Seven: The End Of The Affair Was Right As Expected
"Are you free now?" Yukinoshita inquired, looking down on me with her chin turned up. I doubted she would take no for an answer.
"Yeah," I mumbled. "Why?"
Yukinoshita walked up to me and took my arm. "I want you to meet my husband."
"I… what?!" I spluttered.
Out of all the things I expected Yukinoshita to do, this was not one of them. But then again…
"I'd rather come clean about everything," Yukinoshita said. "Besides, I don't suppose you have to do anything. Just sit still while I explain everything. I'm sure your appearance in itself would clarify why I never followed through with my intentions."
"Hey, what are you implying?!"
"Nothing, just that your rotten eyes make you look like a bumbling con artist." Yukinoshita's lips curled upwards with amusement, although a moment later, her smile dropped. "Not that any of it was really your fault, of course…"
She was quiet for a moment, her face downcast. I said, "Come on then. Let's go."
That seemed to restore Yukinoshita's momentum. She looked back at me and smirked.
"I hope you're ready," she declared.
Even though she said that, I knew that Yukinoshita stood to lose more through her honesty. She was the married one from a prestigious family - and not to mention she was the woman here.
I wondered if she had really thought it all through.
But no, she definitely had. She had spent months alone, considering all of her options.
"You won't get a divorce, then?" I asked, just to be sure.
"I considered that," said Yukinoshita. "But…" She looked down at her stomach.
"Ah," I said.
"I made a terrible mistake, so I must take responsibility for my actions."
A terrible mistake, she called it. I suppose it would look like that from her perspective. Still, I wondered what mistake she was referring to.
We were walking (or in my case hobbling) towards the carpark. Yukinoshita kept her head high, even as she was walking towards certain ruin. I imagined her as one of those well-bred chestnut horses made to run in steeplechase races, blinkers covering every inch of her face so that nothing could distract her from the finish line.
The car that awaited us in the car park was a black limousine. It looked uncannily like the car that had hit me all those years ago, though I was sure it was a different vehicle. It was simply the same model.
Even so, a chill went down my spine as I looked at it, and for a moment I hesitated. "Come," Yukinoshita said, tugging on my arm. She must have sensed my unease.
The driver, an elderly man with a white moustache, sat behind the wheel and nodded curtly as I crawled inside the car. He did not ask any questions, but I could see the sharp inquisitiveness in his eyes.
"Go to our house," Yukinoshita instructed the driver, not bothering to explain anything for now.
Although the air conditioning was relaxing, the silence within the car was strained. To alleviate the silence, the driver put on some unobtrusive jazz music. Although it was supposed to be soothing, somehow I felt even more jittery.
"Hikigaya-kun," Yukinoshita said suddenly. She was sitting in the passenger seat while I sat in the back seat, so I could not see her face. "Sit up straight. Don't make me disgusted to be associated with you."
"As if you're not already disgusted," I retorted. "And how do you know I'm not sitting up straight anyway? My posture is immaculate!"
"No, it isn't. You need plenty of work. And I know you're doing it wrong because I know you."
Somehow, I got the feeling this was Yukinoshita's roundabout way of telling me she knew how I was feeling right now. I know you.
"Yes, yes," I said. And I did try to sit up straight after that.
At that moment, I noticed the driver duck his head and mutter something to Yukinoshita. She nodded in response.
I wondered what they were talking about.
The car trip seemed to take a long time. In fact, it did take a long time. The traffic was congested at this time of the evening, and the car passed through many unfamiliar roads. I knew our destination, but not how to get there. Despite how lengthy and uneventful the journey was, I did not feel like dozing off once. There was too much swirling in my mind.
I tried to recall what I did know about Yukinoshita's husband. A scholarly sort, she had described him. He was undoubtedly a rich man, too - but that was to be expected. From what I knew about Yukinoshita, I had my suspicions about how her married life would function.
I would find out how true they were when I met him.
It was dark by the time we reached Yukinoshita estate. I knew we had arrived because of how large, extravagant and bourgeois the mansion was. It gave off the solemn and stifling air of the Tower of London or some other foreign historical building. It might have doubled up as a prison. At any rate, it was not a Japanese-style house.
Yukinoshita got out of the car and opened the door for me. She also held her hand out for me to help me to my feet. I did not take her hand.
"Are you really sure this is what you want to do?" I asked her quietly.
"Yes," Yukinoshita said briskly. "Now stop asking."
