What I Want

A/N: This is actually a pretty important chapter...yet unfortunately I'm still not completely satisfied with it. Still no point in putting off posting it any longer. Hope you guys like it.

Chapter 7 – Torn

"Find someone else. Find five someone elses. Hell find ten. You'll see that this guy isn't unique or special at all. He's just a douchebag."

Michael words rang in Sebastian's ears as he walked into the Wired Bean, a trendy wi-fi enabled coffeehouse that he knew was a popular haunt for teens his age who were outside of the mainstream. It seemed like a good place to find another gay guy and indeed as soon as he entered he quickly spied a likely candidate. The boy was about his age, perhaps a year or so younger with medium length dark hair that he kept longer in the front. Currently his bangs were partially obscuring his eyes and face.

Sebastian stole a few more glances at the boy as he walked past on his way to the counter to order his beverage. His hairstyle made it difficult for Sebastian to see if he truly was cute or not, but he was wearing a snug black t-shirt that clung nicely across his shoulders and narrow waist. He was also speaking in quiet, but animated tones with a gal pal at the same table, and based on their body language and gestures Sebastian's gaydar told him with reasonable certainty that he was witnessing a conversation between a fag and his hag rather than between a straight guy and his girlfriend.

After picking up his drink Sebastian made it a point to walk right by their table and pause briefly, seemingly to look at his cell phone. From the corner of his eye he was pretty sure he saw the dark-haired boy check him out. He casually sat down at a nearby table and continued 'checking his phone,' this time using the action as an ruse to affect a wide smile and soft laugh. Sure enough the teen looked in his direction and fidgeted nervously. Sebastian raised his eyes, smile still in place, and glanced right at the boy, finally getting a proper look at his face. He found that he was neither disappointed nor impressed by the guy's features. All in all they were fairly average, but Sebastian did think it was rather cute how a blush rushed to the boy's face and he quickly looked away, returning his attention to the girl at his table. A moment later Sebastian looked up from his phone again and once more caught the stranger staring at him. This time Sebastian made full eye contact and grinned.

Sebastian suppressed an amused chuckle at the panic-stricken expression that formed on the boy's face in response to being caught looking. He nervously raised his beverage to his lips and gulped down a few swallows, seeming to burn his mouth in the process, but obviously struggling to hide that fact as Sebastian looked on. It really was quite adorable and Sebastian started to feel guilty about his intentions. Then he once again remembered his brother's words.

"If you want to get over him then go get under someone else."

Sebastian sighed. He still didn't know if this would help but he was desperate to try anything to be free of Sean. On a rational level he knew that it was ridiculous to be so hung up on this guy. After all beyond being superficially attractive and popular what did Sean really have going for him that should make Sebastian feel so obsessed? Sure he had taken Sebastian's virginity, but that shouldn't matter. Sebastian couldn't accept the fact that he was the kind of person who would get so hung up on something like that. Intellectually he knew that there was no reason whatsoever for him to feel such a bond with Sean...So why did it still hurt so much when he thought about the attractive blond? It was actually quite pathetic; Sebastian hated Sean – and hated himself even more – because pathetic or not he still wasn't able to forget about the guy and move on.

Despite what his brother had said about learning to turn off his feelings, Sebastian hadn't actually had any success with doing so. Oh it was true that the initial pain he had felt, the throbbing hurt that had rattled around in his stomach in the days and weeks right after his encounter with Sean was mostly gone now; however, in its place was a sort of dull ache which seemed to throb over a backdrop of cold emptiness. This feeling was just as bad, perhaps even worse, than that first, stabbing pain had been. The stabbing pain had merely told Sebastian that he was hurt. This dull, aching emptiness, however, told him that he was beyond hurt; he was broken.

Sebastian laughed again, this time quite sincerely, but also quite sardonically. He felt like an over-dramatic cliché. These types of feelings weren't okay. Certainly not in response to a cruel, self-involved prick who didn't give a damn about him and hadn't even cared enough to go slow for Sebastian's first time. He knew he had to find a way to fill that cold emptiness; he had to find a way to be free of Sean completely. Sebastian found himself once again looking up at the awkward gay teen at the next table.

