so if i call will you be there?
i miss the nights we used to share.
up on the rooftop listening to punk rock.
nobody believed us this could be our one shot
that was all we had.
the nights we wasted got us through the days that seemed never ending.
always in a haze but we just don't care.
the only place that we could go staring at the world we didn't know,
wondering if this is all we had.
40 oz intoxicated dream; all our faded memories; that's what made us who we are today.

Chapter seven

I woke up the next morning with a cough and a headache that I could only have caught from Pete or Patrick. Damn. Guilty AND sick. There was a weird metallic taste in my mouth that translated to a heavy feeling in my head and behind my eyes, but it was almost eleven o clock so I decided it was time to get up. I headed downstairs and straight into the kitchen, where I found Joe raiding Cassie's box of Lucky Charms. He paused when he saw me, marshmallows oozing out of his mouth.
"Nice" I scoffed, getting a glass out of a cabinet.
"Morning sunshine." He gargled through the mess. He swallowed. "Pete said you had a headache last night, how you feeling?" I swallowed three Advil.
"Slightly robotic" I responded.
"Well that's a very Pete answer."
"Well he got into my brain last night."
"Yeah he told me, is everything...okay?"
"...no."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, once I get the balls up to talk to Patrick about...about Cassie." I took a drink of water. "Where is everyone, by the way?"
"We were all just hanging out in here and in the living room, Cassie had some cereal, and then made the connection of Pete's name to Peter Pan. Pete said something about...fairy dust and flying lessons and I got...very scared and opted to stay home. Everyone else headed for the playground."
"Everyone?"
"Yeah basically."
"Well, when are they coming back?"
"Fucked if I know."
"Alright well I'm gonna go take a shower and I guess if they're not back by the time I get out, I'll go down to the playground and find them."
"Alright, compadre." He said, clapping me on the shoulder. I was leaving the kitchen to walk  back upstairs when he spoke again. "Hey Heather." I turned around.
"Yes, Joseph?" I replied, leaning against the doorframe with my mock-serious face.
"No one's mad at you, just in case you were...I don't know. But...no one's mad at you about Cassie."
"No one?" I challenged, raising one eyebrow. He broke.
"Okay well, Patrick is. But everyone else gets it." I nodded.
"I know. And I think I can at least ease Pat's fury once I talk to him. He doesn't have to be happy about what I did...or let him do, but at least I don't think he'll be so angry anymore."
"And everyone really loves Cassie. She's a sweetheart. She's really taken to Andy, mostly."
"I know right? I've never seen her warm up to anyone so quickly."
"While Andy was in the bathroom, Cassie actually told Pete that Andy reminds her of a floppy dog." I sank to the floor laughing.
"It's the hair." I mused.
"Yeah, probably...or the nose." That sent me reeling again.
"Well, thanks Joey boy."
"Never again." I laughed.
"Duly noted." And walked upstairs to shower.


