Emily's POV
It's not that I didn't talk to her unless I absolutely had to. My walls were up and strong, I accepted the fact that my feelings for her have not changed, but I accepted even more that I needed to keep my distance. It's what I had to do to keep my own sanity in place. The past months I thought that I could just completely forget about her, but something about her presence always seemed to chip away at my insides…I didn't like it. I didn't like that even the slightest bit of invulnerability could exist.
And that was fine, right? I mean it's not like it was the first time I have had to keep things to myself, that I've had to give up happiness. You're a lone wolf Prentiss. You don't need relationship, relationships just mean an opportunity to get hurt.
When it came to being out on the field I found myself being dangerously on edge. I would take risks that I probably would not have taken before. What normally would have scared me for dear life wasn't there anymore. It was like I didn't care if something happened to me. I had an inkling that Morgan might have noticed, but there was nothing he could prove at this point. On the outside, all it looked like was that was I was excelling in my job.
I spent every ounce of energy I had at work in the office. If I noticed a paper shortage at the printer, I made sure to fill it, if the coffee was running low, I made sure to time it so that I was there brewing a new batch when the pot emptied. It became automatic and eventually routine.
This didn't change when it came to JJ. I made sure I was in and out of her office before she knew it. I made sure my files were done and on her desk to avoid having her come up and ask me. I made sure she had a coffee during her usual time to prevent having to watch her walk down between the desks like a runway model. I even made sure that everyone else's files were submitted along with mine so she didn't have a chance to come out and visit other their desks. It sounded selfish, maybe a little mean, but it had to be done.
Today I ran the same routine as I slipped into her office 7 min before everyone else returned from lunch. I dropped the files from my desk into her in bin. I noticed the usual mess along her desk, her empty coffee cup from this morning, and like always I took it over to the break area, rinsed it and filled it, 2 milks and 1 and a half sugars, just like she always had it. I placed it in the middle of her desk, pushing the top drawer she always seems to leave open and bump into which I noticed from the times we used to come back from lunch together. I turned her office chair for easy access and then I took the large stack of files from her out bin. I frowned as I paused looking at her desk, asking myself why I did the chair and drawer thing. Coffee and files were to keep her off my radar, but the drawer and chair were just a little overkill wasn't it. I shrugged it off and excused it with the possibility of an extreme case of OCD.
Closing her office door behind me, I went into autopilot, walking by Rossi's office then Hotch's, delivering the corresponding files on the door bins. Throwing a few files on Morgan and Reid's desk, I made sure to take a nice hefty pile to keep myself busy. I plopped down at my desk, taking a quick glance in my peripheral, noticing a figure had been standing at the office doors.
As I sat I heard the doors swoosh shut, I quickly got down to the first file in my pile and pulled out a pen. Hearing the strides I could tell it was JJ. 'please don't walk up to me, please don't talk to me', I took a quick glance over the office. 'damn! I'm the only one here'.
"Hey" she sounded unsure of herself, I could tell. I glanced up at her "hey," I forced a slight smirk and then pretended that was I was completely intrigued by the case file in front of me. "Uh…thanks…for handing out the files" she said, forcing a little more assurance in her voice. I sighed internally, 'it's been weeks that I've been doing this and she decides to suddenly thank me now? Wait, is there something else to this?' I unconsciously bit at my lip 'No, I'm just being paranoid, why does she seem nervous, it's not like you really had to try that hard to blow her off, she's been busy with her own life, when has she suddenly had time to notice that you haven't been around. Hurry answer her back, she'll think something is wrong' "No problem, I know how busy it gets, and I pass by everyone's desk anyway" I placed my mind back on track, looking at the case file, I started to quickly make notes.
I heard the door open again, and the sound of talk and laughter. I glanced up as she turned to look at the group arriving through the office doors. I took the opportunity to get out of my chair and grab my own coffee, which was safely across the room and past the large group of people, far far away from my desk.
That's how it was between us and that's how I tried to keep it for the next weeks to come, until what would probably be the most horrible news I could expect happened.