"He totally just checked you out, Matt!" Sebastian overheard the boy's gal pal sequel in delight.

Sex. Sex had caused Sebastian's problems in the first place, but he'd be damned if he would let it ruin his life completely. Michael was right; if Sean didn't want him then someone else would. Someone hotter, or better, or just nicer. Nicer like this boy, whose name was apparently Matt. Of course Sebastian hadn't actually met Matt, but it was a reasonable bet that he was nicer than Sean.

Matt's pale skin flushed red at his friend's assertion. He lowered his head, dark hair falling further across his face. "He probably just thought I looked familiar or something."

Sebastian felt another twinge of guilt as he continued openly studying the boy. Nicer. This shy stranger did seem nicer, much nicer, vulnerable even. Sebastian hated the thought of making Matt feel the way that Sean had made him feel. No way could he justify his plan because he knew it would only work if Matt got hurt, if Sebastian took what he wanted and then walked away. If he stayed afterward, if he was nice to Matt, if he dated him even, then there was no point. Sebastian would still be just as weak and exposed as ever and he didn't see how those feelings could possibly help him forget the pain Sean had caused him. If anything it would just allow Matt to cause him pain in the long run too.

"No way! He totally wants you," the girl insisted jubilantly.

"He does not!" Matt whispered back more loudly than he intended.

Want. Sebastian pondered that feeling. Did he want Matt? Of course he had no feelings for him at all other than mild lust and general curiosity; he hadn't even spoken to him yet. But as he considered the lines of chest, the angle of his shoulders, and the gentle quality of his face, Sebastian had to admit he most definitely did feel that sense of lust. He did want Matt, at least as an object, and really that was kind of the point of Michael's advice.

Sebastian still couldn't justify his plan, not at all; it was awful and he knew it. Yet he couldn't abandon it either. It just hurt too much thinking about Sean. He had to do something to make Sean seem less special, less significant. This boy would just have to be collateral damage. If it came down to Sebastian's survival and recovery or someone else's he had no choice but to choose his own. Besides Sebastian didn't have anyone he could count on for support except perhaps for his asshole brother. Matt on the other hand looked like the kind of person who did have people he could count on for comfort, this girl for instance. He would be okay.

Sebastian cleared his throat and rose from the seat at his table. When both pairs of eyes snapped up to look at him he gave them his most disarming smile. "Perhaps I can help clear this up?"

The girl gasped in surprise as she realized that they had been overheard, but her smile quickly widened as she became eager to hear what the attractive guy they had been speculating about had to say. For his part however, Matt's blush only deepened and he found himself silently praying that the floor would just open up and swallow him whole, chair and all.

"Your friend is right; I was checking you out," Sebastian confirmed speaking directly to Matt and crossing the small distance to their table, casually taking a seat. Sebastian knew that there was no point in trying to do this at all if he wasn't going to do it right. "I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable. You're just really cute. It was hard to look away, but I didn't mean to stare."

Matt lowered his face even further, doing his best to conceal himself completely. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"Matt's a little shy sometimes," the girl explained to Sebastian.

"Really? I'd never have guessed!" Sebastian answered playfully. "I'm Sebastian by the way."

"I'm Kara, and may I say, it's a pleasure to meet you, Sebastian," the girl responded extending her hand in an exaggeratedly formal gesture.

"The pleasure is all mine, Kara," Sebastian said charmingly as he upped the ante by taking her hand and kissing rather than shaking it. He reasoned that it couldn't hurt to win the guy's friend over after all, and judging by the way she giggled in delight at the unexpected antic Sebastian knew that he was well on his way. "Matt?" Sebastian continued as he shifted his attention back to the dark-haired boy.

Matt looked up slowly at Sebastian, his eyes still partially hidden by his bangs.

"May I have the pleasure?" Sebastian inquired with a cheeky grin as he offered the teen his hand to shake.

