Affirmation of Life

Chapter 7

Looking after a baby really is the hardest job in the world.

In retrospect I should never have doubted Sam when she had stated that it was going to be a steep learning curve, after all she's had to learn the right and wrong way of doing things, trusting only her innate instincts, and knowing Sam as well as I do, a book or two on the subject.

She's had to learn the hard way.

By comparison, I've had the more easier transition.

Still, after three weeks of intense hands on training, albeit with a few unexpected and sometimes downright terrifying experiences I have learned one important lesson.

Being a parent is exhausting!

I've been on archaeological digs in Egypt that have been less labour intensive.

I can't believe the work that is involved in keeping one tiny person clean, fed, dressed and happy. As soon as you accomplish one of those primary goals, the next is looming on the horizon.

Take today for instance.

Today I'm flying solo.

Sam's had to go into work, something to do with some monumental screw up that Felger has made. When I arrived I could tell that she wasn't too pleased about having to go to the mountain, whether that had something to do with the fact that she was having to leave Hannah in my less than capable hands I couldn't say, but it was obvious that Sam had little choice in the matter.

Before she left, she explained to me the wonders of expressed milk, where it was stored, namely the fridge, and how it was to be prepared and administered.

No sooner had Sam left than Hannah decided to test whether her father had been paying attention to his last three weeks of basic training.

Feeding her went okay.

Even making sure that she expressed those pesky little air bubbles was a little easier than I had imagined, although I wasn't quite prepared for the full on puke fest that followed when I jiggled her about a little too prematurely.

Suffice it to say, I had to change her clothes... and sponge off mine.

And just when I had finished doing that...

...she promptly goes and fills her diaper.

The contents of a baby's diaper should be classified in the same category as radioactive isotopes from Chernobyl.

It took me twenty minutes to get her clean and sweet smelling again.

I'm not so sure that my nasal passages have fared so well.

Getting her back to sleep wasn't as easy as Sam makes it look. For one thing Hannah doesn't seem to appreciate my singing voice, not that I can blame her and I guess stories from Greek mythology don't really have much to offer a child under the age of one.

My final resort was to lay on the couch with Hannah draped across my torso, my hand softly and rhythmically patting her back.

So now having managed to steer her back to her cot in the nursery without the mishap of waking her up, I'm now ready for a much overdue and well deserved cup of coffee.

I cross to the kitchen and switch on the coffee machine, sighing with pleasure at the sound it makes and the aroma that slowly wafts through the air.

My reverie is interrupted by the sound of the door chime.

Great!

That's all I need, an overzealous delivery man.

I swear if he wakes the baby up...

I jog down the hall, the nirvana of my coffee entirely forgotten and pull open the door before he can ring the damn doorbell again.

After my experience in Mexico, I should know better than to open a door without first checking as to who is on the other side.

Shock registers a nanosecond before I come to the unwanted conclusion that I'm about to relive in painful detail that jaw cracking moment in my hotel room.

For who should be standing on Sam's stoop but her father.

"Hello Danny."

"Jacob..."

I feel a bead of perspiration break from the cover of my hairline to weave drunkenly down my face. At the same moment my heart rate speeds up until I can almost feel it knocking against my ribcage.

Oh this is bad... this is very bad.

"Ah... if you're looking for Sam, she's at the base."

I wince as the words leave my mouth.

Was it possible for me to say anything more stupid? Of course he knows she is at the base, he's just come from there.

The Stargate is how he commutes.

One side of Jacob's mouth quirks up at my obvious discomfort.

"I'm not here to see Sam," his face suddenly turns serious, "I'm here to see you."

Those sound like ominous words and I begin to wonder just how many ways an ex Vietnam vet and the Tok'ra's most accomplished covert operative know how to hurt a man, more of a worry is how many ways that they might know of how to dispose of the body.

I just hope that I'm not going to be unlucky enough to find out.

"You better come in."

I hold the door open for him to enter and hope that he can't detect the level of my nervousness as he brushes past me. Closing the door, I lead him into the kitchen.

"I was just making coffee, would you like some?"

Jacob seems to go into a trance like state and I realise that he is silently communicating with Selmak, it only lasts a moment.

"Sel says he's willing to make a concession to the usual no caffeine rule, so yeah, Daniel, I'd love some."

I pour us both a mug of Kenya's finest Arabica and hand one to him.

He crosses to the fridge and grabs hold of the milk carton, adding a dash to his mug and enquiring with his eyes as to whether I want some in mine.

I shake my head.

