Thanks for all the wonderful reviews on the story so far; I really appreciate it! I've also enabled anonymous reviews, so if anyone wanted to leave me any comments and couldn't before, you can now! (Subtle hint, anyone?)
I know the last chapter ended on a sad note, and I'm sorry it took so long to update. Thanks for all your patience! I will say that my beta-reader hasn't had a chance to look at this yet, since she's out of town. Sadly, I'm too impatient to wait. So if there are any huge flaws with the chapter (or, heaven forbid, it's just awful all over), don't blame her! Wait...no...do blame her. That works better for me.
What am I going to do when I've finished with this story?
July
"Jimmy!" Lois cried thankfully as she grabbed the younger man by the arm and all but yanked him off his feet and into the corner with her. "Come over here for a second." She ignored his look of confusion as she positioned him very precisely in front of her and ducked slightly so that he blocked her from sight.
"Uh, Lois?" he asked nervously as she did so, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she said distractedly as she peered around his arm and straightened abruptly. "Damn! I've been spotted!" she muttered to herself before turning her attention back to her human shield, "Okay, pretend that you're talking to me."
Still sounding confused, he replied, "I am talking to you."
Lois tried not to roll her eyes too obviously. "I meant about something important."
"Uh, Lois…" he protested, sounding dubious.
"Jimmy," she said his name in a threatening manner. Then, as their visitor approached, she said in an exaggeratedly normal tone, "So if you'd track down those articles for me, I want to…Lana!" she exclaimed, feigning surprise. "It's good to see you! I'm afraid you just missed Clark, but I can tell him you dropped by if you want."
"Actually, I came here to see you," Lana replied, sounding a bit uneasy.
"Oh. Well, now's not a good time, unfortunately. Jimmy here needs my help." Then, as the man in question began to edge away from her, she said in a warning tone, "We're talking about this future." He made a sound approaching a squawk as Lois grabbed his arm and squeezed it tightly.
"It'll only take a minute, I promise. Do you mind, Jimmy?" Lana asked earnestly as she turned upon the poor trapped man.
"Uh…" Jimmy looked anxiously between the two women and then down at the papers he had in his hands. "I-I need to get these to Perry, actually," he stammered nervously as he threw Lois a terrified look and bolted towards the Editor in Chief's office.
"Some wingman you are," Lois muttered darkly to herself as she watched his retreating back. Without any other obvious way to avoid the imminent conversation, she sighed. "Okay, Lana. What can I do for you?"
"Is there somewhere we can talk privately?" Lana asked, gesturing around at all the potential eavesdroppers.
"Well, that depends. Is it about Clark? Because, if it is, I'm afraid you're wasting your time."
"It's not about Clark. I just need to talk to you," Lana replied, and Lois stifled yet another sigh as she looked around for a private place to talk. With the air of someone heading off to the executioner, she ushered her guest into one of the empty conference rooms and shut the door behind them. Once they were in private, however, Lana confessed in response to Lois's expectant look, "Okay, it is about Clark."
"Imagine my surprise," the older woman replied dryly as she reached for the door handle. To this point, she'd managed to avoid talking about or dealing with her relationship with Clark – despite the man in question's rather obvious attempts to engage her in conversation over the past week – and she had no intention of ruining her record now. However, she couldn't help but pause when Lana called out her name somewhat desperately.
Lois felt someone grab her arm and turned to look at her companion. "Look, it's not what you think! Clark didn't leave you for me!"
Her eyes narrowed, Lois snapped, "And you seem to think that matters! I'm not angry that he left me for you; I'm angry that he left! And, regardless of his reasons, I have absolutely no intention of discussing our relationship with anyone but him."
"But you're not discussing it with him," Lana reminded her firmly.
Pretending a nonchalance she didn't feel, Lois said blithely, "I didn't say I was planning on doing that, either."
Lana huffed in irritation. "So you're just going to leave it like this between the two of you?"
With a shrug, Lois responded, "I'm dealing with it."
"You're avoiding him," Lana contradicted, a bit acidly.
"To-may-to, to-mah-to." When she saw that her companion was about to say something else, Lois said firmly, "Anyway, as I said before, I have no intention of discussing this with you. Your relationship with Clark is your business, and I'd appreciate it if you'd leave it that way." Shrugging off Lana's hand, she turned back to the door. She really didn't know how much more of this conversation she could take before she snapped, so it would probably be best if she left immediately.
"So that's it? That's all you're going to say?" Lana demanded of her retreating back.
As she yanked open the door, Lois turned to look back at the woman behind her. "Well, that and…if you do anything to hurt him, Lana, I swear there isn't a place on Earth that you'll be able to hide from me."
Still fuming over her altercation with Lana, Lois stalked through the door and towards the exit, pausing at her desk only long enough to grab her purse. She didn't think she could bear to sit around the newsroom much longer. If Clark returned and Lana ran up to so much as shake his hand, Lois thought she might throw something at them both.