"Uh, good to meet you," Matt said softly as he shook Sebastian's hand, still too shy to make eye contact with his handsome new acquaintance.

"You have great hair, Matt," Sebastian complimented. "But if you'll forgive the forwardness I want to check something."

Not waiting for a response Sebastian leaned across the table and gently put his fingers in Matt's soft bangs, sweeping them to the side. Matt's eyes widened in shock and anxiety.

"Yep, I was right," Sebastian said giving Matt the full impact of his broadest smile while he still had the boy's attention. "Your eyes are absolutely beautiful. I knew they would be."

"They're just brown," Matt said dismissively with a shrug as he leaned out of Sebastian's reach and wasted no time in shaking his hair back into place, eager for the feeling of coverage that it provided.

"Just brown?!" Sebastian exclaimed in disbelief before pausing and taking a closer look at the t-shirt Matt was wearing. A tactic formed in his head and he quickly continued. "And I guess My Chemical Romance is just a band."

"You like My Chemical Romance!" Matt blurted out with more excitement and enthusiasm than Sebastian had seen him exhibit.

"Of course!" Sebastian answered. I think I've heard one or two of their songs on the radio before.

"What's your favorite song?" Matt asked eagerly as he rethought his earlier perception of Sebastian as something other than hot but preppy. Maybe they really would have something in common.

"Oh man, I just love them all. I honestly don't think I could even pick a favorite if I had to. What about you?"

"Helena, The Sharpest Lives, Teenagers, To the End, and Cancer," Matt recited animatedly. "But you're right, they're just all really good."

"Well if you guys are gonna talk music I'm out of here," Kara said with a smile as she stood, wanting to give the boys some one-on-one time and deciding that Sebastian had a knack for drawing Matt out and wouldn't need her help.

"Kara wait!" Matt objected feeling terrified at the thought of being alone with Sebastian.

Ignoring Matt's objection Sebastian stood and bowed formally to Kara. "M'lady, until we meet again," he said grandly as he once again took her hand and kissed it, earning himself another delighted squeal from the girl before she walked off, content that her friend was in good hands.

"We don't have to talk about music, Matt," Sebastian said coyly as he sat back down and then proceeded to brush his foot against Matt's under the table.

"What uh...what did you wanna talk about?" Matt asked awkwardly.

"Anything you want. I know a cool 'getting to know you' kind of game. It's called Favorites. We basically just take turns asking each other what our favorites are of random things. Up for it?"

"Uh yeah, sure," Matt answered, trying to remind himself to just relax and breathe. This shouldn't be hard; all he would have to do is just answer simple questions and let Sebastian do the rest of the talking.

And so it went that somewhere after determining that Matt's favorite Beatle was John Lennon and his favorite taste was salty, Sebastian had slid into the chair directly next to Matt. By the time he learned that Matt's favorite animal was a dolphin – and then preceded to get into a debate with him about whether or not a dolphin was really an animal – they had decided to leave the coffee house and go for a walk. When Sebastian announced that belts were his favorite type of clothing accessory he had slid his hand into Matt's. After Sebastian revealed that kissing was his favorite date activity Matt admitted that he had never been kissed.

"Hmm?" Sebastian murmured as he looked up at the night sky clearly pondering something.

"What is it?" Matt asked, looking up too, but completely at a loss for why.

"I just wanted to make sure the moon and at least some stars were visible," Sebastian answered as he rejoined their hands.

"Why?" Matt asked, merely because it seemed like the right response. He was too distracted by the feeling of Sebastian's fingers on his skin to really even care.

"Because everyone should have their first kiss under the moonlight," Sebastian answered as he abruptly pulled Matt against his body. Rather than go in for the kiss right away he moved his face close to Matt's and gave him a gentle look and a soft smile.

Sebastian knew that he was doing everything right. That this was just the way romance was supposed to work. For a brief moment he let himself get caught up in the idea. Maybe he could just let himself get swept up in the moment and fall in love naturally. He took a few seconds to examine Matt's face again, frantically searching it in the hopes that it would elicit a feeling of connection in him, that he wouldn't have to go through with his original plan. Nothing. All he felt was an ache in his chest as he thought about the fact that he and Sean had never had a night like tonight.

