The Priestess of the Moon seldom thought in terms of gears and machines locking up, so she had no analogy for what her brain was doing when she saw the young human in her bedchamber. She was momentarily frozen, struck dumb, not only unable to think of how to react, but how she would even go about deciding how to react. WHY in Elune's name was a strange boy standing in HER bedroom, looking at her in her nightclothes?
"...Mulgore?" asked the boy again, looking as if he might be talking to a simpleton. "Green, rolling hills, Cairne Bloodhoof lives there?" He leaned forward, looking in closer, and squinted. "Hey, are you..." Then, his hands darted to his nose, half a second too late to staunch the veritable river of blood that came pouring out of it.
Tyrande's eyes darted downward, only now realizing how thin her mooncloth nightgown was, and her face flushed deep violet with embarrassment and anger. "What is the meaning of this intrusion?" she shouted as she covered herself with one arm. "What are you doing here? HOW did you get in here?"
At this point Ryoga could have explained he had gotten lost and he wasn't quite sure how he wound up in here either and he was very sorry for the intrusion but he didn't know this was a private room... but that would require him to be thinking rationally after accidentally seeing a pair of purple nipples, and experiencing the associated severe drop in blood pressure. Instead, he just screamed, turned around, and ran away. The Sentinel guards outside just heard a scream, then turned around to see an unfamilar human running from the direction of Tyrande Whisperwind's bedroom with blood coating his hands. With only one obvious conclusion to draw, they sounded the alarm, and pursued Ryoga into the dense Darnassian forest.
"Ohhhhhh, yes... thaaaaaat's the spot..." Prince Kael'Thas Sunstrider moaned in relief as the leather-clad succubus massaged him, grinding her elbow into his right shoulder. "Ohhhhh, Xia... I swear, the stress is just melting away..."
Xia, Mistress of Suffering, scowled. Prince Kael couldn't see it, of course, and she used her normal sultry and submissive voice to tell him "I'm happy to serve you, Master" -- she couldn't disrespect the prince of the Blood Elves by showing her disgust, or by turning down his requests, or by flat-out telling him what a creepy jerk he was and that's coming from a depraved demoness who intertwines pain and pleasure. No, the Illidari demoness had to smile and play along with the blood mage. But if she ever found out who told Kael she knew massage therapy, she was going to feed him into the gears of a Fel Reaver, feet-first and slo-o-owly.
"Mmmmm... oh, Xia, you're a miracle worker. It's a shame lord Illidan won't let me take you back to Tempest Keep." It's a shame that she bribed Mother Shahraz to tell Illidan she couldn't possibly spare her, Xia thought, but she just let Kael keep talking. "It's become so difficult in the Netherstorm lately, between the Scryers and Consortium, I'd work so much better if I could be this relaxed..."
His words were met by the unmistakable tone of Illidan Stormrage, and both Kael and Xia turned around in surprise. Illidan may have been a muscular eight-foot demonic Night Elf with horns and wings who left burning footprints, but he could be damn quiet when he wanted to be. "Prince Kael. You told me you had the operations in Netherstorm under control. Were you lying?"
"L-Lord Illidan!" Kael said with a start, and flipped himself over to face his master, covering himself with a towel. For just one moment, Xia actually prayed to the Naaru, hoping they'd be so surprised they would grant her request and have Illidan strike Kael dead. "Not at all! Our operations in Netherstorm continue excellently. Four Manaforges are operating at full capacity and we are well on our way to reclaiming the sattelites of Tempest Keep." He tapped his fingertips together. "Having the attentions of Xia would merely make things easier on myself, personally. A vanity request, nothing more."
Illidan looked away, lost in thought; though considering the fact that he was blind and used some kind of demonic sixth sense, the direction he looked didn't really matter. Kael wasn't worried about Illidan's anger, he was certain that any half-plausible answer would mollify him long enough for him to get distracted and start brooding about something else. What Illidan didn't know about his own operation would fill Deadwind Pass, Kael was the real power here. He wondered if the look on the demon hunter's face when he realized Kael had taken control and sold them out to the Burning Legion would be less satisfying when he didn't have any eyes, but he figured, it'd still be worth it.
