. Should be easy.

Parry the blade.

Where did that come from? Unimportant. Looks like kitchen knife. Pathetic.

Feint with elbow.

Duck the swipe.

Kick to the knee.

Butterflies!

Kawarimi with a stick, throw shuriken.

More butterflies, coming closer.

Punch to where the body is forming-

A hit!

She's down.

Up again. Good recovery time. Impressive for a civilian.

Not impressive enough.

Time to finish this.

Dodge the next slice with the-

What?

Neeeeigh!

Bam!

Black.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

The assembled ninja stared at the tableau. The Uchiha Genius was sprawled on the ground, out cold, a large bruise already appearing on his brow.

"Oh dear," commented Alice, hefting her weapon on one shoulder. "I do hope I didn't hit him too hard. Do you think I knocked some sense into him? Then again, I did knock him senseless, so perhaps I knocked out what little sense he had. Then again, no one with any sense would attack an unknown opponent with such brashness, so perhaps I knocked his sense into the minuses. So the question is, is sense an absolute value? If so, then his character should be improved. If not, well, I suppose I could always repeat this experiment. I shall have to observe, and form a hypothesis."

"... I have no idea what she just said," Kiba stated, "but that was completely AWESOME!"

Akamaru yipped in agreement, and that seemed to be the signal to break the silence, as everyone began speaking at once.

"Alice-chan you rock!"

"Most impressive. But how-?"

"-where did she get that thing from? I mean-"

"-poor Sasuke-kun!"

Kakashi held up his hand for silence, and gestured for Sakura to check Sasuke over. After all, he had just been discharged from the hospital. And he was still dealing with that nasty seal that Orochimaru had put on him. And Alice had insulted his parents. Kakashi whistled soundlessly to himself. Maybe he should have held Sasuke back after all. Clearly he was in a bad way mentally and physically if a total stranger could enrage him to that degree and then take him out in a few seconds with what had looked to be really rather crude, albeit graceful moves from an obviously experienced but practically untrained woman.

Especially one who thought that chakra was magic! Wielding a...

Kakashi stared.

"Alice-san..." Kakashi paused.

Alice cocked her head towards him, her weapon still slung across her shoulder.

"Yes Kakashi?"

"I think I speak for all of us when I ask..." stay calm, stay calm, unknown quantity here, "what in the name of the shinigami is that?"

Alice blinked innocently at him. "Oh this?" She hefted the five-foot long pole topped with a wooden horse head, and spun the wheels that were at the bottom. "This is just my level 1 hobby horse. Didn't think he'd been quite rude enough for the Knightmare."

"Uh, f-forgive me for a-asking this Alice-san," Hinata spoke up for the first time. "B-but I thought hobby horses were children's t-toys?"

Alice regarded Hinata with an even gaze. "It depends on the child. After all, a branch is just a bit of tree until a man's head has been caved in by it."

To Alice's surprise, rather than seeming more intimidated, the white-eyed girl (who despite having what looked like cataracts seemed to be sighted, something that Alice found mildly intriguing) looked thoughtful.

"D-do you often use unconventional weapons Alice-san?" Alice noted that the stutter seemed to be diminishing. She had known a few people with speech impediments back at the Asylum. Usually it was the least of their problems, but she had always been interested to watch Laurie Jameson's stutter get ten times worse around particular wardens. She wondered who Hinata's warden was.

Alice shrugged in response to her question. "They all make logical sense to me," she said, not elaborating. The shinobi did not press her for details, respecting a fellow fighter's desire to keep a few surprises in store.

The thoughtful expression did not fade from Hinata's face, which Alice found to be unusual. It wasn't often she met people who took her seriously. Then again, even with her madness acknowledged, most of the ninja here seemed to be relatively unperturbed by it, taking her at her word. It was an unusual experience, but she could grow to like it.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

Several hours later found Alice sitting quietly in a chair by the window, sipping green tea with jasmine as she watched the sun go down. Sasuke was apparently back in the hospital with a concussion. Alice thought she would send him some flowers with an apology card. She hadn't meant to hit him that hard, but he had irritated her. On the other hand, going by most of the reactions of Sasuke's fellow students and his instructor, it seemed that he had had it coming. She thought it was a shame. He was quite a handsome boy, but his manners left much to be desired. Sakura's behaviour seemed frankly bizarre to Alice. If the girls back home had acted like that, they would have been labelled hoydens and hussies. But then perhaps it was different with these ninja.