While Sebastian studied him the trembling boy realized what must have been coming and closed his eyes. It seemed to be taking forever for Sebastian to finally close the small distance between them and all he could think was how much he hoped his chest wouldn't explode before he finally got his first kiss.

And then it happened. Matt felt Sebastian's lips on his and then strong arms were wrapping around his waist. Matt sighed into the kiss and was ecstatic when he felt Sebastian's tongue lightly fluttering against his mouth, tentatively requesting access, access which Matt wasted no time in granting. He couldn't believe how lucky he was, how amazing this night was going. It was all so perfect. Against what Matt considered to be all odds, this hot, witty, charming guy was actually interested in him. Sebastian actually wanted him, and he couldn't get over how good it felt. Matt just knew that this was going to be the beginning of something wonderful, the start of what would be a strong bond.

Matt sighed again, lost in his thoughts and emotions, lost in a blissful fantasy of imagining what could be. Then the next thing Matt knew Sebastian had dialed up the intensity even higher and suddenly he was so overwhelmed that he was finding it difficult to breath. Thoughts of romance and dating were quickly pushed aside as his hormones reminded him that he was a fifteen-year-old boy kissing the guy of his dreams. The fairytale could wait; there was a hot guy to make out with.

Sebastian took the opportunity to guide the breathless boy backward until he was pressed against the side of a nearby building which they had been passing when their impromptu kissing began. He slid his hands down from around Matt's waist until they were cupping his ass, purposely shifting the tone from romantic to physical. Sebastian squeezed their bodies together even more tightly, making sure their fronts were flush with each other, and kissing Matt ever harder.

Sebastian briefly considered his feelings again while he let his body do what came naturally. He was dismayed to find that he still felt nothing but lust for Matt. No romance, no close connection, just lust...but lust would just have to do. Besides lust was something Sebastian knew how to handle. It was familiar, safe. If only the extent of Sebastian's feelings for Sean had stopped at lust he probably wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place.

Sebastian slid his hand up the front of Matt's t-shirt, fingers pressing against taut flesh. Matt's stomach wasn't muscular and rippled like Sean's had been; it was merely flat and tight. However, muscles or not the sensation of hot, firm flesh was getting Sebastian thoroughly worked up. Lust. Lust had never betrayed Sebastian. It was those other feelings that had gotten him into trouble. Perhaps if he just listened to lust, and only his lust, he could finally break free.

"We can't do this here," Matt whispered in protest as he finally broke the lip-lock, still reeling from the intensity of his first kiss and trying to get a handle on the amazing new situation he found himself in.

"We can go back to my house," Sebastian suggested, fully recommitting himself to his strategy of seducing Matt in the hopes of getting over Sean. It still didn't entirely make sense in his head, but the way he looked at it if he had sex with Matt that would make Sean no more special than Matt. Thus if he could walk away from Matt, he could walk away from Sean.

Matt faltered for a few moments, at a loss for what to say. He suddenly felt uncomfortable with how quickly they were moving. Sebastian was the first person he had ever even kissed. The logical side of his brain was telling him that a first kiss probably shouldn't immediately lead to a first...whatever they were about to do. Yet, he wanted Sebastian; he wanted him very much. Sebastian was one of the most attractive guys he had ever seen, and certainly the first boy to pay attention to him the way that he was doing. Maybe it made Matt easy, or slutty, or whatever it was people liked to say about those who put out right away, but Matt just wanted to feel desired, wanted to hang on to the special feeling that Sebastian was giving him.

"Mine's probably closer," Matt answered tentatively after a little while. "We're only about three blocks away."

"Yours it is then," Sebastian responded with a broad smile before gently pushing Matt backward against the wall again and launching another assault on his mouth. The last thing he wanted was for Matt's hormones to cool down. Sebastian knew that the brunet was intensely shy. Right now his timidity was being tempered by lust, but if his passion simmered, Sebastian suspected his anxiety would boil. Better to keep him going, and judging by the needy way the boy returned the kiss, and the shameless way he was writhing against Sebastian's body it was obvious that Sebastian had succeeded in making sure sex was the only thing on Matt's mind.

