Author's Note: You guys have no idea how awesome ya'll are. The amount of reviews I've been getting is amazing. I appreciate all the kind words you leave for me and I smile everytime I open my inbox. This story will be carrying on for quite some time and things will most defintely not be resolved over night. I am all excited for next week's episode and throughout the night I've been watching Kelli Giddish in Chase as well. I will most likely be creating some form of theatrical trailer for this story at some point , if I can find the time. Anyway, enjoy this chapter and hold on to your seats - again- because this ride has only just begun!


Chapter 7

But I'm standing still, I'm standing still
As you leave me now
I'm standing still, I'm standing still
As you're walking out
I'm just standing still
~Roman Lob - Standing Still

She hadn't slept all night and Olivia felt like absolute hell the next morning when she walked into the squad room. Her heart was pounding in her chest and it felt as if her legs were made out of stone. She had a headache and felt sick. The bright lights in the squad room made her shield her eyes when she walked in and she flinched at the cacophony of noise.

"Holy mother of Mary," Amaro commented when he watched the brunette detective stumble across the squad room. "Did you sleep under an overpass or something?"

"Shut up, Amaro, or I swear to God I'll shoot you," Olivia groaned.

She didn't want to be here. She wanted to be anywhere but here. She had stared at her alarm clock all night, watching the numbers change. Eventually she'd gotten up around five and gone for an early morning run but she only felt worse when she got home. She dreaded facing Amanda. She didn't even know if she could physically manage seeing her this morning. Since walking in she had avoided looking at the desk where Amanda normally sat but she could only keep her back turned for so long. Slowly she turned and she gasped softly for air.

Amanda was talking animatedly to Fin, a little smile playing around her lips. She looked bright and relatively well rested but the one thing she didn't do was look at Olivia. She was leaning slightly across her desk and shared whatever she had to say with Fin. Dressed in a burgundy coloured long sleeved sweater and her favourite pair of jeans, Amanda looked as in control as she always did.

"Where do we stand on our open cases, folks?" Cragen emerged from his office and the team looked up.

Amaro grabbed a file from his desk. "Checked out our suspects' alibi again. It doesn't add up. Going to bring him in as soon as possible and grill him some more." He glanced at Olivia. "Thanks to Liv for pointing out the error that may very well lead to this case being closed sooner than we thought."

"Rollins?" Cragen asked and the blonde detective looked up.

"Overnight stakeout brought in nothing new. Wherever Richard Wyatt is, he ain't gonna come back to that apartment building anytime soon," Amanda said. "I did some digging into that ex-gay movement and found a few more members with dodgy backgrounds. Also, we had a phone call this morning from Sara Velasquez' mother. Apparently someone dropped off some hate mail at her house in the days before the killings. Fin and I will be heading over to Queens to pick it up later."

"You and Fin deal with the mother. Benson can dig a little deeper into that ex-gay movement," Cragen said. "While you're out, check in on Thomas Heath again. See if any of his little friends know something. I think they're meeting this afternoon."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Don't these people ever work?"

"God provides for them," Fin joked and the blonde chuckled.

She went about clearing her desk in preparation for her journey into Queens but she unexpectedly looked up and found Olivia staring at her. The dark rings around the detective's eyes told the silent story of a tormented night and Amanda swallowed. Her night had been no better than Olivia's by the looks of it but she'd be damned if she'd let what happened between them interfere with her job. She flashed a smile and grabbed her empty coffee cup from her desk.

"Can we talk?" Olivia had suddenly appeared behind her, effectively trapping Amanda between her body and her desk. Brown eyes locked with blue. "Amanda, can we talk?"

"Not now," Amanda said hastily. "I've got to get to Queens." She arched an eyebrow, forcing herself to remain strong. Her face didn't hint at any form of hurt. "Maybe later."

She managed to push her way past the older woman, her body tingling as they made contact, and left the squad room. Olivia turned around, ready to call her back, but Amanda had disappeared. Fin however still sat at his desk and he had watched their interaction. Slowly he pushed himself out his seat, rounded his desk and eventually reached Olivia.

"What the hell happened last night?" he asked.

Olivia swallowed and briefly looked at him. "That's what I'm trying to find out."

