Hi everyone. As always, thank you so much for the love and support. The story has over 100 reviews already and I am beyond grateful for every single one.

So, I'm going to get right to it. This chapter took forever, is WAY too long, has more angst than I thought was possible, and was absolutely no fun to write at all. In fact, it straight up broke my heart. I was dreading it since I created this story, and it was just as miserable as I thought it would be. Ugh.

Just FYI, this one starts like the early chapters, with a glimpse into the present day (Season 1). Then it will get to the flashbacks. That being said, I hope you enjoy reading it and please review so that we can all be sad together…

Chapter 7

It was close to one in the morning on a Friday night, or early on Saturday morning, depending on how you thought about it. Jax was at the clubhouse drinking a beer when his phone began to ring. Glancing down and not recognizing the number, he walked outside to where it was a little quieter and answered. "Yeah?"

"Uh, hey. Is this Jax?"

He could hear people talking and loud music in the background. "Who's asking?"

"My name's Jason. I'm a bartender at Chrome in Stockton."

Jax felt his whole body instantly tense. Chrome was a biker bar, but it wasn't outlaw. More like a place for weekend warriors to hang out on Friday and Saturday nights. And the only reason he knew it existed was because his mom had told him that Missy was working there a few nights a week. "What is it?"

"Listen, she'd kill me for doing this, but I work with a girl named Missy. I think she's a friend of yours."

Jax couldn't stop the muscles in his jaw from clenching. "She's family. What's going on?"

"Tonight's her night off, but she came in for a drink. That was a few hours ago, and she's…well, she's fucking plastered, man. I've never seen her like this. I'd take her home, but there's no one else here to work the bar. I'm trying to watch her as much as I can, but there are a bunch of guys here that won't leave her alone. And I mean, she's dancing with them and shit, but she barely even knows where she is right now. I've heard her talk about you, the friend in Charming whose family took her in when she was a kid. So I stole her phone out of her purse when she wasn't looking and called. Is that ok? I mean, I didn't know who else to…"

Jax was already climbing onto his bike. "Just keep an eye on her. I'll be there soon."


He broke every speed limit on his way to Stockton, making it to the bar in record time, and his Harley was barely stopped before he was jumping from his seat and walking quickly through the door. He went up to the bartender and introduced himself. The guy who'd called him, Jason, thanked him for coming and motioned his hand to the middle of the dance floor.

Jax turned his head, and the moment he saw her, he stopped breathing. Sure, he got the random drunken phone call from her every once in a while, but this was the first time he'd actually laid eyes on her in over a year, since she first moved back to California. Unable to move, he just stood there frozen and watched her for a while as she danced, swaying her hips and moving to the music like she didn't have a care in the world; just like the girl he had known in the days before he made the biggest mistake of his life and tore both of their worlds apart.

He stayed there for a few more seconds, dazed and reeling, but his feet started to move when he saw some asshole come up behind her and wrap an arm around her waist, his hands traveling down way too far south. Anger swelled with each step he took forward, so by the time Jax crossed the short distance between them, he had lost all control of himself and used every ounce of his strength to shove the guy to the floor.

When the man behind her went backwards, Missy started to stumble, but she was quickly steadied when two familiar arms curled around her tiny waist and held her close. Then she looked up with bleary, wasted eyes at Jax's face…and started laughing hysterically.

She was practically dead weight in his arms, which didn't mean too much since she weighed about 105 lbs. So he held her tightly against him with one arm, using the other to guide her gaze up to his with his hand. And as hard as he tried to fight it, he found himself smiling. "What's so funny, Miss?"

She snorted at the sound of his voice and laughed harder. "I must be more trashed than I thought. I don't even remember going to bed."

Jax just shook his head. "Baby, you're not at home. You're still at the bar."

She tried her damndest to focus on his face, but the room just wouldn't stop spinning. "You mean I'm not dreaming?"

His eyes softened, just the slightest hint of amusement in his voice. "It's not a dream, Miss. I'm really here."

He tucked her into his side, holding her close, and started walking towards the door, waving a thank you to the bartender on his way out. When they got to his bike, he strapped his helmet on to her head and then placed his hands on her cheeks. "Missy?"

"Yes, Jax?"

"Are you going to be able to hold on to me?"

"Is that a trick question?"

Jax rolled his eyes and sighed. "Miss, I don't want you to fall off and kill yourself. Are you gonna be able to hold on or do I need to call a cab?"

She shook her head from side to side. "I can hold on."

"Are you sure?"

Her head bobbed up and down like a bobble-head doll. "Sure."

Jax climbed onto his Dyna and held Missy's hand while she got on behind him, frowning when he felt the distance between them. "Baby, come on. You need to hold on tight."

When he said the words, all Jax was thinking about was keeping her safe. So he was unprepared for the rush of feelings he experienced when she suddenly closed the gap between them. Her arms snaked around his waist and under his kutte, so that her hands were splayed flat against his t-shirt, and her small, firm breasts were pressed hard against his back. Her thighs were cradling his hips, reminding him of all the other ways he'd felt her like that, none of them on his Harley. And her warm, rum scented breath against his neck made him tremble, overcome by how close her lips were to touching his skin.

Just then, as though she could read his mind, Missy leaned forward and planted a simple, sweet kiss on the spot just below his ear, just like she always used to do when they were together, and that brief, innocent contact almost made him weak.

He found one of her hands under his kutte and held it for a long moment before revving his engine and riding carefully to her apartment.


When they got to her building, Missy was too drunk and too tired to even think to ask Jax how he knew where she lived. She waited for him to climb off first and offer his hand out before carefully swinging her leg off the bike. But as soon as her feet hit the ground, she buckled.

