7 - Ego Mountain

"Alright, what now?" Meat Boy asked as Quote, Shovel Knight and Jack finally arrived back at ground level.

"We take that mountain by STORM." Quote said in a very proud and dignified fashion.

"Oh, please don't tell me you're going to play the f***ing Song of Storms again." Jack sighed.

"Oh, you'd better believe me, I WILL!" Quote laughed, pulling out his ocarina and playing the Song of Storms yet again, creating an instant thunderstorm. "We'll use this as a substitute shower since we haven't taken a real one in quite some time now!"

"PLEASE let me off of your BACK!" Jack whimpered, puffing his lips out and pouting.

"Okay, okay, fine!" Quote accepted, untying Jack from his back and kissing him on the cheek, which caused Jack to blush very brightly and embarrassedly.

"Man, what is it with you guys and...ME?" Jack asked as the four of them got onto the ski lift and traveled up Ego Mountain.

"Every big armored brute needs an adorable, cuddly little furball to keep them company, don't you know?" Shovel Knight giggled, swinging his left hand down like a cat paw, briefly taking Jack's hat off and ruffling Jack's hair up into a complete fluffy white mess with his right hand.

"Oh, you..." Quote giggled, putting his hands over his mouth like a schoolgirl.

"ENOUGH! Why you all so gay?!" Meat Boy yelled as the four of them reached their destination (the flat top of Ego Mountain) and stepped out of the lift. "Can't we just focus on the mission at hand?"

"You four will have PLENTY of time to be GAY when you're freaking DEAD!" Black Knight laughed, swinging his sword down diagonally at Meat Boy, who luckily leapt out of the way just in time.

"Foul beast! SHOW yourself! I DEMAND that you SHOW YOURSELF!" Shovel Knight yelled at Black Knight. "Wait a minute...you're Black Knight, aren't you?!"

"Of COURSE I am, Shovel Boy, what did you EXPECT?" Black Knight laughed, kicking Shovel Knight in the gut and sending him flying backward.

"It's a real pleasure to see you here, mates, but alas...while you four were busy being the biggest douche nozzles on the fricking planet, my brilliant PLAN was ALREADY coming together, and there was absolutely NOTHING that you stupid idiots could do about it!" Black Knight laughed arrogantly.

"Okay, first of all, it was the DOCTOR'S fricking plan, not yours, ass-face! And SECOND of all, EAT S*** AND DIE, YOU F***ING WALKING CLICHE!" Quote yelled furiously at Black Knight, pulling out his Polar Star and setting it to MAX power. "BEHOLD the POWER of the motherf***ing SPUR, motherf***er!"

"HA!" Black Knight laughed as Quote and Shovel Knight rolled underneath his massive horizontal sword slice while Jack and Meat Boy took the back position.

"You really think that that pathetic, puny little PEA SHOOTER can damage ME?! Guess what? YOU SUCK!" Black Knight laughed like a douche as Shovel Knight blocked his downward sword thrusts with the Shovel Blade while Quote charged up his Polar Star.

"You're going to eat those words like Jack eats fetuses!" Quote snapped at him, maxing out his gun's power as Shovel Knight and Black Knight engaged in a brief fencing match with each other. "Everyone! Time for a chain attack!"

"Ah, yeah, that feels nice..." Meat Boy whispered in relief as he urinated on the foot of Black Knight's mech.

"ROCK THROW!" Shovel Knight yelled at the top of his lungs as he dug a large boulder out of the ground and hurled it at Black Knight with his shovel, hitting him right in the face and dizzying him.

"LUNAR LASER!" Jack yelled at the top of his lungs, using Dr. Fetus' remote control to call a satellite laser airstrike that would be arriving in just a few seconds on Black Knight.

"WAVE MOTION SHOT!" Quote yelled at the top of the top of his lungs, firing a five-foot wide laser beam from his Polar Star at the exact same time that Jack's Lunar Laser made its arrival, forming a cross strike on Black Knight and busting a hole right through the top of the mountain, which, as it turned out, was actually a volcano all along!

"UGHHH...URGGH...AUGGGH...YOU KNOW WHAT? F*** THIS, I'M OUT!" Black Knight screamed with rage, ejecting himself from the cockpit of his mech as it sank into the lava and began melting from sheer heat (and was also struck by lightning in the process).

"SO LONG, SUCKERS!" he laughed maniacally as he flew away with his badass wings.

"Um, guys, this does NOT look good here, uhh...anyone got any ideas?" Quote asked, realizing exactly what was clearly about to happen.

"No need to worry, everyone, I've got snowboards!" Jack reassured everyone. "Everyone! Quickly! Hop on and go! There's no time to lose!"

The four of them leaped onto their respective snowboards and took off down the slick wet slope of Ego Volcano as the explosion of Black Knight's mech caused it to finally erupt, also resulting in the explosion of the cylindrical power generator for Microsoft Tower's forcefield.

"COWABUNGA!" Meat Boy yelled with excitement.

"And then his oh-so-handsome, shovelly love hit me right in the heart like- OH S***, A BOULDER!" Jack screamed as he swerved back and forth to avoid the incoming boulders that were tumbling down the volcano as he spoke.

"Okay, don't panic, remember what your old snowboarding instructor said!" Shovel Knight encouraged himself, unable to keep the image of Jack dancing while naked out of his head.

"Feels like I'm wearing...nothing at all! Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!" Jack was teasing him in his clearly-uncalled-for-at-the-moment fantasy.

"GAHHH!" Shovel Knight cringed. "STUPID SEXY GLASSES!"

"OW, MY CROTCH! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!" Shovel Knight yelled in agony as one of the conveniently placed stalagmites sticking out of the mountain flipped his board over and hit him right in the crotch, causing him to lose his balance and tumble down the mountain.

"OOF! OW! AHH! OH! OUCH! DOH!" Shovel Knight winced in pain as he was shaken around inside his armor with each impact; luckily, he eventually fell onto his chest and was able to grab his board and ride it again for the rest of the way down.

"Dude, seriously, learn to control your obsessions!" Quote reminded Shovel Knight as our heroes finally reached the bottom of the mountain and snowboarded their way down a very special trail marked THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

"Whew! What a grandiose escape!" Shovel Knight laughed, patting Jack on the back hard enough to make him spit one of his teeth out.

"And the environment was none the wiser for it!" Quote chuckled.

"Man, talk about deforestation!" Jack pointed out, seeing how many trees on and around the main path had been burned to death by the lava flow of Ego Volcano's eruption.

"Hmm? What's this thing?" Meat Boy asked, noticing something that looked like a giant circus cannon situated on a square mechanical platform.

"Looks like it's currently the only chance we have at making it into Microsoft Tower!" Quote realized as the four of them climbed up the small ladder onto the platform. "But first, let's grab our second cake ingredient, which just so happens to be lying around right here! HUZZAH!"

"Mmm, Hype Frosting! YUM!" Shovel Knight squealed with joy, shoving the package into Jack's belt pouch.

"Umm...are you SURE that this thing's aim is correct?" Jack stammered, quivering with fear. "Because if it isn't, then you owe me ten bucks."

"Well...here goes NOTHING!" Quote laughed nervously as all four of them loaded themselves up into the cannon. "Ground control to Major Tom: FIRE!"

"WE'RE BLASTING OFF!" all four of them screamed in unison as the cannon shot them all the way back from Canada to New Zork.