"When's Dad back?"
Gillian turned to her son. "Soon remember? He'll be back real soon."
Lewis seemed to consider this. "When?" He clearly found her answer unsatisfactory.
"In five days," Gillian responded with a slight edge of exasperation. Lewis had been asking since day one, from the moment they got back in the car to head home again and Cal hadn't joined them. She had shown him on a map where Cal had flown to and she had shown him on a calendar when Cal would be back. She was crossing off the days so Lewis could see but his concept of time was apparently not quite as assured as Gillian's was. Not yet anyway.
"It's just," Lewis started. "Far away."
"Yeah I know," Gillian agreed. She left the sink where she was peeling potatoes. In her car seat on the kitchen table, Lily gave a gurgle. She waved her arms at Gillian as she walked by. Lewis was standing by the calendar on the wall, studying it. "Look," she crouched down to Lewis's level and pointed to the day Cal was due back that was outlined in a big red square. "Dad will be back this day and this is today," she moved her finger back several squares to where the black 'X's' were marking off the days gone by.
"But," Lewis stared. He looked over to his mother. "Where's he gone?"
Gillian reached for the atlas on the end of the table. At first, she had put it away, and then when he kept on asking she just left it out. She flipped through to a map of the continental United States. "We're here," she found the District of Columbia. "And Dad is over here," she used her left hand to point to Seattle.
Lewis stared for a moment. "Far away."
"Yes, very far away."
"We go see him," Lewis looked up at her.
"No," Gillian shook her head lightly. "We can't."
Lewis pouted.
"Because Dad's working remember? And Lily is too little to go visiting."
Lewis's pout turned into a lip quiver and his blue eyes suddenly filled up with tears. Gillian's heart broke into pieces. "I'm sorry," she added as she put her arms around her son's little body and sat back on the kitchen floor, pulling him against her body. Lewis let rip a wail and from her car seat, oblivious to the action, but clearly aware of the noise, Lily gave a squeal. Gillian rubbed her hand up and down Lewis's back. "I'm sorry sweetheart," she murmured to him.
"Dad's gone!" Lewis wailed.
"He's coming back," Gillian tried but unfortunately instilling hope in him just made him miss his father more. 'Coming back' clearly meant tomorrow, or now, or later in the evening to Lewis and that was where they were getting confused. Gillian sighed as Lewis continued to sob. She awkwardly pulled her phone from her pocket and sent a text to her husband. A few seconds later it started to ring. Lewis pulled away at the noise. His eyes were red and watery, his cheeks and nose had turned pink like his mother's did when she cried. Gillian held out the phone to him, "It's for you."
Lewis sniffed and spluttered while he stared.
"Want me to answer it?" Gillian asked him.
Lewis nodded and rested his head on her shoulder. "Hi," Gillian picked up the call.
"Hello darlin', what's up?"
"Can you talk?"
"For a minute."
"Lewis misses you very much."
"I miss him too," Cal gave a sigh.
"Can you talk to him for a second?"
"Of course."
"Here," Gillian put the phone against Lewis's ear. "It's for you." She could hear Cal's voice through the phone; the timbre of it was soothing even if she couldn't make out specific words. Lewis gave a hiccup and a shuddering breath, but the tears stopped and he blinked the last few away to fall against Gillian's chest where they soaked into the material straight away. Lewis's finger came up to feel the damp spots. Then he started nodding. Gillian could hear Cal's voice go quiet on the phone. She almost pulled the phone from her son's ear.
"Ok?" She heard Cal ask.
"Ok," Lewis responded.
"Good man. I love you."
"Luff ooooo," Lewis echoed. Cal said something else and Lewis reached up to push the phone back to his mother. "For you," he told her.
"Hello?" Cal queried.
"I'm here," Gillian responded.
"Poor little guy."
"Yeah," she agreed.
"And how are you holding up?"
Gillian sighed this time. "I miss you too."
"Do you need me to tell you you're a big girl now and you have to be a good girl for Mum?"
Gillian smiled slightly. "Can you blow kisses down the phone?"
"So long as you promise to blow right on back when I get home."
"Don't be rude," Gillian admonished, using Cal's definition of the word. She heard him chuckle lightly. Then he told her he had to go and she reluctantly agreed. He promised to call her later. He made kissy noises and told her he loved her and he would see her soon and then he was gone. Gillian looked over to Lewis, feeling a strange cold feeling in her chest. "Better?" She asked him, signing the word.
Lewis nodded.
"Good," she wiped the tears away from his cheeks and brushed his hair back from his forehead. He might be on the other side of the country, but at least Lewis could still talk to his father when he needed to. And that at least was something better than nothing.
