Day 7
I asked them why they kept me alive. I am nobody and it is expensive.
They say, that is what doctors do.
I do not believe them.
They said that I have such a dark tan, I must have been outside a lot. They are right. My skin is dark, almost brown. So I laid down and thought of outside. I take a walk in the park everyday. It gives me something to do.
I try to remember outside before the blackout. But I am not sure what I see, is it a positive or a negative? Is the rolling landscape around me made up from roaring waves in a black ocean, or is it made of sand dunes, bleached by the blistering sunlight? The sensation pouring over me, is it the heat of the sun scorching me, or torrents of rain in a storm whipping up the sea? Is it midday or black of night?
I don't know which image is right, light or darkness, night or day, positive or negative -- evil or good? Or is it that I am indeed standing between both sides, looking either way?
I can almost taste the rain on my face, this is important.
I can feel the dust grating between my teeth, this is important, too.
They say, just because I didn't see any land, it does not mean there wasn't any. They say, it does not have to be the whole planet, that is a desert. They are right. But if I do not believe that there was no land, because I saw none, I have nothing to start from.
I need the free use of a computer and they cannot give it. I will get it still. I don't know how yet, but I will. I need more information and they-
They cannot help me -- this I know.
At least, they took the camera away. I am freer now in what I do.
I pace.
Realizing this, I stop myself and go to the gym. There I can walk for hours without end, to the end of the galaxy and back. It is sad that they have no simulations for walking between the stars. Not in real-time, of course, you'd never get anywhere.
They probably do it not to encourage megalomania. Imagine: the Queen of Coruscant walking amidst the stars. how soon would they all be her stars? Or tea kettles? I don't want to own the stars; I only want to own my past.
One day I will -- this I know.
