Clary
I burst back into the apartment, trying to calm my erratic breathing. Why would Jace do that? He knows that this is just an arrangement. He knows that, but he kissed me anyways. A sob rises in my throat when Simon's face swims into my mind. Am I a cheater? What am I supposed to tell him?
I enter my bedroom and freeze in the doorway. Simon sits on my bed with an ashen face. "Simon," I whisper.
He shakes his head at me. "Clary," he says in a strangled voice. He's cradling his phone in his hands like it's something dangerous. There's a picture pulled up on the screen - a couple in an alleyway, locked in a kiss. The memory of Jace's lips on mine flood through my mind again.
"It was all him," I burst out. "He kissed me, and then I pushed him away."
"When I told you," he says quietly, "that I loved you. You didn't say it back."
My mind flies back to the day he said it. "Simon!" I gasp. "You know that I do. That I love-"
"Don't say it!" he yells, standing with his hands balled into fists at his sides. "Don't say those words."
Tears spark in my eyes, and my whole face feels flushed and hot. "But I do, Simon. Please listen to me." Do you really? muses the voice in my head. I furiously ignore it.
His eyes are wet behind his glasses. "You don't mean it like I do when you say it," he says softly, sadness lacing his tone. "And after all this time - after spending years of my life loving you in silence - you've never felt the same."
"Yes, I do," I cry, reaching out for him. He twists out of my arms and stands in the hallway.
"You don't have to lie to me Clary," he says. "I get it, okay? That I'm not the best option. I'm not rich or famous. All I've got is a little comic shop and a dingy apartment in Brooklyn." Loathing has entered his voice.
I frantically run my hands through my hair. "Simon, that's always been enough for me. You know that it has. I don't care about money, or fame, or any of that. I care about you." He shakes his head.
Simon doesn't meet my eyes. "I hope you know," he tells me quietly, "the kind of guy Jace Herondale is. Because you don't seem to get it. He'll mess around with you, but he won't care about you, and when you get boring he'll move on to the next one."
I open my mouth to reply to him, but he shuts the door and I'm alone in my bedroom. I throw myself down onto the bed and scream into my pillow, until my throat burns and no more sound comes out. I can't breathe, so I roll my head to the side, and pull the pillow between my arms. My breaths scratch on the way out, but I can't look away from the door where Simon disappeared.
God, how stupid I've been. How could I even think that pretending to date Jace would be consequence free? I never was one to keep up with celebrity gossip, but everyone knows how he is. Wasn't this the reason he needed a fake girlfriend in the first place? To crush the accusations of his shacking up with any girl who looked his way?
And now I've hurt Simon. He's been there for me for as long as I can remember. I can still remember the day we met. It was the first day of kindergarten, and I hadn't gone to preschool like the rest of the kids. I was so nervous, since I'd never been to school before, and I cried when my mom left. Then Simon came over to me and offered me half of his snack cake and sat with me, that day and every day after.
Almost all of my memories have Simon in them. What if he never forgives me? I'll be alone. I feel the tears coming on again and scrub furiously at my eyes. I hear the door to the apartment slam shut, and I know that he's gone. I could go after him, but it's obvious that he doesn't want to see me. I stand, as if in a trance, and make my way to the kitchen.
Isabelle keeps her stash of alcohol under the sink. I know she won't mind if I drink some. It's not like she isn't always trying to make me let loose and live a little, right? I select the first bottle I see and pour myself a cup. I take a big sip and choke, coughing as the liquid burns it's way down my throat. I rarely drink, and I've never had anything this strong. Even so, I finish the glass and top off another.
As I let the fuzziness cloud my mind, I still can't get rid of the ghost of Jace's lips on mine, or the brilliant gold of his eyes. My hands seek my phone by themselves, and the number to the only person I can trust pops up on my phone.
He answers on the fourth ring. "Clary?"
"Jon," I sob into the phone. "I messed up."
Jace
God. I know that she liked it, and that's the worst part. I bet stupid Simon's never kissed her like that. He treats her like a glass doll, like if he pushes too hard she'll break. And now, because I'm an idiot, I'll never get to kiss her again.
And the thing is, usually when I get a girl this mad at me, I don't care. She's always just another face yelling at me and telling me how much of a dick I am, and how she never wants to see me again. But for some reason, this time I do care, and I have no idea how to fix this. I've never wanted to make a girl like me again. But something about Clary is so different than all of the other girls I've been with.