PJ
"Mummy."
Gillian stirred, confused; when had she come home? She didn't remember. She was at home right? This was her bed.
"Mum," the voice was more insistent and a little hand was on her shoulder, pushing. She shifted to make room in the bed but not too much in case she bumped in to Cal and disturbed him. Except, his side of the bed was cold and it struck her hard that he wasn't there with her. At home. In their bed. He was in the hospital; neither awake nor asleep. Lewis climbed under the covers in front of her and wrapped an arm around her neck. He snuggled against her body. Gillian hugged him tightly and fought back the urge to cry. She lost of course but Lewis didn't seem to notice the slight shudders and shaking breaths. After a while he pulled back and studied her in the greying morning.
"Where's Dad?" He asked directly, his father's eyes staring in to hers. 'Where' was a raised index finger wiggled back and forth slightly. His eyebrows were pulled together in question.
"He's sick remember," Gillian responded easily, using the sign, which was 'five' hands, with the middle finger bent at the large knuckle, one at her head and one at her belly and bringing them together. It wasn't a lie, saying Cal was simply 'sick', but didn't know how else was she meant to explain the truth to him? Cal has a severe brain injury and is in a coma? "Dad hit his head and he's at the doctor's now until he gets better." Hit: her right fist striking against her raised left index finger. Head: simply pointing to it. Doctor: tapping the 'M' fingers of her right hand against the wrist of her left arm at a severe angle. She had told him this a few days ago; clearly it had not sunk in yet.
Lewis seemed to consider this. "The doctor make him all betta." He signed 'better': pressing the fingertips of his right hand against his lips then moving them away towards his shoulder, but up and out, while closing the hand.
"Yeah," Gillian agreed and pulled him in for another hug. Lewis let her for a moment then pushed at her until she let him go. She fought the urge to cry again. Why was his rejection feeling so acute this morning? Everything to do with Cal not being there? Yes, absolutely.
"Mum I'm hungy." He signed hungry too: forming his hand into a 'C' shape running it from his chest to his stomach, which when lying on his side, was harder to do.
"Ok, shall we have some breakfast?" Gillian signed 'eat': pressing the tips of her fingers and thumb against her mouth as if she were pressing food between her lips.
Lewis nodded and turned to climb out of the bed again. He rushed for the door and a minute later she could hear the TV come on in the living room, slightly too loud because Lewis didn't have his hearing aids in yet.
Tears leaked out anyway while Gillian tried to force them away. She had cried in the night and that was all the crying she was going to continue to allow. She had to be strong for her family right now. And that meant taking care of Lewis, trying to keep things normal despite the gaping absence of his father. Should she consider it interesting he hadn't noticed, or maybe just hadn't asked her about Cal, until this morning? Nothing last night when she had tucked him in to bed and turned out the light. Maybe he had accepted her brief explanation as to why Cal hadn't been around the last few days. Maybe Lewis had waited for Cal to come in and fallen asleep waiting for him to show up. Her father had done that to her on occasion. She would wait, try to stay awake, because he said he would come in to say goodnight and of course he never would. He would carry on drinking and she would fall asleep waiting and in the morning forget about it. It wasn't until she got older that she remembered; he hadn't tucked her in to bed since she was four, despite promises to the contrary. Gillian didn't want it to be the same for Lewis. He had a special bond with his father. It wasn't meant to be this way at all.
Gillian climbed out of bed before the grip of self-pity could get a hold of her. She pulled a robe on as she tucked her feet into the slippers she had received for mother's day and headed into Lewis's room to take his hearing aids off the shelf. When he saw her come into the room with them he stopped jumping on the couch cushions and sat still so she could attach them and turn them on. She asked him to turn the TV down a little bit and he obliged as she was leaving the room. But only a little bit.
Gillian fried eggs for breakfast, wanting something hot, but not having the patience for anything more complex. She was impatient to get back to the hospital. Despite the fact her phone never rang, she could admit she almost bordered on paranoid that something had happened to Cal. That something else had happened to Cal. She kept her phone with her at all times, even taking it in to the bathroom with her. The phone chimed and Gillian dived on it. Lewis gave her a startled expression. It was a text from Emily: NOT SURE I CAN MAKE IT 2DAY. GOT A TEST 2 PREP 4.
Gillian hit reply immediately. It had been two days since Emily had been up to the hospital. At first, Gillian was willing to give her the space to process. Now, two days later, she was going to stage an intervention. Emily couldn't hide from her father or the problem and pretend it wasn't happening and it didn't exist. She needed to deal. I'LL B THERE ALL DAY. COME UP IF U CAN.