"Whoa there, lightweight." Jax was grinning as he lifted her up like it was nothing and threw her over her shoulder, carrying her like a sack of potatoes all the way up the stairs to her second floor apartment.

"Hey, I'll have you know I'm no lightweight anymore, Jackson Teller. It took a lot of work to get this drunk. I had to drink gallons."

Jax smiled and shook his head as he opened the door with the key he found in her purse, and then sat her gently down on the couch. "Good to know you're achieving your goals."

He just grinned when she rolled her eyes and laid down across the sofa. He went to the tiny kitchen and opened some cupboards before he found the aspirin, taking two pills out and grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Then we went back to the couch and knelt down beside her, but by the time he got there she was already almost asleep. "Hey, Miss. Missy, baby…wake up."

He rubbed his thumb against her cheek until her heavy eyes barely opened and she smiled. "Hi, Jax."

He smiled back as he moved his hand away from her cheek and placed it against her hair, running his fingers through the soft, honey-brown locks. "Take these pills and drink some water, ok? You're going to hate yourself in the morning."

"Yeah, probably."

She started to drift off again so he gently squeezed her shoulder. "Missy, drink the…"

But she just shook her head and cut him off with a yawn. "Later. Too tired."

Jax sighed and began to stand, but she suddenly placed a hand on his arm, stilling him. "Jax, do you remember what today is?"

He took her hand in his and nodded. "Of course I do."

Tears welled up in her eyes as a small, sad smile formed on her lips. "I wish things were different."

His heart breaking all over again, Jax could only stare at her for a few moments. Then he swallowed the lump in his throat and then slowly leaned forward, kissing her forehead. "Me too, Miss."

Within seconds, she was sound asleep. Jax turned her so that she was lying on her side, moved the small bathroom trashcan next to the couch in case she got sick, and then covered her up with the little throw blanket that was resting on the back of the sofa. He wanted to stay with her through the night and make sure she was alright, but he knew Missy like the back of his hand. The only thing that would make her hate herself more than the hangover would be seeing his face in the morning and knowing that she had let him see her so vulnerable.

So he just walked outside, locked the door behind him, and made his way back to the parking lot. Then he climbed onto his bike and looked back at the apartment, haunted by her voice and the words she had spoken. Of course he knew what today was. He'd thought about it since the moment he rolled out of bed.

Today was the seventh anniversary of the day they'd lost their baby.


Part V- When It All Falls Apart…

Jax couldn't count the times he'd replayed every detail in his head; every influence, every variable, every horrible choice that led him to fuck everything up. What if just one thing had been different? What if he would have known the pain he would cause? What if he could go back to the moment where things began to change and fix it? Those questions would plague him forever.

But the answers didn't matter, because nothing could take back the hurt and nothing could undo the damage. His life was shattered beyond repair, and he knew with absolute certainty, that he had no one to blame but himself.


The Clubhouse, 2000

The club was on lockdown, hopefully just for one night but you could never really be sure. Missy had helped Gemma find beds for everyone and was just settling down on a bar stool, when she took a deep breath and tried to wrap her head around how much life had changed over the last six months.

Everyone had been thrilled about the engagement, no one more than Gemma, who insisted that Miss and Jax give her at least a year to plan the biggest wedding the MC had ever seen. But only a month after his proposal, Gemma's plans got derailed when the club was forced to make some drastic changes.

Otto got arrested for assault and because of all of his priors, he was looking at a minimum of three years in Stockton. That was bad enough, but then Piney's health took a bad turn when all the tequila and cigarettes suddenly caught up with him and he was diagnosed with COPD. He could still ride and remained an active member of the club, but he just didn't have the energy to cope with the stress that came with the position of Vice President.

Everyone had always assumed that when Piney stepped down, Otto would fill the VP slot. But because he was locked up, no one was quite sure who Clay would ask to sit beside him at the table. Hardly anyone expected it to be Jax.

Sure, everyone knew that someday Jax would hold the gavel; that it was his destiny to follow in J.T.'s footsteps. But since he'd only been patched for a few years and there were so many other guys with more experience, he just assumed that his time would come later. Apparently Clay had other ideas.

Missy couldn't deny how proud she felt when she sewed the VP patch onto his kutte. Jax was the youngest vice president in the history of the entire MC, and she knew that he would be an amazing leader, despite his age. And now, almost five months later, she was still just as proud…just a little less happy.

Jax was just always so busy now. Between the ever increasing demands of the club, the time he still put in at the garage, and the shifts that Missy still worked at the diner, it felt like they never spent any real time together. And even when they did find a few moments alone or tried to have a quiet night at their house, Missy could see the constant distraction in Jax's eyes. She knew he was trying his best to shut out the world and focus only on her, but unless they were in bed together, his mind always drifted away to the problems facing the club and the new responsibility he felt to fix them.

She understood the pressure he was under, even if he didn't talk about it as much as she wanted him to. Missy knew him too well to not know how he was feeling, even when he was trying to shut her out. Being John Teller's son was an honor, but it was also a burden. Jax had always carried the weight of his father's legacy on his shoulders, all too aware of the shoes he had to fill. And she knew that everyone in the MC was watching him, wondering if the famous Prince would live up to expectations.

So knowing all that, Missy refused to add to his stress. She never complained; never told him about her growing loneliness, never demanded he make more time for her, and never asked him to put their relationship above the needs of the club. Instead she bottled most of it up, and when her frustration occasionally became too much for her to handle, she went to Gemma.

Gem understood more than anyone, having been married to two different Presidents of Samcro, what it took to be a good old lady. She reminded Missy that it was her responsibility to see Jax through these times; to be his strength and his solace when the rest of his world is out of control. And with that in mind, Missy asked Gemma to abandon the big, fancy wedding plans. Whenever things calmed down again, they could set a new date. Missy wanted to be Jax's wife with everything she had, but she wanted Jax to be happy more than anything.