Fin took in Olivia's tired demeanour. He had seen her this fragile and broken twice before. Once when she'd first found out that Elliot had resigned from the force and the other time she had believed that Alex was dead. He wasn't sure he would ever forget the look in her eyes when she left Cragen's office or how she had stared at Alex's picture printed across the newspaper's front page. He had never thought he'd see it again but it was here now, right in front of him. Olivia was hurting. "Sure looked like something cracked off last night."

"Nothing that can't be fixed," Olivia said. She lied. She wasn't sure if any of this could be fixed. She didn't even know what this was, let alone if it could be fixed. How could you fix something that you knew was broken but if you admitted it then it would become too real?

She turned to look at the other detective. She didn't have a choice. She couldn't let this carry on for the rest of the day. Amanda deserved better. They both did. "Can you hold on for a sec?"

"You gonna talk to her?" Fin asked.

Olivia sighed. "I'm gonna try."

She walked out of the squad room and as soon as she came into the corridor she saw Amanda standing by the elevator. The blonde chose that moment to look up and found Olivia looking back at her. She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans and slowly started making her way back towards her. Olivia waited until Amanda reached her.

"About last night…"

"You really want to do this here?" Amanda asked and gestured around the hallway. "Where everyone can hear us? You really want to do this here, Olivia?"

"Fine. Have it your way," Olivia snapped and took Amanda's arm. She pushed the other detective towards the interrogation rooms and once they were out of hearing range she let go of her. Blazing brown eyes found blue and she shook her head. There were so many things she wanted to say but only one thing came out. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I think I made that pretty clear last night, don't you think?" Amanda replied and the dark haired detective blinked. Amanda didn't know where she found the strength to speak or how she even managed to stay calm. Inside it felt like a tornado was trying to destroy her but from the outside she looked collected and reserved. "I wasn't drunk, Liv. I knew what I was doing."

"You kissed me," Olivia said slowly. "Why?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. Her southern drawl was stronger than Olivia ever remembered it being. "You need me to spell it out for ya, Detective Benson?"

"Amanda, whatever this is, we can't let this influence us at work!" Olivia cut her off. She almost instantly regretted those words the second they left her mouth. Saying those words undermined everything Amanda had just said. Maybe Amanda did need to spell it out for her because a part of her didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to know that Amanda felt it too. That the attraction between them was mutual and that maybe they were both in love.

"Whatever this is?" Amanda repeated and took a step towards Olivia, entering her personal space. "It looks pretty clear to me, Olivia. I kissed you and you damn well kissed me back so either you're a very good actress or you feel for me what I obviously feel for you." She raised her hands into the air in desperation. "I've been trying to fight this for months, Olivia. For months I've been hiding inside myself, hoping you wouldn't notice even the tiniest bit wrong with me but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hiding who I am or what I feel because it's driving me crazy."

"Amanda." Olivia spoke the other woman's again, softer this time. She tried to take the blonde woman's hands but Amanda didn't let her. "I… I don't know what to say..."

"That's your thing, isn't it? You didn't know what to say to Cabot and you don't know what to say to me!" Amanda suddenly yelled. From down the corridor footsteps approached but she ignored it. "Is this what you do, Olivia? You let people come this close to revealing who they are and then you slam the door in their faces because you are too much of a coward to admit to yourself that you're human too?"

"Hey!" Amaro's voice interrupted Amanda's rant and the younger detective's head whipped around. The male detective had appeared behind her. "What's going on here?"

"I am just explaining a few things to Detective Benson," Amanda sneered. She glanced back at Amaro. "Who asked for your opinion anyway?"

"Rollins, watch it," he warned her. "Olivia still outranks you."

"You wouldn't think it, would you?" Amanda snapped back.

"Take a walk, Rollins," Amaro said as he walked round her and placed himself between her and Olivia. The calmness of his voice only infuriated her more. "Cool off and don't come back until you're ready."

"What, you're my captain now?"

Amaro fixed her with a piercing stare. "No but don't make me get Cragen involved in this."

"Nick, maybe it's best if you stay out of this," Olivia said softly. She felt helpless and lost. She wished she hadn't tried to talk to Amanda. She could have coped with the blonde ignoring her. She could have coped with anything but this. She couldn't face Amanda's angry eyes. "This is something between me and Amanda and it's bad enough that it came to this."