I ball my hands into fists and push my shoulders back against the brick wall of the building across from her apartment building. Should I go up there and talk to her? What would I even say if I did? What am I supposed to do?
Whatever it is, I need to do it. I cross the street, cutting in front of a taxi, which veers away from me with an angry wail. I barely hear it. I can barely hear anything, with the blood pounding in my ears. I'm about to walk into the building when I crash into someone, sending both of us staggering backwards. I look up and see the one person in the world I don't want to see at the moment.
"Herondale," snaps Simon. "What are you doing here?" I study his face. His eyes are rimmed with red, and his hair hangs limply across his forehead. Something happened. And it's my fault.
I scowl at him. "I'm here to see Clary."
Simon's eyes flash. "She came home crying because of what you did," he snarls. His lip curls. "The last person she wants to talk to right now would be you."
"And how do you know that?" I fire back, feeling the familiar thrum of anger in my chest. "Do you speak for her now? She doesn't get her own voice?"
He shakes his head at me. "Don't act like you care about her at all. If you have a shred of compassion, you won't play her like you do everyone else. I don't care how famous you are. You have no right messing with Clary like that."
The words strike me. Does he think I don't care? Does Clary think I don't care? "I don't know what you're talking about," I snap.
"Everything was fine." Simon's voice is small and tight. "Then you showed up. She was happy, before you came in, and ever since you've been in her life, she's been miserable." He sighs, the anger fading from his expression, replaced by a look of resignation. "I've known Clary for almost my entire life. I know her better than anyone else. The best thing you can do for her is leave her alone."
With that, Simon turns and walks off down the street, his hands shoved into his pockets and his head down. I haven't felt guilty in a long time, but I feel it now. Simon clearly cares about her. Have I really screwed things up for her? I hope not. But hope doesn't get you anywhere.
I look at the scabbing cuts on my knuckles and frown. Maybe he's right. Maybe if I just leave Clary alone, it will be better for both of us. I still haven't forgotten my father's words from when I was a kid - that to love is to destroy, and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed. I've tried to live by those words for my whole life, and this is the closest I've ever come to straying from them.
So as much as I hate to say it, Simon is right. It will be better for the both of us if I stay far away from her. I trudge into the local convenience store. The sputtering lights above my head light up the dingy shop. There's only a couple of other people in here, and none of them look like people who would bother to recognize me. I quickly grab a few bandages and a bottle of water. I walk up to the counter, where a woman wearing too much blue eyeshadow has her earbuds in and turned up so loud I can hear her music too. I knock on the glass separating us and she jolts her head up, tugging out her earbuds. The music stops.
"You ready to check out, honey?" she asks in a voice touched by too many cigarettes. Her accent is very strong and very Brooklyn.
I nod my head and shove my items forwards. She looks up at me and laughs a little, a sound like paper being crumpled. "You're a pretty boy," she rasps. "Look just like on of 'em boys from the movies. And got such nice eyes."
She rings up my items. I don't reply. I don't know what I would say if I did. The hollow feeling in my chest continues to expand. "Here you go." The woman slides the bag full of my purchases forwards.
"Thanks," I mutter.
Before I can go, she reaches a hand forwards and clamps it around my wrist. Each nail is painted neon orange, but they're chipped and slightly grown out. "You know, you look just like that one boy my daughter likes. Jace 'erondale."
I'm really not in the mood for this. "I get that a lot," I say, my patience wearing thin.
She smiles. Her teeth are smoke stained. "She's a real cute girl, my daughter. You'd like 'er." The woman pulls a cell phone out of the pocket of her acid washed jeans and holds it up. "Mind if I take your picture? I'll tell 'er it was really 'erondale."
I can already see that she'll take one even if I say no, so I sigh. "Sure."
She holds up the cell phone and snaps a picture. "Drop in anytime, pretty boy," she tells me, finally releasing my wrist from her grasp.
"We'll see," I reply, shaking out my wrist and leaving the store. The streets are lit by lamps, but a few of them are out. As my eyes adjust, I can't help it when every flash of green, whether it be a sign or a tag on a wall, reminds me of Clary's eyes.
I'm sorry if that chapter was kind of boring, but here it is. Oh well. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. But I feel that it was necessary to the story. Does anyone here listen to Off Bloom? They're my absolute favorite band and I can't stop listening to their album! You guys should all go check them out. As usual, if you liked the chapter, leave me a review :) Thanks for reading!