So as she looked across the room to the chapel, staring at the closed double doors and aching for the man on the other side, she swallowed down her sadness. I'm still Jax's old lady. We're still engaged. And as long as I support him like I need to, everything will be alright. I just need to be patient.

I can be strong. I can be what he needs. And when things calm down and get back to how they used to be, I'm going to be his wife and spend every day of the rest of my life making him happy.


Gemma's House, 2000

Gemma kissed Missy on the forehead and closed the kitchen door, watching out the small window until the girl was safely buckled into her Wranger and pulling out of the driveway. Then she poured herself a fresh cup of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table, and sighed.

Oh, sweetheart. I've been there. Gemma replayed the conversation she'd just had with Miss over again in her head and tried her best to stay calm, somehow ignoring the urge to find her son and wring his selfish little neck. She thought she'd done a better job of raising him, but despite her best efforts, it seemed that Jax was bound and determined to make the same mistakes his father did.

Just like John, Jax was letting the power of the club slowly change him. Gem was thrilled when Clay named her son Vice President. She'd known since he was a baby that one day he would sit at the head of the redwood table, and she wouldn't have it any other way. But she couldn't deny that Jax was becoming someone she barely recognized.

His playfulness had been the first thing to go; that boyish spark in his eye that she'd always loved disappeared, replaced by a seriousness that came with his new burdens. Then as the first few months passed and he not only got used to his new role but excelled in it, the natural confidence and cockiness that he'd had since he was born morphed into something closer to arrogance; like for the first time in his life he was buying into the idea that he really was the Prince inheriting his kingdom.

But the biggest change was how he treated Missy. He wasn't mean to her. He didn't fight with her. And, as far as Gemma knew, he wasn't cheating on her. But he sure as hell was taking her for granted. Ever since he was a little boy, Jax had made Missy a priority in his life. All through school, even when he was with Tara, Missy's happiness and wellbeing mattered to him more than his own. He had always made time for her, always looked out for her, and most importantly, always made her feel like she mattered…because Jax knew more than anyone that Missy didn't think she mattered at all.

But now all Jax thought about was the club. It wasn't just his biggest priority. It was his only priority. He acted like he didn't have time for anything else; not his mother, or his friends outside the club, not even his fiancée.

Gem had tried to talk to him about it, tried to get through to him that he was starting down a dangerous path; but every time she brought it up, Jax just brushed her off. He would tell her that nothing had changed, that Missy understood the life, and that she knew he loved her as much as he always did. And then he would tell Gemma that it was none of her business anyway.

But it is my business. Jax and Missy were the two people that Gemma loved most in the world, so if Jax was going to act like an ass and fuck up his relationship with Miss, it was absolutely her business.

Gem thought about the way Missy had looked when she'd left the house that night, a frown marring her pretty face and unshed tears welling up in her eyes. Everyone thought that Missy was so much like Gemma, and in some ways she was. She loved fiercely, was incredibly loyal, and she understood what the club meant to all their lives. Just like Gemma, she was the perfect old lady.

But unlike Gemma, Missy didn't believe in herself. No matter how many people told her otherwise and no matter how much she denied it, Gemma knew that, somewhere in the strong, beautiful, 22 year old woman she was today, there remained a shy, lonely, awkward little girl who still thought of herself as worthless. Missy didn't fight with Jax the way that Gemma had fought with John. She didn't remind him that she was the best thing that ever happened to him. She didn't tell him that he was only as strong as their love for each other. She didn't tell him that he would be lost without her….because she simply didn't believe it.

Nothing would ever make Missy stop loving Jax. Gemma knew that. What scared her was that Jax knew it too. His absence and his disregard were hurting the woman he loved every day, but he didn't stop because a part of him knew he didn't have to.

She just prayed that he would realize how close Missy was to breaking before he did something that could never be undone.


Samtaz Clubhouse, 2000

Jax walked outside in the warm Arizona darkness and looked around for something, anything, he could punch. But when nothing appeared, he just settled for another gulp from his almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

He sat down on the clubhouse steps and was happy, if for just a few minutes, to get away from the craziness of the party. It felt like he hadn't had a moment's peace since the night Clay anointed him VP.

He had worked so hard for the last few months, trying like hell to solve the never-ending list of Samcro's problems, while at the same time fighting even harder to earn the respect of the rest of the table.

Yeah, his brothers loved him and had his back, same as they always did, but something had changed since he took office. He could see it in their eyes; that lingering doubt in him, the way they still looked at him like he was a kid. He was their leader, Samcro's second in command, but it didn't matter. All they did, 24 fucking hours a day, was give him shit.

Sometimes it was that he was a shitty mechanic. Sometimes it was that he was too pretty. And sometimes it was just little Prince this, and little Prince that; taunts that subtly reminded him that he wouldn't be where he was today without his father's last name. To anyone else, it would sound no different than the way they'd always busted his balls. They all did it to each other. But Jax knew there was more to it; that it was their way of humbling him, reminding him that he had to work extra hard to assert himself and earn the respect of the men that had a lifetime's more experience than he did.

And for the most part, he could handle it. He knew he was doing a good job so far, so he tried to keep his frustrations in line. But sometimes it was just too much.

Like tonight. From the minute the party started to the minute he walked outside, all he had heard for hours was that he was pussy whipped. Jax is too much of a pussy to get his dick wet. Missy must keep him on a short little leash. Did he need to call home and ask to have his balls back for the night? Jax had never fucked around on the road, simply because he'd never wanted to. He knew that, according to almost every other couple in the MC, screwing someone on a run wasn't considered cheating. Hell, even Gemma was ok with it. But in the three years since he'd been with Missy, he'd never been with anyone else, because he just never wanted to. He loved Missy. She kept him satisfied. The pussy he encountered on the road didn't tempt him at all. It usually just made him miss her.