No pressure for now. Tomorrow, if Emily still had not shown up, she was going to drive over there and get her, harsh as it may sound. Cal needed to know his daughter was around in support, and Emily needed to see that Cal was ok, instead of letting the fear of the unknown keep her away. For now he was ok, she didn't need to know the chances of him waking up again were on the fence at the moment. Gillian didn't get a reply message. She went to have a shower. Lewis joined her and played with an assortment of toys that had migrated from his own bathroom to theirs, while Gillian washed her hair.
She sent Lewis to get dressed while she did the same but when she went to his room to check on him she found him playing, naked, on the floor with an impressive collection of dinosaur toys. "Hey rude boy!" She called to him. "Get dressed."
He looked up and gave her such a wicked grin; he looked like Cal so much Gillian felt like she had been sucker punched. Her first reaction was to grab her phone and snap a picture to send to Cal so he could see but she was too slow, and Cal wasn't exactly responding to her messages right now. She picked out clothes for Lewis and helped him dress. She tied his shoes for him and he went to get his bag from the kitchen where she had packed his lunch and drink. Gillian gathered her purse, phone, keys, other essential items and met him at the garage internal access door.
"Ready?" She asked him.
He gave a solemn nod and pulled the door open, jumping down the steps, one at a time, landing on the concrete of the garage floor. He went to Gillian's car while his mother realised again that she should really find out where Cal's car was and bring it home. Or at least just find out what had happened to it. It might be in a police impound by now. Gillian drove Lewis to day care and took him in. He hung up his bag and said goodbye and then ran off. Gillian watched him go trying to shut out thoughts about Cal never seeing his son grow up. Another thought made its way to the surface, one that was far more logical and practical and tangible; something she could cling on to as a distraction. She was going to have to start telling people what was going on.
PJ
"Good morning," Jay greeted her with a smile. "You're just in time. I was going to do his mouth care. But you can do it if you want to."
Gillian said hello in return as she crossed the room and put her purse down next to the chair she had spent all of yesterday in. She was learning names and faces now the initial fog of fear, confusion and shock was dissipating. Jay was a twenty-something year old nurse. He worked days and was one of Cal's primary caregivers. Gillian had seen him everyday Cal had been here and he periodically checked in with the both of them during his shift.
"What do I do?" Gillian asked with trepidation. She was by no means comfortable around Cal at all, even after two days now. Her touching him was limited to his hand. She couldn't even bring herself to caress his face. The bruises had bloomed and he was ugly shades of purple and yellow. When they changed his dressings in front of her, it made her feel sick. She shouldn't react that way, not logically, she had seen worse in her lifetime and she had seen Cal in worse of a state too, but for whatever reason, seeing the ugly staples holding his shaved scalp together was too much for her to handle. She might have seen him broken down, but that had never got the best of him. Not until now. It wasn't right for someone who was usually so animated.
"You brush his teeth just like you would brush your own," Jay prepared a spongy pad on the end of a stick from its sterile packaging. He handed it to her. "Just be careful of the ventilator tube and make sure you get his gums and tongue."
Gillian nodded she understood and then wondered where the hell to start. "Go for it," Jay urged. "You can't hurt him. He's loaded up on pain and sedation meds right now. Just stick it in there."
So Gillian did, feeling a little bad for force-feeding a weird spongy pad into her husband's mouth to brush his teeth with. He gave an audible grunt that almost made her drop the stick with the shock of it.
"Let him know what you're up to," Jay encouraged again, backing off just a little as she started to work the pad around the confines of Cal's mouth. "I'll be back in a minute."
They had told her to talk to Cal, that he would hear her and that it would bring the both of them comfort, but Gillian had a hard time with it. She felt foolish. And she was used to Cal responding. It seemed silly talking to a silent room. She didn't even talk to herself as she did chores around the house, not like her mother had when she was a child and had found it so amusing. Cal gave another moan, like he was grumbling in complaint. "I'm just brushing your teeth," Gillian told him, testing out how the words sounded. She moved the pad to the other side of his mouth, removing it entirely and reinserting it between his lips so she could clean the other side. She slowed down around the breathing tube, especially as she dug around under it to get to his tongue. She stopped, hesitated, looked over her shoulder. There didn't seem to be anyone approaching; the only sounds were the ventilator and heart monitor in their steady rhythms. "Cal?" She leaned in closer to him, closing her eyes so she could see that silly amused grin of his that she found so sexy. "Cal. I love you. I just wanted you to know, that I love you."
