Title: Questioning Fate
Author: Syrai
Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)
Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama
Pairings: Kate/John/New character triangle
Status: WIP
Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.
A/N # 1: What I want to point out is that... I know. As Forsaken pointed out in one of our convos, my timeline and the future seems to be different from the movies. But you know, after the movies screwed their own timeline up, I dun think it matters anymore. :laughs: I thought it through when I started writing and realized Robin just doesn't fit into the original timeline and therefore there are few lil changes. Hopefully it doesn't bother you lots. Anyway, I'll try to explain it all along the way but if you have questions, feel free to throw them at me if needed ;) It's the butterfly effect people, it's the butterfly effect! Can't expect everything to be the same after everything's happened, screw the fate ;)
A/N # 2: Yes?
6
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
Every day of my life the dreams still hunt me one way or another. Awake, sleeping, it's the one and same. They won't leave me alone no matter what I do or rather, what I don't. Don't fall asleep Robin, don't fall asleep. I'm so tired, my whole body's exhausted and yet I keep hanging between two different worlds; the past, the future. Completely unable to sleep, as usual, because I'm afraid of what I'll see if I close my eyes. Horror, sorrow, pain… Even now that I'm partly awake, I can see flashes of my past flickering in my mind. They're never about the present time because for me there is no such thing. I'm reliving my past as someone else.
"Sarah junior!" I try to catch the young girl's attention by raising my voice a bit louder. She's sitting on the floor beside Reese, two bright eyes looking up right at me holding such innocence that it almost stops your breathing. "What?" But, oh no lady, the sweet and innocent act ain't gonna work on me. I'm not your father, you know. Still, the smile visits my lips briefly before I raise my voice yet again. "Sarah, quit playing with your dad's gun! Those things are not meant for children, I've told you hundreds of times already." She makes a pouting face but as usual, I ignore it. "Fine", she says with a sour tone and throws the gun down to my feet. Good girl. "I'll just go play with someone else's gun then." Or maybe not then.
Even opening my eyes every other minute doesn't prevent them coming. Doesn't make them go away.
Daniel. Daniel has the bluest eyes I've ever seen. The most beautiful blue eyes, if I may add. He's lying on the blanket underneath me, gently painting my neck, my sides, my back… He whispers something to my hair but I giggle too hard to actually hear. I don't even care, not really. This is how it feels to be loved; this is how it feels to love. This is what being happy means. I can feel him smile against my cheek, hot breath tickling my neck and I breathe in his enchanting smell. How does he always smell so good?
I just want to sleep, you know. Forget that I ever came here, forget Kate… forget John. Forget what I'm trying to do. Back at my time I partly enjoyed staying up, watching him sleep. Sometimes he even smiled while sleeping, not often but sometimes. How can something so small turn out to be the highlight of your day? The moment you long for? Observing him is simply my thing. If I can't do that, well, then I don't want to stay awake. Simple. Now, sleep damnit.
Like so many times before I'm holding the child in my arms and running from those chasing me. Running as fast as I can, hoping they'd get lost, hoping that someone would come and save us. I know how it ends; I've seen it way too many times. Suddenly I'm there again, on my knees in the middle of all that junk, pressing the baby against my chest. The blood on my face… I feel dizzy… "You fucking bastard! You killed her! You... killed… Joy."
My eyes snap open. What was it that woke me up so suddenly? Oh, one look around me and I see I'm not alone in the room. What now?
Then it hits me. Shit. How can it be morning already when I barely even slept? Time. Time's a tricky thing and it never quite works the way you want it to. My gaze brushes over him and my first reaction is a painful swallow. Is he trying to make things harder for me on purpose, seriously? There he is, sitting in an armchair next to the sofa wearing nothing but jeans. Am I supposed to look away or would that seem too odd? Then what? Keep staring at his chest? Acknowledge the fact there's no scar on his left side, no bullet wounds to be seen. Not yet. All the memories we share… aren't there, probably won't be either. Knowing that hurts like hell. Knowing everything I know, remembering it all, it just fucking hurts and there's no way around that.
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
"Who's Joy?"
Huh? The question takes me by surprise and makes my forehead wrinkle nastily. Oh my gods, how can he know? "What?"
The look he gives me is breathtaking. So soft... "You talk in your sleep."
Man, I'm so stupid every now and then. I should've guessed that actually, I've heard it way too many times. The saddened smile stays on my lips only for a second, too brief for him to notice it. "I know", I say before my brain even registers the words coming out of my mouth; "You've told me." No, no, no… Fuck, if I don't learn to keep my mouth shut, I don't know what'll happen. I'll buy a doll and smack myself with it, yes.