As I was pulling on a pair of jeans, preparing to walk to the closest playground, I heard voices coming up the sidewalk...singing.
"Baby beluga in the deep blue sea, swim so wild and you swim so free. Heaven above and the sea below, and a little whale on the go." I distinctly heard Cassie headlining the off-key brigade, but Pete's voice was strongly audible, along with Parker's. I looked out my window overlooking the front lawn and saw Patrick, Parker, and Andy walking up the front path. Pete was bringing up the rear with Cassie sitting on his shoulder, hanging on to Pete's hair with one hand, conducting the song with her other. The front door opened and closed, filling the house with the exuberant singing. "Baby beluga, oh, baby beluga, is the water warm? Is your mama home with you so happy?" I walked downstairs just in time to see Cassie dismount off of Pete's shoulders and onto Parker's lap on the couch. Andy flopped down next to them and pecked Parker on the lips. Pete jumped over the back of the couch, landing across all of them, earning screams of delight from Cassie. Patrick, being last into the house, had no more room and sat down on the armchair facing the couch. Joe came into the room and jokingly leapt into Patrick's lap, causing Patrick to moan in pain. I stared at them, looking up at me with smiling faces and I had to ask myself: how did I let them go? I had no answer for myself, just that I knew right now, more than ever, that I'd made a horrible mistake. Patrick needed to know about Cassie...tonight. Wordlessly, I sat down on the floor next to the armchair, pulling my knee to my chest and crossing my arms. We all just sat and talked, mainly about Seinfeld. Cassie just sat there looking completely uninterested. I caught her attention and indicated to her that she should try to braid Andy's hair. She smiled mischievously and went straight for Andy's head
"HEY!" he protested."HOLD STILL ANDREW!" Cassie shrieked. We all howled with laughter and Andy just shook his head and held still, allowing Cassie to try and braid his hair, probably putting it in the worst knots a toddler is capable of. Overall it was just such an amazing atmosphere, and I almost wanted to cry. I was too happy to have everyone back in my life. But I noticed that Patrick was silent for the most part. His legs folded over the armchair just to my left, and his feet were planted completely on the carpet. I rested my head affectionately on his knee, but still he said nothing. But after maybe two minutes passed, I could feel a few of his fingers tangle tentatively in the ends of my hair. I smiled a little, he didn't want to avoid me after my freakout from last night, and this was a good sign. He was angry at me, but he didn't hate me. He didn't hate me, and I took silent solace in this, and it gave me strength to do what I knew I had to.


Dinner was a messy, messy affair. We ordered Chinese food and we ordered so much food it took an hour to deliver, and at least another half hour to dole out to everyone. Cassie contented herself next to me with dumplings and white rice, but for everyone else it was a mess of cross-table reaching and white containers everywhere. The stench of twelve different Asian dishes was unbelievable. What I noticed was that in the random seating arrangement, I sat next to Cassie, who had Patrick sitting on her other side, and it was just the three of us on that side of the table. Parker sat opposite Cassie, between Joe and Andy, and Pete sat between us all at the head of the table. I just found it funny, that the three of us ended up sitting on the same side, and I wondered if it was something everyone else did on purpose. I cut all of my food into little tiny pieces; a diet technique I picked up after I had Cassie. Eat smaller bites and you feel like you're eating more, so you're full faster and you're eating less. I am quiet and refined. But Patrick was taking monster bites, and picking food up with his fingers whenever possible. Living in a bus for five years had made a pig of him. I didn't even bother stopping him; he couldn't help himself, he forgot that he knows better. But Cassie laughed at his animalistic habit, and began to follow him, digging into her rice with her fist. I grabbed her hand and wrapped it in a napkin, the mother within me taking over.
"Cassie, no! Use your spoon sweetie."
"But Patrick's doing it!"
"I don't care, you're not. It's not right for little girls to do that."
"But it's right for big boys?" she questioned. I shot Patrick a "now look what you've done" glare.
"Well, sometimes. Sometimes big boys can use their hands but not little girls. Never little girls. Okay sweetie?"
"Fine." She grumbled, picking up her spoon and gouging back into the rice. Parker, who had been also been noticing that Cassie too her cues from Patrick, finally spoke.
"Cassie babe, eating with your hands is a gross thing that some boys do sometimes. It's part of their cooties." She joined Cassie in scrunching up their faces and whining "Ewww! So be a girl like me and your mommy."
"Hey, sorry Heather. I didn't know she was following me." Patrick spoke for what I think was the first time since we'd sat down.
"Oh, no it's fine. She probably learned it from the boys at school, too. It's fine."
"Oh for sure," chimed Parker again. "I mean come on Heath, look how you eat. I'd expect the nasty habit had to come from Cassie's father." She added a touch of venom to the last word. I had been looking at Patrick, and his eyes shot up at Parker, then to me. Our gaze locked for a moment, and I looked down at my plate. But I could still feel his eyes boring into my skull, concentrating on just what Parker could have meant. I took a deep breath and spoke.
"Patrick um...could I talk to you upstairs after dinner?"