A/N: Hey guys. Just wanted to let you know that I got myself a beta. Big thanks to Butterflies'n'Pickles for plucking away my mistakes. And if there are still some, they're probably all mine since I made a few changes in the last minute.
Disclaimer: Haven't written one since I started the story, but if anyone forgot, I still don't own them. Only in my dreams...
Warning: This chapter contains "Lady Heathers Box". It was hard to watch at first, but this is how I think he felt about her, and what happened. And it's not so bad...
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Sara didn't realize how hungry she was until she heard a deep growl coming from her stomach. She hadn't even thought about food since she opened his letter, and many hours had passed since then. She smiled when she though about what Gil would think if he knew. He would give her a hard time about not taking care of herself, and then he would probably go into the kitchen and whip something together for her. He was the only man who had ever cooked for her… She loved watching him in the kitchen. Just the though of him walking around in there, barefooted, in his jeans and a t-shirt with the little kitchen towel over his shoulders, making her an omelette… it made her heart ache... God, how much she missed him. It was the everyday things; like snuggling into him on the couch while watching a bad Godzilla-movie, or having breakfast together in silence after a rough shift, or waking up next to his warm body in the afternoon… she missed it all, even the arguments and his annoying habits. She hated being away from him, but there was no other way. And he understood… She decided to go get something to eat soon, just a few more pages… As she started reading she couldn't almost hear his voice inside her head. And she never wanted him to stop talking to her…
Jan. 30th 2003
I guess they all see me that way… Like a robot, incapable of feeling anything. I know this case was hard for Warrick, but he was out of control. He let his emotions get in the way of his work, and he blew it… I should have pulled him off the case earlier. This case hit way too close to home for him. I should have seen it coming. It's my job, I'm his supervisor, so I guess that means I blew it too. And now, a family who has already lost so much, has to pay for our mistakes. I keep seeing that little girl lying in her bed. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping… but she'll never wake up. Aimee Phelps… I want to forget, but I know I won't.
Feb. 6th 2003
We haven't really talked that much lately, me and Sara. But I'm glad she confided in me again. She trusted Melissa, she thought they were friends, she though she knew her… Just like I thought I knew Philip Gerard. When we were in the locker room, she told me about how she confronted Melissa with the evidence in the hospital room. It's ironic… Melissa used Sara, she knew that out of everyone here, she's the one who would find the truth. What she didn't know is that she would live to face the consequences. "You think you know someone…" Sara said, and I've never heard her voice so lifeless and tired… "I never think that" I answered her. I'll never forget her eyes when she looked up at me and asked: "Ever?" I didn't know what to say, and I didn't want her to see the truth in my eyes, so I looked away. I do think I know her, but it scares me to admit it. Because I know I'm setting myself up to be hurt. She's lonely, in many ways she's like me. The only difference between us is that she has the guts to reach out, and I… I'm trapped inside my cocoon. And I don't know if I'm more scared that someone will finally brake it open, or that I'll be stuck in here alone forever…
Sara remembered their conversation in the locker room well. She had been tired, and full of disbelief. Her friend had turned out to be a killer. She had murdered her husband. She said he had abused her, and it was probably true, but that was no excuse. She should have found another way out. In a way what Melissa had done was even worse in Sara's mind than what her mother did all those years ago. She had killed her husband, Sara's father, in a moment of despair and fear for her own and her children's life. Melissa, she had planned it. She had walked up to him and shot him in cold blood when he was sleeping on the couch… Secrets eat people up from the inside. No one knew that better than Sara, and it had made her think about her own past. She had exposed Melissa's secret, and part of her had wanted to expose her own to someone… To him… But at the time she couldn't do it. Even when he was there for her, she had felt this distance between them back then. He always kept her at arms length, careful not to let her too close.
Feb. 13th 2003
I just want so badly to be able to touch someone, to be touched. I'm tired of being lonely. And somehow, I feel like Heather understands me. She knew about my hearing loss, and I didn't have to say a word. She understood. I'm surrounded by investigators, and not one of them has seen it. Sometimes I don't think they really see me at all. They have no idea as to who I am. It's my own fault, I know… I've put up walls… but I'm so tired of being lonely. I used to want it that way, but lately it's been tearing me up inside. I feel empty, like there's a big black hole inside me getting bigger and bigger. Heather, she surrounds herself with people, but I think she's just as lonely as I am. When we were standing there, at her house, so close… I could see it in her eyes.