Furthermore, beyond the obvious desire to avoid watching Clark and Lana together, Lois was furious and needed some time to clear her head. Why couldn't people just leave her alone? She was trying to get past the failed relationship and move on with her life. She was trying to forget how good things once were for her and how much they had changed. She was trying to pretend like she hadn't lost her best friend when she lost her boyfriend. And people couldn't seem to help reminding her of how utterly she was failing at all of the above.
Well, it didn't matter what Lana or anybody else thought. She was going to get on with her life, or at least she would attempt to do so. In fact, she had a date tonight, though she hadn't told anyone else about her plans and harbored serious reservations about them herself. She shook her head and put these doubts out of her mind. She was going to have a good time tonight if it killed her.
Later that night, Lois was attempting to slip on a strappy pair of sandals when she heard the knock on the front door. "Coming!" she called as she half hopped, half staggered out of her bedroom, trying to finish putting on her shoes while answering the door at the same time.
A bit out of breath from her exertions, Lois finally managed to finish dressing as she reached the door. With one last deep breath, she plastered a wide grin on her face and threw it open. "Almost ready to…Clark?" she began, but she interrupted her thought halfway through when she realized the man standing in the hallway was not the one she'd expected to see. "What are you doing here?" she asked in surprise as she reluctantly ushered him in to her apartment.
He grinned as he presented her with the box that he had in his hand. "We haven't had a Pizza and a Movie Night in a while, so I got a large pepperoni with extra cheese and Bruce Willis's latest cinematic achievement." He looked so hopeful, Lois almost hated turning him down. Once upon a time, Pizza and a Movie Night was such an important tradition each Friday, only a trip to the hospital was enough of an excuse to miss it. She used to spend the week looking forward to the night when she could snuggle up against her partner and…well, whatever happened after that was fine with her. However, like so many other things, it had become a casualty of their failed relationship. She opened her mouth to tell him that she regretfully had other plans, but she could see by the look on his face that he'd noticed her slinky black dress and had put two and two together. "Oh," he said after a long moment. "I'm sorry. You're going out." He always did have a knack for stating the astonishingly obvious.
"I have a date," she said in answer to his unspoken question. She suddenly wished she had mentioned this to him sooner, but she'd decided not to tell him about her upcoming date for two reasons. One, it really wasn't any of his business, and two, she didn't want it to seem like she was trying to make him jealous by flaunting her love life at him. If she'd known her silence was going to result in this awkward scene, however, she would have said something. "I'm sorry about the pizza."
"Oh, that's okay. I mean, that's great, actually," Clark said awkwardly, clearly trying to sound enthusiastic about her revelation. A tense silence fell between them, full of all the things they wouldn't say, and Lois didn't know how to make the moment a little less painful for either of them. He finally broke the silence by asking softly, "Why didn't you tell me you had a date tonight?"
Tilting her head, she looked up at her companion and considered her options. Should she try to salvage his feelings, or should she go with the brutal truth? She didn't want to hurt Clark, but keeping her silence is what got her into this situation to begin with. Finally, she decided that honesty may not be the least painful policy but it was generally best. "Oddly, I didn't feel compelled to run the details of my love life past you. It's actually one of the perks of not dating someone any longer. You no longer have to care whether they approve or not." She couldn't help the slight tinge of anger that colored her words. She hated that she had to play the dating scene again; if it were up to her, she wouldn't be in this situation. She wouldn't be forced to sit through an evening of drudging up mindless small talk over a plate of linguini; the very idea of it made her want to tear her own hair out.
It had been a month. It was high time she accepted that Clark was not going to be begging to get her back any time soon. And she hated him for it.
"Look, Lois, I know things didn't work out between us, but I was hoping we could still be friends."
She couldn't help the bark of bitter laughter. "Right. Friends. Great." She wished Clark hadn't come over. It was hard enough tonight, getting dressed up to go on a date she dreaded, without having to think of what could have been. When she looked into the face of the man who had been her best friend, however, she saw genuine pain there, and she couldn't stand that she had caused it. So, with a sigh, Lois rubbed her forehead and said heavily, "Look, Clark, I'm sorry if this upsets you. But I didn't tell you about my date because my love life is no longer any of your concern. You made your decision, and I'm trying to accept that. What did you expect? That I would wait around forever for you to change your mind?"
Looking away from her, Clark said, "Of course not. I just…I don't want to lose you."
Swallowing heavily, Lois looked at a spot over his left shoulder as she said, "You already have." Then, eager to get this over with as quickly as possible, she said brusquely, "Look, I'm thrilled that you can look at me and see me as just your friend." She knew she sounded like she couldn't be less happy about it, but that hardly mattered. "But you have to understand, I can't do that yet. I'm trying, but you're going to have to give me time.
"Anyway, my date should be here any minute, so I should probably be getting ready. I'm sorry about the pizza," she finished, nodding towards the objects he was still holding in his hand.
