This chapter is dedicated to ChainOfEvents1265. For some reason I'd left out your questions on my word doc…and I have no idea why, hopefully I haven't left anyone else's off! Anyway I'm TERRIBLY sorry, especially seeing as you have been reading and sending me in great questions, thank you for still reading!
Results of the poll:
Lily and James should get together:
YES
Remus and Sirius:
NO (just)
Inclusion of Snape/Malfoy/both:
I'm putting Snape in anyway. For one chapter at least, just to see if it works. If it doesn't, then he can disappear and we'll forget that he exists.
SNAPE WILL BE italics and underlined
Installment 7
Welcome back everyone. For this installment we'd like to introduce Severus Snape—
--also known as Snivellus…
…who will be helping us answer some questions.
What the hell is Snivellus doing here?
I invited him. I figured we needed some democracy here. If you have a problem with it, go cry in the corner. It's only for one installment, after all.
One installment, yeah sure. That's what you say now. Before long you'll be inviting Lucius Malfoy and his pureblood club and turn this into The Guide to Following Voldemort.
Padfoot, I think you're exaggerating just a little.
She's conspiring with the enemy! Prongs, you agree with me, right?
…
Okay so you're too busy glaring daggers at Snivellus to respond. But I think that's good enough. I say throw him out!
Oh for god's sake, Black, grow up. No one wants to listen to your whining. Now let's get into some questions…
Remus: (please pardon any insane interruptions, my inner fan girl is a bit...obsessed) What made you want to be friends with James, Sirius, and Peter, aside from the fact that you all share the same dorm- AMIGAWD AH LUVS U REMMIKINS -cough- Apologies. (xXsweetmusicXx)
I thought this was a nice…safe one to start off with.
Hmm interesting question. And I honestly cannot give you an answer to that one…
Oh how touching. We've known you for seven years and you can't say anything nice about us? Or me, to be more precise.
Well...sadly, no. I haven't forgotten your little outburst last installment, Sirius.
Sirius? Since when do you call me Sirius? Next you'll be calling me Black like Evans does. And before long it'll turn into 'that guy with the dark hair' and then—
That annoying git who won't shut up?
Yeah…something like that. And by the way, I did not have a 'little outburst', I was somewhat annoyed at the fact everyone 'LUVS' you.
Not everyone loves me. You had some interest from reviewers this time.
Hmph. Too late now, I am spiraling downwards into a pit of depression and despair.
And destruction.
Yeah, you have to try and fit in as many 'd' words as possible.
Dejection.
Depondency.
Desolation.
Death.
Oh, good one, Wormtail!
What do you think of the fact that there are crazy fangirls and fanboys messing up your lovely canon lives and putting you in to things like... say... angst AU's? (IceSnowAndGlamour)
Well, as you can see, Sirius is rather a large fan of angst AU's.
Stop calling me Sirius!
Annoying git who won't shut up it is then.
I personally love the ones where Lily gets raped by her step-father, and then I come along to save the day.
…you like stories where I get raped by my stepfather?!
Well no, but the part afterwards is always fun. Usually ends with a steamy X-rated scene in which I fuck you until—
--the story ends. Note the word 'story', i.e. FICTION, POTTER.
Well you could always make it a reality…
In those stories I suddenly realise that I am head over heels in love with a twat who makes sexual innuendos, provokes innocent people for fun, runs their fingers through their hair because they think it's sexy, and flies around on a damned Quidditch pitch like he owns the universe.
He doesn't sound so bad
One thing I don't understand is why Potter and Black mysteriously acquire six packs from twirling around on broomsticks.
Shut up, Snivellus, we didn't ask for your opinion. Some people just don't have to work hard to look good, you know?
You look like a girl…
I do not look like a girl, you look like a slimy grease ball! Oh my god! You've been hanging out with Lily and Peter in the garbage!
As attractive as that sounds, Black, I do have better places to spend my time.
To Snape: Who do you hate more...James or Sirius? (LupinLycanLover)
Oh heavens, what a choice…
Well, judging by recent trends, I'd say Padfoot. He's not having much luck in the popularity polls.
