Death, Be My Friend
By Miss. Bra
VII: Esme
Every Betrayal begins with trust – FARMHOUSE, PHISH
I followed Carlisle out the back and watched as he took off his cream sweater and set it on the back porch. I slipped on shoes that were abandoned there and tied back my hair with a stray band.
"Are you ready?" He asked me, grinning his perfect smile. "We're going to go a little further, there are stocks of bear around fifteen minutes run north, going up to Canada."
"Y-Yes," I said nervously, coming to stand at his side. He smiled at me gently before taking a stray piece of hair I had missed.
"Hmm… Sorry," He said, a little distracted, his tan eyes fixed just above mine. "I'm sort of a neat-freak. Just ask Edward."
I believed that. Not once had I seen the perfect Carlisle Cullen with a hair out of place or his clothing improper. For a moment I dwelled on that. What circumstances would create his clothes to be improper?
I smiled at him briefly as he pulled away, putting his hand back to his side. "Let's go then, just tell me if you can't keep up."
Carlisle kept his pace slow, always turning back for me, watching my movements as I tried to navigate through the trees as skilfully as he did. Though everything was in absolute, undiluted detail and I could see everything for miles, I was still nervous running through the forest, where everything was around me. It was the feeling of being trapped in again and it scared me.
"Carlisle!" I called, worried when he appeared out of sight. My voice was shaken and wounded and he came to my side quickly, one hand pressed against my lower back, his eyebrows puckered over his worrying eyes.
"Esme, are you alright? We're almost there… What's wrong?" He asked me. I took in a few breaths, a few calming breaths and could taste the bears close. They were alluring, though I wasn't that thirsty.
"I just need a moment, I'm sorry, Carlisle," I begged, clinging to his arm, feeling the skin through his thin, cotton work shirt.
"Take all the time you need, Esme, its fine," He assured me calmly, steadying me. "What happened?"
"Nothing, nothing," I reasoned, shutting my eyes, taking in breaths of the bear, though I didn't need to breathe. The feeling of Carlisle near me was overpowering, I felt his hand rest on the top of my head and the caress of his finger against my forehead. "I just need a moment."
"An undesirable memory?" He asked me slowly, carefully, his perfect voice shaking slightly.
It was a moment before my lips parted and answered him shakily. "Yes… Yes… Undesirable."
"Will you be alright?" He asked, coming to sit in the forest floor with me. "Do you want to share?"
I pondered sharing my past with Carlisle, knowing that I could trust him fully. I had trusted him since I had known him and I knew his reaction wouldn't be as bad as Edward's. But, I didn't… want him to think down upon me, I didn't want to think that I was weak or unfulfilling.
My mother's and father's farm was always a haven. As I was growing up and as I would play while dad worked the fields and mother baked for him, I knew how special the old farm house was.
And when Charles abused me for the first time, I went home, crying to my parents, wincing from the bruises that covered my body.
"Please mother, don't make me go back!" I cried to her.
"What the hell did you do?" Was her venomous reply.
"What, mum, please, I didn't do anything…!" I cried. Why didn't she believe me, why was she taking his side? Why didn't she love me?
"You're lucky a man like Charles loves you; that he will take you for all of your faults. How you have disrespected yourself by coming here!"
"Mum, please, I don't understand, I thought you loved me! I'm your daughter!" I slammed my fists against the ground, creating bruises there too.
"You are to serve him, which is your job as a wife. He is everything to you and if you have to learn that the hard way then so be it." She rose from the rocking chair that she always used to sit in, cuddling me against her chest when I was younger. No, this woman wasn't my mother. "How you have disrespected yourself by coming here. Why would any other man want you now?" And then, her hand came in contact with my cheek and I fell to the ground of our little cottage, sobbing loudly, my skin showing all the bruises that my husband had given me. Was this love? Was this what everyone had been going on about in my novels? Was this the feeling of love?