I'm losing my balance… When I told her she didn't understand what I meant. I know who I am, it has nothing to do with that. And I know Heather knows who she is. The thing is that life has always been easy for me. I've worked hard, I've known what I've wanted and I've gone after it. And it got me where I wanted to be in life. But then Sara came along and threw everything off balance. She's made me question my choices. She's made me realize that what I thought mattered the most, really doesn't matter at all. And so it is, I'm losing my balance... I know what I want, it's her, it's Sara, but I have no idea what to do about it. I feel lost, and I keep looking for comfort in the wrong places. I felt it the moment my hand touched Heathers face, that that was not where I wanted to be. I care about her, I do, I feel like I can share a little piece of myself with her and still be safe. I don't understand how she can live her life like that, do the things that she does, but I don't judge her. And she doesn't judge me… I'm sure she has her reasons, and who am I to question them. But I knew it the moment my fingers touched her skin that I could never go there with her… because I could never love her. As much as I needed to feel something, as much as I wanted to numb the pain, I knew it would only have made things worse. When I held her face in my hands all I could think of was Sara… it's crazy, but it felt like I was betraying her. I must be losing my mind… I've never kissed her, I've never told her I care, I've never promised her anything, and still, I can't bring myself to be with another woman… I feel like I'm going crazy. No one has ever made me feel the way she does. Just being in the same room with her turns me inside out. I never knew what it was like to be in love until I met her. And if this is what she does to me from a distance, what would it do to me if I took that chance, and lost her. I don't think I could do that. But I can't go on like this either. So where does that leave me… Alone, looking for something or someone to ease the pain, failing miserably…Because the only one that can fill the emptiness in my heart… is her.
It was almost morning when I came to Heathers house last night, so when she offered me to stay for breakfast, I accepted. That's when she told me she's a diabetic. The pressure syringe, the mark on our DB's arm…Reality hit. I hated having to call Brass for that warrant, I could see the hurt in her eyes, but I had no choice. I tried to apologize, but she's right, what are words anyway… Nothing, if you can't back them up with evidence… and I couldn't…I'm losing my balance, I never should have let her get that close. I don't do this, I don't let my personal stuff get in the way of work, but lately… I have no idea what I'm doing.
When I drove around tonight I ended up outside Heathers house. I was just sitting there in the car, thinking, trying to figure out what to do about all this. I have no idea. I feel bad about hurting her. I let my emotions cloud my judgement, much like I gave Warrick a hard time about just a few weeks ago. I let Heather pay the price for my inability to admit my feelings for Sara. That wasn't right… But then again, I can't seem to do anything right these days… I keep telling myself that I'm pushing Sara away for her sake, that it's for her own good, but it's just as much about me. I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I hurt her. We've been doing this dance for a while now, and it's not doing any of us any good. I want to stop, but I don't know how. How do you change who you are, who you have been for 50 years. How do you tell someone what you've never told anyone else, how do you give someone your heart and trust them to never let it go. I don't know if I'll ever figure it out…
Sara just sat there for a while staring at his handwriting, as though she couldn't really understand the words. She had never really understood his relationship with Heather. She had never been sure what it was. Was it friendship, was it love, was it sex… She had never known, but she had spent more than a few waking nights wondering. Especially after they got together, and the death of Heather's daughter brought her back into Gil's life. She hadn't understood the nature of their relationship and it had scared her. He had reassured her many times that he had never loved Heather, that it was something else, but he was never able to put it into words and explain it to her, and that had scared her even more. Now, the pieces were falling into place. He was lonely, and if anything that was something she could understand. 'She was to him what Hank was to me…' she thought to herself. 'He was looking for comfort, he wanted to move on, he wanted to numb the pain, just like I did…'. But it hadn't worked. For any of them…
March 13th 2003
Catherine came over tonight. She used to do that all the time, but we seem to have drifted away from each other lately. I cooked, she talked, just like the good old days. It was nice. I've actually missed our time together. I guess she needs someone to talk to after Eddie died. It's been a lot harder on her than she likes to admit, and I'm glad I can be that person to her. There were so many unresolved issued between the two of them, and she has a hard time letting go. She's so angry at him, and it's difficult to be angry with the dead. They don't fight back, and they don't give any answers.