Then she forcibly took my hand and pulled me to my feet. Her hand was soft, but her grip was firm.
"Okay," I said, reaching for my crutches. There was no turning back now.
Not that there had ever really been a way to escape from all of this.
To my surprise, Yukinoshita squeezed my hand once, and then she let go. She did not look me in the eyes. I only saw the side of her face, lit up by a combination of faint moonlight and the sickly glow of the street lamps beside the gate. She was looking up at the looming figure of her very own house, her lips pursed and her eyes calm.
I opened my mouth to say something - a word of thanks, perhaps - but nothing came to mind. Instead, I let my hand fall to my crutch and I joined her down the straight path towards the front door.
A butler opened the door. He was dressed in a trim black suit and tie, and his hair was slightly greying. Like the driver from earlier, he regarded me stoically but also measuredly before bowing courteously at me.
"Is James in?" Yukinoshita asked, skipping all preamble.
"Indeed, he is in currently in the study," said the butler with perfect formality.
"Good," said Yukinoshita as she took off her shoes and coat. "I'll see him now then."
"Sir, do you require help?" The butler turned to me. "If you wish, I can arrange for a wheelchair…"
"No, it's fine," I said stiffly. "I won't be here long anyway."
When I said that, Yukinoshita shot me a meaningful glance but said nothing.
The main entrance of Yukinoshita's house was just what you would expect. Thick, luxurious carpet covered every inch of the floor and the high ceiling was covered with twinkling chandeliers. On the wall there hung fancy oil paintings, the type you might find in the Louvre or the Vatican City. I didn't know enough about art to recognise any of the paintings, but they certainly looked like something a rich bastard would plaster all over his house.
The butler led through a number of hallways until eventually we stopped in front of an ornate wooden door. Yukinoshita nodded curtly and the butler took that as his cue to bow and leave.
Now that we were alone, Yukinoshita sighed. "Stay here," she instructed me. "I'll talk to him first."
Then she opened the door and walked inside without sparing a second glance behind her.
Perhaps she had not wanted to experience the silence between us.
How did it come to this? I wondered.
If I could speak to my teenage self, I wondered how he would react to this situation. He'd probably be speechless, I figured. But other than that, I drew a blank. At that moment, I couldn't even remember what my own high school looked like.
Perhaps my mind was merely numb.
I'm not sure how long I spent waiting. There was no clock in the hallway. But it certainly felt like a long time. Long enough that my arms grew tired of propping up my body on crutches. I wanted to curl down somewhere and sleep for a very long time.
Eventually, though, the door opened with a creak. "You may come in," Yukinoshita said to me coolly as if she were a receptionist talking to a stranger and not the married woman who had planned to have an affair with me.
Slowly, I hobbled my way into the study.
It was a relatively small room - no bigger than my bedroom, I imagine - but it was absolutely jam-packed with bookshelves, to the extent you could describe it as a mini library. And yet for all that, it did not feel suffocating. A small fire flickered in the fireplace in the corner, bathing the room with cozy warmth. It was the sort of place one might like to sleep in while curled up with a good book.
In the middle of the room, there was a small desk. Three armchairs were pushed up next to it, two on one side and one on the other. Yukinoshita was standing, so right now, only one of the seats was occupied - the lone chair on the other side of the desk.
"Take a seat, Hikigaya-san," said the man sitting on the chair.
So I did. I took up one of the seats opposite his desk.
It was obvious to me that the man was a foreigner, just from his accent. He spoke Japanese very well, though. It was clear he was fluent at reading it, too, judging from the heavy legal tome situated on his desk.
(Hang on… legal tome? Business Law and Taxation?)
The book was open, and there were plenty of hand-scribbled notes in the margins, like those of a precocious student.
Looking at Yukinoshita's husband, though, I was surprised. He did not have blonde hair and blue eyes. His hair was dark brown and he was short in stature for a foreigner. In fact, I'd say he was half-Japanese.
Even though he was at home, he was wearing a white business shirt and his hair was combed back. I have to admit he was a much better catch than I was, going just by looks alone. Add the smell of his aftershave (if money had a stench, it would be that) and the two of us were entire galaxies apart in terms of attractiveness. I could see his eyes surveying me coolly as he no doubt came to the same conclusion.
Then he smiled, a little hesitantly.