And sure enough, Illidan let the subject drop. After a few seconds of contemplation, he 'looked' up and said, "Kodachi is coming. Prepare for her arrival."
"Lord?" asked Kael. "I'm sorry, I don't know who--"
"--ACK!" came a new voice, a young human woman. Without a flash or sparkle, without a snap or sizzle, a black-haired, black-clad human girl blinked into existence hanging about four feet above the ground in the chamber. She looked surprised and disoriented, but as gravity kicked in and she fell, she managed to land on her fingertips, push off and roll into a backflip to end on her feet with her arms raised high, looking satisfied. "What just -- Illidan-sama!" She ran forward and leapt at him, hugging him across his massive, muscular chest... and the demonhunter returned the gesture, gently cradling her in his arms.
Xia looked down at Kael, but his expression told her that, nope, he didn't know either.
"Illidan-sama! It's been so long, I thought I'd never see you again!" The girl looked overjoyed, but there was something in her expression that was off, something that Kael thought looked a bit... unhinged. "What happened to you? I see you're no longer imprisoned, but... who are they, and what happened to your head?"
"Kodachi..." he said, "I had begun to think you were nothing more than a figment of my imagination, a voice conjured by my own mind to break my maddening solitude..." He 'looked' toward Kael, as if answering the question he was about to ask. "Kodachi Kuno was one of the only voices I could hear in my millenia of imprisonment. Without her, I don't doubt I would have gone mad in that rank pit. Kodachi is my..." His lips began to form the word 'friend', but he cut himself off. "...my ally. I don't know, or care, how she's returned, only that she is here."
"Of course, Lord Illidan. You've just, never mentioned her..."
"Were I to tell you of every thing I experienced in Maiev's cage, Sunstrider, it would drive you to madness." And with that, he clearly considered the subject closed. "Kodachi... so much has happened since we last spoke..."
She put her hand on his chest reassuringly. "Tell me everything..."
The demon hunter and the girl in black walked away, leaving the succubus and the blood mage there to look dumbfounded.
"Huh..." said Xia.
"Yeah..." added Kael'Thas. He put one hand on his knee and drummed his fingers. "So, are we going to finish up here?"
Xia shuddered involuntarily.
Illidan returned to his private sanctum to recount the tale of his escape and ascencion to rulership, Kodachi fawning over him and hanging on every word. He didn't tell her the truth, but he didn't lie, either -- he truly did believe that the Night Elves were fools for denying the power of fel energy; that Tyrande was truly in love with him but trapped by her obligations as a Priestess and her relationship to his aloof, controlling brother Malfurion; that he was the only hope to save Outland from the Burning Legion; that the naaru were insidious manipulative masterminds who had all the peoples of Azeroth dancing on their puppet strings; and that he really did defeat Arthas Menethil in their battle over the Frozen Throne.
Kodachi didn't question a word of it. For one, she would never dream of calling Illidan-sama a liar. And for another, it all made perfect sense to her. She knew how people saw transcendent genius as madness and conspired together to destroy it with lies and sabotage -- it was the story of her life.
"...and now," Illidan said, finishing up his story, "the Legion's forces have pushed us back to Shadowmoon, the Netherstorm, and the Coilfang Reservoir, influencing all the areas in between. A'Dal plots something in Shattrath, something dire for us and the races of Azeroth. And Kil'jaeden may yet return any day to claim what he thinks I will return." He sighed and slumped over in his chair. "My freedom, in the end, has brought me little solace."
She held him from the side, rubbed his massive, muscled purple shoulder. "Don't worry such, Illidan-sama. On my world, great men like you are also reviled and resisted... but always triumph, in the end."
"...It is good to meet you again, Kodachi. Odd, that someone who I have seen so seldomly, who has so little in common with me, seems to be the person with which I can be the most open. This visit has done well for my spirit... thank you."
"Ohhohoho!" she chortled. "I do not wish to merely mend your spirit, Illidan-sama!" She flipped backwards, now standing in front of his throne as if properly addressing him. "If I was away for a longer time, I expect I shall be here for longer. And in that time I shall do all in my power to aid your efforts!" She produced a black ribbon from nowhere and twirled it over her head as she spun on one heel. "Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose of Furinkan, is at your service!" She stopped with a flourish, then bowed deeply.