"We...we gotta go," Matt gasped out a couple of minutes later.

"Lead the way," Sebastian answered, pleased with how calm his voice sounded. This was starting to get easier than he had expected. Certainly he wanted Matt; he wanted to fuck him. He was every bit as turned on as Matt seemed to be, but now that he thought about it, he didn't actually care much what happened with Matt. He was pretty sure he had him right where he wanted him, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work out. He could just go home, jerk off, and try his luck again the next day. That knowledge gave Sebastian a powerful feeling he had never felt before. He had control. Matt didn't matter; Sebastian would get off either way, and eventually he would fuck someone else. No, Matt didn't matter, and soon Sean wouldn't matter either.

"My parents might be home," Matt said nervously as they walked up the driveway to his house.

"Then we'll go to your room," Sebastian answered calmly as his fingers slid into Matt's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Okay," Matt agreed softly before unlocking the front door. Matt realized that somewhere along the line his fairytale night had turned quite a bit more rated R, but he was too worked up to care. As he entered his home he was relieved to discover that his parents were no where in sight. Not wanting to linger he held a finger to his lips to urge Sebastian to remain silent and then quickly lead him through the modest house and to his room.

"I don't think they heard us," Matt whispered as he shut and locked his bedroom door. He barely got the words out before Sebastian was pulling him in for another frenzied kiss.

After making out and messing around for several minutes Sebastian rolled off the bed and pulled something out of his now-discarded pants.

"W-what's that?" Matt asked with wide eyes as he took in the sight of the foil wrapped packet. He already knew of course, but he was surprised to see it suddenly introduced into their activities.

"A condom," Sebastian answered with a smirk.

"You were carrying one?" Matt asked, finding it odd and struggling to suppress the anxiety it caused him.

"Yep, always be prepared. It's the motto of Boy Scouts and sex fiends alike," Sebastian quipped, trying to lighten the mood. When he saw the concerned, hesitant look still lingering on Matt's face he felt his guilt return in full force, and decided that this might be a good excuse to just abandon his plan. Maybe he didn't have to go all the way with Matt to get over Sean. Maybe just messing around would be enough. He didn't want to actually hurt Matt if he could help it.

"We don't have to if you're not ready," Sebastian said quietly, meaning it. He even silently hoped that Matt would back out. Sebastian had mostly committed himself to trying this new plan, but it didn't have to be with Matt. It didn't have to with such a nice, shy, obviously sensitive person. There was always the next guy after all. He could let Matt go.

Matt felt torn over what to do. Part of him felt like he should ask to wait, to see how things went with Sebastian first, but another very urgent part of him wanted nothing more than to just go for it. Besides if he waited what if Sebastian lost interest? Matt couldn't imagine finding a guy as good as Sebastian again. He glanced up at Sebastian again, embarrassed but openly studying him, all of him. That pretty much settled it. Sebastian was just so gorgeous and he'd been completely great all night. Matt couldn't imagine anyone more perfect to take his virginity. There was just one nagging fear.

"No, I-I do want to. I just...well we're together now right? Like as a couple?"

Sebastian's stomach dropped. He didn't know what to say. Was he supposed to just lie to Matt? About this that was obviously the deciding factor. Was he supposed to just say whatever Matt needed to hear so he could fuck him? He knew that's what Sean would have done. Sean fucking Meunier. He hated the bastard. But hate or not, he felt his stomach - and his cock - twitch as he thought about him. He had to make it stop. He couldn't feel like this any longer. He couldn't waste another day hung up on that stupid asshole.

"If you want to get over him then go get under someone else. It's easy..." he heard Michael say.

His brother had been very sure that this was the answer, and for once Sebastian was reasonably certain that Michael wasn't just screwing with him, that he really did want to help. Sean would lie about this. Michael would probably want him to as well...