"I'm not stupid, Liv. Everyone knows something happened last night and whatever it is, you're going to have to work through it but I don't expect to have to separate the two of you in the middle of a corridor," Amaro said and turned to look at Olivia.

"Forget it," Amanda sneered. "Tell the captain I took a day." She turned on her heel and disappeared down the corridor before either Amaro or Olivia could stop her. Olivia stared at Nick, not sure whether she wanted to smack him for interfering or thank him for doing so. She chose the middle route and remained silent, giving him a dark glare as she walked away from him. She checked the corridor for Amanda but the blonde was already gone.

"Take it that didn't go well," Fin said when he saw Olivia walk back into the squad room. She had a face like thunder. "Where's Rollins?"

"Gone home," Olivia answered and fell into her chair. "God knows what she's going to do next."

Fin sat up in alarm. Only he knew about Amanda's problem and he also knew that addicts were more likely to return to their bad behaviours when they were upset or under stress. Amanda appeared to be suffering from both and he didn't even want to think about the possibility that she walked into some dodgy bar and placed a bet. His eyes darted around the room and saw Amaro come in. "Hey, you and Munch busy?"

"Nothing I can't handle on my own," Munch piped up from behind him. "Why?"

"I need someone to sit outside that apartment building and look out for Wyatt," Fin said and Nick shrugged, accepting the offer almost immediately.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked when she saw he was about to put on his coat.

Fin shot her a passing glance. "Making sure things don't get worse."

~()~

He had pulled up outside the bar and spent the past ten minutes studying the flashing Budweiser sign behind the window. He'd only been here once or twice before but his memory had brought him back here. Thick raindrops slipped down the car's windscreen and the monotone sound of the rain was mind numbing. The skies over the city were grey.

Fin dialled his partner's number and waited for it to go to voicemail. He wasn't expecting her to answer. His eyes widened when he heard Amanda's voice on the other side of the line. Almost immediately he looked back at the bar's entrance. "Where are you?"

"The usual place," she answered and Fin didn't have to see her to hear the defeat in her voice. "You lookin' for me?"

"Only if you want to be found."

"I'll be waiting," she answered softly and then hung up.

Fin got out of his car, crossed the sidewalk and entered the bar where he had met Amanda the night her bookie had roughed her up. When he entered he immediately found her sitting at the bar. She looked so small that he couldn't quite believe this was the same Amanda Rollins he had seen earlier that morning. She sat hunched over the bar, her hands clutching a steaming mug of coffee, and her her head hung as if in shame. The weight of the world seemed to be pressing down on her shoulders.

He put a hand on her shoulder when he sat down on the empty stool beside her. "You allright?"

She gave him a sideways glance. "I guess you were outside, eh?"

"It's a partner's job to know," he said knowingly. "Wanna tell me what happened with you and Benson?"

"I screwed up, Fin," Amanda said softly and stared down at the bar. It was covered in scratches and smudges. She chewed her lip and her fingers followed the shape of her coffee mug. She wasn't sure what she was going to tell him, or even what she wanted to tell him, but she knew she would have to talk to someone. This had gotten out of hand and there was no way she could make things go back to how they used to be. "I screwed up big time."

Fin looked at the southern woman. He'd learnt quickly that Amanda wasn't the type of person to share her emotions with others. In a way she reminded him of himself. He wasn't one to be open about how he felt and he handled things himself. Amanda was that kind of person too. It wasn't hat she was too proud to ask for help, it was more that she was too stubborn to admit that she too needed someone who looked out for her from time to time.

"Remember that night when I asked you if there was somethin' else you wanted to know about your new partner?" she asked. She didn't look up. She couldn't bear it. "Back in Atlanta, before things went down, I had a pretty good life. I even had a relationship." She snorted into her coffee. "Hard to believe, I know, but true. Anyway, we broke up and then somethin' happened on the job. I left and went to New York. Thought I could start over, you know, clean slate?" She shrugged. "I guess I didn't expect to have Olivia Benson walking into my life."

"What's Liv got to with all of this?" Fin asked.

"I'm gay, Fin," Amanda said and she slowly looked up. Tired blue eyes met his dark ones and she sadly smiled. "It was never a secret but it never really came up since coming here."