"Hello there, Hikigaya-san. Pleased to me-" He checked himself there, for it was evident to everyone present that he was most certainly not pleased to meet me. "I believe this is the first time we've met. My name is James Snowden. Yukino's husband," he said finally.
He held out his hand for me to shake. But my hands were paralysed by my side. I merely grunted.
Nothing had changed and the fire was still on, but suddenly the atmosphere felt cold and strained.
"I see," Snowden said finally. "So you're the man Yukino was talking about." His eyes flitted to the side, resting on Yukinoshita before turning back to me. It seemed he was unable to bear looking at her for too long. "I'd appreciate it if you could keep quiet about this business. We can settle this amicably."
Ah, so he was one of those types.
For the sake of appearances, he would do anything. How others would react to Yukinoshita having an affair meant more to him than his own feelings.
Let's settle this amicably… these were the words of a person who would crush you every step of the way - all the while being oh so civil, of course.
A riajuu, through and through.
In a way, it made things easier for me.
I was about to say something when Yukinoshita held her arm across in front of me. She sat down beside me and crossed her fingers over her lap.
"That's a fine thing to say, James. I was hoping you would say that. This conversation will remain between the three of us."
"So why did you bring this man all the way out here?" Snowden frowned. "And without warning, too…"
Yukinoshita sighed. "I wanted there to be no secrets in our marriage."
Something flickered in Snowden's eyes. "I see," he said, his tone neutral.
Were these two really talking about an affair? A sudden wave of uncertainty hit me.
"That applies to both of us," Yukinoshita went on in an icy tone. But she was smiling in a seemingly angelic way… "So if there is anything you wish to confide in me, by all means go right ahead."
"Yukinoshita," I gasped, for I was beginning to figure her out. "You…"
But Yukinoshita shook her head at me, a wry smile on her lips. She really wasn't kidding when she asked me to shut up and stay quiet while she did all the talking.
"Putting aside the numerous unknown contacts on your cell phone, I am curious about how you have been using our family's trust funds. The account balance doesn't seem to match up. I was wondering if you could help me with that," Yukinoshita said innocently. "I suppose that's a conversation for another day, however. Today, we must try to settle my infidelity issues. I couldn't bear it if the ruptures in our marriage became known, all of them."
Yukinoshita, you bitch…
I smiled.
Trust Yukinoshita Yukino to turn her own mistakes into a bargaining tool to gain leverage over her husband. She spoke of transparency, but in truth, she knew everything that went on without it, didn't she? By admitting her own foibles first, she had gained the moral - and the rhetorical - upper ground. Her husband could not very well deny her demands for openness, now that he was backed into a corner like this. From the looks of it, his sins were worse than hers.
Some part of me wondered if Yukinoshita had actually planned all of this beforehand. Who knows how she had spent those months on her "soul-searching journey"? She had no doubt been using that time wisely, digging up all the dirt she needed and planning her long-term strategy.
As you'd expect from the daughter of a politician.
So then… that moment when Yukinoshita bared her soul before me, when she hesitated in the cemetery and parted her lips uncertainly as her eyes fell on my lips… was that, too…?
"Why, this could be suitable grounds for divorce," Yukinoshita was saying smugly, cutting through my thoughts. "I certainly hope it does not come to that."
"What do you want, Yukino?" Snowden demanded in a low tone.
It seemed the married couple was completely absorbed in their spat and had forgotten my existence altogether for now.
"It's simple. I just want unmitigated access to the Snowden trust fund. You know me. It's not enough to have control of the company funds. I'd like to ensure that everything is working efficiently myself. After all, a married couple ought to share everything. I'm all for equality."
So here was Yukinoshita's motive for staying married. You're a true capitalist, Yukinoshita Yukino.
In England, they'd call you a champagne socialist.
"Look, you," Snowden said bitterly. "You can't just make demands like this after you tell me you're having an affair. I just-"
"Haven't I told you? I'm reformed. I am ending the affair. At your say-so, of course."
"Tell me, Yukino." Snowden laughed sardonically. "Are you really having an affair? I can't imagine a woman like you having a loving bone in your body. I also can't imagine a man like this being at all your type."
Ha! So he was becoming more honest now. I would have bet my house he would have kept this particular nugget of insight to himself normally. Yukinoshita had really pushed this guy to the edge.
"You're right," Yukinoshita admitted frankly. "Hikigaya-kun is not 'my type'. There is in fact nothing at all about him that I find attractive."
"Hey!" I interjected indignantly.