Illidan laughed. First with surprise, then, with menace. Kodachi joined him, and their dark mirth echoed throughout the halls.
"Well met... my Black Rose."
"Follow me, companions!" the human paladin shouted as he let his trusty war hammer descend on the skulls of the serpentine guardians of Coilfang Reservoir. "The Light is with us! Together, we shall rid this part of the world from the evil Naga!"
With battlecries, the other 24 members of the Alliance group that had accompanied the paladin stormed through the pumping station of the Naga. The Naga Sirens and Myrmidons standing in their way tried with all their might to stop them, but they were being smashed by warriors, scorched by mages, impaled by rogues, shot by hunters and mauled by transformed druids.
"This way!" the paladin yelled and raised his weapon. "This time, the ruthless reptiles will see no mercy! Come, their vile leader is this way! We shall slay her and nevermore shall their presence plague Outland!"
Together, the raid group stormed into the innermost chamber of the Serpentshrine Cavern with drawn weapons and spells ready, intent on eradicating the evil Naga that was awaiting them, the henchwoman of Illidan Stormrage.
But, just a short moment later, the group became very quiet when the humans, dwarves and elves looked around the room in confusion.
It was completely empty... except for one little creature that was standing in front of them.
"What... what is the meaning of this?" a mage mumbled. "Where is the Naga leader? And what kind of creature is that?"
"It... it almost looks like a mushroom..." a female elven druid murmured.
The small Sporeling smirked at the raid party.
"I'm terribly sorry... but our Lady is in another castle!"
Lady Vashj chuckled to herself when she imagined the looks on the faces of the Alliance fools that had dared to invade the Coilfang Reservoir. By the time they reached her chambers, she would already be on her way to her Lord Illidan.
The six-armed Naga sea witch and her entourage were on their way to the Black Temple... to inform their lord that their preparations in the reservoir were complete.
"Lady Vashj," one of her myrmidon guards hissed as he slithered up to her. "Was it wise to leave the reservoir to the surface dwellers?"
"They won't find anything of interest in there," Vashj smiled. "They won't get control of the pumps without this." And she reached up with one of her six hands to touch the gleaming, bright blue crystal that was dangling from her neck. "And if they try to destroy them... well, that will trigger my trap."
"What kind of trap, mylady?" a siren smiled. "Something devious, I'm sure?"
"Oh, nothing too fancy," Vashj laughed. "It will just trigger a mechanism that will open the flood gates... and since the poor surface dwellers never learned to breathe under water..."
The sea witch's laughter was joined by that of her personal guardians as they continued to slither through the Zangarmarsh swamp, on their way to Shadowmoon Valley and the Black Temple, where their Lord Illidan was waiting for them.
They didn't expect any problems on their way, since the only group of Alliance adventurers had been lured into the Coilfang Reservoir, and there was no alarming Horde presence in the marsh at the moment.
Therefore, it was an even bigger surprise to Vashj when, all of a sudden, a tiny man with wrinkled skin appeared in front of her and her guards. For a moment, she believed him to be a gnome.
The gnomish man grinned as his eyes sparkled. "Pretty lady..."
"How foolish of you to get in our way, Alliance scum!" a myrmidon hissed as he raised his trident.
"You ever felt a lightning bolt hit you where the sun don't shine?" a female Naga cackled as she charged an electric spell in her hands.
But Happosai wasn't worried by the hostile snakemen. His gaze wandered up and down the bodies of Vashj and her sirens.
"Well, a bit too scaly for my tastes, but not too shabby... at least you look much better than those two-headed ogres I met..."
Vashj blinked in surprise.
"My lady, that... was that just an insult... or a compliment?" the siren next to her whispered.
"Step out of our way, gnome!" Vashj hissed. "You're not worth our time!"
Happosai didn't reply. Instead, his eyes wandered down the sea witch's body. "Dangit, no panties?" he whined as he saw her lower snake torso. "Oh well... but maybe I can take your bra. Would you horribly mind?"
That was the final straw. "KILL THE PERVERTED GNOME!" Vashj yelled as she raised her bow. The other female Naga didn't really need an invitation to strike, they channeled all their feminine pride and outrage into their magic and fired their spells at the diminutive form of the perverted master of Anything Goes.