Jacob returns the milk to the fridge and closes the door, then he proceeds to walk his mug of precious brew to the farmhouse style table that sits in the middle of the kitchen, pulls out a chair and lowers himself into it.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist or an archaeologist for that matter to figure out that he wants me to join him there, so I pull out the chair that sits opposite him and sit down.

I guess it's time for the inquisition to begin.

"So..." Jacob's eyes look up from where they were studying the contents of the mug and lock unnervingly onto mine, "how does it feel to have knocked up my daughter?"

I inhale the mouthful of coffee that I had just taken, which results in my choking and wheezing in an effort to clear it from my lungs.

Trust Jacob to go straight for the jugular.

Now I know where Sam gets it from.

"You okay there, Danny?"

I nod, thumping my chest with one fist as I try to dislodge the almost suffocating beverage.

"Went... down... the ...wrong... way!"

I continue to wheeze and cough, my eyes tearing with the effort for a few seconds longer, when I finally have things back under a semblance of control, I run the back of my hand across my now streaming eyes, replace my glasses and concentrate my attention once more on Jacob.

"I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question, Jacob?"

"How about with the truth, Daniel."

"The truth's a little complicated."

"It always is."

Jacob leans his elbows on the table so that he can rest his chin upon his clenched hands.

"You hurt my little girl, what's more you left her alone to bring your child into the world, give me a reason as to why I shouldn't hurt you in return?"

He has a point, maybe I should let him have a little righteous retribution, while I'm at it why don't I invite Jack and Teal'c over and they can all beat me into a bloody pulp.

"I never meant to hurt her, Jacob, I know you probably don't believe that, and I know that my actions since then haven't exactly borne out that statement, but I never meant to hurt her." Jacob's eyes tell me that he isn't exactly buying that line. If I want him to believe me then I'm going to have to try a lot harder and reveal probably more about that night between his daughter and myself than I was comfortable with. "Look... I don't know how much Sam's told you about what happened that night?"

"She's told me the bare minimum..." Jacob leans across the table, his face implacable, "that's why I've come to see you."

I can feel my eyebrows crawling toward my hairline as realisation dawns on me.

"She doesn't know you're here, does she?"

Jacob sighs softly.

"No, she thinks I'm resting in the VIP suite."

He doesn't have to say anything more for we both know how Sam would likely react if she were to find out that her father has snuck out from the mountain complex in order to interrogate me.

I almost grin, but I curb the compulsion and stare down into my coffee cup instead, trying to think of the right words that would convey to Jacob the complexities of what happened between us that night.

"What you have to understand is that Janet's death had a marked effect upon both of us. We were hurting, we were looking for solace from one another, solace from the pain, from the grief, from the guilt. It started out innocently enough, it's not like we haven't held each other before, that we haven't comforted each other, but then something changed and that comfort turned into something else."

My eyes rose from where they had been studying the coffee cup to meet with those of Sam's father.

The soft brown of Jacob's irises seemed to harden as he returned my gaze.

"Please tell me that you didn't take advantage of her, that you didn't take advantage of the situation because if you did, Daniel..."

I shake my head emphatically, wondering as I do so how he could think such a thing about me.

"God, no, Jacob, I would never do anything like that. You have to believe me when I say that it was consensual, that it was something that we both wanted."

I take a long pull on my coffee, using the distraction to pull together my thoughts, so that I can explain better to Jacob the feelings that I have with regard to his daughter.

"Do you love her?"

The sound of those words cause me to sit back heavily in the chair. Once again Jacob has bypassed all the trivialities and gone straight to the heart of the matter.

"Jacob..."

"Do you love her, Daniel?"

I swallow the swell of emotion that suddenly threatens to constrict my throat.

"More than you could possibly imagine."

Jacob stares at me for a long time, his eyes scrutinizing mine and I get the feeling that it isn't only him that is evaluating me.

It is Selmak too.

It feels like forever before I finally see a small smile curl around his lips.

"I believe you, Daniel, and that makes the other reason for my being here that little bit easier."

"What do you mean... the other reason for your being here?"

Jacob looks wistfully at his hardly touched coffee cup before pushing it to one side.

"I guess I'm a little old fashioned, especially by today's standards, but I was hoping that you might do the honourable thing."

It takes a few seconds for his words to sink in, but when they do I feel the breath leave my lungs in an audible whoosh.

"You want me to..."

"You have responsibilities now, not only to my daughter, but to my granddaughter, it's time you stepped up to the plate."

I can remember all too vividly the conversation that took place in this very house three weeks ago, on that night when I had told Sam that I wanted to put everything right, that I wanted to have a second chance with her, but on that night she had shot me down in flames.