But of course the guys would never believe that. They thought the reason Jax didn't hook up with girls on the road, was because Missy told him he wasn't allowed, and like the good little boy he was, he obeyed. They never came right out and said it, but he knew what they were thinking. If he isn't even the head of his own household, how the hell is he going to be the head of the table?

Jax drained the last of the whiskey, and then stood up on wobbly legs, stumbling back into the clubhouse. Fuck it. I just need them to shut up. Just for one fucking night, I need to shut them up. So his drunken brain did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed the first girl he saw, and in front of all his brothers, dragged her back to the nearest empty room.


Jax woke up with a pounding headache, a dry mouth, and the heat of someone's body warming his skin. But when he looked over at the naked girl beside him he was confused when, instead of the honey brown locks he was used to, he saw nearly black strands covering his arm. Then as the night before flooded back into his consciousness, his heart stopped beating, crushed by the weight of his regret.

Oh god, what the fuck did I do? He sat up and looked at the woman he barely remembered, still passed out on the other side of the pillow. He didn't know her name because he was pretty sure he never asked what it was. He just remembered being stressed out, and angry, and drunk off his ass before deciding he needed to get laid.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Fragments of the night were starting to come back to him. When he took her into the bedroom, she'd tried to kiss him, but he remembered thinking that her lips just didn't feel right. He didn't want to kiss her again. So he let her suck his cock for a while, but she just wasn't doing it the way he liked it. So finally, he just slid on the condom she gave him, bent her over the bed, and fucked her, thinking the whole time Miss will understand. What happens on a run stays on a run. It was hard and fast, and if he recalled, didn't last very long. And then when he was finished, he threw away the rubber, lied down on the bed, and collapsed. Everything else was a blur.

Jax quickly reached over for the trash can and wretched violently, unsure if the vomit was caused by the massive amount of alcohol or the awful, crippling guilt. Jesus, Missy…He didn't care what the rulebook said. What he did was wrong. The ache in the pit of his stomach told him that, as well as the fact that he suddenly felt like crying. He didn't care if it made him a pussy, and he didn't care what the rulebook said. On a run or not, what he did last night sure as fuck felt like cheating, and he knew he would never do it again.

He went to the bathroom and took a two minute shower, washing away the stench of booze and sex. Then he got dressed as quietly and as quickly as possible, disappearing before he had to face the mistake still sleeping in the bed.

Then he went to his bike, revved his engine, and along with the rest of the club, headed north back to Charming.

Back to the girl he loved.

Back to the girl he wanted to marry.

Back to the girl he knew he didn't deserve.


Teller- Morrow, 2000

Missy was leaning on the arm of the sofa in the office, talking to Gemma, who was sitting behind the desk. But they both looked up when they saw a tall, pretty, dark haired girl making her way across the lot towards the office. When she walked up to the open doorway and knocked, Missy smiled. "Can I help you?"

The girl smiled back. "Hi. Yeah. Um, I'm looking for Jax."

Before Missy could open her mouth, Gemma stood from the chair and walked around to lean on the front of the desk. "And who should I say is asking for him?"

The girl tossed her hair to the side and grinned. "I'm Callie. We met last month in Tucson."

Miss looked up at the stranger, frozen. She knew she should say something, but the words caught in her throat as a sense of dread bloomed in her chest.

Gemma glanced down at Missy, a knowing look in her eyes, before she plastered on a fake smile and nodded back at Callie. "Did Jax know you were coming?"

The girl flashed a sexy grin and shook her head. "No, but he'll be happy to see me." A few silent moments past before Callie looked down at a silent Missy and a now furious Gemma. She put her hands on her hips and frowned. "So, are you going to tell me where Jax is or not?"

Gemma stood up and shook her head. "No, we're not. So why don't you go ahead and take your skanky little self back to Arizona?"

A shocked and pissed off Callie then made the mistake of stepping up to Gemma and pointing a finger at her chest. "Whatever, bitch. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but…"

Gemma placed a hand on the girl's chest and shoved her back against the office wall. "Well, I'm Jax's mother and this is his fiancée. Do you need to know anything else before I beat your ass into the ground?"

The color drained from her pretty face as she looked back at Gemma, and then down to Missy, in horror. "Oh, shit…Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't…"

But it was too late. Gemma already had her by the back of her hair, dragging the girl outside and slamming her down onto the concrete. Then once she was down, she kicked her hard in the stomach with her pointy knee high boots, until the girl was screaming at the top of her lungs for help.

Missy stood up as if on autopilot and went to the doorway, strangely numb to what was going on around her. It was like she was watching a car accident from a distance, traumatized by what surrounded her, but separate from it at the same time…like somehow it was someone else's life suddenly broken into pieces and not her own. She calmly watched as Bobby and Tig rushed out of the garage and pulled Gemma away, while some of the croweaters went to the now bleeding girl and helped her to stand, walking her towards the clubhouse.

And the whole time, Missy kept thinking that maybe she should be angry too. Or maybe sobbing or screaming or punching her hand through the window. But she didn't do any of those things, because once she did, she was admitting that it all was real; that the last five minutes really happened and that the beautiful life she thought she lived was a lie…and she just wasn't quite ready for that.

The guys were still holding Gemma back as she yelled across the lot. "Get that gash out of here! Do you hear me? Get her out!"

Miss tried to watch the girl walking away, but her vision was hazy and blurred. She didn't even realize it was because of the tears she was crying.