Oh shut up. As if it matters who Snivellus likes better. It's me, anyway. You were the one who dangled him upside down by the lake, and who tripped him over in the hallway, and who—
You were the idiot who thought it was funny to lead him into the Shrieking Shack…
Oh yeah, that was funny. Uh…at the time, of course. Bad idea, very bad. I regret it completely.
I'll bet. Anyway, as much as I love you two fighting over me, I really can't decide. It's rather difficult. Do I pick the egotistical Quidditch captain who's obsessively in love with a girl who's too good for him, or the equally egotistical womanizer who carries a mirror around in his pocket so he can check himself out at every possible moment? I think I'm going to have to phone a friend…
Hey! Don't bring Evans into this!
Too depressed that she'll never fall for someone as arrogant as you Potter?
Well she'd never go for someone like you.
Shut up, both of you! There will be no more arguing, I'm sick to death of it. Why can't you all just get along like normal people?
Well, I know I speak for Sirius when I say that some of us are not entirely normal…
Hey!
To Lily: Out of the marauders...who do you think is the best looking? Be completely honest! (LupinLycanLover)
Oh boy, this decision is almost as hard as Severus'.
Hmm, well you could be safe and go with me.
Or controversial and go with me.
Or just forget the Marauders altogether and go for me.
No one would ever go for you, you look like you haven't washed your hair in…well, ever. It makes me cringe just to think about it!
How about I just don't answer this question…
Oh no, you have to answer it.
What is this now, truth or dare?
Something like that. Besides, our readers have the right to know the truth.
Well Evans, if I must say so, I have a feeling I know what the answer is.
How the hell would you know that Black? Besides, its not like I spend my time thinking 'oh gosh! Like, which of the Marauders would I date if, like, I could?' like some stupid member of your fan club.
I think you do, Evans. Although, perhaps with a few less 'likes' thrown in there.
Oh please, I wouldn't waste my time thinking about things like that.
I heard you yesterday, talking with your friends after Charms. "Oh Alice, I don't know, Potter's a git but he's so good looking its annoying!"
I didn't say that…
She said that?
You said that?!?!?!?!
You know, Evans, I actually have some veritaserum here if you want to give it a go. I can guarantee I'm not lying.
What the hell were you doing, listening to our conversation? More importantly…why were you in the classroom after Charms when you usually rush out as fast as you can to ask Melanie if she'll consider an encounter with you in the broom closet?
Because Prongs asked me to spy on you.
He what?!
Yeah, which I can see was a great idea. You think I'm attractive, Evans.
Shut up Potter. It's not like it means anything. You can be the most attractive person on earth and still be a complete imbecile. You're the perfect example. Acknowledging you're vaguely good looking does not mean I like you. At all.
But you admitted it. You know, I think you're starting to crack, Evans. Sooner or later, you'll come to the conclusion that you'd really like to get me alone in a broom closet…
Oh don't make me throw up.
Don't you every morning, Snivellus, when you look at yourself in the mirror?
How can you tell if your an uber nerd? (ChainOfEvents1265)
What does uber mean?
I don't know, but it sounds like the sort of word you'd use.
Well, if you're like Evans, I guess you should be able to tell.
But she's not your stereotypical nerd…
No, you're right. That'd be you, Prongs, cos you wear glasses.
Shut up about my glasses! It's not my fault I have poor vision.
Well maybe someone who looks like you and acts like Evans.
See, Evans, we're the perfect team. But I'm too handsome and muscular to be a nerd. Aren't nerds really ugly?
You must be one, then.
Oh don't even try to lie to me, Evans. I know what you really think. Shall I take my shirt off again for you?
I think I'll live.
Evans, seriously, I think you have a problem sometimes. You work way too hard.
You mean I actually do the homework we're given and read the textbooks? Yeah, its quite difficult.
It is! I don't know where you get the motivation!
Maybe because I don't have the same desire to sleep with every person in the school, Black. That must take up a lot of your time.
To Sirius: How many times a day do you have to scrape your anus and get tested for venereal disease? I mean, with that much -activity, you must catch a lot. (rebornandrenewed)
(A/N: I don't know if sexually-transmitted diseases were well known about back then. I don't think they were.)
I don't really understand what that meant, but it sounds awfully painful.
I think she's implying whether or not you use protection when you're off sleeping with every person in the school.
Protection? I'm sorry, Evans, but not every female happens to be as violent as you.
