And I do not know my own way to the sea
but the saltiest sea knows its own way to me;
If Daryl had thought that the group was broken before; now it was completely shattered. Before even confronting Hershel, it was clear that a strong divide had formed amongst the survivors.
They sat around the campfire discussing the situation in hushed tones. Shane was even jumpier than usual, his muscles twitching as though aching to go take care of the problem. Dale was at the opposite of the spectrum. Good old Dale, rather act on principle than survival. Daryl wasn't sure if he respected the man or if he thought he was an idiot. Probably a little bit of both.
As usual, Rick was in the middle of the two. Naturally, he had ordained that he would be the one to talk to Hershel about the walkers but apparently little good had come of it. He looked more deeply troubled than ever.
Lily was over at the old picnic table with Glenn. They seemed to be deep into discussion over something. A possessive fire had ignited in the pit of Daryl's stomach when he first saw them. But he remembered that to the rest of the group, he had no reason to be possessive. Deep down, he still wasn't even sure if he really did have a right.
He had tried to find a casual way to walk over and see what they were talking about. He thought Glenn was a decent man but it would certainly be out of character for him to approach as though they were old drinkin' buddies. Pretending to have a question about the schedule for watch, Daryl strode over quietly with his ears pricked up for any trace of their conversation.
"You just have to give her time. You did what you had to do. Once everything sinks in, she's going to understand that."
Sounds like some prissy girl talk.
"It's just, I've never felt about anyone the way that I feel about Maggie. But I don't know if it's love? Is it just because we're here? Because of everything?"
"Glenn, even if it is – it doesn't matter. This is our reality now. If Maggie and you are able to find a bit of happiness together, don't question it. The way things were before today is irrelevant."
Glenn's face broke out into a sheepish grin. "Is that why you're finding a bit of happiness with the redneck now?" Glenn made the joke in good humor but the putdown still made Daryl's blood boil. He was about to raise his voice (and perhaps a fist) when he was interrupted by Lily's light laughter.
"I guess I should have expected that nothing gets past you. I really don't know about Daryl. Sometimes I think he despises me and other times I feel like if I asked him for a kidney, he'd give it to me….or at least cut one out of somebody else."
"But does he make you happy?"
Lily paused for a moment, "I mean, I've only known him a few days. I know what you mean though about Maggie. I feel like we're always so on edge that an hour feels like weeks. I feel like I've been with you all for months at this point." The smallest of smiles, "But yes, I think he makes me happy."
"Well that can only be good for all of us. Maybe he'll stop being so mean if he's happy. You should have seen him when Merle was here. He was a nightmare."
A rush of anger and panic overtook Daryl. As though hearing about his life with Merle would cause Lily to change her mind about him. And who does Glenn think he is to talk about my life anyways. Daryl gruffly cleared his throat, making his presence known.
Lily jumped. Glenn looked a satisfying mixture of embarrassed and fear.
"Oh my god. We get it Dixon, you're good at hunting. It doesn't give you the right to sneak up on your friends." She was scowling at him but her eyes still hid a trace of a smile.
"It's not safe out here at night. Not with Hershel keeping those damn walkers in the barn. Chinaman, can't you talk your girlfriend into letting us put them down?"
Glenn looked down exasperated, "Oh, believe me. I've been trying. They won't hear any of it though. They just don't get it."
"Well I'd rather have twelve walkers locked up in the barn than have those twelve walkers scattered in the woods."
"Yeah girly, well I'd rather have twelve walkers dead."
Lily continued, "Well I just don't really see what the big deal is. I mean, isn't danger lurking around every corner? What difference is one more threat out of hundreds?"
"Do you always have to be so damn casual about all of this? This isn't some little game. This is survival. Oh wait, I forgot. You can afford to be casual about it because you always have men protecting you." Daryl knew that he was crossing a line again. My fucking temper is going to wreck everything. There was just something about thinking about Lily in danger that sent his mind into a rage. And the fact that she didn't seem to take her safety as seriously made it even worse.
Her hopeful smile had instantly vanished. His words had clearly cut deeply. "Oh yes Dixon. What would I ever do without all of the wonderful and protective men that I've come across?" Turning to Glenn with a reassuring smile, "I'm going to go help Carol put the dinner things away. If you need to talk later just come find me. If I see Maggie I'll be sure to tell her how beat up you are about it. She'll come around."
She passed Daryl without even looking at him.
"I can see what Lily means."
He shot Glenn a look, "what's that supposed to mean?"
"She can't tell if you love her or hate her. Man, we're all striking out tonight."
Daryl didn't speak to Lily for the rest of the night. Or rather, she wouldn't speak to him. After helping the women clean up, she retired to Andrea's tent without saying goodnight to him.
As he sat up during his watch, he found that he kept stealing glances in the direction of her tent. He had hoped that she would creep out and sit with him again. Not only that, with the walkers so close in the barn, he felt his need to protect heightened. If any of those bastards got out, they wouldn't make it to her sleeping form.
A few hours later, Shane came out to take over the watch. His eyes were bloodshot, his body tense. "You sleep at all Shane? You look like shit."
"How anybody can fucking sleep with those things locked up over there is a mystery to me. Fucking Hershel and Dale. Fucking Rick. Nobody has the balls to do what has to be done. Just you and me."
Hearing Shane group him in with himself made Daryl's skin crawl. Shane was becoming more and more unhinged as the days progressed. Yeah, Daryl knew he could do the tough jobs. The bloody jobs. But he wasn't dangerous. He wasn't heartless.
He nodded silently and left Shane to his watch.