"I've told you?"
The real question behind his words is there even though he doesn't let it out. "I mean… all of you, you know. We've been forced to share the same spot more than once." Notice how I used the word 'forced' which means I didn't do it willingly. That'll solve the issue, hopefully. Because if I didn't do it willingly, then it proves there's nothing going on between us. Why is that I feel he's onto my secret? He doesn't have a single reason to suspect such thing… I'm seeing this, hearing what I want. Do I really want him to fall in love with me here and now? No, that's not the plan!
"So who's Joy?" He asks not even realizing what kind of effect those words have on me. Deep, sharp breath cuts my throat. Gods, why couldn't he just forget his original question and move on? Still, I hear myself answering; telling him the truth. "She's my daughter." Okay, well, not the whole truth obviously, just one half of it.
"You have a kid?" His voice sounds more than surprised. What, am I not the motherly-type?
"I did", I reply, voice cold, "She died."
"Oh… I'm sorry", he lets out after a silent moment, nodding once before smoothly changing the subject, "So, what's your next move, York?"
"My next move?" Suddenly I'm not that sure anymore. I have to go with my original plan, don't I? Yes, it's the only way I know and see. "I…I need to speak with Robert."
"Why?"
Why do you always have to question me, Connor? Sometimes I get the feeling he truly doesn't have faith in me. I understand why he doubts me now, but still it cuts somewhere deep down. This is how it always goes and realizing that doesn't really bring me any kind of comfort. I always thought he would change, hoped he would… but I know he'll stay the same. It's his thing I suppose, questioning everything and everyone. Since his childhood he's known he'll be someone important and you can't deny the fact that doesn't go to your head, can you? I try to convince myself that it's ok… people should question others more often anyway, right? Good society is one where people dare to question others' decisions, isn't that what he used to say?
"Because the virus is on loose again, Connor", I reply trying not to sound rude because it's the last thing I want; him to attack me verbally. This dog barks more painfully than it bites, I've been there. "It's slowly eating their database and they don't even see it. I need to tell him, I need to make him find a way to defeat it 'cause I honestly don't know how it could be done." Sad, I know, but I have no clue. No one really does. It happened so quickly; the Judgment Day. On top of all, it's hard trying to make sense of what happened when our equipments don't seem to match with the machines… not till recently, that is. Whatever it was the discovery John made, he never told me. One day the war just got a whole new direction and all he could say was that it wasn't supposed to happen this quickly, not yet, not for many years. To him it seemed so wrong somehow. I don't know what he meant because I don't know what he knew from the future. I guess the one he got wasn't the one he expected. "The butterfly effect" was the only decent reply I got.
"How much do we have time?"
I shrug. "I don't know – about a week?"
The look on his face makes me want to hit him. Just quit questioning me, please! "You don't know?"
What's with him here? Just because I'm from the future doesn't mean I know every little detail there is to know especially when he's the one who's been so determined to keep them from me. If I did know, don't you think the issue would have been handled by now, huh? "I don't, ok? Who knows how time works, anyway? Something might've changed; it could be earlier… it could be later. All I know for sure is that it will wake up unless we kill the bitch first."
"How?"
Goddamnit! "How the fuck should I know?" That's it. I'm going to get dressed and get this thing done before I lose the little control I have over myself. I need to get back in control here, have the power over him. So in order to gain that, I do the only thing I know has any kind of effect on him. I get up and let the blanket fall down. Well, I was going to get dressed anyway. Automatically he looks down, clearing his throat as if to tell me there's something wrong with the picture here. His whole body tenses and his elbows land on top of his knees. It's funny what you can do to a man just by using your body. I suffocate the feeling of guilt – he was begging for it!
"You're from the future…"
"Yeah and that just solves it all", I throw back angrily. My clothes are on the floor, wrinkled but I don't really care. I pull the pants on first without rushing one bit. Of course I feel uncomfortable, but at least it gives me more time to escape his stare. Getting away from him is what I need right now. "Look, we never found out. It's how it happened in my reality. One day the bitch you thought was dead raised its head and woke up. Blew up the world, almost literally and that's it. The Judgment Day came and there wasn't a single thing we could've done."
I notice how he quickly glances at me when I bend over to pick up my shirt. Never ever have I felt like this… like the glance he steals would be wrong, forbidden. Maybe because by the end of the day, it truly is wrong. Kate wouldn't appreciate it, would she? No.
"For someone who claims to fight with me on my side, you don't know that much."