Looking down at the box as if only just remembering its existence, Clark said suddenly, "Oh, that's okay. Just…have a good time tonight, Lois."
She managed a tight smile as she wished him goodnight and watched him walk out the door. She was going to have a good time tonight, in fact. She was determined to.
Despite her best intentions, she found having a good time to be rather more difficult in practice than in theory. She really wanted to enjoy herself, but the problem was that Derek just wasn't quite… His eyes weren't quite the right shade of blue. His lips weren't quite full enough. He wasn't quite tall enough, and his smile didn't quite light up the room. When his hand brushed against hers, as it did several times during the course of the evening, she didn't quite feel butterflies in her stomach.
He was a perfect date – witty, charming, and more than capable of holding up his end of the conversation. He just wasn't quite Clark Kent.
Lois hid a scowl behind her coffee cup. If she was going to enjoy tonight's date, and if she was planning on getting over Clark any time in the current decade, she was really going to have to stop thinking about him. By sheer force of will, she directed her attention back on her date and tried to keep it there as they finished their dinner.
When Derek escorted her to the door and kissed her goodnight at the end of the evening, she closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in the moment but couldn't manage to do so. She knew she shouldn't berate herself for being unable to let go of Clark so quickly. It had taken her years to fall in love with him (or maybe it just took her that long to realize that she'd done so); she couldn't expect to get over him overnight. Still, even as she promised the man in front of her another date on a future night, she couldn't help but wish he were someone else.
Early the next morning, Lois woke to the sound of her phone ringing. A lead on a story she'd been pursuing for the better part of a week was finally beginning to pan out, and she wanted to follow up on it right away. So, as she dressed, she placed two quick calls: one to Perry to let him know she would be late getting in and one to Clark to inform him of recent events. After declining her partner's offer to accompany her, she promised to meet him back at the Planet and raced off to meet her source. She'd thought her errand wouldn't take her long, but by the time she got everything she needed and made her way back to the Daily Planet building, most of the staff had already left for lunch.
Distracted by the information she'd uncovered, Lois almost didn't register the sight of a familiar fall of red hair on the other side of the room. When the woman standing by Clark's desk turned, however, Lois cried, "Mrs. Kent!" happily as she ran to envelop the older woman in a hug. "I didn't know you were in town!"
"I didn't have a chance to tell you she was coming," the voice behind Lois caused her to turn. Clark spoke without rancor, but Lois still felt the sting of his words. While she hadn't exactly avoided him over the past month, she hadn't gone out of her way to talk to him, either – at least not about anything that didn't have to do with a story.
Before Lois got a chance to respond, however, Mrs. Kent explained, "I had some things I needed to take care of in town, and I thought I'd stop off and see how my two favorite reporters are doing." She glanced quickly at her son before continuing, "I was about to take Clark to lunch, and I thought you might want to join us, if you don't have somewhere you need to be."
"That sounds great," Lois replied, and she meant it. Sure, lunch with her ex and his mother might prove to be awkward, but she cared too much about Mrs. Kent to let that get in the way. Besides, as much as she hated to admit it, she was happy to have an excuse to just sit and talk to Clark.
So, buoyed by her productive morning and elated by Mrs. Kent's visit, Lois promised herself that she wouldn't dwell on the past for one afternoon as she accompanied the Kents to the elevators and out of the Daily Planet building. Since it was such a beautiful day, the group decided to walk to a nearby restaurant, and they had almost made it all the way there before Clark got That Look on his face. Lois had become accustomed to seeing That Look on a fairly regular basis – Clark would suddenly go from being right there next to her to being…somewhere else, somewhere far away. It was like he was listening to something only he could hear, and it immediately preceded a quasi-plausible excuse and his disappearance.
"I-I'm sorry," he said suddenly, and Lois gave him a resigned smile out of habit more than anything else. "I just realized I left my wallet in my desk drawer. Can I meet you guys at the restaurant?"
She knew he'd turn her down, but Lois had to try anyway. "You know, if that's all it is, I can just pick up the tab for lunch. If you want, you can even pay me back later; it's not like I don't know your good for it. And if you try to stiff me, I know people who know people who break kneecaps, so…"
"That's okay, Lois. I appreciate the offer, but I really should go get it anyway. It won't take me very long. Save me a seat?"
For a second, it seemed Lois was living the life she'd had two months before, and she automatically responded as she would have done then, "Well, sure. But you'd better hurry, because I'm afraid that if we get a better offer in the meantime, you're on your own, Mister."
She could have bitten off her tongue or smacked herself or something. Clark looked startled, but he smiled at her and ran off as Lois turned to look at his mother, who was gazing back at her with raised eyebrows. She gave a little half-shrug and continued down the street. What could she say?
