Chapter 7-
"Don't worry I'm sure Charlie will be home soon." Evan tells me.
"Yeah you know him, always has to make the dramatic entrance." Bobby slaps Evan on the back as the two laugh it off. Jenny and Em look at me and smile pityingly almost to say 'we're sorry we have our husband's back home safe and yours is still out there'. If only they knew I am sad because I know he will be here soon. Everyday more men in uniforms come home to claim their wives and lock the bedroom door shut for a week. Soon my husband will be home and the freedom I have enjoyed these last few months will only exist inside that little place in my heart that fights against him when he wants more; which just happens to be the same little piece of myself that doesn't listen to my mother's voice inside my head.
"Well we are not here about to talk about Charlie." I smile then raise a glass to the boys "To you two and your safe return home." We drink and I wish that I was rebellious enough to have ordered the brandy. I love the second the liquor is down my throat and I can feel the burn and know that soon enough the lovely fuzziness would take a hold of me. Instead the fizzy pop slides down my throat in all the syrupy sweetness that is familiar rather than refreshing. The toasts begin and the crowd celebrates bravery and sacrifice, honor and virtue. Sarah cuts in with her quick reminder of the need for tolerance among our boys. I survive the rounds, smile and tip my glass back at the end of every speech.
It would be rude not to.
At the end of everyone blowing smoke up everyone else's asses the local boys strike up some music and we all make our way to the dance floor. My feet tap, my body sways, and I close my eyes picturing this same scene in another universe where a man with honey eyes and soft hands looks over at me and says-
"Care to dance?" Only for the first time my head has it all wrong and his voice isn't the right voice. His voice isn't one of sweet memories and daytime fantasies. No the voice inside my head is one of monsters and torture and cruel wicked laughter.
"Esme?" The doctor calls to me again .
"You have the wrong voice." I tell him, but the vision is gone. I squeeze my eyes shut as I hear deep laughter and feel a cold hand on my arm.
"Charlie" a voice calls out and is quickly echoed by so many people that they overshadow the music. Soon people are pressed against me as they wait for him to notice them and it hits me that he is really here. Standing next to me. Charlie is home.
My eyes open without my permission and take in this man who I prayed with all my heart to be shot dead. He looks the same, except he is smiling; the hugging and chatting up everyone completely ignorant of my existence is routine. Only the atmosphere is different, lighter somehow and there is something in his eyes that make me think it will all be okay.
"Esme." He whispers and wraps me up inside of him. He smells like soap and cigars, his heart is racing and his laughter kind of vibrates in his chest tickling my cheek. He pulls back a little and tucks a fly away hair behind my ear. He's still smiling but his eyes are serious as they stare straight into mine. I know he's searching for something, and I wonder if we are searching for the same thing. I want to not see the person I married and pretend that this is my best friend all grown up coming home to me.
I want a happily ever after, even though I know it doesn't exist.
Despite all my looking I don't see anything in those deep dark eyes, I just see color and my own reflection; but then again I really don't know what to look for. They are only eyes after all and not a crystal ball. Maybe seeing my own reflection is telling me that I need to trust myself. Or maybe, I am just seeing him seeing me, and I kind of look pretty in his eyes. Maybe it will stay that way.
His eyes dart to my lips as if to ask for permission but before I get the chance to give my okay his lips are on mine; soft, gentle, teasing. Whoops of delight crowd around us and Charlie pulls away from me and I blush thanking the lord that mama got a head cold tonight and stayed home.
"Sorry men but I think I need to have a few moments with my wife."Charlie announces to the room and makes a dramatic bow as I hide myself against his chest. Before I know it his hands are under my legs and he is carrying me out of the restaurant the same way he carried me into our home after saying I do. A fresh start and a new beginning. I can only hope that history doesn't repeat itself.