Can I smell an accusation, you son of a bitch? Great, just because I don't know everything you assume I'm one of the bad guys? Remind me never to come to try and save your ass again. "Yeah and guess who can be blamed for that?" Can you feel the cutting tone pierce your skin? Tell me you can. "It's your problem you wanted to keep me in the dark. What goes around comes around." Just keep barking boy, it'll come and bite you in the ass.
He picked up my angry tone, I can see it from his eyes, but for some reason he chooses to ignore it. Instead he asks rather softly, "Was I trying to protect you?"
Me… well… I mean… Probably you were just trying to retain your control over me, eh. "The hell I know!" I groan nondescriptly, "No, I don't think you were. Listen, I don't care about that at the moment. All I want to do is contact Robert. Can I do that here or do I gotta flee?"
I receive a slight, approving nod. Maybe he realized that asking questions I don't want to answer is not the way to go. My big bad blood hound is more like a little puppy dog in this reality? Hmm. "Here. You want me to call him?"
Finally we're getting somewhere! "Okay, great – I can do it myself, just give me the number…" Then, all the sudden I realize something's missing. Someone. The panic catches me quickly. "Where's Kate?"
"I dunno, she had already left when I woke up and she doesn't answer her phone. Out I suppose, have had a rough couple of months…"
I figured that much, stupid. "Oh shit." If you only knew half of it, Connor, you wouldn't sound that casual. You wouldn't sit there worrying over Skynet, no, no. You'd be worrying over her as you should. Men are blind when it comes to these kinds of issues, I see. Now it's time to take my original plan under execution, even though it doesn't really hit me. "She took the car?"
"No."
Good. "Then give me the car keys, John, and don't ask a thing or I'll fucking smack you."
When you think things couldn't possibly be any worse, it's when you usually come to see how wrong you can be.
The bottom's never what you imagine it to be, isn't that what they say? There's always a chance to slip lower; always. Life has its own ways, I suppose. So, I woke up in the morning only to realize the woman we had taken into the hospital the night before, had her beauty dreams on our sofa. On our goddamn sofa! I was shocked to say the least; it wasn't exactly what I had expected to find after dragging myself downstairs in the morning. I can't believe I didn't see her when I came home after midnight… No, how didn't I hear her snoring when I came home? She's almost as bad as John is, really.
Speaking of him, John had fallen asleep on our bed with all his clothes on; I guess he had been waiting for me to come home. Normally I'd find that sweet and adorable, but not this time. Probably did it out of guilt. I did what every loving wife would've though, I removed his shoes and pulled a blanket over him before I went to take a cold shower to clear my mind.
Everything's fucked up right now. The world, my life, my head. Now, which one should I worry over again?
I woke up in the morning before neither John nor the mystery woman had even opened an eye. Carefully, I pulled my clothes on, brushed my teeth and left. It was two hours ago.
Doctors and hospitals freak me out. The neutral smell that fills the hallways, the whiteness of the walls… scared people, sad people… You need to trust your life on the hands of a stranger's and pray you'll wake up after whatever it is they're doing to you. Have faith… what if you don't? That's why I avoided going there earlier today, though my appointment should take place in 15 minutes. I couldn't bare the thought of sitting there, waiting for my turn. Still can't but I can't exactly avoid it any longer either.
If John ever finds out what I'm about to do, it'd probably ruin our marriage for good. Lately thing's been a bit off between us anyway. Whether it's because of me, or because of him is rather irrelevant. Maybe it was me… in fact it probably was me who started to question our fate. Yes. But that's not the problem with us when you think of it… the fact he didn't have the answers I needed was. Still is.
It's almost 9.30am. The busy street keeps throwing people at my face, slowing me down. People keep running into my shoulder, some apologize, some snort, some just ignore it. And I keep walking ignoring them back; trying to figure out what kind of part do they have in the future? In my future? What role will they play? The mother dragging a little girl down the road with her; are they among the people that actually do survive? Are they going to see the future I've been told will fall upon us, will I be working with them, fighting by their side? These are the kind of thoughts I don't want to be thinking… but which I can't hold back. John's not the only one who sees nightmares now days… I think they're contagious.
Thank God I can already see the hospital.
The thing I hate the most when it comes to using Time Displacement Equipment is the fact you can't take anything with you. No clothes, no weapons, no anything. I can deal with the pain if I want to, I've been too well trained to let it bother me even though I'm young and it's ok that you find yourself completely naked too. But the fact you must remember all these little facts you've been told just kills me. Every little thing they've ever said I have to try and remember, dig up from somewhere inside my head. They told me about this place, told me stories and drew me pictures, literally. They tried so hard to make me see things that used to be, learn all kind of things. Like addresses. I never knew why they told me all that – it's not like I needed that information back there but still I didn't mind. In fact, I loved sitting there listening to dad and York telling that stuff, laughing and remembering. For a moment there, they seemed almost happy and you don't see them happy too often, so.