Jax was in the chapel with Clay, Piney, and Chibs when they heard Gemma screaming outside. "What the hell?"

When they walked out to the lot, the first thing Jax saw was a bruised and bloodied girl sitting between two of the croweaters, crying her eyes out. Then he looked over at his mom and could see, even from a distance, that she was raging.

He looked back at the girl who Gemma had obviously kicked the shit out of and tried like hell to figure out why she looked so familiar. But as drunken, regretted memories slowly invaded his head, he stared at her face with recognition and cursed. Oh, fuck…

Anger and panic coursed through him so strongly, his hands were trembling by the time he approached the table. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Callie looked up at Jax with a mix of fear and relief. "I'm sorry. I didn't…I'm sorry…"

As the girl from Arizona started crying again, one of the croweaters from Charming looked at Jax and just shook her head. "She was new to Samtaz. She didn't know about the rules. She didn't know...about Missy."

Jax choked down the sick feeling he got at the sound of his girl's name and took a step forward, wrapping his hand around the back of Callie's neck and squeezing a little tighter than he meant to. "I don't know why the hell you're here, but you need to get the fuck out of Charming and never come back. Do you understand?"

He didn't wait for her to nod before he turned away and walked quickly across the lot, past his mother and towards the office, unable to look away from the face of the woman he loved, crumbling before his eyes.


It was only when Missy saw Jax almost running across the lot, shame and panic etched across his face, that she once again became aware of her surroundings. Then the full force of the pain finally hit her.

"Oh, god…" She frantically reached for the office door and locked herself in, just moments before Jax could get to her. Then, as her legs gave out, she leaned her back against the door, sank to the floor, and lost it.

"Missy! Miss, please! Let me in! Let me talk to you!" Jax was pounding on the door so hard she thought it might break, but she just sat there, in a heap on the floor, unable to move even if she wanted to. Thoughts were racing into her head a mile a minute, and each and every one was paralyzing.

I thought we were happy. I thought he wanted me. I thought he wanted to marry me. I thought he loved me. I thought he loved me. I thought he loved me…

The pain in her chest was unlike anything she'd ever experienced. Sure, she'd been hurt before. Her real dad had abandoned her, her mom neglected her, her stepdad hit her; and there were a thousand other wounds in between. But the difference was, she expected it from them. The damage they did never surprised her, because they never even pretended that they cared. But Jax was the one person in the world that she never believed was capable of betraying her.

And he just left the biggest scar of all.

At some point the screaming and pounding stopped and she heard the sound of a body sinking down the other side of the door. Then she heard his voice again, this time quiet and pleading. "Jesus, Miss…I'm sorry, baby. Please open the door. Please, I'm sorry…"

She could hear someone else speaking in muffled tones and then what sounded like Jax being helped off the ground and pulled away from the office. Then a few quiet minutes passed before she heard a key being slipped into the door knob and the lock turning.

Miss jumped off the floor like lightning and ran to the couch, curling up in a ball and praying that it would be anyone but Jax. She held her breath until the door opened, but when she saw that it was just Gemma, she broke down in relief and cried.

Gemma was beside her in an instant, holding her close and gently rocking her back and forth. "Let it out, sweetheart. It's ok. I'm here."

She didn't know how much time had gone by, but at some point, her tears started to slow. She took the tissues that Gemma offered and dried her eyes and then looked up at her heartbroken face.

Gem brushed the wet, matted strands of hair from Missy's face before sighing. "Listen to me, Miss. I know you're hurting like hell right now. I know because I've been exactly where you are…but you know the rules. What happens on a run stays on a run."

The numbness that she'd first experienced started to creep back in as Gemma's words sunk in. Of course she knew the rules. She'd grown up around the club. But she and Jax had never had that talk before, never agreed to that specific rule. And I was actually dumb enough to believe that he never brought it up because he didn't want anyone else…

She refocused her glazed over eyes to Gemma when she realized she was speaking again. "That gash showing up here? That should never have happened. And I'm sure it will never happen again. You know Jax didn't want her here, not that that makes him any less of an asshole right now."

Gemma paused for a moment and shook her head before leaning down and kissing Miss on the forehead. "Do you think that Clay doesn't love me? Or that Otto doesn't love Luann?"

Missy shook her head, speaking for the first time since the whole nightmare started. "Of course Clay loves you. And Luann is everything to Otto."

Gemma took her hands, holding them tightly. "I know you think that this means Jax doesn't love you, because that's how I felt the first time that it happened with John. But I was wrong, and so are you. You can't think of it as cheating, Miss. Those women mean nothing to them, sweetheart. Absolutely nothing. They're just a distraction from the stress of the road. But we're the ones they love, we're the ones they need, we're the ones they will always come back to."

Missy tried to process everything Gemma was saying, and as her words sunk in, the ache in her heart just grew deeper. Of course he would want someone else. If women like Gemma and Luann aren't enough for their husbands, why the hell would I ever think that I would be enough for Jax? I just thought we were…more than that. That what we had was different. But what the fuck made me think that I was so special?

A few moments later, Missy was only vaguely aware of Gemma pulling her off the couch and over towards the door. "Come on, baby. You need to talk to your old man. Fight and scream and make him pay for letting you see all that this morning. But you have to find a way to get right with it. You love him and he loves you. Just focus on that. Nothing else matters."


Shaking and unsteady, Missy took a deep breath before opening the door to Jax's dorm and walking inside. As soon as he saw her, he jumped from the bed and went towards her, taking a couple long strides in her direction but stopping just a few inches before he touched her. His face was reddened and swollen, contorted with pain, and she had to suppress the urge to reach out her fingers and comfort him.

She made eye contact for just a moment, but quickly looked down to the floor in anguish. It was suddenly like looking at a stranger.