Happosai giggled as he skipped, jumped and bounced to evade the arrows and spells of the Naga. "Missed me! Too bad! Oops, was that supposed to hit?"
The male myrmidons felt a bit left out. "Um, excuse me, my lady..." their captain said in an uncertain voice. "Are we supposed to do something?"
"STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTION AND KILL THE OLD FREAK!" Vashj yelled.
And then, she felt something zip past her... and suddenly, it felt a bit drafty around her upper body.
While blood came spurting out of the male Naga's nostrils, the sirens cried out in horror: "Lady Vashj, cover yourself!"
The sea serpent quickly covered her breasts with two of her six arms. Never before had she been this humiliated before. "G-get him, you fools!" she squeaked.
Happosai, however, was already on the retreat. While he was fleeing, he only stopped here and there to fondle a siren's body. He then jumped up on a big boulder and took a deep sniff from the yellow bikini top he was holding.
"Hmmm... a bit fishy, but not too bad!" he cackled... and jumped in the air just when a well-aimed blast of lightning hit the boulder he was sitting on. Laughing to himself, Happosai kept running, until he had managed to shake off the pursuing snake creatures.
"Well, that was funny," he said to himself. "Too bad I haven't run into human beauties with soft skin yet... oh well, but this is Outland, what can I expect?"
Humming to himself, he snuggled Lady Vashj's top close to his body, before hiding it in his clothes.
"Well, since I'm here again, I might as well try to find good old Akama... he always was happy to share a drink with me, every time I came for a visit..."
Humming happily, Happosai continued his way through Outland, only stopping here and there to pummel a little beast that made the mistake of attacking the old pervert.
"Bweeeee..."
Ryoga was not in good spirits. He was wet, in his cursed form... and of course, lost again.
Escaping from those women with the purple skin and the pointy ears - from what he knew from Cairne, those must have been Night Elves - hadn't been too easy, especially not since the forest was their home and it had taken him several hours until he found the way out of the woods.
Later, he had strayed through the Barrens, hoping to meet someone that would finally show him the way to Mulgore. So he was lost in a faraway, magical world, fine! But in that case, he wanted to be with someone he knew at least... and Chieftain Cairne of the Bloodhoof tribe was the only one who fell in that category.
Too bad he had stumbled into that tribe of four-legged horse men. They weren't too tough, but they made him stumble into the oasis they were guarding. And as a small, black piglet, the Barrens suddenly seemed much bigger than normally.
Ryoga hoped he'd find some sort of human settlement - or ANY settlement, for that matter - so he could turn himself back to normal with some hot water.
But while the next being he ran into had two legs, it still wasn't a human... or a Tauren.
Gorsha was big and strong, even for an Orc. But she also had a big heart, and she loved all the cute, fuzzy, scaly and crawly critters that were living on Kalimdor. So it was no wonder that the young, inexperienced Orc had chosen to become a hunter.
And just a few hours ago, she had been taught how to catch a wild animal and tame it as a pet. And now she couldn't wait to find a little guy who could become her best friend.
When the towering Orc woman saw Ryoga's porcine form, a big smile appeared on her face. "Oh, a little piggy! How cute!"
She was a bit disappointed that it wasn't a full-grown boar, then she could have used it as a pet.
"Oh well, he would still make the cutest little companion if I caught him... come here, little fella!"
Ryoga thought of running away... but when the green-skinned woman held out her hand and moved it hypnotically in front of him, he found that he couldn't move... he was enthralled by the gestures she made.
Gorsha smiled. "Good, little piggy! Just you wait, you and I will be the bestest friends... and I will snuggle and cuddle you until you're out of breath!"
'Well, every world seems to have its Azusa...' Ryoga thought. 'But why is it me who always runs into these weirdos?'
Author's Notes:
Part one, two and three of this chapter have been written by fellow author Atropos.
In case you really didn't get the joke, the sporeling is a reference to the Toads of Super Mario Brothers, and their infamous quote of 'Sorry, but our princess is in another castle'.
I also took a few liberties in regards to Coilfang Reservoir and the plans of the Naga, since I haven't been in Outland yet in WoW.