"Yeah. We're together now," Sebastian heard himself saying stiffly.

"Okay," Matt said quietly, too embarrassed to look at Sebastian, but realizing that he had made his decision. "Uh...how do you want to-"

"I wanna top," Sebastian answered right away. It's what Sean had done after all.

A few minutes later Sebastian found himself lined up and ready to go. He examined his feelings one final time, searched for any connection he might feel with Matt - still nothing. He searched to see if it still hurt as bad when he thought about Sean - it did.

"Trust me, you won't feel anything for him anymore," Michael whispered.

"I'm sorry, Matt," Sebastian said softly as he simultaneously gripped the boy's hips and pushed forward, penetrating someone for the first time.

-000-

"You heard me," Sebastian said harshly as he rolled his sweat-covered off the bed. As soon as he made contact with the floor and stood up he winced and crashed back down to the bed. However, before Sam could touch him he stumbled into the bathroom.

"Don't fucking be here when I get out, asshole," Sebastian snapped as he slammed and locked the door.

Shock and anguish crashed over Sam. His head was reeling from the sudden turn of events, desperate to make sense out of what had just happened. Only moments ago everything had been right and he'd been completely at peace. His body had felt utterly relaxed, perfectly exhausted after his strenuous love-making. His mind had been calm and content too, comfortable in his actions and in the experience. He had fought his feelings for Sebastian long enough; he had fought his desire for long enough. Then he had given up. He had surrendered to the way Sebastian made him feel, surrendered to his urges. It had felt right and wonderful, and Sam had been relaxed and happy.

But now he was tense, running, racing to keep up. He physically ran to the bathroom door to check on Sebastian while he mentally ran through everything in his head. What had gone wrong? Where had he messed up? What had he missed?

"Sebastian! Sebastian what happened? What did I do? Are you okay?" Sam pounded the flat of his hand against the bathroom door, frantic for an answer. He didn't think he could go another moment without knowing what had happened to abruptly end his short-lived bliss.

"Now get the fuck out of my house you brutal son-of-a-bitch." Sebastian's words rang in Sam's ears.

Brutal. Sebastian had called him brutal. Shame washed over Sam as he replayed the last few minutes of their encounter in his head. Had he been rough? Yes of course...well actually no, Sam reconsidered a split second later. He hadn't been rough; he had been brutal just like Sebastian had said. He had completely gotten out of control and gone way too far. He felt sick from the realization and the abrupt clarity it brought.

"Oh my god, Seb! I'm so sorry I hurt you!" Sam shouted through the door. "I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry."

Sam leaned against the door in frustration. As he did so he noticed the condom still clinging to his partially deflated penis. He sighed in frustration and pulled it off by the base, intending to throw it away but instead gasping in horror a moment later. The condom was tinged red.

Sam felt his blood run cold as he numbly walked back to the bed, petrified of what he would find, but unable to resist checking. Sure enough in addition to the copious amounts of what were undoubtedly sweat and semen staining the bedsheets there were also definite traces of an angry red. Sam blinked rapidly and his stomach rolled over, threatening to spill its contents.

"Sebastian," Sam said haltingly as he returned to the door. "I think you might be hurt."

-000-

"Don't fucking be here when I get out, asshole," Sebastian snapped as he slammed and locked the door. However as soon as he was safely ensconced in the room he felt his resolve crumble and he promptly slid down onto the bathroom floor, gasping for breath as he tried to regain his composure.

I hate him. I hate him. He's an stupid asshole, Sebastian chanted to himself as he squeezed his eyes shut and thought about everything he didn't like about Sam. What the blond had done to his ass was a good start.

Everything hurt. He felt like his entire body had been stretched beyond its limits and then torn open. He knew that as soon as the sharper burn faded from the muscles of his arms, legs, and stomach it would be replaced with an uncomfortable stiffness. That he could have dealt with, but what really hurt was his ass. He felt like his insides were in danger of falling out through his angry, throbbing opening.