"So?" Fin said and put a protective hand on his partner's arm. "My son's gay. I ain't got a problem with that."

"I know," she smiled. "You asked if somethin' happened between me and Liv." She averted her eyes and picked her coffee back up. The mug felt warm in her hands. She felt so cold inside. Cold, scared and alone. "I didn't mean for it to happen but I guess that damn saying is true, eh? You can't help who you fall in love with?" She noticed how he suddenly sat up. "Yeah, trust that to happen to me. Falling in love with Olivia Benson seems like a recipe for disaster."

"You and Liv?" he asked. "You mean you two…"

She shook her head. "I didn't think she'd look at me that way, you know what I mean? Not until you said that she and Cabot used to be together. I don't know what changed but maybe it was knowing that perhaps she could feel something too." She took a deep breath. "Yesterday she said that she didn't want to be partnered with me anymore and we had an argument. Then last night she followed me into the toilets in Malone's and cornered me. We argued again and then…" She hesitated. "Then I did the most stupid thing I have ever done in my life, even more stupid than gambling. I kissed her."

Fin wasn't sure what to say. He had never been really good with relationships himself. His marriage had fallen apart long before it had even properly begun. He hardly ever spoke to Ken's mother. He wasn't exactly Father of the Year material but he was trying the best he could. He heard the defeat in Amanda's voice and took a deep breath. "I take it Liv didn't respond well?"

"She did at first," Amanda admitted and suddenly her cheeks turned a deep shade of scarlet. "For a few moments I thought that it had actually happened but then she pushed me away and said that we shouldn't be doing this. I just left her there and then this morning I pretended that nothing happened. She wanted to talk to me but Amaro interfered. I walked out." She put down her coffee without drinking it and the tears in her eyes appeared all to sudden. "I screwed up." A sigh escaped her. "I don't know what else to do."

"Have you tried talking to her?" Fin suggested.

Amanda unexpectedly grinned. "Look where that got me."

"Olivia's had her fair share of issues," the older detective said. "Her life ain't been easy. Like most of us, she's struggled with relationships and being in SVU doesn't seem to be doing anybody any favours."

"I know," Amanda admitted. "I can't stop thinking about her and Cabot. I saw them arguing and it just looked like there was more to it, you know. Like they still have unresolved issues between them." She wiped over her eyes, hoping that her partner wouldn't see the tears still lingering there. "That's probably why she pushed me away. They are back together and she hasn't told anyone yet. Look what could have gone down if she'd gone public about her and Haden. If she does that with Cabot the whole unit will be put under the microscope."

Fin looked at his partner. The pain written across Amanda's face was unmistakable. "I still think you should talk to her. You shouldn't leave things like this. They're going to fester and they'll destroy more than you think."

"Maybe you're right," she said and slipped off her stool. She forced herself to smile but the sadness in her eyes didn't fade. "I walked here. You mind driving me back?"

"Of course partner," Fin said and patted her on the shoulder as he walked her out of the bar. Just before they got in the car he looked at her. "Keep your head up, Rollins. Things like this ain't gonna get you down."

She smiled in thanks and slid effortlessly into the passenger seat of the car. She slammed the door and buckled up. Her heart pounded in her chest as Fin began cutting his way through traffic back to the precinct. She didn't know what to say and just stared out of the window. It was still raining and the city looked dark and dreary. She had grown to love New York, she loved what the city had to offer. She loved how easy it was to disappear here, to blend in and just fade away, but she had also come to hate what this city had brought her. She had try to flee from the hurt and heartache in Atlanta only to find that it had followed her here.

Fin parked outside the 1-6 and Amanda jumped out of the car. She ran through the lobby and managed to catch the elevator up. When the doors slid open when she reached the Special Victims Unit, she stepped out and made her way along the corridor. When she walked into the squad room her eyes immediately drifted to Olivia'd desk. It was abandoned. Her heart sank.

"Cooled down?" Amaro asked and she looked over her shoulder.

"Something like that," she said. "Have you seen Liv?"

"She headed out," he answered and took in Amanda's pale face. Her blonde hair was damp and he could see the raindrops on her coat.

Amanda brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and forced herself to remain calm. Her heart was racing in her chest. "Did she say where she was going?"

"I think she went out to meet Cabot."