As the two of them were seated at a small table and ordered their food (Lois took the liberty of ordering Clark's favorite dish for him in his absence), Lois tried to keep the conversation in neutral territory. She managed to do so even after they'd been served, but it came to a point where she couldn't help herself. She had to ask. "So, I haven't really had a chance to talk to Clark much lately, as I'm sure he's mentioned. I was just wondering, how's he doing? I mean, really?" she attempted to as in an off-handed manner as if the answer didn't matter to her at all, but she knew she hadn't been particularly convincing when Mrs. Kent gave her a sympathetic look.
Lois winced and shifted slightly in her seat. "Okay, look, I don't want to ask you to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable sharing, but I just…I need to know that he's really okay. I need to know that he's happy."
Mrs. Kent grabbed Lois's hand across the table and gave it a quick squeeze. "Clark's," she paused, a doubtful look on her face, "well, you know how he is. He always tries to keep things to himself." She paused again and said softly, "He cares about you, Lois."
With a sardonic smile, Lois shook her head slightly and said, "He cares about everybody, Mrs. Kent. He can't help himself. That's what's both so wonderful and so aggravating about him."
"That may be true, but I know he misses you," Martha said, and, looking into Martha's eyes as she spoke, Lois found it hard not to believe her words to be true.
She wished she could lie, but she'd never been comfortable doing that to Mrs. Kent. "I miss him too," she confessed. Then, wanting to get off such an uncomfortable topic, she asked abruptly, "And, speaking of Clark, where is he? I mean, he could have walked to the Daily Planet building and back at least twice by now, even as slowly as he moves sometimes!"
"I think I see him now," her companion said, craning her head to look at something behind Lois's shoulder. "Oh!" Mrs. Kent cried softly in surprise as she sat up straighter to get a better look.
Wondering what could have caused that reaction, Lois gave her companion a bemused smile and turned to see Clark making his way to their table. He was trailing a familiar looking brunette behind him, and Lois could swear he wasn't happy about it.
The cheeseburger she'd partly eaten settled heavily on her stomach. Why did it always have to be Lana Lang? When the newcomers arrived at the table, Lois saw Clark try to catch her eye to offer her an apologetic smile, but she ignored him. There really wasn't a point. He didn't owe her anything; Lana had as much right to see Mrs. Kent as Lois herself did. Actually, considering the situation, she probably had more.
"I ran into Clark on his way back from the Planet," Lana was saying to Mrs. Kent. "He told me you were in town, and I just wanted to come by to say hi."
"That's very sweet of you, Lana," Martha said kindly before offering after a brief hesitation, "Would you like to join us?"
Lois could understand Mrs. Kent's dilemma, and it had nothing (or perhaps very little) to do with a potentially awkward moment. When the two of them had arrived at the restaurant, the place had been packed and they'd taken the only place that was available – a small table at the best that could most kindly be described of as "cozy" for three people but impossible for four, unless someone wanted to sit in someone else's lap.
"Oh, I'd love to, but…" Lana began, assessing the situation.
"Why don't you sit here?" Lois asked as she pushed her plate away and stood. When Lana, Clark, and Mrs. Kent all began to protest, Lois said as kindly as she could, "It's okay, really. I haven't really had a chance to check in with Perry yet today, and there are some things I really should take care of back at the Planet. Besides, Lana, you and Mrs. Kent should take some time to catch up." Lana still looked uncertain, but Lois barged ahead, leaving no time for anyone to protest. "Anyway, it was lovely seeing you, Mrs. Kent. Next time you're going to be in town, give me a call. Maybe we can go out and get a cup of coffee." With a little half-wave, Lois tossed some money on the table to cover her bill, turned, and left the restaurant.
She was standing on the corner, trying unsuccessfully to catch a cab when someone spoke behind her. "Lois?"
Turning, she asked, "Clark? What are you doing out here? Why aren't you inside?"
He looked adorably awkward as he put his hands in his pockets and said, "I was hoping you'd stay for lunch. There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about, and I don't want to do it at work."
"That's great, Clark, but I really don't know if now's the best time." She brushed her hair out of her eyes and glanced first up at him, then over at the front doors to the restaurant.
"It's never a good time lately," he challenged.
"Well, that may be true, but now really isn't the best time. Your mom's in town to see you, and your lunch is rapidly growing room temperature as we speak. Might I remind you how much you hate cold fries? You should save your mom and Lana the agony of having you pilfer theirs," she scolded him in a slightly teasing manner.
Clark almost grinned as he contradicted her, "I don't steal your fries. You steal mine. Remember?"
"Well, Clark, we're partners, so anything that's yours is by extension also mine. So, really, I'm just taking them back." She shook her head and said in a more serious fashion, "Anyway, like I was saying, you really should join the others."
He sighed and looked from her back to the restaurant. Then, with a quick swipe of his hand through his hair, he conceded, "Okay, but look, can we talk tonight? I just…" He looked away from her to the cars passing by them on the street before meeting her eyes once more. "I really need to talk to you."