"Do you want to tell me?" Carlisle brought me back and I realized I was shaking in his arms. One hand was still resting on the small of my back, steadying me, but the other was now on my shoulder, squeezing it softly. "Please, Esme, I don't want to see you suffer anymore. Talking helps, really, Esme."
I opened my eyes and he was smiling softly at me, though his eyes were clearly stricken with worry. The bears had moved on now, but he hardly seemed to care. My hand was still resting on the top of his arm.
Carlisle sat in the mud with me, the trees around us and the forest was thick for miles to see. However, his smile took everything away, the slight turn of his lips and the creeping flashes of perfect teeth.
I pulled myself angular to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer.
"Please, Carlisle," I whispered, burying my head into the crook of his neck.
"Oh, Esme," He whispered back, his lips near my ear as he pulled me into his lap, cradling me gently. "Shh… Shh…."
He hugged me the way I wanted him to, the way I had always imagined it. I wished I wasn't damaged material, I wished I was as pure or as clean as he deserved. I wanted to be a better woman in the eyes of Carlisle, to deserve to be at his side. My body wouldn't allow for tears to flow, so I was crying tearless sobs into his chest.
"Oh shh, shh, Esme," His hands ran through my hair and I clung to his arms. "Shh, shhh."
I tried to control myself, rationalize that it was wrong for Carlisle to see me like this, but the sobs came and I couldn't stop them. His arms were supporting me and his head was buried into my neck, his whispering tickling my skin, soothing me.
"What's wrong, Esme?" He asked me, his hand running through my now loose hair. "I can't stand to see you miserable, Esme, please tell me, it's killing me."
"Is it a sin…? Carlisle?" I asked him.
"Oh, is what a sin, Esme, is what a sin? You could never sin; you could never, shh, shh." He was rocking me back and forth now, slowly, rhythmically like a mother would to her child.
"To desire another man other than your husband?" I choked out, my fingernails digging into the fabric of his shirt.
"No, no, no, no," He said quickly, softly, trying to calm me, knowing that the logical answer was yes. "Shh, shh, why are you afraid, why are you afraid?"
"He'll come after me, he knew, oh god, he knew…" I choked out. I knew he never did, but the nights when Charles never gave me a reason made me believe that he did. He knew of my secret love for the doctor, he was punishing me for it. The bruises disappeared, but as soon as they did, a new set would appear again. Everything would heal eventually. Everything physically.
"Everything heals, physically, bruises and cuts and scars…" I murmured against him. My words must have been painful mumblings to his ears. "I'm… broken… Carlisle, I'm so sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry."
"Oh Esme, there's nothing to be sorry for, tell me please… I can't stand to see you like this. I can help."
"My husband… My baby, oh, Lincoln…." I said painfully. "He hurt me…"
"He what?" It was Carlisle's snarl in my ear that made me start to tremble. "Esme, oh, Esme, tell me what happened. Please, tell me Esme."
I took control of myself, breathing in and out before I spoke again. Carlisle, it seemed, was trying to calm himself also, breathing in and out slowly, his hands coming to rest around my shoulders.
"I married… I was… married off…C-Charles… And… I loved him… until," I trailed off. I couldn't finish it. I couldn't bring myself, but he needed to hear it, I needed to tell Carlisle- the only man in the world that I truly trusted. "He abused me in ways I can't forget..."
"Oh, Esme, oh sweetheart…" He whispered, his hands returning to smooth my hair. "Shh, everything's alright now, everything is alright."
He wanted to me to stop, I knew he had heard enough of the story to put the pieces together, but I had to tell him more. I had to get it out now; I didn't want this man to torture me any longer.
"My parent's didn't believe me… He was a good man for accepting me, how needy and weak and imperfect I was…" Carlisle shook his head against my shoulder.
"They were wrong, they were wrong, you are perfect, Esme, you're perfect, there is nothing wrong with you; you are perfect…"
"I left him when he tried to kill my child… He tried to kill me and my child and I came to Ashland…" I was whispering against his shirt, playing with the buttons, letting my hands run up to his neck but never anywhere else inappropriate. "Lincoln… died… and I knew Charles would come after me… There was no where else I could go… so… I decided to leave."