After a few seconds, he reached for her hand and she forced herself not to pull it away, even though his touch felt like shards of glass. She let him walk her to the edge of the bed where they both sat down.

He took both of her hands in his lap and squeezed, his voice raw and broken. "Miss, look at me. Please."

She swallowed the bile in her throat and looked up, using all of her strength to meet his gaze.

His face went from red to pale white as he took a deep breath and shuddered. "Baby, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I barely even remember it. I was so drunk, and so fucked up, and…"

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registered his words; he was sorry, he regretted it, he loved her, he needed her, it was a mistake. But as he spoke, visions of the other girl kept creeping into her head. Her dark hair falling just past her shoulders, thick and shiny. Her eyes, big and round, and her smile, bright and pretty. And her body…all perfect curves and soft edges, with huge breasts and full, womanly hips. She's so beautiful. Then Missy subconsciously wrapped her skinny arms around her tiny waist, somehow trying to shield herself from view. I'm so stupid. Why did I ever think I would be enough for him? I'm…god, I'm nothing, and he's perfect…completely perfect. Then she thought about the way the girl had sauntered into the office, confident and sexy and totally sure of herself. Fuck, he must have been so bored with me the last few years. He has had so much more experience than me, and I was just this shy little virgin that probably can't give him even close to all he needs. How can I blame him? How can I possibly blame him?

"Missy…baby, I'm feel like I'm dying here. Please say something." She finally looked up and realized that at some point Jax had sunk to the floor, kneeling in front of her between her legs, with his arms wrapped around her waist.

She suddenly remembered Gemma's words and spoke, although she barely recognized the voice as her own. "I knew the rules. What happens on a run…"

But Jax cut her off, shaking his head. "No! Miss, that's not, that's not what I want. Those rules don't apply to us. I don't want anyone else!"

Her heart broke even more as he said those words. I think that's the first time Jax has ever lied to me…and somehow that hurts worse than knowing he fucks other women. Miss closed her eyes as a few tears escaped down her cheeks. "Please don't say that. I'm telling you I understand. I get it. But please…please don't lie to me."

Jax wiped away his own tears and shook his head again. "I'm not lying, Miss. I swear, it was the biggest mistake of my life. It was a one-time thing, and it will never happen again. Please, baby. You have to forgive me. I can't lose you over this."

The thought was so ridiculous she actually almost laughed. Lose me? How could he ever lose me? He fucking owns me. All the moments of their life together flashed through her mind in an instant. Everything I have that's good is because of him. Everything. He rescued me from hell and gave me a life. My job, my house, my family, my friends…it's all because of Jax. And above all that, above everything else, I love him. I'll always love him. He's the fucking air that I breathe.

"Please forgive me, Miss. Please, baby…please…"

"I forgive you."

Jax's eyes snapped up to hers in disbelief, tears staining his face. "Oh, fuck, Miss. I love you. I love you…"

He buried his face into her lap and cried as Missy started running her fingers though his hair over and over again, soothing him even as the emptiness she was feeling engulfed her until she felt absolutely nothing.

Staying and knowing that we're less than what I thought we were? It makes me feel dead inside. But leaving and living my life without him? That would actually kill me.


The Clubhouse, 2000

Jax sat at the bar and poured a little more whiskey into the coffee he'd been drinking. It was only nine in the morning, but he needed something to take the edge off…to get through the day without his self-loathing consuming him.

It had been two weeks since the girl he'd fucked in Tucson showed up in Charming and blew his life apart. He couldn't shake the guilt he felt, no matter how hard he tried to move on, constantly haunted by the pain he'd caused and the sinking feeling he had that he would never be able to repair the damage.

He was almost angry at Missy for forgiving him so quickly that day, not because he wasn't desperate for her absolution, but because he needed at least a part of her to hate him as much as he hated himself. He wanted her to fight with him, to hit him and scream in his face, and tell him that he was a worthless piece of shit, because that's exactly what he felt like.

But she didn't. She simply forgave him. She only had two requests; for him to please try to keep the other women out of Charming and for him to stop trying to convince her that there would be no one else in the future. No matter how hard he tried to get her to believe that he would never be unfaithful again, she would just tell him to stop; that she accepted the rules.

But he kept trying; trying to make her feel special again and trying to show her how much he loved her. He came home as soon as he could every night, took her out to dinner, brought her favorite flowers to work, and showered her with affection; just like he used to do in the early days of their relationship and just like he should have been doing the entire time they'd been together.

And for her part, Missy would smile and laugh and kiss him at all the right moments, but…she wasn't really there. It wrecked him every time, but he could see it; the vacant expression when she looked into his eyes, the forced happiness in her smiles, the emptiness in her touch.

And when they made love…that was when it almost became too much to bear. He had waited a week before trying to be with her, feeling dirty and unworthy of the privilege of touching her. But after lying in bed with her night after night, aching for the closeness and intimacy and love that they used to share, he couldn't stand to punish himself any longer.

But it was nothing like it used to be. She never told him no, never once told him to stop, but it was like she wasn't even there. Her body moved with his and her fingers ran all over him, but even as he was buried inside of her, every inch of his skin touching hers, it felt like she was a million miles away.

He tried everything; kissing her until his lips were bruised, licking her until she screamed in pleasure, whispering how much he loved her over and over again until his voice was raw. But nothing worked.

It was similar to their first time in a way; he could see how Miss tried to hide parts of her body from him, like she was suddenly ashamed of it and once again unaware of how fucking gorgeous she was. But unlike their first time, all the trust was gone. He couldn't convince her of her beauty or his love for her, because he'd already proven himself to be a liar. He doubted that she would ever believe anything he said ever again.