Either she was in a really good mood or she really was a sucker for a guy in glasses, because she couldn't quite dredge up the energy to turn him down when he was looking at her the way he was. With a sigh, she capitulated somewhat reluctantly, "Okay. Tonight after work, meet me back at my apartment. Eight o'clock. And, Clark…don't be late." As she finally hailed a taxi and rode back to work, she wished she hadn't agreed to meet with him. Instead of concentrating on her story, she knew she'd spend the rest of the afternoon wondering what Clark was going to say to her tonight. More, she was wondering what she would do when he said it.
That night, Lois heard a knock on her door at eight o'clock sharp. Somewhat surprised by Clark's punctuality, she took a deep breath and braced herself as she let him into her apartment and poured them both some coffee while he seated himself at the kitchen table. As Lois sat across from him and took a sip of coffee, she regarded him over the brim; he looked uncomfortable and awkward and clearly didn't know where to begin. Finally, he said, "Your apartment looks different."
She glanced around the place. It looked the same to her, except that she'd put all of her photographs of the two of them together away. She'd decided to stop torturing herself, and he didn't need to know about the one secreted inside her bedside table drawer. She cleared her throat. It was time to get to the point. "I was in the mood for a change. What did you want to talk to me about?"
His uncomfortable look grew as he shifted in his seat. "It's about Lana," he said slowly before she cut him off.
"Woah!" She said emphatically as she raised her hand to gesture him to stop. "Before you say anything else, let me just stop you right there. I don't know why I apparently have to keep reiterating this, since I would expect it to be rather obvious and self-explanatory, but I really have absolutely no desire or need to hear about your relationship with Lana. If you're happy with her, then I'm happy for you, but I'd rather just spare myself all the nasty details, okay?"
"But that's just what I wanted to talk to you about, Lois! I'm not dating Lana!"
Frowning, Lois considered all the implications of this statement. Then she took a moment to imagine all of the places she could hide Lana's body. Finally, she said, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that things ended between the two of you, but I'm not going to be your consolation prize, so I fail to see…"
Clark was clearly getting frustrated, because he cut in, "Can't you just stop for one minute? Just stop and listen to me! I'm not dating Lana; I haven't been dating Lana! This isn't about her!"
She snapped, "Well, that's just great, Clark, but I really don't see why you've been so eager to clarify this point for me. Explain to me why I'm supposed to care about this, exactly."
"Because I lied to you," he said matter-of-factly.
"What?" she demanded, narrowing her eyes and looking intently into his face.
"I lied. I told you that I don't love you, and I do. I said I didn't want to be with you, but I can't stand waking up every morning without you. I can't keep pretending that I just want to be your friend."
Lois forced herself to take another sip of coffee as she digested his words. She'd wanted to hear him say them for so long, but now that he had, she wondered if it was enough. "So, then, why did you break up with me? If it wasn't because you didn't love me, and if it wasn't because of Lana, then why?"
Clark looked sadly into her face and said, "I…I almost lost you, and I couldn't stand it. I should have been there for you. Nobody should have been able to…I should have been there. I couldn't bear it if it happened again."
Tilting her head to the side, Lois asked skeptically, "So you solved that problem by ensuring you wouldn't be with me any longer? Even for you, that doesn't make any sense."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I can't explain it any more than that, but please believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you, Lois," he said earnestly.
With a snort, Lois retorted, "Well, then, may I say that your plan was well thought out? Because there's no way I'd be hurt by you telling me that you didn't love me, maybe never loved me, right?" She gave him a wry smile and said sarcastically, "Well done!"
He didn't have a response to that, and she knew he wouldn't. They sat in silence as Lois thought over what he'd said. She'd wanted him to come to her and tell her he wanted her back, and he had. But, somehow, it just wasn't enough. "I'm sorry, Clark, but that's just not good enough for me," she said finally.
"I've known you a long time, so I know how this game is played. You tell me you love me. We date for a while; I think everything is great. Then, one day, you come to me and tell me that you don't want to be with me any longer. We break up; I try to move on. But then, out of the blue, you come to me and tell me that you made a mistake and you want me back. Maybe I fall for that line right away, maybe I don't, but eventually it works, and I believe you and we get back together, but then it happens all over again. And again. And again.
"This, this right here, this is what you do. You did it with Lana for years, and you're doing it with me, and I've gotta tell you, Clark, that it's just not going to work this time. I'm not going to fall for it. For once, I'm going to learn from someone else's mistakes."
He was looking so pained, she wanted to change her mind. She wanted so badly to grab on to him and make him promise her that he wouldn't let her go. But he'd done that once, and she'd fallen for it. He'd told her he wasn't going anywhere, that he would always be there for her, but then he'd left. He'd broken her heart, and she wasn't going to let him do it to her a second time.
"Lois, I wish I could explain to you…" Clark began, rather desperately, but she didn't want to hear whatever it was he was going to say.
"I've never asked you for your secrets, Clark. I haven't asked for them before, and I'm not asking for them now. They're yours to keep. But you had a decision to make, and you made it. Now you're going to have to live with it."
"It isn't that simple, Lois!" he protested.