"You could have seen me, you could have found me, Esme," He whispered. He was being irrational now, but I didn't care. The feeling of his hands against my hair, caressing me so softly was alluring and I closed my eyes, resting my cheek onto his defined shoulder.
"Shh… Shh… Shh…"
"The bears are gone, Carlisle," I whispered.
"I don't care about the bears, I don't care about the bears," He hushed.
He was still rocking me, keeping me cradled onto his crossed legs, one hand in my hair and the back of my head, the other wrapped around my waist. I took the opportunity of out closeness and took in everything I could. He smelt so sweet, yet musky, the very essence of the woodland itself. His skin radiated with warmth, though in my youth it used to be cold. His hair, oh his hair, was a perfect blonde in the moonlight, perfectly in shape, glittering with softness. I ran my fingers over his locks slowly, wondering if they felt the same as they looked. They did and I felt his laboured breath against the nape of my neck.
And then he pulled away from my shoulder and turned to look at me. I almost died when I saw the sadness that was being reflected in his tan eyes. "Thank you, Esme," He said softly, one hand coming up to caress my cheek. "For sharing…"
"I… feel better," I replied unevenly. Carlisle nodded silently, his lips pursed slightly. "I'm sorry… for dumping this all on you. I don't want you to…" He raised a hand to silence me.
"If you will live happier than there is no need to apologize, Esme," He said softly, his lips turning up into a smile now. "I'm glad you trust me so much." Then, he offered me his hand. I took it awkwardly, as I had never shook a hand before. "Friends," He said softly. "You can tell me anything."
"Yes," I said slowly, not really knowing what that meant. Did he only want to be friends? Or… friends that told each other everything, which the other could trust fully on another level other than friendship? Was I looking too far into this? "Friends."
He took my hand as I shook it and I marvelled how soft and warm his palm was. He pulled me to my feet as he got up and grinned suddenly a little freakishly. Never had I seen Carlisle look like more like vampire, though I had hunted with him on a rare occasion with Edward. Carlisle always slipped off to find something larger for Edward. I didn't know why Edward didn't do it himself, but it was always Edward with me. It was a relishing difference for me to be hunting with Carlisle now.
"I smell lions," Carlisle noted, "Edward will be disappointed."
I smelt the air now, my thirst prominent and the smell of the nearby mountain lions was absolutely alluring.
"Now, you have to watch out for their claws," Carlisle cautioned me, "Of course, they will break on contact with your body but your clothes will be ruined."
My clothes, oh my clothes! How I wanted to save my clothes. How embarrassing would it be to me if Carlisle Cullen saw me without a shirt on? Though, he was a doctor, so I'm sure the view wouldn't be the first to him. But the sheer embarrassment of my nakedness of him, him stuttering and quickly unbuttoning his shirt to offer me would be unbearable. And imagine Edwards's reaction when he slipped into my thoughts, wondering why I was wearing Carlisle's shirt.
"Have you ever had lion before?" Carlisle asked.
"No," I replied slowly, tuning my mind back to reality. "Edward caught one once."
"Edward doesn't come this far out now with you around," Carlisle murmured, "He likes to stay around the house."
Something in the pit of my stomach told me to take the comment as an insult but I couldn't. It was Carlisle, for heaven's sake. There was nothing insulting that this man could say. "Because I'm a newborn, I get it," I said quickly. Carlisle turned to look at me, horror stricken across his face.
"Yes, because you're a newborn," He said, almost defending himself. "Not because we don't trust you as a person, Esme. I trust you with everything, as I trust Edward, but as a newborn, your instincts can overwrite your morals. It happened with me, it happened with Edward." And then, he cleared his throat and shifted into waist length grass. He ushered me to follow and I did, not as skilfully as he though. "But your progress is amazing, Esme, I have to say I am very proud! I know you're still along way away from your anniversary but you are going so well."
