Chapter 7
***I don't own TWD or its associated thangs. I don't profit from it in any way. All the disclaimer stuff.***
Me: Dun-dun-duuuuuuuun. It's time to find out where Rick's coming from. Love it or hate it, (and I'm guessing there will be both) here it is.
They sat across the table from each other. Rick's face kept shifting between fear and sorrow and something else that it was difficult to read. Michonne knew her own face to be calm. Maggie had been right. Better to have it out in the open and deal with whatever it was going to be. Living with the fear, with not knowing...that was the worst thing.
Maggie had departed with Judith in tow and arrangements to pick up Carl from Patrick's so that they could have the time and space to talk, but not before delivering a hard smack upside Rick's head (out of eyeshot and earshot of Judith, of course) and the accurate (if somewhat mean) pronouncement of, "Dumbass."
Rick bore it without complaint, as if it was his due. Now, his face was downcast. He reached into his pocket slowly and produced two crumpled pieces of lined paper, covered in blue ink. There was a tear at the top of the pages, about one inch long. He placed them on the table before Michonne.
"It's her letter," he said, somewhat unnecessarily. "This is what I should have done in the first place. Please...please read it and then I'll tell you what I should've, to begin with."
"Don't know that you're in any position to be asking anything of me." Michonne's glare would've eviscerated him, if looks could kill.
"I'm not," he shook his head. "But please, 'Chonne, I'm asking because I need you to know why it happened. I-I need you to understand."
She studied him for a few moments, softening a little at how contrite he looked. She picked up the letter. It was certainly the worse for wear. "Did it show up looking like this?" she raised an eyebrow at Rick.
"No," he muttered. "I'll tell you...after."
She began to read.
Dear Rick
I know that this letter is long overdue, painfully overdue. I know that I have not been a mother to our children, and seven years ago I left you and them with the words that I needed to find myself. I know that I ran straight to another man, and I know that after I left, you heard about that, as well as hearing that I had been unfaithful to you while we were still married.
I didn't want to be married to you anymore. I didn't want to be a mother. I felt trapped in every way possible. I cared about you...but had not been in love with you for some time. I loved the kids...but felt tied down with having to care for them. Judith wasn't planned, and I knew how badly you wanted her...and how much I didn't.
I just wanted out.
In some ways...it felt like I hated you for what I was...A wife who didn't want to be a wife. A mother who didn't want to be a mother. You probably thought the worst of me, and you were right to do it. I didn't just take up with men. I drank, I used a little. I went wild, doing all the things I'd never let myself do before.
It got old, faster than I expected it to...but for a while I didn't know how to stop.
I miss Carl. I don't know her very well...but I miss Judith, too.
I know that I don't have a right to ask you for anything. I know that I don't have I right to expect anything. I know that you might tell me no. But I want to see my children. I want to see you. I'd like to come on Thanksgiving, if I can. Shelli will be visiting her family. She's the friend I've been staying with since I split from Axel. She's been letting me sleep on her couch while I look for a new job.
I've started taking a few classes at the city college. I might make something of myself yet.
I heard that you got married to the woman you were seeing last time I took the kids out. I'm happy for you, though you might not believe it. I hear that she's wonderful and that you love her very much. I know that she will need to be okay with me visiting as well.
Please, Rick. Please let me be a part of my children's lives again. I don't have the right to ask it, and I know that you'd have the right to refuse me. You may not believe that I mean it. You may think that I'll be bad for the kids to be around. You may think that I'm saying this because I'm all alone, now.
It's true. I am all alone. Mama and Daddy are gone. So is Aunt Jeannie. Nancy's out on the West Coast in Los Angeles and she's barely making ends meet. The men I've been seeing help things for a little bit...until they don't. And though it's taken me some time to figure it out, I realize that I miss our kids. I have for a long time.
I'd like to see them on Thanksgiving...and I'd like to apologize to you. I said horrible things to you when I left. I said horrible things when I tried to come back to you after the first year and you told me to go-well, you know what you said. And I think that it was deserved, though I didn't see it that way at the time.
I would like to start seeing the kids regularly, if you'd let me. Maybe once every week, to start for a few hours? It's asking a lot, and there's no reason why you should. But I do love them. I know it's hard to believe...and I think there are times where I've almost forgotten...but it's true.
I can be reached at the phone number written below. It's Shelli's home line, and there's a message machine if we don't answer. I don't have a phone right now. The return address on the letter is Shelli's address.
Please call. Please say okay. I don't deserve it...but I'm asking anyway. Please.
Lori
The words on the last sentences of the letter and Lori's signature were blurred, as if liquid had dropped onto the paper while the ink was still drying.
Michonne put the letter down, smoothing it out a bit. "Why didn't you want me to see this?" she asked quietly.