True enough, he had enjoyed himself in the moment. It had still hurt, but he'd been high on endorphins and the general rush of the experience itself, but now that he'd cum, now that it was all over, his body was rapidly becoming aware of just how much it had gone through and Sebastian found himself feeling sick, dizzy, and lightheaded.

It was worth it to be done with Sam though. He'd had to get the attractive athlete out of his system once and for all, and a quadruple serving of what the blond had to offer should just about do it. Plus the pain, and the anger he now felt toward him made it much easier to strengthen his resolve. He'd been wrong about Sam. He wasn't some special, magical exception to the general shitty quality of the human race. He was just another dumb jock who thought with his dick. Just another victory for Sebastian to claim...and sometimes winning hurt.

On the periphery of his awareness Sebastian realized that Sam was yelling something at him through the door, but he couldn't focus enough on it to actually discern the words. Sam. Sam fucking Evans. He hated Sam. He hated the way Sam had used him, hurt him, pushed the limits further than he had any right to. Who the hell did he think he was anyway? He was just another goddamn son-of-a-bitch and Sebastian couldn't believe he had briefly felt anything other than contempt and hostility for the guy.

"Oh my god, Seb! I'm so sorry I hurt you!" He heard Sam shout through the door as his mind finally made an effort to discern the words. "I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry."

Yeah that's about right. You're apologizing now, but it didn't stop you from taking what you wanted, just like every other prick.

Sebastian's thoughts started to betray him, started to remind him that he had been the one to urge Sam on. He willed himself to stop thinking along those lines; that wouldn't do at all. This was Sam's fault; Sam had hurt him. He hated Sam. He was done with Sam. He'd never even have to see him again once the idiot finally got the hell out like he'd been told.

Sebastian groaned and pulled himself to his feet, deciding that it was time to actually start cleaning himself up. Besides, at least the pain he felt at having to gingerly walk across the room and sit down in the tub helped remind him of just what a prick the stupid, blond singer really was. His head hit the back of the tub with a loud thwack, but it didn't matter; what was one more sore body part?

It hurt too much to stretch forward and turn on the water and actually fill the tub, so Sebastian took another few moments to think. He had never been on the receiving end of sex this rough before. The only experience that came anywhere close was his first time with Sean. Suddenly images of the younger, more distantly removed, attractive blond flashed across Sebastian's brain. Sean fucking Meunier.

Sex with Sean had hurt a lot at first too, but then it had transitioned to something intense and mostly pleasurable. Sex with Sam had been more or less the opposite. It had been gentle at first and completely pleasurable at first, but then it had transitioned to something intense and mostly painful by the end...and Sebastian knew that it had been exactly what he had wanted, what he had needed from Sam. It was the only way to make sure he would never want to be with Sam again. Besides, Sebastian reasoned, it had been a test of sorts. He had to see if Sam really would hurt him the same way that Sean had hurt him...and Sam definitely had - and then some. That made it okay to hate Sam, to want nothing more to do with him. After all if Sam hurt him this much he was better off without him. Just like he had ultimately been better off without Sean.

Blond. Well-built. Charming. Sam and Sean had a lot in common. Except of course that Sam was evil and manipulative...or was that Sean? Yeah, it was Sean...but Sam too of course. Even Sean hadn't hurt him this much.

Sebastian let his head fall back against the cool porcelain of the tub again as more mental images flood over him. Sean bending him over his father's desk. Sam bouncing him across the bed. Sean's hands clawing at his shoulders. Sam's fingers digging into his hips. Harder. Faster. Harder. Faster. Begging. Sebastian was begging. Begging Sean to slow down. Begging Sam not to. It was a blur. Harder and harder.

Sebastian gasped and coughed, forcing the horrible images out of his head. He felt cold and detached now. He still hurt, but he was starting to feel a pleasant numb sensation - inside and out. It shouldn't be so bad now. He was over the worst of the pain; he didn't mind the numb. Numb was something Sebastian knew how to handle. It was familiar, safe.