I smiled as I came up to crouch near him. He raised a finger to his lips, his eyes flicking to a lioness that lazily made its way through the clearing, not sensing any danger. "Take it by the back, bite down in its throat and bring it down."
I shook my head, "No, you first."
He grinned a wryly smile. "If you say so," He said.
Carlisle hunting was more than I expected. He let go of all of his human strengths and became purely instinctual. Had I ever seen what a real vampire was, it would have been Carlisle hunting.
His carnal state didn't scare me. He was obviously a lot stronger than I was, even in my newborn state. He was perfectly agile in the way he ran, dodging the feeble swipes that the lion made at him. And then, when he grasped the lion's neck and brought it down to his lips, he was still amazingly perfect.
"Do you want some?" He offered me after the blood started to flow and the lion fell limp in his arms. "You look thirsty."
I approached him slowly and he grinned, handing me the lioness carcass. Slowly, I brought my lips down to where he had bitten, where blood was slowly seeping out from the two teeth marks.
The blood was sweeter than an Elk- which was really the only animal I had hunted. I found myself wanting more after the first drinking. Carlisle didn't seem phased that I had eaten all of his dinner and went on to bring down a bear as the night went on.
"Esme, come try bear," He offered me, sucking most of the blood out himself.
"No, no, I've had enough, really," I said, stepping back slightly. I was anxious to get back to the house, I didn't like looking messy and disgusting in front of Carlisle, who, was still amazingly perfect. I hadn't ripped my clothes, but they were muddy, as was my hair and face. My curls were now dreadlocks of mud and caramel hair. Attractive!
"Nonsense, there isn't much left, come try a little bit," He coaxed me, ushering me forward with the hands that I had so dreamt of.
I gave in and sat down next to him. He gave me the neck of the dead bear and I sucked slowly, closing my eyes against the fur.
The bear's blood was another experience altogether. It was rich and powerful, like straight alcohol that I compared to when I was human. It was thick blood and a little went along way. It wasn't a big bear, barely an adult but the little blood left was enough to fill me up to the brim. I took my lips away, finding a taste that was distinctly not bear. I was glad I could not blush when I realized what it was. Distinctly Carlisle was all my mind could think of.
"That was different all together," I said as I managed to compose myself. Carlisle grinned.
"Isn't it?" He said, getting up, tossing the carcass to the side. "Come now, Edward will be lonely at the house."
"Yes," I agreed, though not for the part about Edward. I could care less about obnoxious, nosey, meddling Edward. I wanted a shower however and if I had to put up with Edwards horrible comments, the so be it. I would relish the day that he got a girlfriend. I would pay him back hard.
"And you still look amazing," Carlisle commented. I snapped my head up.
"What?" I gaped.
"Well, you're clothes are in perfect condition. They may need a wash but other than that, they are fine!" He said in a congratulatory tone. "Very nice, Esme. Edward walked around naked for weeks."
I really didn't want to picture Edward naked, but the sheer embarrassment of the situation was amusing to me. "Edward is being a little…"
"Edward can be obnoxious when he wants to be," Carlisle said as I struggled to find a lady-like name to call Edward. "But his hearts in the right place and he just likes to play around. I only wish I was home more often for him, he does get rather lonely."
"Yes, and I have to be the one that stays at home with him," I grumbled, pulling my hair back as we walked slowly-ish back to the house.
"I'll try," Carlisle said. "But I can't guarantee."
"Edward needs a girlfriend," I mumbled slowly. Carlisle suddenly laughed heartily.
"What?" I asked him sceptically. "I think he does. He needs some other melodramatic teen that accepts and understands him."
"Edward told me I needed a wife once," He chortled, one hand pressed lightly to his stomach, his lovely eyes squinting as he smiled that amazing smile. "A little before you came. I knew I was neglecting him and that it was an excuse to stay home from work more. A wife!"
"And you dislike the idea?" I asked him slowly. He cocked an eyebrow. "As friends, Carlisle, as friends, you dislike the idea?"
"I never said anything of the sort," He replied. "I would like someone very much. It's just that… I have been alive for hundreds of years and I have never found… anyone."