Alice's stomach rumbled, and she supposed she should try to prepare something to eat. She was unsure of how to properly go about this though. She had, after all, been considered mad for the better part of ten years. People were generally wary of letting mad people near stoves. She could make tea just fine, because her mother had showed her how, but even back in London she had only the haziest of ideas when it came to how to cook food. She could do porridge, toast and she thought she might remember how to make scones from scratch, but anything more complicated was quite beyond her current abilities. She resolved to purchase a cookbook tomorrow. Yes, that might help. Then she would ask someone to show her how to use her electric stove. Somehow, that had been missed in the previous tour. Actually, come to think of it, there was someone she could ask right now. She could hear him thumping around upstairs.

Mind made up, she trudged up the stairs and knocked on the door. Once again there was a slight hesitation, but this time Naruto opened the door much quicker than last time.

"What is it Alice?" he asked her. "I was just making some ramen, oh hey! You don't know what ramen is! You have to try some! Come in! I only have instant, but after I get my paycheck tomorrow I could take you out to Ichiraku's they do the best ramen ever!"

Alice blinked, and followed Naruto inside. His apartment was what her mother would have euphemistically termed "typical for a bachelor", in that there were scattered scrolls, empty ramen cups and dirty cutlery all over the place, all covered in a thin layer of dust. There were slight cracks in the walls, and some shabby posters advertising this "Ramen" substance were stuck haphazardly to them.

Despite the layer of grime and the slight disrepair, Alice could not help but find it somewhat cosy. She supposed it must be the orange.

She said as much out loud, and was amused to see Naruto get even more excited.

"You like orange too? No-one I know likes orange! Well, except maybe Lee and Gai, but they only wear orange leg-warmers, and they think that green is better, so they don't count. But you like orange?"

Alice shrugged. "I like bright colours. I've spent too much time in dull grey places."

Thankfully Naruto seemed to take this at face-value, as he quickly moved on to show Alice how this Instant Ramen worked.

"See, first you boil the kettle, then you rip open the top of the cup, then you pour the boiling water in, then you wait for it to cool some, then it's ready, and you can eat delicious delicious ramen! I used to think that the three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook was the worst thing ever, but it's still quicker than cooking fish over a camp-fire. I don't mind fish too much, but ramen is better. I like pork ramen and miso ramen the very best, but there are all kinds of awesome flavours..." Naruto babbled on, and Alice was content to let him do so. It saved her from having to come up with topics of conversation. She was appallingly bad at small-talk, so if Naruto wanted to fill the silence with his own nervous energy, she was perfectly happy to let him do so.

A few minutes later, and Naruto handed Alice a pair of long thin sticks and told her to dig into the shrimp-flavoured instant ramen. Alice stared at the sticks in some mild confusion. She thought she had heard of people from the East eating with such things, but she herself had never used any.

"Ittadakimasu!" Naruto proceeded to stuff ramen into his mouth, but Alice hesitated.

"I don't suppose you have a fork I could borrow? I'm afraid I don't know how to use these stick things," Alice said.

Naruto stared at her in surprise, noodles dropping from his open mouth back into the container. Alice politely pretended that she had not noticed. "Really? You can't use chopsticks? Why not? I don't have any forks, they only have them in some fancy restaurants."

Alice sighed. "Where I come from, we eat with metal cutlery. I'd also settle for a spoon."

Naruto nodded, stroking his chin in what he no doubt thought was a 'thoughtful' manner. "Well I can give you a spoon, but..." he paused. "Uh, would you like me to show you how to use the chopsticks?"

Alice considered, and then nodded. The idea of using two small sticks in lieu of civlised cutlery was intriguing.

Naruto grinned. "I'll show you how and you'll learn it in no time, or my name isn't Naruto Uzumaki dattebayo!"

A few demonstrations, and Naruto moulding Alice's fingers when she was not getting it quite right later, and Alice was able to pick up some of the noodles. She slurped them up, as she had seen Naruto doing, but was a little embarrassed when she found she had flicked soup everywhere. Still, at least she was getting food in her mouth. She considered the salty flavour, and decided that this ramen was not half bad. More interesting than porridge or dry toast, at any rate. More importantly, since Naruto had shown her how to make it, now she had something she could make until she figured out how to cook something more complicated. If only the food wasn't all so different here!

Having finished her container of ramen, and used the spoon Naruto had fetched her to drink the broth, Alice thanked him for letting her share his meal.

Naruto smiled sheepishly, and scratched the back of his head. "Uh, no problem Alice. After all, you already invited me over to your place- guess I'm just returning the favour in advance!"

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

Meanwhile, in another part of Konoha, a certain would-be avenger crouched in a dark corner, scowling to himself.

How in the hells could that, that woman have managed to get one over on him like that? She was pathetic. She telegraphed her moves, she was far slower than him, and from what he had heard, she did not even know what chakra was! Kakashi had spoken to him after he had regained consciousness, and had explained to him why precisely he had lost.