"I think you're bleeding." Sebastian heard the voice again, but it barely registered. It seemed as cold and detached as Sebastian felt. Only as it finally penetrated his mental fog Sebastian realized that it didn't sound entirely cold after all; it sounded panicked. What did it want? Bleeding. Right Sebastian was bleeding.

He numbly reached a hand between his legs and felt around his throbbing hole. Sticky, wet – yep, the voice was right; he was bleeding. It didn't seem too bad though. He probably just had a few minor tears from over-doing it. It was nothing to panic over, not the way the voice was doing.

"I'm fine!" Sebastian shouted in an icy tone. "Just go away."

-000-

Sam didn't know what to do. He was worried that Sebastian might be seriously hurt, but he had to admit that Sebastian did sound okay. He sounded cold and hostile, but also definitely firm and strong, not at all hurt or scared. Sam felt ashamed of his actions and confused by Sebastian's sudden mood changed and unwillingness to talk about it. However, as much as he wanted to try to work things out he felt like he had no choice but to leave. If he stayed he would be forcing himself on Sebastian, and the last thing Sam wanted to do was force himself on Sebastian again. He already felt like he could never forgive himself for getting so out of control.

Sam's heart was still racing as he looked around for his things. His keys were on the nightstand near Sebastian's bed where he'd set them down when he first walked in; however, his wallet and phone were still in his jeans, which along with the rest of his clothes were in a pile on the floor of Sebastian's bathroom.

"Sebastian," Sam called tentatively through the door. "I'm gonna go ahead and go then, if you're sure you don't want me to stay...but uh, my clothes are in there.

"I don't care. Just get out!" Sebastian growled as he threw something against the door.

Sam's stomach tightened in anguish and he decided to just put back on the pajamas he'd borrowed from Sebastian and leave. He could get his stuff back later...or not at all. He probably didn't deserve to get his things back anyway given the way he had fucked everything up.

Sam quickly redressed, grabbed his keys, and left Sebastian's room as fast as he could. On his way out he closed the door hard enough that he knew Sebastian could hear it. If Sebastian was really too upset to see him he didn't want to effectively be holding him prisoner in the bathroom. At least this way he would know that Sam was gone and that it was safe to go out.

Safe. Sam sighed. He couldn't believe Sebastian didn't feel safe around him. Obviously things had gotten way out of hand, and part of Sam knew that Sebastian had been urging him on, but the rest of Sam was convinced that he should have known better. That he should have been more gentle with Sebastian. He couldn't believe that he had actually done the one thing he had never, ever wanted to do to Sebastian: he had hurt him, just like the bully in the mall, just like the countless others Sam didn't know about, but suspected were a part of Sebastian's past. Sam frowned and tried to keep his emotions under control as he opened the Smythes' front door and quickly exited, pulling it shut behind him.

-000-

Sebastian winced again as he finally leaned forward and started the water, already regretting his decision to throw the body wash at the door. That was Sam's fault too. If he'd just left like he was supposed to Sebastian wouldn't have to drag his aching body out of the tub in a few minutes to retrieve the bottle. It would just have to wait until he'd soaked in the warm water for a little while though.

Just as he felt his muscles starting to relax, he heard his bedroom door slam shut and he knew that Sam was finally gone. He was free of him at last. Sam had been such a ridiculous distraction for the past few weeks. Seducing Sam had probably been more trouble than it was worth, but at least Sebastian had won. It was all over now and he never had to see him again. Sebastian felt a frown forming on his face.

I can't believe he just up and left like that. What an asshole!

-000-

End Note: Sorry for the break in format as far as the parallelism goes. The two sections of the story themselves should obviously correspond in theme, but I couldn't effectively stick with the structure unfortunately. Anyway, the chapter itself is sort of a transition both in Seb's back story and the main narrative, so I guess now is as good a time as any to shift into something a bit different. I didn't like how expositional this chapter ended up, but I wanted to focus primarily on Seb, Sam, and Matt's feelings for this one. On the bright side, the next chapter should have quite a bit more dialogue, and lots more characters involved.

Anyway, please let me know what you thought of this chapter if you get a chance.