March 10, 1829

I went to a Mardis Gras celebration the other day. Courfeyrac, his newest girl and two of her friends, Bousset and I wore our masks and went out onto the streets. I don't know if I have ever eaten more in my entire life! Afterwards, I realize why no one does much on Ash Wednesday: because they can't move! I laid in bed until past eleven, still drowsy (we didn't get home until nearly four in the morning) and then went and got my ashes.

My head hurts horribly. I don't know that I'll go to a party with Courfeyrac again- though from what I remember, I had a lot of fun.

March 25, 1829

My aunt sent me money again. I sent it straight back, despite desperately needing a new coat. I have holes through the elbows.

Courfeyrac gave me his coat today, but it's green. I don't like that, as I am still mourning my father. I know it's past the mourning period, but I want to continue to honor him. I don't wear it out. It will be warm soon anyhow.

April 14, 1829

The blossoms are out on the trees and it is beautiful here in the Luxembourg! That silly girl seems to like it- the blossoms are falling from the trees, blown off the branches by the wind- and she is literally dancing about trying to catch them. I am revising my statement. She is both obnoxious and childish!

May 1, 1829

Courfeyrac slept at my place all of last week because his lease ended before he found a new apartment, or had the funds to pay the upfront fee. He got his paycheck yesterday, finally, and was able to pay his new landlord the three months' advance and get out of my place.

At first it was fun. We went out at night and then returned very late. But sharing a small, one-room garret with another man is disconcerting. Also, he has dirty habits. All his belongings- including socks and his books- we left out all over my place, and not stacked neatly or anything. I am not extremely neat, but my clothes are hung up and my floor is always swept. I try not to leave things out unless I am using them. I was a little relieved when Courfeyrac left, because I finally had my place to myself again.

One does get used to living alone.

May 17, 1829

Today I read parts of A Midsummer Night's Dream. The first few scenes I read were much easier than Romeo and Juliet, simply because I'd had more practice. But though the words are beautiful, I find Shakespeare's views on love frustrating. He seems to think that people are just foolish beings who always manage to ruin their own lives. I don't believe we are as daft as he believed.

May 24, 1829

I have done some more research about France, and I have come to the conclusion that education is our country's greatest flaw. Not the actual teaching that occurs in France, but how difficult it is to obtain. I realize how privileged I was as a child. My grandfather, cold as he was, did provide me with education, which gave me the opportunity to make myself a living. I am somewhat lazy now, and do not make much money, but I am happy and content that one day, when I need to get a full-time well-paying job, I will be able to. But what about all those young children born without fathers, whose poor mothers struggle to feed them, their fingers bleeding from their jobs as seamstresses? Those children surely do not have education! It is so expensive!

Those poor women who lose their husbands, or never had them in the first place. I believe that women have been given an unfair plight. Their situation is so precarious- they can be happy, healthy, and provided for one day, and then whoever was supporting them could die or leave, and where are they left? To support themselves. But can a women ever support herself here in Paris? In France? Anywhere at this time?

September 28, 1829

This past summer was enlightening for me. I spent more and more time alone, which was less than satisfying. I did spend a week with Courfeyrac on a marathon around Paris- we went to nearly every cheap discussion restaurant we could find. I went back to Les Amis for some time, and we managed not to clash. We went about and tried to spread our viewpoints to people, to possibly get some respect for the republic. They are very discontented with King Charles X, which is understandable. I am too, of course. It's our views on what a proper resolution should be where we reach problems.

I honestly do not see what their problems with Napolean are. I am far more religious than most of them are, so I can respect Napolean for his restoration of Catolicism in France. However, they can also see Napolean as a religious hero: he was very much a rationalist, and he attempted to diminish religious prejudices. I do not see where they have bones to pick with the man. He was positively a genius.

Other than spending a lot of time with Les Amis, which I did get tired of, I spent a lot of time working and daydreaming. To be honest, sometimes I am perfectly content to just sit at my desk and write. I have written some scholarly articles that are rather good, to be completely honest. I have been published a few times. Just short articles in periodicals, but I am not a writer by any means. I just enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper. It organizes my mind.

October 12, 1829

Nineteen today! Wow. I have been away from my Grandfather for over a year- it is the second birthday I have celebrated away from him. My friends found out it was my birthday and we did celebrate this year, but to be honest it feels stale.

Most days I sit alone and think, read, or write. I love thinking. Nothing is more precious to me than the human mind. Hence reading and writing are my favorite activities, and I do try to set aside at least three or four hours a day to good thinking. I love walking for this reason; walking in cities gives you plenty of food for thought. I return home and I am at peace. My body has worked, having walked for hours, and my mind has exercised. I am free to finish whatever work I have for the day without being bogged down.

But I do get lonely. These friends I have... we never fail to have a good time. But they do make me feel rather in adequat sometimes. They are so active. My political beliefs are just as strong, but I do very little to support them other than write. They are certain they will fight in whatever uprising comes up soon- and they are confident one will emerge in the next few months. They all have mistresses, some of whom actually love them. Needless, they have all slept with them and talk about it frequently. They all have lots of friends. I have them, who are older than me and tease me.

Sometimes I feel far too alone to be happy.


Reviews? It will get better soon, I promise. Marius has reached a slump in his life. He knows who he is, but no one else does yet. I always thought him to be a lonely person. He is very strong in terms of his opinions, but he differs from his friends, and thus has few true friends. His favorite things to do are things people do in solitary. Poor Marius.

Thoughts, please!