The next day began uneventfully. Daryl slept in a bit later than usual. As if trying to put off the tensions of the group for as long as he possibly could. Andrea was putting away the remnants of breakfast by the time he got to the rest of the camp. She nodded a functional 'good morning.' "Lily left you a bit of oatmeal and coffee on the table over there. It might be a bit cold by now."
His stomach did a little flip. So she might hate him at the moment but at least she didn't want him to starve. Andrea looked at him through lidded eyes. "She's off with Maggie and Beth right now if you were wondering. Just watch, Hershel is gonna kick us all out and just keep her and Glenn on."
"Heh, wouldn't surprise me." He grabbed his bow and was making his way for a quick hunt when suddenly the farm was overtaken with commotion.
Hershel and Rick. And walkers…on leashes. Aw hell no. For a second Shane's words from the night before flashed through Daryl's mind. Had Rick really lost it? What was he doing playing into Hershel's delusions?
As though reading his mind- Shane stormed out from the RV followed by a very distraught Dale. The shouts, gunfire, and death groans of the walkers had quickly drawn out the entire group. Lily, Beth, and Maggie sprinted over from the porch where they had been matching socks.
Shane continued his tirade about survival and what a waste the search for Sophia turned out to be. About all of the needless risks that they'd taken. About how they needed to start thinking seriously about survival. He grabbed the bag of guns that Dale had tried to keep hidden. And everyone watched in horror as he marched over to the barn.
The next several minutes were just a haze in Daryl's mind. He knows that Shane opened the door. That Shane released all of the walkers. He remembers the horrified cries from Hershel and his girls. But above all, he remembers Lily's presence. Which is why he acted so quickly in putting those walker's down in a frenzy.
And then Sophia.
Holding an anguished Carol, Daryl felt as though his heart had been ripped from his chest. This is what you get for trying to help. For trying to care. You couldn't do that right and now look at this all.
He looked over at Lily, standing with Lori – them both helplessly trying to console Carl. For the first time since the night, before she met Daryl's gaze. Her eyes were so deep with concern that he knew he had to look away. Same damn thing is going to end up happening to her as Sophia. You can try to keep her safe but don't get attached.
You can never get attached.
The discovery of Sophia marked a change in Daryl. He helped Hershel's family bury the walkers. He even stuck around for Sophia's makeshift funeral. But something inside of him had hardened. In a matter of hours, a tangible distance had seemed to grow between him and the group. Even when Carol reached out to him, he rebuffed her concern.
Lily hadn't tried to talk to him. He was glad.
He gathered his belongings, dismantled his tent and dragged it to the far corner of the farm, even more isolated that his previous spot had been. Thoughts of going off on his own kept flashing through his mind. He could just get on Merle's bike and get away from all of this mess. He could be gone by morning.
He assembled his tent, wrestling with himself inside. It was then that he realized how exhausted he was. The strain of the day had really taken its toll on him. He unrolled his sleeping bag and was shocked by how quickly sleep was claiming him, even after everything that had happened that day.
A sliver of light appeared at the entrance to his tent. Damn it. He had been so tired that he didn't even hear footsteps approaching. Instinctively, he reached for his bow. It was never far from his body when he slept.
"Whoa, easy fella. It's just me." Lily's voice was soft and gentle. As his eyes adjusted he could make out her figure in the darkness. She was in the same long sleeved flannel from the other night. Her hair was loose down her back.
"What do you want?" He kept his tone cold but he had to admit that he was intrigued.
She ignored his frigidity. "I was worried about you. I know today was really hard for you."
"A lot harder for Carol."
"I know, I can't imagine what she must be going through – losing a child. She's with Andrea and Lori, they're taking good care of her. I wanted to make sure that you were okay."
"I'm fine."
"Dixon, you would say you were fine if your own hair was on fire."
Daryl watched as she, hunched over, crossed the tiny expanse of his tent. She gently lowered herself down on the pile of quilts beside him.
"What are you doing?" Daryl could feel his heart in his throat, warmth rushing through his body.
"I want to stay with you. You shouldn't have to be alone after tonight. If you want me to go, I will. But just think of how much you'll hate me walking all the way back in the dark." Even in the dark, he could make out the soft, playful smile on her lips.
"No. Stay." He had meant to sound nonchalant about it but between his desire for her and his excitement at her being here, the command came out as a mixture between a choke and a growl.
She wriggled her body closer to his on the sleeping bag, until she was cozied up, her skin flush against his. "Look Daryl, I meant what I said the other night.."
He cut her off, "Don't worry." He was at a loss for words feeling her next to him. It would be almost criminal for him to expect anything more. Her head found his chest and she absentmindedly ran her hand along his torso with more tenderness than he would have guessed from her.
She hummed contentedly and was soon falling asleep. Now, Daryl was wide-awake. As she dozed, he took the liberty of examining the figure in his arms. He was able to brush his hand over her bare thigh, feel the soft curve of her hip. Her breasts were pressed against the side of his torso and the sensation alone was making him hard. He only hoped that it wouldn't be obvious enough to her.
Now, he definitely couldn't sleep.
He tried to take his mind off of her body. He didn't know what it was about this one. Thinking back to her conversation with Glenn: how could she possibly think that he hated her? It seemed that since she arrived, everything he did was done with the thought of her wellbeing in mind. Here she is though. You must be doing something right.
She had the sweetest expression as she slept. Even with everything going on, she still managed to sleep soundly with him. Despite their limited time together, she still placed her absolute trust in him. Realizing this, Daryl reached his free arm to make sure his bow was a moment's notice away. The thought of needing to be alert to protect her made the promise of sleep dull in comparison. Besides, sleep would mean becoming unconscious to the soft form beside him.
So much for not getting attached.
