Disclaimer: Breaking Dawn wouldn't be out.
A.N. Thanks to Unlove You (No matter how much Bella loves someone else, she always ends up choosing herself. As a Jacob fan, I still feel sorry for Edward), w0rstdisaster (glad you liked the line), Nhler 17 (I'm relieved that putting in Edward added to the story instead of taking away from it, Emmett needs more credit than he's given),
shaketramp (if your looking for some more good Jacob Bella I recommend blueandblack's stories) and The Sushi Monster (honestly when I first started I wasn't sure if they fit that well, but I'm glad they seem too.)
Am I the only one who read Breaking Dawn and was a little... WTF? I was a little hesitant to write this piece after reading it so it might be a little off. Heavy on philosophical things by the way.
Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.
Bella:
I wonder if he still felt pain.
I wonder if he hated me.
But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he thought of me as much as he said he did.
"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes it's you I see."- Jacob Black
ORTHODOX
"Alice and her silk fetish," I grumbled, under my breath. Seven years later and I was still surprised at how... lyrical my voice sounded. It almost distracted me from my annoyance at my favorite sister.
Almost.
Truthfully, Alice had a fetish for everything at one point in her decades of endless time. At least this time she hadn't subjected me to shopping with her. All I had to do was pick up some package. Edward was, unfortunately, caught up in some antique music store and he looked so intrigued that I loathed to ask him to make a detour.
It was amazing how even as a vampire, I still managed to stumble into people.
"Sorry," I mumbled out of habit. I could almost imagine Emmett in my head, For god's sake Bella show some spine. Your as intimidating as Donald Duck. Just be aloof, it saves you time.
I rolled my eyes, but imaginary Emmett did have a point. I was in a hurry, so I straightened and tried to sound at least somewhat collected. "I wasn't looking-"
I faltered.
The person I stumbled into was about as old as Gran. What kind of vampire was I to not have noticed this before? A lousy one, I answered silently. My guilt tripled when I saw her dropped bags. Graceful, my butt.
"I'm really sorry miss," I apolgized again, dropping to the floor to help her collect her things. Quickly, but not too quickly, I had her bags in hand.
"It's alright," her voice was louder than I thought it'd be and warm. She moved to grip her bags and automatically I stopped breathing. As a newborn, intellectually I'd been able to recognize my urges, but reigning them in was as difficult as Edward said. More so even. She was so weak, ... so frail ... Better to be safe than sorry.
I can resist all but temptation.
"Um," I faltered again and handed her some of the lightest bags. "Do you need some help?" I managed to ask.
She laughed. "The polite thing to do would be to turn your gracious offer down, but I'm old so social niceties don't really matter to me anymore," she said.
"I don't mind." And to my surprise, despite my increasing need to go see Edward, I didn't mind.
"Well you had your chance to escape your good deed for day so I won't protest. If you could be so kind to drop my old arse by that table I'd be dandy."
x0x
We didn't need to walk far since she was meeting up with her family. Apparently she was here with her husband and grandchild, Abby. They were shopping for her grandson's birthday. His name was Jason and her's was Annie.
She sat down heavily. "These old bones slow me down worse than clothes in water," she said ruefully. "Unfortunely, I can't lighten my load."
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Does it bother you?" I wanted to smack myself, I lived with the most polite people in the universe for the better part of the decade and my mouth is still disconnected from my mind.
She raised a shrewd eyebrow. "Being old you mean?"
I nodded. If I was still human I was sure I would be blushing. But I was curious, aside from Gran I hadn't really known anyone... old. And my memories of her were, well fuzzy.
Annie stretched a little and leaned against her plastic chair. "Age is a matter of perspective," she said airily. "At heart I'm still that passionate dish I was at 16."
I muffled a laugh. She reminded me of Emmett a bit. Too lighthearted to remain serious in any situation for long. Happy in the life they were condemned. She had short silver hair and I could tell from her bone structure and twinkling gray eyes that she probably had been as alluring as she said.
"Don't you miss it?" I hadn't meant to ask out loud, but I didn't take it back. "Don't you miss being 16?"
Annie laughed in a kind, but knowing way. "You young people, too caught up in now." She shook her head then adjusted herself, trying to figure out how to best answer my question. "You remember what I sad about age being a matter of perspective?" I nodded. "The same is said for beauty. And it can be said about time."
"But time, is time," I argued, confused at her reasoning. "No matter who you ask, a week is still seven days. A year is still 365. Yesterday will never happen again."