I softly shake my head, regret at my inability to persuade Sam to trust me again falling like a heavy blanket across my heart.

"Sam's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want me in her life anymore, at least not in that way and I can't say that I blame her."

A deep frown etched its way into Jacob's forehead.

"So you're just going to give up, without so much as a fight?"

"Whatever Sam once felt for me is gone, she doesn't trust me anymore, at least not with her heart so all I can do now is be here for Hannah." Jacob looks like he is about to say something, but I cut him off with a brisk wave of my hand. "Do you know what the cruellest irony is?..." Jacob shakes his head in answer, so I continue, "... up until a few weeks ago I didn't even know that Sam had those kind of feelings for me. I didn't know that she once loved me and was prepared to risk everything to be with me."

"She still loves you, Daniel." Jacob sits forward in his seat, his hands clasped together on the pine table. "Trust me, I know my daughter. She can be stubborn as hell, especially when she's been hurt and there is no doubting that you hurt her."

"Then how can you be so certain that she still loves me?"

A soft smile broke across Jacob's lips.

"Because I've only seen Sam totally fall apart twice in her life. Once when I had to tell her that her mother had died and the other... the other was when she lost you, Daniel, when you ascended."

He must have seen the shock register in my eyes, for he shook his head in bemusement.

"You two really ought to learn to talk more."

Just then the shrill sound of Hannah's cry emanates from the baby monitor on the counter.

I look at my watch.

"Thirty minutes... she's been down for all of thirty minutes."

I rise from my seat and head toward the nursery, the sound of Hannah's cry now persistent and fractious. I open the door and cross into the room, moving toward the cot and find Hannah in the throes of a full-blown tantrum, face ruddy, hands balled into tiny little fists, eyes scrunched shut as she puts every ounce of her energy into projecting her displeasure.

I pick her up and hold her against my chest, making little soothing sounds, but it doesn't pacify her, it's then I get a whiff of the reason why she has woken up in such a bad mood.

"Oh please... not again!"

I cross to the changing unit, placing my precious bundle down upon its soft surface and rummage underneath for the items that I need. If I've learned anything it is that you can't put this moment off, not with a wriggling, squirming baby mashing the contents of its diaper into an ever more disgusting mess.

I pop open the buttons of the baby grow and push it up her body so that it rests just above her waistline. Carefully I peel back the tabs and pull down the front of the diaper.

"... Jesus..."

I hear a chuckle from behind me and turn to find Jacob standing in the doorway, an amused look on his face.

"Don't tell me, she's gone nuclear, right?"

"I'm thinking more along the lines of primordial sludge. This stuff belongs in the Jurassic Period."

I reach for the baby wipes and grab a couple in an effort to begin the none too pleasant task of trying to clean her up. It's not helped by the fact that Hannah is vigorously kicking her legs about in the air and trying to roll over. After much consternation on my part and dogged evasion techniques on hers that I swear are a Carter trait, I finally manage to grab a hold of her wildly flailing feet so that I can anchor her in place.

It takes me another six wipes before I start to see the pinkness of her skin.

Ugh.

There is a hidden knack in this diaper changing business, but I figure to be able to do it skilfully you need to be an Octopus because you never seem to have enough hands.

"Just be thankful that she's a girl," Jacob has moved from the doorway and is standing at my shoulder gazing down at his granddaughter, "because little boys just love to use a moment like this for target practice." There is a look of pure joy upon his face, but then it turns wistful and just a little sad. "God, I wish my Hannah was here to see her. I wish she were here to see all her grandchildren."

The regretful tone in Jacob's voice is palpable.

Hannah stills as she hears the sound of her grandfather's voice, her eyes locking onto him, a soft cooing sound of recognition breaking from her lips.

"She's named after your wife?"

Jacob looks across at me.

"Sam never told you?"

I shake my head, a part of me somewhat ashamed that I hadn't thought to ask.

"Her middle name, Claire, did you know that was my mother's name? She died when I was young."

"I know, Daniel." Jacob's hand settles on my shoulder and he squeezes it softly. "Sam told me that she wanted Hannah to have your mother's name as a means of holding onto something of you in case you never came back."

I swallow down the sudden lump in my throat, using the distraction of finishing changing Hannah as a means to help me through the sudden wellspring of emotion that surfaces.

Once Hannah is buttoned down and dressed once more, her grandfather picks her up, giving me the chance to dispose of the olfactory challenging diaper bag.