"Yes, it is! I'm sure, for whatever reason, you thought you didn't have a choice in the matter, but you did!"
Clark cleared his throat. "So are you telling me that you don't love me?"
"No. And even if I did, I think we'd both know that was a lie. I've loved you for years. I'll probably love you for the rest of my life. But I can live without you, and I will, because I don't want to end up hating you."
"Lois…" he tried one more time, but she'd had all she could take for one evening.
"No, Clark. I think we've said everything we needed to say, don't you? I think you should go now." She stood and made a great show of taking the mugs to the kitchen sink to wash up. It took her a moment to realize that Clark hadn't moved from his spot, but once she had, she stopped and gave him a long look with raised eyebrows. "Okay, Clark, see, that was pretty much your cue to leave. I know I have a tendency to be too subtle, but…"
"You're being a coward," he blurted before she could harass him any longer.
Lois jerked and stared at him, slack-jawed. "Excuse me?" she demanded, putting her wet hands on her hips. "Care to repeat that, farmboy, because I'm pretty sure I didn't just hear what I thought I just heard." She couldn't believe he might have just had the audacity to say what he did. In her entire life, nobody had ever dared to call her a coward.
He walked towards her until he stood across from her, the kitchen island between them – she had to assume it was to act as some sort of shield, because she might do him serious bodily injury if he called her that again. No, he wouldn't dare repeat himself.
"I said you're being a coward," he said angrily.
Okay, she was wrong.
She turned her head from side to side, taking stock of her surroundings. It still looked like her apartment. There were no obvious signs that she'd been transported suddenly to an alternate universe. Also, she noted that her head didn't hurt, so it was unlikely that she'd sustained a recent head injury that might have caused her to have hallucinations. She looked closely at Clark through narrowed eyes. He didn't look like he'd been struck by asudden fit of insanity, but she supposed one could never tell.
"Okay, Clark, do you care to expand on that comment, or should I just take this opportunity to put you out of your misery?" she snarled.
"You said I made a choice not to be with you, and maybe you're right. But you're the one making the decision now. Can you live with it?" he demanded.
"It's getting easier by the second," she ground out through gritted teeth, and she gestured once again to the door. "Clark, I swear, if you don't leave right now…" She didn't know how she was going to finish that statement, but it didn't end up mattering. He looked at her as if he was disappointed in her, which made her even angrier (though she hadn't thought that was possible), and left without another word.
For two days, Lois fumed over what Clark had said, and, to his credit, he did his best to stay out of her way. However, the animosity between the two of them was starting to affect their work, and it was not going unnoticed. Late one afternoon, Perry called the two of them into his office and reamed them both for letting their personal lives interfere with their professionalism. As Lois returned home, she pondered the situation and finally came to terms with the fact that she'd better either start thinking about something else or demand that she be given a new partner. Since she didn't think she could stand to break in someone new, she'd better try to find something else to think about. Lois sighed flopped down on her bed, where she proceeded to stare at the ceiling and contemplate who she could call to take her mind off of things.
Obviously, she couldn't call Clark since she wasn't speaking to him. Calling Mrs. Kent didn't make any logical sense, either. She was even reluctant to call Chloe. Lois knew her cousin well enough to know that, even if Chloe somehow refrained from asking about the most recent developments, she'd still be wondering about them during the entire course of their conversation. Somehow, Lois figured that Chloe's unspoken questions would end up being even harder to bear.
There was only one person Lois could think of that she didn't think would ask her about her failed relationship straight away. General Lane. It didn't hurt that he didn't know that she and Clark had broken up, but, even if he had known, he wasn't the type to grill her on the subject.
Quickly dialing the number, Lois prayed that she'd find her father in his office. A career military man, the General could be a hard man to pin down at times, so when he picked up, Lois breathed a sigh of relief.
They talked for a while about inconsequential things. He told her about some of the antics of the boys on base, and she regaled him with tales of her coworkers' most recent exploits. Eventually, however, they exhausted their anecdotes, and he asked her if there was anything new going on in her life. Lois pondered whether or not she should confess to the breakup. Though she still didn't want to dwell on the subject, she knew that she had kept her breakup from her father long enough. The man had sources, and it wouldn't go well for her if he had to find out something like that from somebody else.
"Actually, Dad, something did happen to me recently. Clark and I broke up," she said dispassionately.
"Oh, really?" he asked, sounding surprised. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Thanks, General, but I think sending in an armored tank squad may be a bit of an overkill, don't you?" she replied on a laugh.
A pause followed this comment, and then General Lane cleared his throat and said, "Lo, I'm also your father."
A bit taken aback by this comment, Lois stammered, "O-of course you are, Dad. But, really, everything's fine. Actually, it's all for the best, I swear, so you don't have to worry." When her father didn't respond, she rushed to fill the silence, "I mean, for one thing, I'll be saving a lot on air conditioning. Sleeping next to Clark is like sleeping next to a furnace; I don't know how that man gives off so much body heat, but…anyway, it'll be nice to have a lower electric bill this month."