His last few thrusts that night had been hard and frenzied, like he thought he could mend what was broken between them through sheer force alone. But as he finished inside of her and groaned out her name, he made the mistake of looking down into those pretty hazel eyes.

They were so bare, so open, and so telling. He could see it all so clearly. Since he was five years old, he'd worked so hard to pull down the walls that Missy had constructed around her heart, desperate to protect herself from any more attacks. And for a few short years, he had done it. He had known what it was like to love her and be loved by her without fear or doubt or insecurity tainting the beautiful thing between them.

But as he lied there in bed that night, cradled between her thighs and looking into her tear-filled eyes, he could see that the walls were not only built back up, they were now a fortress. And for the first time, he let himself face the possibility that what they'd always had between them, that unnamable bond that made them belong to each other…that it may be lost forever.


Missy handed the keys to the last customer and watched the newly repaired Toyota drive off the lot before she flipped the sign on the door to "Closed." It was just after six o'clock and the garage had been swamped all day, which Missy loved, since it temporarily distracted her from her misery.

Most days were ok, but some were worse than others. A thousand times a day, she told herself to just get the fuck over it. Almost every old lady in the history of the club is fine with it, is fine with the other women. They accept that it's not really cheating, and they move the fuck on. What the hell is wrong with you, Missy? You aren't better than them. . . Don't you know how lucky you are that Jax wants to be with you at all? You have to move on. You have to move on…

But she just couldn't. Every time Jax looked at her, she only thought of how wrong she'd been about the type of love she'd thought they shared; and worse, every time he touched her, she still saw Callie's face.

She blinked the tears away from her eyes and shook her head. Jesus Missy, stop torturing yourself. Life is different now. It just is. Grow the fuck up and deal with it. You thought your relationship was a fucking fairy tale, and now you know it wasn't. If you would just stop thinking about what you used to have, it wouldn't hurt you so much that it's gone.

She gathered up her things and threw her purse over her shoulder before locking the door to the office and heading for her Jeep. She was supposed to be at Gemma's by 6:30 for dinner, even though the thought of eating made her sick.

Missy placed a hand on her ever-shrinking stomach as she tried to ignore the constant nausea she'd experienced since that horrible day two weeks ago. She had tried to force herself to eat, but she had absolutely no appetite. And the few times that she had made herself choke down some food, it had instantly come right back up. She wasn't sure, but she'd probably lost more than five pounds already, everyone had said so.

Gemma told her that she looked like hell, and unfortunately, she was right. Between the unwanted weight loss and the blood shot eyes from lack of sleep and hidden bouts of crying, Missy knew she looked horrible. She just didn't know how to fix it.

She was still a few steps from the Wrangler, her mind still a million miles away, when she suddenly stopped and groaned. She clutched her hands against her stomach, doubling over in agony, and screamed as she experienced the worst visceral pain of her life. Within seconds she was aware of people around her, two of whom she knew were Tig and Chibs, asking in panicked voices what was wrong and if she was alright.

But she couldn't speak. She couldn't do anything. Lost in the pain and growing more dizzy by the second, all she was capable of was trying to remember how to breathe and wondering, with a sort of detached curiosity, why there was so much blood running down her legs.


Jax had been pacing the floor of the waiting room for what seemed like hours, with Gemma and Opie anxiously sitting beside him, all of them impatiently waiting for any word on Missy.

As soon as the doctor they had seen earlier came out of the large double doors, all three of them stood up and rushed over to him, stricken with worry.

Jax couldn't keep his voice from trembling. "How is she? How's Missy?"

The doctor politely offered a small smile, even though his voice was tinged with sadness. "Ms. Adams is just fine. She's resting now. We want to keep her for a few more hours, but she should be able to go home with you tonight."

Jax let out an audible sigh as he felt all the muscles in his body start to relax. Ever since the moment that Chibs had called him and said that Missy collapsed at the clubhouse, he had experienced a fear that he never even knew existed.

Gemma breathed the same sigh of relief, but looked up to the doctor and shook her head. "What the hell happened to her?"

The doctor frowned and looked down at the floor. "Ms. Adams gave me permission to speak to the three of you." Then he looked to where Jax was standing, a look of pity on his face. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Teller, but your fiancée was pregnant, and this evening she had a miscarriage."

Jax could swear he felt the moment his world stopped spinning, the sound of his heart breaking so loud it threatened to shatter his ear drums. "What…what did you say?"

The man looked at Opie's pale face and Gemma's tear streaked cheeks before staring back at Jax. "She was only about seven weeks along. Ms. Adams was unaware of the pregnancy, as are most women at that stage. Please keep in mind that although this is tragic, it is by no means abnormal. Your fiancée will be just fine, and there is absolutely no reason to believe that she won't carry healthy children to term in the future. Still, I know how hard this must be for you. I'm so very sorry."

Jax couldn't process his pain, or the doctor's words, or anything in the fucked up world he lived in. He wanted to cry, to kill someone, to yell and scream and die inside. But most of all, he wanted be with Missy.

He started for the doors that led back to the exam rooms, but stopped when the doctor placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Mr. Teller, but Ms. Adams has requested that she have some time to herself."

He glared at the doctor and shook his head. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"She doesn't want any visitors." Gemma took a step forward but stopped mid stride when the physician once again shook his head. "I'm sorry ma'am, but she doesn't want to see anyone. She was very clear about it."

The worry faded from Gemma's voice, replaced by anger. "Listen asshole! I'm her mother! I need to…"

"Mrs. Morrow, please. If you can't keep your voice down, I'll have to call security."

Gemma started for the doctor, but was stopped when Opie wrapped an arm around her waist and held her back, shaking his head. "That won't be necessary. Just let us know when he can see Missy."