"Well…" I started nervously. "You found me."
"Yes," He replied, seemingly a little distracted. "I guess I did find you- A good friend." He straightened up and then spoke again, a little shaken. "Esme?"
"Yes Carlisle," I replied a little breathlessly.
"Would you…?"
"Oh, yes, Carlisle…"
"How do you feel…?" He was struggling with the words now and we had stopped, just outside of the house, in perfect earshot of Edward.
"Passionately, Carlisle, really…" I replied, knowing what was going to slip out of his lips next. Then, I would leap into his arms, wrap my legs around his waist and kiss him fully on the mouth, weaving my hands into his too perfect blonde locks.
"Oh, I didn't know you felt that way, Esme," He said slightly relieved. Oh yes, Carlisle. "That's good then, makes picking out a Christmas gift easier, I suppose."
Christmas gift?!
"What?!" I choked out, ignoring the sudden barks of laughter from Edward inside the house. "Christmas?"
"Yes, Esme," Carlisle replied. "It's only two weeks away, I wanted to get you something but I have no idea what you want. I didn't even know if you celebrated it! You do, so that's good." Then he turned his head to the doorway. "Huh, I wonder what's so funny for Edward?"
"No idea," I grumbled, folding my arms across my chest. I stormed inside to find Edward lying on the floor, spread out, tussled bronze hair in his eyes and a great smile on his face.
"Esme! Hello!" He called out. "Carlisle!"
"Hello son," Carlisle greeted warmly. "What's so funny?"
"A new programme on the radio… really," Edward said. Of course, yes. I rolled my eyes. His own personal radio.
I excused myself to slip up to the shower, washing all of the mud and dirt out of me before slipping into something comfortable. Distinctly I could hear Edward and Carlisle's voices murmuring downstairs, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I didn't know if I wanted to know what was coming out of Edward's mouth!
Disclaimer- I don't own, Steph Meyer and associates own.
HALL OF FAAAAAAAME!:
lia-finn: Esme is a nice character, so loving and caring. I hope you enjoyed the scene between Esme and Carlisle as I know you will. I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for your review! :D.
SingingBird812: I'm glad you like it so much. :D.
Saadhana: I hope you like this chapter. :D!
Esmerelda-kaulitz-cullen: I'm glad you like my story so much and that you managed to find it again. :D. I will write more, alot more. :D.
EliseShaw :They think they just should get off really well, I mean, he's going to end up being his mother for crying out loud. And, the fact that Carlisle is never there, too, who else does Esme talk to? I've never really read anyones work when they don't get along, it seems that they just all get along nicely from the start. I added before a bit where Edward didn't want Esme to be changed, but that was all pushed aside and it was rather mean. Thanks for your review, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Saadhana: OMG, you reviewed twice on the same chapter lol! Thanks for your support, must be a FF glitch! :D!
Moumou38 : Edward is great! I really love him teasing and writing Edwards perspective is very fun. Carlisle will get him back however, he's just biding his time. Glad you like the story so much! :D
fallenangel315 : Lol! Now you know when I update and can read it really quickly! Yay! I am glad that you enjoy my story so much and thanks for your review. The relationships are nice, they're all warm and squishy, I think. :D.
braceface freak: Glad to hear it, hope you like this chapter, I'm sure it won't disappoint. :D.
Leucothea29 : Who can forget David Copperfield? Have you ever read the novel? Hard slog, lol. Edward is horrible, the deciving little shrew. :D Thye have made one almighty leap in this chapter and I hope you really liked it. Edward is struggling with his wants and needs, and more is revealed in the next chapter about why Edward didn't want to know in full details. I actually haven't read that story. Is it EdwardxBella? It sounds like it. I actually entended the chapter before hand and it was a normal sized chapter for me, but I didn't get rid of the remark. Thanks for your constant, always long, well recieved reviews. I am always glad to read your reviews and await them. Thank you so much and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Please review thee who do not.
Thank you so much. xx.