"Okay, Lois, if you're ever wondering what types of things a father doesn't want to hear…" General Lane said dryly, and Lois smiled.
"Sorry," she said, but she knew she didn't sound particularly apologetic.
"Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about you and Clark, Lo. I really am."
"Seriously, this is actually a good thing. There are a lot of things about Clark that would drive even the most laid-back person insane, believe me. You didn't know him very well, but…" she began, but he interrupted her.
"He made you happy. That's all a father really needs to know."
Lois scowled. Great. She'd been happy to talk to the General tonight because she'd thought that could guarantee her a Clark-free zone. Even when she told him about her breakup, she was expecting that he would accept the news with his usual equanimity and that would be that. Her dad was supposed to take interest in military maneuvers, not her love life. What was wrong with the world?
She didn't know where the compulsion came from to ask her next question, but she found she couldn't resist it. "Dad, why didn't you ever get remarried after mom died?" After the words had left her mouth, she couldn't believe her own daring. She'd always wondered why her dad had elected to remain single after Ella Lane's death, but she'd certainly never intended to actually ask him. Lois honestly didn't know why she'd chosen to do so now.
Her father took so long to respond that Lois was afraid that he had somehow gotten cut off. Just as she'd opened her mouth to see if that was the case, however, he spoke. "I thought about it a few times, mostly when you girls were younger. Little girls need a mother. But…Ella was a very special woman, Lois. One of a kind. I don't think there's anyone in the world I could have loved as much as I loved your mom, and I wasn't willing to settle for anything less."
He coughed, then said abruptly, "Well, Lois, I'm going to have to let you go, but before I do, I wanted to tell you that I read that recent article you and Clark wrote – the one about the city contractors offering bribes, and I wanted to say it was a hell of a piece. But do you think that next time you can get the story without getting yourself almost killed in the process?"
Lois grinned. "I'll try, Dad."
"That's my girl. Good night, Lo," he said. Once she had returned the sentiment, she heard the click on the other line as the General got off the line.
With a heavy sigh, Lois hung up the phone and flipped over so that she was lying on her stomach in bed, her chin resting on her arm. She couldn't help thinking about what he had said about her mom, about how he wasn't willing to settle for a relationship that was anything less than what they'd had. Lois chewed on her lower lip for a moment before slowly reaching one arm below the bed. Groping blindly, she finally felt her fingers brush gently against the side of a box, and she carefully dragged it out from its hiding spot. After some serious contemplation of her actions, she slowly grabbed one corner of the top and gently removed it.
Inside were dozens of pictures of her and Clark – every picture she'd hidden away after the breakup. She'd done it because, at the time, it hurt too much to look at them. Now she needed to see them. She needed to see proof that she didn't feel about Clark the way her dad had felt about her mom. Lois needed to see that she could be happy without him.
With a tiny grunt as she lifted the box at an awkward angle, Lois pulled the container onto the bed. The pictures almost went flying as she maneuvered herself into a sitting position, but she managed to rescue them just in time. As if looking at the images for the first time, Lois intently examined every photograph in the box, looking for some sort of assurance that what she told herself was the truth. However, she couldn't deny that the images captured unanimously showed one inescapable truth:
She would never love anyone the way she loved Clark.
Oh, not all of the pictures had been taken during happy times. There was one that had been shot of the two of them in the aftermath of a heated argument. In the photo, Lois was glaring at Clark, and he was looking downright exasperated, even angry, with her. But there was also something else showing on her face – something other than irritation or anger. Something that she didn't think she'd ever feel for anyone other than the man in the photograph with her.
She had loved Clark Kent. And lying to herself about the depths of her feelings now wouldn't change that fact.
Could Clark have been right? Was she being a coward? She had chastised him for not having enough faith in their relationship to hold on when things got a little rough, but wasn't she doing the same thing? He had come to her and put everything he had on the line by telling her how he felt about her, and she had rejected him. She had chosen a miserable sort of safety, rather than allow herself to be hurt again.
Was it worth loving Clark, even if that meant she had to risk losing him? Maybe she could protect herself from a good deal of sorrow if she just let this be the end, but she would also sacrifice a good deal of joy as well. Nobody would ever make her cry like Clark had. But she knew that nobody would ever make her laugh the way he did, either. Nobody else would feel like home to her.
With a muttered expletive, Lois jumped to her feet, heedless of the photographs that went flying off her lap. He had been right; she was being a coward, but that was going to stop tonight. She paced around her room for a moment, trying to figure out what to do next. She was about to run out the door when she realized that it was still fairly early, and she had no idea if Clark was home or not. She knew for a fact that he tended to return home late, and as much as she wanted to see him, driving aimlessly around Metropolis seemed counterproductive.
Snatching up her phone again, she quickly dialed his number and waited impatiently for him to pick up. "Clark! I need to speak to you. Where are you?" she demanded as soon as he was on the line.