"Even so," Yukinoshita went on, "to me, Hikigaya-kun is… he is…"
For the first time, she seemed to have lost her steely composure.
"He is not my friend, but…"
"That's enough," said her husband curtly. "You don't have to say anything more. I'd like to speak to him privately, if you don't mind."
"Anything you say to him is appropriate for my ears as well," Yukinoshita said firmly, staying put.
"Yukinoshita." I called out her name quietly. Yukinoshita looked at me mutely. "It's fine. Go on ahead. I'll catch up with you."
"Hikigaya-kun…" Yukinoshita swallowed. She peered searchingly into my eyes. She must have seen something that persuaded her because slowly, she nodded. A silent communication had taken place between us. "Very well then. Call me when you are done."
She walked out of the room, her head held high.
When she was gone, Snowden let out a long, heavy sigh. It was the forlorn sigh of a man who had been betrayed.
"Tell me," he said to me wearily. "How long have you known Yukino?"
"I thought you already know the answer," I said.
"No, I don't," said Snowden, looking irritated. "How should I? This all came out of nowhere."
"Huh."
Then what about the detective who had been following me around?
Before I could properly pursue that train of thought, Snowden spoke up again.
"Please, answer the question."
He sounded very tired. He spoke with no authority, but I wanted to answer him anyway.
"We met in high school," I explained slowly and carefully. "We were in the same club."
"Is that all? Is that really all?"
I thought back to our high school days.
"Back then," I said finally, "I suppose it was."
"I see," Yukinoshita's husband said evenly. He seemed to be fighting to keep a straight face. "So she dragged out some old high school crony to do her bidding for her. I wouldn't put it past her."
"You're wrong," I said quietly. "Yukinoshita may be a lying bitch, but I came here because I wanted to."
I knew why Yukinoshita had left me with her husband. She did not approve of my methods, but she accepted them. This would be the last deed I would perform for the sake of the Service Club - for that special place that had belonged to the two of us. And Yuigahama as well.
"Come to think of it, you and Yukinoshita make a good match," I said, smirking.
"What did you say…?"
"The two of you married for the sake of convenience, didn't you? It was a transaction of mutual gain."
Something flickered in Snowden's eyes. It was an emotion that was hard to place.
"The truth is, you married Yukinoshita hoping she would replace her sister Haruno. In that case, you got exactly what you bargained for. Haruno-san would have screwed you over the exact same way."
"What…?"
"Oh, yes, all that talk about marriage being an equal relationship - that's all bullshit. One side always gains more than the other in this so-called transaction of mutual gain. And in this case, it's the Yukinoshitas that gain more from your family fortune than you gain from them. After all," I went on grinding my axe further, "you're the one who doesn't know how to invest his money properly."
"What makes you think that…?!"
"Simple. You're a scholarly sort, just as Yukinoshita said. Look at all these books. You've got a book about business law right in front of you and you're taking notes because you don't know a damn thing. On paper, you're in charge of an electronics business, but in reality, it's Yukinoshita who established everything. That's exactly why you tried to steal money from her, isn't it? Because you don't actually own anything yourself. In theory you're the richer one but in practice you're not.
"But Yukinoshita is no idiot. She's playing you the same way you played her. Why else would the idea of her having an affair hurt you? You'd soon be in the red if she divorced you and you know it.
"So face it. You've lost. You can cling to appearances as much as you like, but in the end, your marriage is a sham-"
"SHUT UP!" Snowden roared suddenly.
He had been growing steadily redder in the face during my speech, but finally he snapped. He banged his fist on the table, causing the book on top to shudder and the wooden table legs to groan in protest.
"How dare you…? What gives you the right to talk about my private life like that? I don't know what Yukino has been telling you, but it's all wrong, do you hear me?"
"Wrong? How am I wrong if Yukinoshita cheated on you with m-?"
I was rudely interrupted when his fist connected squarely with my face, almost throwing me off the armchair I was sitting on.
Fury had temporarily clouded Snowden's eyes, but it didn't take long for the guilt to spread across every inch of his face. He had, after all, just punched a crippled guy.
"Oh shit… shit… what have I done?" he muttered.
At that moment, the door opened and Yukinoshita stormed back in. Her eyes flashed mercilessly.
But Snowden needed no intimidating. He was white in the face and paralysed in his seat. It was clear he had never punched anyone before. (I sort of felt that from the strength of his punch too, to be honest.)
