Chapter 7

"Bitte"

(Request)


The next day, Mello seemed rather sober, and Matt didn't attempt to brighten his mood. Emil can have that job... he thought.

It was true that the other boy was making his best efforts, but Mello simply shrugged him off. It didn't look like -and Matt knew- Emil wasn't the one Mello wanted.

He felt slightly guilty for the way he had acted the night before, but knew it was the only way to protect himself and his feelings. If he got close to Mello, things would surely end the same way. Either he, Matt, wouldn't be able to deal with the problems Mello obviously had, and leave Mello the same way Alex had left him, or Mello would realize his 'love' for Matt was nothing more than a craving for the very thing he didn't get at home.

How could Matt be certain of the love Mello had admitted to him, when the other boy had no doubt never even been loved his entire life? How could you know you feel something for someone, when no one has shown you that same sort of affection? Mello's choice didn't have to be Matt. It could be Emil, or any of the other boys. Hell, how could Matt even be sure Mello actually liked boys? How could he be sure the other boy even knew himself? If it was just love and stability he wanted, Mello could've picked anyone.

So why? Why did he choose me?

For the life of him, Matt couldn't think of anything special he possessed that would attract the other boy to him.

Then again, maybe he was just over-thinking this. Maybe Mello really did mean what he said. All the same, Matt wasn't prepared to risk his heart again. He also didn't know if he was prepared to have more insight into what Mello went through at home every day. It was clear the boy needed someone, but Matt didn't know if he'd be able to help the way Mello needed him to.

They didn't skip classes that day, but Matt hadn't really expected Mello to ask. The other boy seemed to be avoiding him, and Matt could understand why. Emil seemed to notice the awkwardness and tension, and seemed very pleased. Matt could tell he was looking for his chance to be the rebound. He almost laughed at the boy's pathetic attempts; there was no way Mello would consider him if he hadn't by now.


It was a jolt realizing that they only had six more days left at camp. Matt had almost grown fond of the place. Not really of the place in itself, but of Mello. He hadn't realized until just recently exactly how much he liked having the other boy around.

Was staying away from him really a good choice? It wasn't as if Mello was another Alex; the two of them were completely different. So why did Matt keep seeing Alex every time he looked at Mello?

He gave a sigh and stared up at the bottom of the top bunk of his bed. Everything about the cabin seemed so bland now, especially being in here alone. God, how he hated being alone....

Soon, the boys started coming in from playing outside. Matt hated having them in the cabin even worse than he disliked being alone. All they did was judge people, and talk about girls, and which girls they'd slept with. It made him sick just listening to it.

"Um...Matt?"

Startled by the sudden voice, Matt looked over to his side and saw Mello standing beside his bed, looking down at the floor. "Wh-what is it?"

"Could we...talk?" he asked softly.

"Um...sure." Matt sat up on the bed. "About what?"

"In...private, please?" Mello replied, looking nervously around the room.

"Sure." Matt got up off the bed and followed Mello outside, where the other boy immediately headed off towards the woods, without even looking to see if anyone might follow.

Once they were a fair good ways inside the trees, Mello took Matt's arm and pulled him over to face him.

"What is it?" Matt asked, glancing around. He always had the uneasy feeling someone was watching them whenever they were alone together.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Mello asked, his tone of voice an attempt at sounding demanding, but more of a failed try.

"I uh...I'm not avoiding you. What would make you think that?" Matt said. Dammit. I can't let my emotions take control this time... I have to be sensible about this....

"You completely ran off last night, with no explanation for why you were acting so damn weird. And you haven't spoken to me all day – or even looked at me for that matter. If I did something wrong, just tell me." His brow furrowed as Matt looked -not at him- but at the ground.

If I look into his eyes, I won't be able to lie. Not if I see them...

"You didn't do anything wrong. I just..."

"You just what? I mean, I say three words, and you just run off!? If you don't feel that way, then just say so!" He gripped Matt's shoulder and pushed him against the tree.

"Ow! Hey!" He unwillingly looked in Mello's eyes, simply to glare at him, and found his body lose all will to argue. He couldn't lie...not to those eyes... "I..." Words seemed to have escaped him. "I do!" he said. "I do, a lot!"