Not that sort of protection, Padfoot.
Oh, of course. Well sometimes I do that charm thing.
Sometimes?!
Well, when I remember.
What happens if you get someone pregnant? And I'm pretty sure that doesn't stop you from catching some sort of disease.
You can get diseases from having sex? Oh god! I'm dying! Get me to a healer, quick!
Padfoot, would you give up all your magic for the sexiest girl in the world? Or would you choose to ditch the girl to keep your magic? (Sweet Sadie)
Why does everyone assume I'm some shallow prick who only cares about looks?
Yeah, who do these people think they are, judging you for picking the skinny, good-looking girls over the less attractive but more intelligent ones?
I know, it's so unfair. Hey, wait, was that sarcasm?
No, I was simply trying to empathise with you being typecast as a 'shallow prick'.
Oh, right. Thanks Moony, you know, I've always liked you better than Prongs.
Oh my, how the tables have turned.
I think I'd have to go with magic, though. Even if I can't have the sexiest girl in the world, I can at least have one whose relatively good-looking.
There's also the fact that you'd really suck at living like a Muggle.
Yeah, and I couldn't be a Marauder. You'd have to replace me with Peter or something.
Peter is a Marauder.
Oh, yeah.
Moony, would you rather be really popular but have not-so-good grades, or the most hated person in school with the best grades in recorded history? (Sweet Sadie)
Hmm, well I know what it feels like to be hated, and it's not the best feeling on earth. I think I'd rather have not-so-good-grades, and be popular. Not popular in the sense that I'd be like Padfoot or Prongs, but in the sense that I'd at least have lots of good friends.
Well you have both. You're popular and you have good grades. Imagine being the most hated person in school with the worst grades in recorded history…
Or the ugliest person in school with…the worst hygiene in recorded history!
Yeah I wonder who that'd be.
Yeah, so don't worry Peter, you haven't got it the worst. And remember, you beat Lily in Transfiguration once…
Oh MUST you keep bringing that up?
I recently broke up with a girlfriend and she's turned into a '' . It's really getting annoying. How do I get her to stop?(and don't say going back out with her.) (ChainOfEvents1265)
What's the '' meant to stand for?
Annoying bitch, perhaps?
Yeah but you don't know. It could always be 'an evil seductress with the power to destroy the world.'
Yeah, or it could be a 'deadly man-eating giant cockroach'.
Prongs, I think that's getting a little too far-fetched.
Oh, sorry.
Well, if we take the rather boring scenario where she'd turned into an annoying bitch, you just ignore her. She'll soon realise she obviously wasn't good enough to be your girlfriend and then go off and shag the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.
Why the Hufflepuff Quidditch team?
Because before she went out with you she'd already shagged the Slytherin and Gryffindor teams. And those on the Ravenclaw team are smart enough to realise she's a total whore.
Right. Makes sense.
My friend is stuck in his closet (kinda like you Sirius). Any advice to help him find the knob for it? (ChainOfEvents1265)
Yeah I tend to get stuck in closets a fair bit. It's awfully dark in there. I usually do a simple spell which allows light to shine from one's wand, revealing the precise location of the knob.
Some more witty and intellectual advice from Sirius Black.
I have a feeling the closet is metaphorical. As in, the person in question is gay.
Do you think if I cut my hair people would stop assuming I was gay?
Maybe if you stopped hitting on men.
But I only hit on you, Moony! And that's cos it's oh so much fun! And my advice would be not to even bother searching for the knob. Remain in the closet. It's a lot more exciting in there.
Not if the person was gay, Padfoot.
Well, no. Like me, they're straight.
But say, hypothetically, if they were gay…
Well I don't know. I'm not.
You keep telling yourself that.
Lily, are you stuck in the closet too? Because I know a few ladies you might like if you find your knob. (ChainOfEvents1265)
Oh I'd personally love to witness that...
But if Lily is 'stuck in the closet' then that pretty much annihilates any hope you have of ever being with her.
That is true. But if she won't go out with me, I could at least have the satisfaction of watching her having steamy sex with another female.
Yeah you wouldn't be the only one.
Back off Padfoot, Evans is mine.
Don't worry, Prongs, he knows that. I think the concept of two females getting it on is simply making him excitable.