The doctor nodded gratefully to Opie and then looked back at Jax. "I'll let you know when she's ready to be discharged. Again, I'm sorry."

Jax watched in silent anguish as the doctor disappeared back behind the double doors, and then he sank back down into one of the small waiting room chairs. He buried his face in his hands, and tried to control his breathing, overcome with grief that threatened to tear him apart; grief that was worse than his brother dying and dad dying put together. Because as he tried to wrap his head around the loss of his child, he also came to terms with why the person he loved most in the world didn't want to see his face.

Why would she ever want to see me again? It's my fault. It's all my fault.


Missy had thought she knew what it was like to hurt, thought she knew what it was like to experience loss. But this was a whole new sort of hell. It felt like one of her limbs had been cut off, and that even though it should have killed her, she remained mysteriously and frustratingly alive.

The only thing stronger than the heartbreak was the guilt. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, little one. She reached down and clutched the stiff material of the hospital gown than covered her flat stomach. I didn't know you were there. I swear, I didn't know….but, I should have. I was just so caught up in my own pain. I wasn't taking care of myself. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I drank and smoked and…oh god, I'm so sorry. She didn't think it was possible to cry anymore tears, but somehow they still kept falling. I guess I was destined to be a bad mother. I thought that the years I spent with Gemma would help me to be better when the time came, but I was wrong. I really am just like my mom; too selfish and wrapped up in a man to see when my child needs me. I should have known. I should have taken better care of myself. Oh god, please forgive me. Please forgive me…

Then as the word "forgiveness" cut through her consciousness like a blade, it hit her that she hadn't just lost her baby…she'd lost Jax's baby. She'd lost Gemma's grandchild. She'd hurt the people she loved most in a way that could never be forgiven. Missy hated herself and she was certain they would hate her now too.

She tried to imagine what life would be like now. Even if Jax somehow wanted to stay with her, either out of pity or obligation, she didn't think she could stand to look at him everyday knowing that she was responsible for the death of their baby. If she lost the Tellers, as she was certain she would, she lost everything. All of her friends, her family, her job; everything was because of her relationship with Jax. The guys, Donna, Opie and Gemma; they all loved her. She knew that. But she also knew that they would all always love Jax more. They were his family first, and only hers by default. When he was done with her, they would have to be done with her too. And that thought made her feel more alone than she ever had in her entire life.

Suddenly sure of what she had to do, she pushed the call light for the nurse. They had given her the option of staying overnight for observation, which she had initially refused. But now she needed the night alone, uninterrupted and safe from Jax, to summon the courage and prepare herself for what she knew was coming.


After a near sleepless night sitting up in the St. Thomas ER waiting room, Jax tried unsuccessfully to stretch out the strain in his neck. When they said that Missy was spending the night, Gemma and Opie went home to get some sleep, but he had refused to leave in case Miss suddenly changed her mind and asked for him. But if the bright morning sunlight shining around him was any indication, nothing had changed. She still didn't want to see him.

He made his way to the registration desk and ran a hand through his messy hair, nodding to the older woman sitting in front of the computer. "I'm here to take Missy Adams home. The doc said she'd be ready to go this morning."

The woman politely nodded and typed Missy's name on the keyboard, but after a moment she looked up to Jax and frowned. "I'm sorry sir, but that patient has already been discharged. It looks like Ms. Adams checked herself out of the hospital a few hours ago."

Thinking it was just a mistake, he asked her to check again. But when the woman verified the records and confirmed again that Missy was no longer a patient, panic started to set it. Without another word, Jax took off into the ER, past the security guards and nurses who tried to stop him as he searched in vain for the room where he knew she must still be waiting. But after he screamed her name with no response and was dragged outside by three guards, he ran to his bike as fast as he could, running every red light in Charming until he got to their house.

Sweat started to bead on his forehead when he pulled into the driveway and saw that her Jeep was gone. He climbed off his bike and threw his helmet to the ground, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest with every step he took towards the door. Maybe she went to see Gemma, or maybe she went to Opie's, or maybe she's at the clubhouse looking for me right now…

But as he walked into the house and went straight to their bedroom, all of his worst fears were realized. The closet door was open, revealing a bunch of empty hangers where her clothes used to be, and there was a note folded on the bed with his name scrawled on the front, resting right next to Missy's engagement ring.

His hands were shaking so badly he could barely read the words on the page.

Jax,

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I can't ask you to forgive me, because I'll never forgive myself. I know it's my fault we lost the baby.

I want to thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You were my friend when no one else would talk to me, my escape out of that fucking trailer, and you were the first person in my entire life who ever made me feel loved.

I'm sorry to leave like this. I know I should be saying all this to your face. But I'm a coward. I just can't stand the thought of looking into your eyes and seeing disappointment staring back.

Please tell Gemma and Ope and everyone else how sorry I am, and that I love them, and that I'll miss them every day.

I love you, Jax. I always will.

I'm sorry,

Missy

He must have read the letter a hundred times, over and over again, unwilling to believe what the words really meant, and unable to accept that the person who mattered most to him in the entire fucking world was just…gone. But when he finally did, and the earth shifted beneath his feet, he fell apart.

First it was their bedroom. He tore the drawers from the dresser and then toppled it to the floor, breaking the mirror picture frames and vase that sat on top. Then he went to the living room and picked up the lamp, hurling it through the sliding glass door before knocking the TV off its stand and watching the screen shatter into pieces. Finally he went to the kitchen and did as much damage as he could, sending plates and glasses to the floor with enough force to cause the shards to scatter all over the house. Then after a few minutes, when there was nothing left of their home to destroy, he just sank to the floor and wept.

He almost had everything he ever wanted, and he lost it all.

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