This world scares me almost as much as it fascinates me. I can't help but stare at the people passing me by, searching for familiar faces. Only I can't find what I'm looking for, not a single familiar face. No machines hovering above us, no sounds of war making children cry and no one chasing me, trying to kill me. It's strange because I never thought I'd see this.
Maybe I'm still in shock… after all, everything did happen pretty fast.
I'll pull through though. I feel already warmer now that I have too big t-shirt and skirt covering my body. Things are starting to lighten up already which is great.
"Here you go." A plate filled with food appears on the table in front of me. The speaker is a nice older lady who for my fortunate found me wandering around the streets naked without any place to go. I don't even remember that part myself, all the sudden I just were here. An hour ago my mind woke up, you could say. I found myself sitting in her warm cozy kitchen and smelling all the different smells that I've never smelled before. And for a short moment I forgot what I'm here for.
"Thank you", I thank gratefully and grab the fork to stuff food into my mouth. I don't care what it is that she gave me, all I know is that it smells good and looks as delicious as it smells…. and I'm also very, very, very hungry.
"Tell me more about the woman you found yesterday, Gloria." She takes the seat opposite of me, puts her elbows on the table and just smiles while watching how I eat. I never knew my grandmother Sarah, after whom I was obviously named, but I wish she was like Gloria. Sweet and caring.
"Well", she starts glancing out of the window before she turns to look at me again, "I found her lying on the ground naked near the place where you were."
Good to know my plan actually worked and my brother, Reese actually managed to do what I told him to do. Usually he simply fails to do so. Of course, dad will so spank him when he hears who helped me get through the security men but maybe he'll eventually understand why I did it. If Robin can do it, I can. I might be a kid, only 10 years old – almost 11 though, but I'm one damn smart kid. Wasn't dad a bit older when the terminator attacked him for the first time, anyway? Who says children aren't capable?
"Did she say something?" I ask after finishing my meal. Maybe she said something that'll give me a hint of what she's going to do? I know why she's here, sorta, but not how she's gonna deal with it all. If I could just find her and tell her everything dad told me… everything would be so much better, for all of us. I know I'm not gonna get to go home anymore, I'm stuck here only because they don't have the needed equipments to make that happen yet but it's ok. I didn't want that kind of life and without Robin it'd suck anyway. I'm just wondering what'll happen after everything? Will I fade away from the world? What about when the Sarah jr of this time is born? What'll happen to me? What if she's not born?
Maybe I shouldn't worry these things, just yet anyway.
"So, did she?" Obviously, Gloria looks a bit suspicious. Guess this doesn't normally happen to her every day. "Why are you so interested?" She asks frowning, examining my face. She does what Robin always does, tries to find the answer from my eyes. Well duh. Just ask the question and we'll get this done.
"Do you know her?" She questions. There, it wasn't that hard.
Heh. You bet. "I'm not supposed to tell, but yes", I reply smiling, "she's my stepmother and I need to tell her something."
"I'm sorry darling, but I have no idea where she went." She looks disappointed somehow which is the last thing I want. She's too nice person to feel that way. It's not like she could've anticipated this one before hand and asked Robin to leave a note telling from where to find her or anything as absurd as that. So there's really no need for her blame herself when you think of it.
"It's ok, really", I say. Wait a minute… From where the thought hits me, I have no idea. "Hey, can I… maybe… call my dad? I remember the number, but…" I swallow. Darn, why is it so embarrassing to admit that…
"But?"
Well. "I haven't ever used an actual phone before…"
Again, the question is easy to see shining in her eyes, but she doesn't ask. Only smiles bright eyes sparkling. Must be wondering what kind of weird childhood I have had. Pretty weird, I'd say. "Oh my, well, just drink your milk and we'll make the phone-call after that, alright?"
Wohoo! "Peachy." Things are definitely starting to go my way. I empty the glass with one gulp.
A/N # 3: Since I'm very passionate Staind-lover the song's obviously "Epiphany"…by Staind. Chapter where there doesn't happen that much but oh well :rolls eyes, again: Oh, and just know that feedback feeds my soul. And my muse gets lots of energy out of it, too… and the muse keeps me writing, when it has energy to do so. You do the math.