Rick avoided her stare but his words were direct and steady. "Because I was going to tell her no. And I was going to throw the letter away. I wasn't going to tell you, or the kids."
"Why?"
"The first reaction I had when I saw that letter, when I started to read it...what I felt was anger. I was mad. I didn't even finish it. I crumpled up the letter, was going to rip it in half and throw it away, before I came to my senses. We've had this great life, you and I and the kids..it's been so wonderful. More than I had dreamed, more than I thought possible. Now Lori wants to try being a mom again, but it's messy. Even if she means it. It complicates things. And I thought, what right does she have? I don't want it. The risk of her hurting the kids...the risk of it upsetting you. I just don't want it. She left, she's been gone. It's easier...if it stays that way."
Michonne was silent for a moment, considering his words. "Then why go to Carol? And for the record...I'm pretty upset. If I were any more upset you'd be missing some teeth."
"Because...I felt guilty about making that decision, and even though it's what I want to do...I'm not sure it's right. I don't know that I have the right to decide. I don't know that Lori never being a part of the picture again makes much difference to Judith, but what if it does? And Carl. He doesn't say much about Lori anymore, but I'm pretty sure-" He quit speaking abruptly, expression suddenly afraid.
"We've gotten this far. Just say it."
His words now came more reluctantly. "I'm pretty sure he still loves her. Even with everything. He still thinks of her as his mother. She-she wasn't always terrible. She was good to Carl, in the beginning."
Michonne closed her eyes for a moment, fighting the hot surge of jealousy and resentment that she felt at Rick's words. It was difficult...but she pushed it down. Those feelings would be for later. Right now there was still more Rick had to say. Just listen. "Go on."
"Carol went through a lot of shit with Ed. He was pretty abusive. His abuse was different than Lori's, but Carol...she's kind of like I am. She carries scars, but she survived to make a better life. She was finding her strength before Ed got hit by that bus. Even if he'd lived...I think she would've left him anyway. And I figured that she would tell me that telling Lori to forget it would be the best thing."
"Is that what she said?"
"She said to tell her to go to hell, in exactly those words. But she also asked what you thought. She said that telling Lori to go to hell was her opinion...but that her advice was that I needed to tell you. I needed to be honest with you about what I was thinking and why I was thinking it. And after she said that, I knew I'd been fooling myself, thinking I could make the decision all on my own. She didn't end up giving me the advice I wanted or what I was looking for...but she gave me the advice I needed."
"Right when I got home, right when we put Judith to bed...why didn't you say something right then?"
His face was sad, so sad. "Because you were so happy. And I knew as soon as I told you...you wouldn't be."
His words hit her hard. She couldn't hold back anymore. A sob escaped her. He stood up immediately and started to move towards her.
"No!" The word came out strong, even through her tears. "Not right now. No."
He recoiled, visibly hurt. His own eyes shone with tears not yet shed. "Please, 'Chonne. Please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I've put us here. I can't stand seeing you so hurt. Please. Please let me hold you."
She wanted him to, badly. She wanted to be comforted and she wanted to comfort him, but she couldn't let herself. Not yet. Because he was right. He had put them there. If he'd been honest from the start, it would've still been bad...but not this bad.
He should've thrown the fucking letter away, she thought furiously. Then- But she pushed that thought away, with concentrated force. It would've been another lie. A kinder one, perhaps, but a lie just the same. And sins of omission were what had brought them here.
How would the kids feel if they were to discover down the line that their mother had tried to reach out to them and that they'd tried to hide it? Probably the same way she felt.
"We need to figure this out," she whispered. "What do you want to do, Rick?"
A tear slipped down his cheek. "I want to tell her no. But...I think we need to let the kids decide. If it's up to me, it's no. But it can't be just up to me. What do you think?"
She searched her feelings and was relieved to realize they were in fact the same. She wanted to say no, wanted it powerfully. But it wasn't his decision or her decision. Lori wasn't Rick's wife anymore, and maybe she wasn't the kids' mother either...but that was something they would need to decide. Neither she nor Rick had that right.
"We need to tell them. Let's call Maggie, pick them up," Michonne finally replied.
Rick nodded. He began to move towards the kitchen to use the phone there, but her next words halted him in his tracks.
"In the letter, when Lori said she tried to come back and you told her no...what exactly did you say?"
He was caught off-guard, and she was surprised to see that he looked faintly embarrassed. "I, uh, may have said…" He trailed off, a bit red-faced.
"Yes?"
"Um, that I wouldn't touch her with someone else's dick. And, ah...that she should go...that she should go fuck herself."
A smile spread across her face before she could stop it. It was petty as all hell...but it somehow made her feel just a little bit better.
To Be Continued
