Holding hands under the kitchen table. Changing gazes during practice. And stealing kisses in the showers.

It felt like it was just too good to be true. Raphael was too good to be true. Sure, he still drove me mad when he just couldn't understand my technological projects, and he still freaked me out every time he got a bit late from a ride on his bike.

But his golden eyes telling me things his tongue never would, his huge guns – also called arms – around me, his cocky laughter and his warm hands on my cheeks… It made it all worth it.

One evening, about two weeks after the incident in my lab, I began thinking. Thinking about stuff like how he got so… Confident. I think that's the word. He never even hesitated to kiss me, never had second thoughts about giving me one of those tight and secure hugs. I didn't mind, of course, but I began to wonder how he got like that.

I grabbed my cup of coffee. We were sitting on the rooftop, watching the glowing and pulsating New York City. When I sat down next to him, he grabbed my hand and sighed happily. I couldn't help but smile; I never saw him like this before.

I took a sip of my coffee and leaned my head on his shoulder, shivering slightly when a wind made its way over the rooftops. He switched hand to hold onto mine and put his arm around my shoulders.

I didn't want to spoil the evening or the bright mood, but I wanted some answers to my questions. I swallowed.

- Raph?

He hummed.

- Can I ask you something?

He leaned his head towards mine.

- 'course.

I licked my lips, once again fighting the words in my head. He had some strange way of making my tongue stumble on itself whenever I wanted to tell him something important. Usually, I liked it.

- How did you get so good at this?

He slightly turned his head to look at me, and then gazed out over the city again.

- Good at what?

I hummed, trying to figure out how to put it. Once, he told me that I think way too much before I actually say anything. Maybe that's true.

- Kissing. Holding me. That stuff.

I felt him getting stiff but I kept still. His reaction kind of worried me in some way. I didn't want to push him, but… It felt like I needed to know that story. He was hiding something from me, and that twisted my stomach.

Seconds flew by before he said anything.

- 'm a natural, I guess.

He chuckled, trying to convince me that nothing's wrong. I sighed, and he soon understood that I didn't believe him. He groaned and shifted, gently clenching my hand.

- Donnie, trust me. Ya dun wanna know.

I looked at him, surprised that I actually got him to say that much. I wanted even more, though.

- I'm sure I can handle it.

I noticed my voice cracking a bit at the end of my last word. Even though I knew that the answer I was seeking probably would make me feel bad, I felt as if I needed to know.

- Really, Donnie. Drop it.

His determined words fired me up even more. The feeling that I knew would take over my body was already there, lurking in the dark. I swallowed again, determined to keep my voice steady this time.

- Tell me. I want to know. And whatever it is, I won't blame you.

I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb and tried to smile gently, but he still kept the same face. I dropped the smile.

- I'm not worried 'bout you blamin' me.

His mumble sent a shiver down my spine.

- Just… Tell me. Please.

He looked at me, a bit caught off guard.

- Donnie, s'riously-

- Please?

I intentionally cut him off, now looking at him with pleading eyes. The pinching lump in my throat was growing, but I wanted to hear it, even if I probably knew already.

- Alright…

He shifted a bit.

- Ya know when I left a couple of weeks ago?

I nodded, painfully remembering those awful days I spent at home without him.

- Yea. Well, I kinda… I had a lot on my mind. A lot of feelings I didn't understand.

I nodded again, slowly this time.

- So I drank. An' got into fights.

Well, I kind of knew about that already.

- And uh… I tried to get rid of the feelings. I tried to stop thinkin' 'bout ya.

First, I got flattered and even a bit happy. Then, I wondered what he did to get rid of what he felt.

I waited for him to continue. He looked at me, eyebrows wrinkled. He groaned loudly.

- Ya dun need to know this.

- But I want to.

He sighed and I sat up straight, putting my cup of coffee on the ground.

- I...

He took a deep breath. I, on the other hand, didn't breathe at all. I knew it was coming.

- I slept with some people.

Still couldn't breathe.

- I slept with a… A lot of people.

I started to shake.

- I-I see.

My voice cracked.

I tried not to feel hurt. I really did. I tried to be understanding; I tried to get my ego out of the picture. That had been his way of handling his feelings, and I shouldn't have anything to say about that. I tried to get the thought of Raphael having other relationships with other people before me out of my head. I tried to accept it.

It didn't work.

He clenched my hand, but I couldn't clench back. I couldn't even look him in the eyes.

The thought of me not being his first kiss. The thought of someone else getting him before me. And the thought of me being replaced bysome people.

I bit my lip, let go of his hand and stood up. He was on his feet faster than I thought was possible, and grabbed my hand again. I didn't respond, busy trying to keep the feeling of worthlessness from taking over my body.

I felt like trash. Garbage.

A worthless piece of unwanted garbage.

- Donnie, look at me.

I shook my head.

- I said look at me.

He jerked my arm to the side and forced me to turn around. I closed my eyes. He growled.

- For fuck sake, look at me!

I whimpered and turned my face away from him when I opened my eyes. He breathed shallowly, clenching his empty fist.

I took another deep breath.

- Raph, I just want to… I need to be alone.

He shook his head.

- I dun think so. Yur' not bein' alone. Not when ya have that look on yur face.

I blinked, still trying to resist the feeling that came creeping closer with every second. I started breathing with my mouth open. I didn't feel the air rushing to my lungs and my body got burning hot and freezing cold at the same time.

- Let me go.

He shook his head.

And the tears came streaming.

- Le-het me go!

I tried to jerk my arm free from his grip, but I couldn't force enough strength into my body. I was clumsy because of the hurting and my eyesight blurred. I sobbed violently, trying to slam both my hands in front of my face. I didn't want him to look at me. And at the same time, I wanted him to see what he did to me.

Resisting was pointless. He dragged me into his arms, and I put my forehead on his shoulder.

I wanted to hate him. But instead, I loved him even more than before – the hurting inside of me confirmed it. And I was so, so scared of him leaving me, no matter the reason.

I dragged my palms away from my face and placed them around him instead. I dug my fingers into his shell, keeping him from moving away.