"I'm sorry, Yukino," he said shakily. "I'll do whatever you say. But please… get this man out of my sight."
"Very well," said Yukinoshita with evident disdain. She turned to me and lent me her hand. "Are you all right?"
"Yes," I responded, a little numbly. Despite the lack of strength behind Snowden's punch, the impact of it still had me reeling.
A familiar sense of disgust was swirling around in my stomach too. It happened every time I played the villain. Only this time I was the villain, the adulterer teaming up with his mistress to take down an incompetent embezzler.
Yukinoshita's face was a mirror of mine. Of that, I had no doubt.
"Come here," she said darkly, and together we left the room, leaving Yukinoshita's husband alone in his chair, his face in his hands.
"I expected you to be harsh, but not that harsh," Yukinoshita remarked as we made our way back to where the black limousine was situated.
Because it was dark, I could not see her face when we were outside. But I could certainly imagine every inch of it.
"I don't think he was good at taking it," I said. "But still…"
"There's no use feeling sorry for the incompetent," Yukinoshita sighed.
But I knew she was uncomfortable too.
"Why him, Yukinoshita? You could have made your own way."
"Yes. But I learned I could only go so far that way." Yukinoshita bowed her head. "With that man's connections and money, combined with my own family resources, I could multiply my wealth. I just didn't want him swindling me and ruining my hard work."
"You want the money to fund your charity organisation, don't you?" I remembered reading about it a while ago. Yukinoshita was a philanthropist. Yes, that made sense.
"Indeed," Yukinoshita said with a nod. "If my actions can cause some shred of goodness overall, then I will consider it a worthwhile venture."
We stopped. The moon came out from behind the clouds, revealing Yukinoshita's downcast face.
Everything was silent. Only Kawasaki's words rang in my ears.
I thought it was Yukinoshita's way of condescending others. But it was a good thing in the end.
I could not keep quiet any longer.
"What's with the cynical idealism?" I demanded bitterly. "For all these years, have you been trying to recreate the Service Club?"
Yukinoshita's face froze. I honestly think that thought had never occurred to her, as clever and resourceful as she was.
"Hikigaya-kun," she said numbly. "I…"
"You're such a fool," I declared. (How rare it was for me to be the one to say those words.) "Don't you know that it's cowardice to run away from who you are?"
"Then you will never move forward," Yukinoshita said through gritted teeth, "and you will never save anyone."
I felt like we'd had this conversation before.
I stared hard at Yukinoshita, and though we were close enough to hold hands and kiss, I had never fully realised how deep the chasm was between us until that moment.
Yukinoshita held my gaze levelly for a while, but then she turned away with a "hmph!" and started pressing away at her cell phone. I wondered what she was doing.
"I've just deleted your number," she announced smoothly.
"Huh?" I asked dumbly.
"Because this," she said, "is the end of the affair."
"Oh, right," I said.
So it was.
Yukinoshita had fulfilled her purpose. She would not betray her ideals. She would not divorce her husband. I had known all of this before we had even come here.
I promptly took out my phone and deleted her number too. It was just a measly few kilobytes of data, but something clenched in my chest as the bin icon came up on my screen. Was this all our relationship had amounted to?
I wanted to say goodbye but no words formed on my lips. Yukinoshita watched me expectantly for a moment, her mouth half-open, but eventually she turned away with a soft sigh.
Silence filled the night sky.
We had reached the car. The driver was standing outside, holding the door open for me. There was no more delaying the inevitable.
A terrible panic rose in me. I wanted to run as fast as I could and scream at the top of my lungs. Like a petulant child, I wanted to cling to Yukinoshita's arm and beg her not to go.
But that terrible, sudden feeling died away as soon as it came. All that was left in its wake was an eerie hollowness in my gut. I looked at Yukinoshita and she looked at me - and we both nodded.
There is no such thing as star-crossed lovers.
Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Tristan and Isolde, the couple from Titanic - I'm sure they would never have given each other the time of day if circumstances did not get in the way. As far as I am concerned, succumbing to a common enemy is the cheap way to go out. In real life, relationships live and die through choice and inaction. I'm sure the poets couldn't stand something so trite and ordinary. But trust me, I know. I've spent my whole life pressing the reset button.
And so the affair ended as a strangled, stillborn infant. It was no one's fault but our own. I'm sure even years later I would say that Yukinoshita Yukino made the right decision that day. She's still the only woman I would trust with something so important.
Author's note: Next chapter is the last.