When I re-enter the room it is to find him sitting in the rocking chair by the window, Hannah safely ensconced in his arms, rocking gently backward and forward.

"We nearly lost her you know."

He stares down at the fair-haired child in his arms, bending forward slightly so that he could place a delicate kiss upon her head.

"Hannah?"

He shakes his head, his eyes rising to meet with mine, the fear of the recollection so plain to see in their depths.

"Sam."

"What!?"

His revelation stuns me and I feel all the blood suddenly leach from my head, leaving me feeling dizzy and disoriented.

"It wasn't an easy pregnancy, Daniel, it was blighted by problems. At five months she almost miscarried, then at eight months she developed pre-eclampsia and had to be confined to bed. As you can imagine the confinement wasn't something that Sam enjoyed but it was necessary." One of Jacob's hands lifted to settle upon his granddaughter's head, his fingers playing softly with her fine hair. "I was off world taking part in some rather delicate negotiations for the Tok'ra, so I wasn't there when Sam went into labour."

His turns away from studying his granddaughter to look at me and I can see the shimmer of tears in his eyes.

"It was a long labour, twelve hours. When Hannah was finally born, Sam began to haemorrhage. It was bad, really bad, the doctors couldn't stop the bleeding. Jack had the SGC put in a call to the Tok'ra home world so that they could call me back, so that I could make it back to Earth in time to..."

Jacob's words trailed off , but it was easy to fill in the blanks.

So that he could get back to Earth in time to say goodbye.

My eyes slam shut, my stomach rolling with nausea at the thought that I could have lost Sam and I wouldn't even have known it.

"What happened?"

"Selmak." Jacob's mouth turned up in a small smile. "I made it back, but I guess I was out of it, worried sick about Sam and terrified that I was going to lose her. Selmak took control of the situation, he's not the wisest and the oldest of the Tok'ra for nothing. His been around the block a few thousand times, he figured out a way that they could stem the bleeding, using a technique that the Tok'ra have perfected in the removal of a Goa'uld from its host. He saved her life."

Jacob's head lifted up from watching his granddaughter, but the look on his face was not that of Sam's father, but of his Tok'ra counterpart.

"Samantha is like a daughter to me. To have lost her would have been unthinkable."

I cross the room in a couple of strides and kneel at Jacob's side, grasping his hand in mine.

"Selmak, thank you seems so inadequate. You don't know how much your saving her means to me."

"Oh, but you are wrong, Daniel. It hasn't been so long that I have forgotten the intensity of the feelings that one has for a mate, especially for those as bonded together as you and Samantha are."

"Bonded?"

"He's referring to bond mates." Jacob's face relaxes as Selmak once more retreats to the back of his consciousness. "It's a term the Tok'ra use when both symbiote and host fall in love simultaneously."

"You mean like Martouf and Lantash both being in love with Rosha and Jolinar?"

Jacob nods an affirmative.

"It's the highest kind of intimacy that the Tok'ra know. I guess on Earth we refer to it as finding your soul mate."

"It has a nice ring to it, Jacob, but I wouldn't consider Sam and I to be soul mates."

"Maybe you're right. I would expect a soul mate to fight for the woman he loves."

"Jacob, I explained to you why..."

Jacob raises his hand stalling the rest of my words.

"Just hear me out, you need to hear the rest."

"The rest of what?"

"Surely you're aware that you are not the only one that has feelings for my daughter. You must know that Jack has them too?"

A knot of anxiety takes up residence in the pit of my stomach.

"Are they..."

Jacob shakes his head.

"No. Jack has helped Sam through a lot, especially since Hannah's birth. He's been there for her, Daniel, when you weren't." Jacob's eyes find and hold mine. "Don't get me wrong, Jack is a good man, a really good man, but he isn't the right man, not for Sam and not for my granddaughter." Jacob's gaze locks with mine. "You are, Daniel."

"I want to believe you, Jacob, truly I do, but Sam's made it positively clear that she wants nothing more to do with me."

"Then change her mind."

"How?"

Jacob looks down at his now slumbering granddaughter, watching her as she softly inhales and exhales, her eyelids flickering as she dreams whatever it is that small babies dream.

He rises from the rocking chair and walks back to the cot. Once there he gently lowers Hannah back down onto the soft mattress and tenderly covers her over with her blanket.

He stares at her for a long time and I begin to think that he has either not heard or chosen not to answer my question.

Then he turns around to face me.

"You're a smart guy, Daniel, you'll figure it out."

With that he walks out of the room, leaving me to stare at Hannah's contented slumbering form.

A moment later I hear the front door close as he leaves.