"Then what's with the weird attitude?!" Mello retorted, his voice angry now. It slightly frightened Matt; he'd never seen him angry before, and it was quite different than Mello's usual attitude.

Matt sighed. "You don't understand."

"I want to understand, but you won't tell me what's going on!" Mello replied furiously. "Did I freak you out when I told you about my parents, is that it? Well I'm sorry if I answered your question truthfully, but what did you expect?! A perfect home life? Parents who love me!? Not everyone can have lives as perfect as yours, okay!?"

"You think my life is perfect!?" Matt half-laughed, half-yelled. "At least you have parents!"

Mello was silent for a minute, comprehension of Matt's words dawning on his face. "Oh, Matt...I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean...."

"Save it." Matt looked away from him again, down at the ground. "You want to know the truth about why I acted the way I did? I didn't want to get into another relationship, okay? When you said you liked me, I could handle that. I figured it was just something you were trying out, or a fling... But when you said 'love'...Mello, I... I can't do that."

"Can't do what? Love someone? Because that supid asshole boyfriend of yours broke it off?" Mello scoffed. "That's pathetic if I've ever heard it."

Matt glared daggers at the other boy. "You don't understand."

"Don't understand? Don't understand what, Matt? I love you – isn't that enough to prove to you that I -- ?"

"You don't even know what love is!" Matt shouted. "How can you say that you love me, when you've obviously never even known what the hell it means to be loved!?"

Mello stood frozen in his spot for a minute, shaking. His face was emotionless, and his hands hung limply at his sides. It was a long time before Mello said anything again, and when he spoke, his voice was soft and carefully controlled. "...You may be right about that," he said quietly. "No one's ever loved me before. Or even been remotely nice to me for that matter. But you...you were the first person who ever seemed to care about me. Sure, I'd had Emil – but he isn't like you. He just likes me because of the person he thinks I am. I can't talk to him like I do you. And you....you were the first person who ever liked 'me'. If anything, you've shown me what it means to care for a person." Mello looked up at Matt now, his blue eyes shining slightly. "Maybe I do like you for the wrong reasons, or because I just want to be loved. But either way, I want to be with you. And I know I'll want to be with you a long time from now. You're the only person I've ever felt this way about before. And..." he took a step closer and touched Matt's face with the tips of his fingers. "I meant what I said last night, regardless. What are you so afraid of?"

Matt was surprised to find that his own voice was shaking when he spoke. "Uncertainty. How can I be sure you even know what your feelings are? You could have chosen anyone – so why me?" he said desperately.

"I just gave you my reason," Mello replied calmly.

"How do I know this isn't just something you're trying out, or just a way of you coping? How do I know that in a month or two you won't meet some other guy that can give you whatever it is you need, better than I can? What will happen if...if I can't do everything you need me to, if I can't deal with what you're going through? Will you get tired of me if I can't help the way you want?" D-damn it, I'm starting to cry.... Shit....

"Matt..." Mello's brow furrowed in concern. "You don't have to do anything for me. I don't expect you to help me with my problems." He gave a gentle smile. "There's nothing you can do to solve them, and I don't expect you to try. I'd just like you to be there, and listen. That's all I need from you. And if listening ever becomes too much...you can just tell me, okay? I won't think any less of you. And I'd still want to be with you even then."

"R-really?"

"Of course. I don't want you as my therapist, Matt." He laughed slightly. "I just want you for you."

Matt breathed a deep sigh, and it was then that he felt the tears fully come. The hell? I haven't cried in forever...

"Matt...is there another reason Alex left you?" Mello asked softly.

Silence rested between them for a minute before Matt spoke again. "...Y-yes. It was when my parents died." He wiped his eyes. "He said that he c-couldn't deal with what I was going through, so he left. But in reality, I...I didn't expect him to do anything. I just wanted him there.... But..."

As Matt started sobbing, Mello sat down next to him and put a comforting arm around his shoulders. "I understand. He was an idiot."

Matt gave a small laugh through his tears. "You think so?"

"Any guy who wouldn't want you is an idiot. And I can't believe he left you for such a selfish reason."

"No, I-I understand." Matt sighed. "He just couldn't handle it... A lot of people can't."

"Still, he up and left when you obviously needed him more than anything. It was an incredibly heartless thing for him to do," Mello replied.

Matt shrugged. "It's in the past."

