Chapter 7:
I'm woken the next morning by the sound of forceful knocking. I take a moment to wipe the tears I'd shed in my sleep before rolling out of bed. On my way to the front door I run my fingers through my hair hoping to calm it.
Before I can fully open the door, Ezra has already found his way inside to my couch. I check the hallway to make sure nobody else was waiting to come in as well and shut the door.
"Dad says you have the day off today," he says enthusiastically," so you have plenty of time to keep that promise you forgot yesterday." He was right. I'd completely forgotten. In my rage and longing and self pity last night it'd slipped my mind completely. As much as I wanted to be alone, I wanted to keep my promise more. I love Ezra. He's the son I never got the chance to have.
"What story do you want to hear this time?"I asked. Maybe it won't be about tris. Maybe it won't hurt to tell it.
"I wanna hear about the rebel!"
The Rebel. It repeats in my head until I finally register it.
"Ah. Your favorite one. Don't you learn about this in school?" I ask hoping he would change his mind.
"Yes, but nobody tells it like you do," he says. He's right too. Nobody knew this all to famous rebel like I did.
"Well many years ago, when I was much younger I trained the new dauntless initiates," I started the story the same way I had many times before. "When I was about 18 a new batch of initiates was coming in. A very special batch because in it there was one abnegation transfer, a rarity.
"She was a small and scrawny girl. Not very intimidating at first, but as time passed I don't think there was anyone left who she hadn't impressed someway. She turned out to be the bravest woman I'd ever met." I continue telling him how she almost single handedly defeated Janine Matthews, survived her own execution, and erased the memories of the beareu.
Although I know I've told this story thousands of times before, right now felt like the most important time I'd ever shared it.
"I know you know her name. When will I be old enough to know?" Ezra asked timidly. If wanted to share it but could never bring myself to do so. The rest of the world knew her as the rebel and her name has somehow become the last thing connecting me to her and those who knew her.
"Hold on. I'm not done," I said giving myself no time to change my mind before continuing. Ezra's mouth gapes open.
"I never got to see her body, I don't think any of us did, do I don't know why I believed it. Her death hit me harder than anyone. I'd regretted every lost chance if had to be with her."
"You loved her," he states plainly but his face shows all the shock in the world.
I don't ever reply just continue, "then one day I woke to find a note telling me I was needed in the infirmary. I'd taken my time getting there but when I did her best friend sat in the lobby crying. The last thing I remember before I collapsed was the words 'she's alive'."
"That's all you're going to tell me isn't it?" Ezra lets out with a sigh.
I nod. "For now," I let out slowly. Someday I will tell him everything but for now that will have to do.
"I better go or I'll be late for school. Thanks four," Ezra said before he left. I didn't move for a few minutes, drowning in the silence of my now empty apartment.
I make my way to the bathroom and immediately regret it when I see the mirror broken and cracked. I'd done it last night after waking up from a nightmare of her.
I seem to become more of a coward. More broken. Lonelier. Weaker. Every day she's gone. It's been 16 years and I still can't find the man she'd once made me.
I can't be broken anymore. I can't let some little girl tear me apart. I should let her remind me of all the good things about tris. Also, if I'm ever going to find my tris, she may be the only way.
