The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

Keystroke Log:

So I got this gun that has the same name as me! How sweet is that? I don't use it much, but I always carry it around anyway. It's awesome, don't you think?

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

Extranet Activity:

SEARCH: how do i install VI?

DOWNLOAD: VIs for Dummies [book] /DOWNLOAD INCOMPLETE/

Chat Transcript:

TempestuousShep: tali?

Tali'Zorah Normandy: What's up, Shepard?

TS: can u come up here & install this vi for me?

TZ: You can't do it yourself? What kind of VI is it?

TS: it's a vi of me

TS: for my terminal

TZ: It's a what?

TZ: Never mind. I'm on my way up.

TS: TY!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

Messages Received:

From: Miranda Lawson

To: Commander Shepard

Comander,

For the love of God will you please stop quoting old space movies all the time? The crew is filing complaints.

Operative Lawson

Messages Sent:

From: Shepard

To: Miri

If you insist…

Live long & prosper,

TS

Messages Received:

From: Miranda Lawson

To: Commander Shepard

Seriously, Commander? I just told you to stop.

Miranda

Messages Sent:

From: Shepard

To: Randa

Star Trek was a SHOW thank you very much.

S

Keystroke Log:

Um Mom…

I just hit on Garrus. Like, invited him to take a ride on the Tempest-train, if you know what I mean. Like, I just told my best friend that I want to have sex with him. And he said yes. I think. Need to think on this more.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

Messages Sent:

From: Shepard

To: Garrus

So about /LINE ERASE/ Nevermind what I /LINE ERASE/ Sorry about earlier. I kinda crossed the line, and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I mean, unless you want to. /LINE ERASE/ /UNDO/

What I'm saying is, I was a little bit drunk when we talked /LINE ERASE/ I didn't want to make you uncomfortable and I'm sorry if I did.

So, yeah. Sorry again.

/SAVED TO DRAFTS/

[pause of 2 hours and 17 minutes]

/MESSAGE SENT/

Extranet Activity:

SEARCH: Human Turian relations /MODIFIED/ Human Turian relations not porn /MODIFIED/ Human Turian relations porn

DOWNLOAD: Fraternizing with the Enemy vols. 1-3 [vid]

Chat Transcript:

TempestuousShep: hey M

MLaws: Commander?

TS: Can we have a sillystring fight in the crew deck common area?

ML: Why would you ever want to do something like that?

TS: morale, mir, what else?

ML: Of course. Forget I asked.

TS: So…

ML: No.

TS: BUT mirandaa… Garrus said they spar on turian ships 2 let off tension.

TS: this is like that but no1 gets hurt!

TS: How would u like it if we sparred 4 real?

ML: The answer is still no, Commander.

TS: what if I clean it all up myself?

ML: No means no!

TS: ur so unreasonable!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

Messages Received:

From: Garrus

To: Shepard

Shepard,

I'm still interested if you are. As for wanting something closer to home, well, like I've said… I've never been a very good turian.

If you want to talk, why don't you come down in a bit when I've finished with these calibrations?

G

Extranet Activity:

DOWNLOAD: Weapons Calibrations for Dummies [book]

SEARCH: calibration innuendo

DOWNLOAD: Translator add-on: Turian slang and idioms v3.2 [software]