"Well obviously you haven't gotten over it, if it was one of the reasons you didn't trust me."

"I don't trust anyone," Matt replied. "I know eventually things are going to end anyway, so why bother starting it?"

"You don't know that," Mello said, brushing the tear stains away from the other boy's face. "Some things don't end. But you'll never know unless you start it." He smiled. "Besides, relationships are about figuring things out. Going through good and bad times with someone. It's about getting hurt, and then finding someone who can heal those wounds."

Matt was silent for a moment. "...Hey, Mello?"

"Hm?"

His mouth curved into a smile. "You sound like something straight out of a romance novel."

Mello blushed a little. "Hehe...My mom has a lot of romance books around the house. I get bored a lot."

Softly, Matt reached over and intertwined their fingers. "But...okay. I'm willing to trust you then." He smiled. "It wouldn't be fair for me to let Alex determine my feelings toward you."

Mello returned the smile. "So no more fighting?"

"Haha...no more fighting."

At Matt's reply, Matt reached over and placed his hand to Matt's face. "I love you."

"I...love you too. I mean it, even if it's hard for me to say at times."

Mello laughed. "Maybe it'll get easier to say along the way."

"I'm sure it will." Matt smiled.

They were both silent for a few seconds, and then -wordlessly- Matt leaned over and placed his lips to Mello's. "Until then, consider that my reply," he said.

"Fine with me." Mello returned the kiss, keeping his lips placed firmly to the other boy's, and soon he could feel Matt's fingers tangle their way in his hair.

It was only their fourth kiss, but for some reason Matt now felt like they'd been doing it forever. His tongue instinctively found it's way into the other boy's mouth, and he wrapped his arms around Mello's neck. They lost track of who they were, where they were; the only thing they were aware of was this feeling.

-FLASH-

"The hell!?"

The two boys immediately parted, turning wildly around to see where the flash of light had come from. It had happened so fast, that they hadn't even had time to register what it had come from.

Just as they turned to look, there was a rustling in the bushes, and a few moments later, a boy their age stepped out.

"EMIL!" Mello gasped.

The black-haired boy smirked and held up the polaroid camera in his hand, jerking the picture out of the slot. "Smile pretty for the camera, boys," he said.

Mello glared at the other boy, and Matt found himself shrinking back. He'd never seen the other boy so angry. "Emil, give me the picture!" he demanded firmly.

Emil ignored him. "What do you think?" He said, gesturing to the camera. "My dad got it for me a few months ago."

"Emil, give the picture to me!" Mello repeated.

"Why? So you can continue sneaking around with your boyfriend?" he scoffed. Amused, he shook his head. "What do you think the boys will say to this? I mean, physical evidence is a lot more exciting than just hearing someone scream it in the cafeteria."

"Emil..." Mello said threateningly.

"Please, Emil," Matt said. "Just let this go."

"Why should I listen to you, French boy?" he said. "It's your fault I can't even go into the shower room without having something thrown at me!" He glared at Matt, and held the picture even tighter. "I told you I'd make your life a living Hell."

"And you think you'll make my life a living Hell by showing that picture to a couple guys that don't like me anyway?" Matt said. "Guys who I could care less if they did like me?"

Emil grinned at this statement. "Maybe it won't matter to you. But I'm sure it means something to him." He nodded towards Mello. "Right?"

Mello had gone a sickly shade of pale. "Emil, please – don't. Why would you do this?"

"Why would I do this? Why the hell do you think I'm doing this! After hearing all that crap about, 'Oh, Matt, you're the only one who's ever cared about me! You're the only one I can rely on! Emil just doesn't get me like you do!'" His expression became furious. "This guy has known you for a few days, and you think he knows you better than I do, when we've been friends since sixth grade! Bullshit!"

"Emil...please..."

"NO!" The other boy shook his head and backed away. "I won't stand for it anymore!"

"Emil, please! I'll do anything!" Mello pleaded. "Just don't show anyone!"

"Anything, ne?"

Mello cringed at the mere thought of what Emil might ask, but nodded nonetheless. "Whatever you want."

"Alright then..." Emil thought for a minute, looking carefully at the both of them. "I do have something I want."

"What? What is it, just tell me," Mello said weakly.

Emil's lips twisted into a wry smile. "Matt."


-End of Chapter 7-