She raised her eyebrow again. "Are you so sure?"
I wanted to snap at her and say that I had almost three decades of experience. Never mind you can't remember a good chunk of the first two decades, a voice whispered. I ignored it. "Time is constant," I insisted stubbornly. "Your age is proof of that."
Then I winced. Smooth Bella, real smooth. Polite too.
Annie didn't even seem offended, just amused. "Really?" she asked. "There is time, and there is time. There are seconds that feel like eternity and years that seem like seconds."
I couldn't argue there, that logic could easily be related to me and Edward. Just being around him never seems like enough and being away from him seems like forever. "But it's because of time that your- not young," I finished lamely.
"I'm young at heart, wise in mind, and graceful in age," she countered. "But that wasn't your original question now was it?" she mused. "You asked if I wanted to be sixteen again. And that question stemmed from my complaint about this antique sack of flesh, am I correct?"
I nodded, a little flustered by her blunt assessment.
"Did you mean in body or in age?" She continued, before I could answer. "Because your answer came from my physical complaints, I'll assume that my younger, delectable body is what you meant."
"Yes," I answered, finding my voice.
"Well then your out of luck," Annie said, reclining against her chair. "Because a young mind, is the only type of youth I would think of. Sure being old means you know more, and you're like a wise sage, but the innocence of youth is a brief thing. That naivety is rare. Sure it makes you stupid and as reckless as a drunken bull, but," she shrugged, "-Eh, everything has it's down side."
To some extent I understood. My family, even Emmett, their eyes were the only true signs of age. Wise and knowing, they had done things and seen things I couldn't fathom. There were things I noticed that they didn't share with me. I found out anyways, but that wasn't the point. Wisdom comes from what you experience and I knew I still had a ways to go on wisdom. I could understand that an unburdened mind, like that of a teenager, was a blessing.
"But why not your body?" I found myself saying. "Does it really not matter to you that you're-"
"Wasting away?" she finished.
"Yeah," I whispered, not sure why my voice was so small. No I knew why I was stunned. How could this woman, experiencing the pains of age, and instead of being bitter, could accept what I couldn't at 18?
Annie sighed and she had a faraway look in her eyes. "I have had my first beer and my first hangover in this body. My first period, my first kiss, my first. I have drunken, I have danced, I have laughed and cried in this body. My age is a sign of the obstacles I've overcome in this screwy world. My body is a well earned trophy and frankly my dear, death is a blessing."
"How?" And for the first time in a long while my voice cracked. "How is it a blessing to waste away, to decompose?" I whispered harshly.
She turned back to look at me. "Life needs death," Annie said softly, surprised at me. "To make it precious. There is no point in preserving what will always be there. Why protect what will always stand?" she asked me.
Then her face broke out in a smile. Numbly I turned to see what she was staring at. A man, about her age or older, was holding hands with a little black haired girl and bags, I could tell where from a party supply store.
She stood shakily. "One day you'll understand," Annie assured. "When your in my place and you can value resting with the knowledge that your children are happy and well," She turned back to me. "What's your name? I never did ask."
"Bella," I said. "Bella Swan." Swan, a voice whispered, not Cullen.
She smiled at me. "And a beautiful swan you are," she affirmed.
x0x
She had made brief introductions to her husband Luke who thanked me for keeping an eyes on his "spitfire." Abby the little girl, had waved a shy hello from behind her grandpa's legs.
"You'll understand," Annie said again as she gathered her bags. She ignored her husband's curious looks. "And when your a beautifully aged swan you'll marvel at my wisdom."
When they turned to leave, briefly I saw a flash of another black haired child, with russet skin and wide dark eyes.
The knowledge that the only chance I had of ever truly understanding was lost to me, it was painful. I'd passed it up because one lifetime wasn't enough. I would never feel that aging grace with anyone. Because it was gone, gone with a future I lost, no, gave up. My human body, my parents-
My Jacob.
I crumpled.
x0x
And that was exactly how Edward found me, hours or maybe seconds later.
Time was an illusion after all, I thought bitterly.
x0x
Truth be told I had another idea for a one shot, but after I read Breaking Dawn, it died in my mental arms. So instead I decided to confront the issue of physically aging instead. Something thats always saddened Bella. It still does, but only because now she realizes that she can never understand it to a full extent. My writing in Twilight may be a little off, since I'm still trying to get over BD, but I hope it still lived up to your expectations.
If not, review.
If it did review.
Hint, hint, review.