Sasuke had been fuming as he sat up in his hospital bed, waiting to be cleared by the med-nins. "How did she do it? How the fuck did she beat me? She's a genjutsu type! Genjutsu doesn't even work on the Sharingan! She must have cheated somehow!"

Kakashi, who had been leaning against the pale green wall, reading his lurid copy of Icha Icha, had just snorted. "Of course she cheated. Some people would say that you cheated just by having a blood-line limit. It is the way of the ninja to lie, cheat and do whatever we must to accomplish our goals. Were you paying any attention during Ibiki's exam at all?" He shook his head sadly. "I am very disappointed in you, Sasuke. I know she insulted your family, but that is a cheap tactic that any fool could have used. You should have been able to beat Alice easily. She might have a way with illusions, but with the Sharingan that point should be moot, and her taijutsu is not impressive by any stretch of the imagination. You failed because you lost your temper, but also because you underestimated her, and disregarded what she meant when she said she was unused to sparring."

Sasuke had scowled, crumpling the starched sheet beneath his hands. "What, you think she was lying?"

Kakashi shook his head. "No, I think she told the truth. Tell me Sasuke, what is a spar?"

Sasuke's scowl deepened. Kakashi was patronising him. He hated being patronised. "A fight between comrades," he answered curtly.

"And what do you do when you fight comrades that is different to fighting an enemy?" Kakashi asked him.

Sasuke followed the train of thought and then swore viciously.

"Exactly," Kakashi stated patiently. "You were fighting somene who is unused to holding back. She said it herself, and I don't think she was trying to insult you when she said that thing about not knowing how to pull her punches. I would go as far as to say that she is crazy enough that she might not even really understand about other people's limitations. You saw how easily she got up from that punch. If she was the normal civilian you accused her of being, that blow would have downed her. As it stands, by the sounds of it, she thought hitting you in the head with a heavy wooden club was holding back, because it wasn't one of her other, by the sounds of it, more advanced weapons."

Sasuke had stopped paying attention at the word 'crazy'. "She's crazy? What do you mean, she's crazy?"

Kakashi sighed in frustration. "Alice is unstable. I can't give you more details, but she has post-traumatic stress from what sounds like a combination of things from her childhood and her last mission. I have little doubt that were it not for how stretched thin Konoha is at the moment, Tsunade would not even contemplate allowing Alice onto active duty, in any capacity. As it is, I suspect that she is hard-pressed to think of something that Alice can do."

Sasuke snorted to himself. Stuff from her childhood? What in the hells could have happened to Alice that could possibly be comparable to his sick, twisted brother killing their entire clan, and then forcing him to relive the memories of it as a genjutsu? Twice! What could she know of having everyone and everything taken away by someone that you should be able to trust?

The med-nin had come in then, some simpering twit, who had fawned over him for being the Last Uchiha. She had quickly healed him of his concussion, and then told him he was free to go.

And so Sasuke now crouched in the dark, in the corner of the room where his parents had been murdered.

He needed to get stronger. Naruto was improving at an incredible rate, so quickly that Sasuke felt that he was standing still. Soon, the dobe might even catch up to him, and that was unthinkable. Sasuke was stagnating in this village. Kakashi was a washed-up has-been, and a pathetic excuse for a teacher. Even with private tutoring from him, even with knowing Kakashi's original jutsu, it had not been Sasuke who had taken out Gaara. No, it had been the stupid dobe.

And the Loser's luck had only been getting better. Sasuke had heard the gossip. Whilst he had been once again trapped in his brother's genjutsu (and oh how that defeat made his blood boil! Itachi had flicked his head like he was still a child, and once again called him unworthy. How dare he!) Naruto had been off with one of the Legendary Sannin! How the hell had an idiot like Naruto managed to earn the attention of not only Jiraiya, but also Tsunade? Who knew what sort of techniques the dobe might have managed to learn from them!

Sasuke was being left behind. He had been held back by people inferior to him, and Itachi had shown him precisely how pathetic Konoha's teachings were. This latest humiliation from this Alice woman was the last straw.

Kakashi had said it himself, "It is the way of the ninja to lie, cheat and do whatever we must to accomplish our goals." Sasuke thought himself above lying and cheating, but as for doing whatever he must to accomplish his goals...

Sasuke scratched at the seal upon his neck. Orochimaru had promised he would make him strong. It would mean betraying the village, but...

"It is the way of the ninja to... do whatever we must to accomplish our goals."

Four shadows appeared in front of him. The Oto note headband glinted in a shaft of moonlight.

Sasuke nodded grimly to himself. This was the right decision.

…...

Sasuke Retrieval Arc is a Go!

Strap in. It's going to be a bumpy ride.