Sounding surprised to hear from her, he said, "Uh…I'm getting a cup of coffee."
"Great! Where? I'll come meet you," she said as she headed out the door.
"Actually, can you hold on for a moment?" She waited somewhat patiently for him to come back on the line. On the other end, she heard some muffled voices talking; one of them was Mrs. Kent, she was almost sure. Lois tried not to feel too disappointed. It hadn't even occurred to her that Martha might still be visiting, and, for the first time, Lois actually wished the older woman hadn't come. It would be impossible to talk to Clark with his mother around. She could wait, she supposed, but Lois Lane was never very good at waiting for anything.
"Sorry about that," he said suddenly, getting back on the line again.
"That's okay. Is your mom still in town? Because we can talk later if it's not a good time."
"Uh...no, my mom returned home earlier today. Why?"
She explained, "I thought I heard her in the background."
"Oh, that was…Lois, are you okay?" he asked suddenly, mid-sentence. "It's just that you haven't exactly been eager to talk to me lately, so I thought maybe there was something wrong…" His voice trailed off expectantly, and Lois took a deep breath before answering.
"No, everything's okay. I just needed to talk to you about something. Can I meet you, or…?"
"Um," Clark interjected, sounding uncertain. "Actually, why don't I meet you at your place? I can head on over now, if you want." She agreed and then hung up the phone. She didn't know how long it would take him to get there, and she really didn't know what she'd do once he arrived.
This odd contradiction made Lois feel paradoxically like both the longest and shortest ten minutes of her life passed while she was waiting for a knock on the door. When it came, she ran to usher Clark inside even though she still didn't have a clue what she was going to say to him.
"Lois, are you sure everything's okay?" he asked in concern as he shut the door behind him.
"I'm fine. I just needed to talk to you." She paused and nibbled on her lower lip a moment before continuing. The awkwardness between them was making this even more difficult than she'd imagined. It occurred to her that she should offer him a seat or a drink or something, but she knew she had to get this out now or she might never manage it. So, standing in her entranceway, she said curtly, "Okay, listen closely, because this may be the only time in your life that you hear me say this. I've been thinking about what you said, and you may have been…not entirely wrong. Maybe."
"You can't imagine how gratifying it is to hear you say that, Lois," he responded gravely, teasing her it a bit. She knew he only did so to try to alleviate some of the tension and she appreciated his efforts, but she still glared at him when he asked, "So are you saying that I was right?"
"No," she said firmly. "I'm saying that you may have had a point. A small one. Infinitesimal, really, so don't let it go to your head."
"Okay. I'll take what I can get. So what could I maybe might possibly have been somewhat, a little, but really not much or even at all right about?"
It took Lois a second to work through that convoluted comment, but once she had, she said with a wry smile, "You really enjoyed that, didn't you?"
"A bit," he agreed with a small smile.
"Well, stop it. I'm being serious." She couldn't stand still any longer, so she walked him farther into her apartment as she tried to explain to him the epiphany she'd had. "Look, this isn't easy for me, Clark. I don't trust many people; I'm just not that good at it. And I'm really not used to giving people a second chance. But I've been thinking about what you said, and I suppose that it's possible that I've decided not to be with you because I'm…scared." She spit out the word as if it were distasteful.
Turning back to him, she took a deep breath and said, her nervousness increasing, "I was telling the truth when I said that I could live without you. But I realized tonight that I don't want to go through the rest of my life missing you." She took a deep breath before continuing. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you wanted to give it another shot, I would…like that," she finished lamely.
When Clark didn't respond for a moment, she rushed to fill the silence, "Of course, if you've changed your mind, I'll understand. But I think you're giving up on me too quickly, and I just want to say that..."
Clark cut her off, "Lois, I haven't given up on you."
Beginning to feel incredibly stupid, Lois wondered how she could interview world leaders without being the least bit intimidated, but having to apologize to Clark made her a blithering idiot. She murmured, "Oh," and slowly reached her hand towards him.
They exchanged a long look before Clark stepped forward and entwined her fingers with hers. "I...would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?" he asked finally, and Lois breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn't come to her senses too late, after all.
"I would love to, Clark," she replied softly.
"Lois, I swear I never meant to hurt you," he murmured as he stepped closer to her and reached up to caress her cheek.
She gave him a somewhat shaky smile in return as she murmured back, "I know. I love you, Clark."
"I love you, Lois," he returned softly as he leaned in to give her a gentle kiss.
Lois returned the gesture as she slowly, almost gingerly, wrapped her arms around Clark and pulled him close. What had once felt so natural now felt a bit awkward; everything had not magically returned to normal just because the two of them had decided to give it another try. Still, she knew things would improve in time. As she broke off the kiss, she grinned up at him and teased, only half-jokingly, "By the way, Clark, I think we should keep my little confession that you might not have been totally wrong to ourselves. If you ever breathe a word of it to anyone, I'll make sure you live to regret it."