What happened to me being gay?
Oh, well, if you've finally decided to come out…
I have not! I'm just wondering why you pay me out for being gay, and then for being a normal teenage male.
I'm just trying to confuse you into admitting that you are actually, in fact, gay.
Well, that's never going to happen, Moony. Much to your disappointment, I know.
Am I actually going to be allowed to answer this question?
By all means, Evans, go ahead. No one's stopping you.
Right well, ChainOfEvents1265, as attractive as that offer sounds, I must admit that I am wholeheartedly straight. And even if I was that way inclined, there is no possible way I would allow myself to provide perverted entertainment for males such as Potter and Black.
Oh come on Evans. If you won't shag Prongs, the least you can do for him is shag another female.
Sorry to break your heart, Black.
You're a cruel one, Evans. I think I'll live, but only if you make it up to me. Anyway, onto the most important part of the segment: the popularity poll. I'm evidently the most popular Marauder, but the fight for second place is fiercely contested by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.
Yes, last installment Moony appeared to have it won hands down, but this time round Mr. Black is offering some stiff competition…
Oh yes. There was Mood-chan, who happened to think that Sirius was hotter. And mcrmad also wants to go out with him.
And modelalxndra said she'd date him over any of the rest of us.
Yeah. Wait, what? Even me?
I think so.
Hmm…I'm going to have to have a word to her.
Ha! Take that Moony! I have female supporters out there after all!
Well, we all knew they wouldn't stay hiding for long. None of them love you enough to dedicate their pen name to you.
The author has, though! She's all that matters!
Alright then. SiriusLoverr, who wins? After all, you get to decide…
SiriusLoverr: Well, although admittedly I would date Sirius if the opportunity arose, I think Remus wins this popularity contest hands down. His fans appear to be more…enthusiastic.
You're abandoning me! What sort of Sirius fan are you? One who ISN'T. Remus fan, more like it. Why don't you just go and change your name to RemusLoverr?
SiriusLoverr: Okay, I'm going to stop making you act so dramatic and sulky now.
Meh, I don't need fans to know I'm the hottest one here. I could care less about a stupid popularity contest.
Yeah, and we all know I'd win it anyway.
Oh you all sicken me, you really do. Your childish fights over who gets the most attention.
Yeah, and you always seem to think its between you three!
Peter, mate, that's because it is.
No one in their right mind would choose you over the rest of us.
Ah, don't worry about them, Peter. They probably haven't gotten over the fact that you got asked on a date first. I must admit, beating Sirius was quite the self esteem booster, seeing as, well…he gets all the attention. But he can have them all, I don't mind.
(It's cos he's not into girls).
I heard that.
Well, that wraps us up for today's installment. Hope you all enjoyed it. Next segment we investigate the crucial question of Coke or Pepsi, discover Padfoot's inner desire to make the world a better place, and, well...your questions will determine the rest. Oh, and I finally win over the love of my life, Lily Evans.
Hmm, we'll see about that.
You're getting somewhere Prongs! She didn't swear at you once!
I told you. It's going to happen.
Can I just clarify that I personally don't see Sirius as a shallow, stupid, sex-obsessed prick. Before you yell at me for portraying him as such, note that this story is located under the genre of humour/PARODY. Same goes for the other characters.
Thanks SO MUCH to those who reviewed the last chapter:
LupinLycanLover, LadyKnightSusan, IceSnowAndGlamour, Lola-LessThanThree, ChainOfEvents1265, Mood-chan, luvnmarauders, modelalxndra, Rider Arya Svit-kona, wannariskit, RhiannonVega, BreakingFoundations, mcrmad and Sweet Sadie.
Thank you thank you thank you! Both to those who have been reviewing up till now, and those who've only just started reading. I'm really glad you like it, cos it sucks when you enjoy writing something and no one else really likes it that much. I promise your questions, if they are not in this chapter, will be coming up! If you've just started reading this, feel free to send in questions and criticism!
Should Snape be included in the next chapter??? (If no one answers, I'll assume you don't mind and I'll put him in. But I'd like to know if it works or not)
Oooh and...ONE MORE EXAM LEFT! Woohoo! Then three months of freedom, the beach, and partying it up until I start uni. And, of course, writing fanfiction. CAN'T WAIT.