She told me about Sara. About how that guy, Hank, hurt her. He already had a girlfriend. I can't believe why anyone would do that to someone they're supposed to care about. It makes me sick to think about how lonely she must feel right now. Within a month she finds out that her friend has lied to her and used her, and her boyfriend wasn't really her boyfriend, but that she was his mistress. He didn't deserve her. She doesn't deserve this. But life has never been fair… I feel ashamed, because part if me is happy that it's over. That he can't put his arms around her and kiss her anymore. That's a horrible thing to feel, but I can't help it…
It was difficult for Sara to describe how she had felt when she found out about Hank and Elaine. She had been hurt, but she hadn't been devastated. She just felt empty… And so alone. But then again, she had felt lonely when she was with him too. She had wanted it to work, she had wanted to be happy with him, but he was not who she wanted him to be. He was not Gil. She had been able to fool herself for a while, but she knew from the start that she would never love him. No matter how much she tried… She hadn't even been that mad at him, just sad… For Elaine more than anything. She had thought about telling her, but had decided against it. It was not her place.
Apr. 3rd 2003
I think Greg may be serious about getting out of the lab. He's been talking about it every now and then, loosely, but lately I get the feeling he really wants something more. I think he could do it. He's grown up a lot these last couple of years. Even though he still acts like frat boy sometimes, he's shown that there's a lot more to him than his pranks and silly jokes. He's smart, and I think he would fit in with the team. I think he's got what it takes…
Apr. 24th 2003
The episodes are becoming more frequent. I'm having them daily now. I have to decide what to do, but part of me is just hoping it will go away. That maybe it'll get better. I know it's irrational. It's easy to be objective when you're at the other end of the microscope. I keep pushing it away, trying not to think about it. I'm running out of time, I know… And it scares me to death. If I lose my job, I really don't have anything left. I never realized just how sad that is until it became a possibility…I have nothing else. My work has become my life…
May 3rd. 2003
I've never heard anything so loud in my life. The whole building shook, like an earthquake. I didn't realize what had happened until I saw the lab. There was nothing left of it. I can't believe how anyone could survive that, but he did. I remember walking next to Greg when they carried him out on the stretcher. It was like a dream, a nightmare. I remember faces but no sound, just the bang and then silence. Like a dream.
I didn't think she was in the building when it happened. She told me earlier she was going out. And when I saw her sitting on that curb, with cuts and bruises on her face, I felt another explosion. But it was inside my head this time. She was hurt. She had been there when it happened. She could have died right there, never knowing how I felt about her. It's all a blur. I remember walking up to her. I must have asked her if she was okay, because I know she said she was fine. But she wasn't. And neither was I. I guess I convinced her got to the hospital, she had a deep cut in her hand. It didn't look good, but she didn't even seem to notice. She looked lost, shock I guess…She could have died…
'I was lost…', Sara though to herself. She didn't know how out of it she had really been, but she remembered hearing his voice and seeing the shape of his body as he crouched down in front of her. It was the first time he called her "honey", and she would never forget. She couldn't help but smile when she realized that he didn't know. He didn't even remember what he had said. It was one of those rare moments when he hadn't weighed every word before speaking to her. His guard had been down, and she had been allowed a brief glimpse into his heart. He cared about her… deeply… It had given her the courage to go to his office after shift, to ask him to dinner. But he had rejected her… It still hurt to think about it. She remembered it like it was yesterday. That was the moment she decided to stop chasing him. That enough was enough… That was the one thing she could be in control of in this situation, and she made the decision the moment she turned around and walked away from his office, from him… But she couldn't control her heart, and it would never allow her to stop loving him.
I was sitting on the edge of my desk looking up the number for Dr. Roth when she walked in. She had the night off too. I tried to talk to her about what she did, going into that crime scene before the cops had cleared it. She should have been on paid leave after the explosion, and maybe that played a part, she wasn't herself. But she didn't come to my office for a lecture, she came to ask me to dinner. I said no... Without explanation, just no. I think most women would have walked away after that, but Sara… she's not most women. She challenged me, she does that… "Why not?" A simple question, but it had no simple answer. Not one that I could tell her anyway. Why not… I told her the only thing I could tell her, and it was the truth. "I don't know what to do about this…" I do know one thing; if I go to dinner with her, if I take Sara Sidle on a date, I will never ever be able to go back. Because I don't have to take her out to know that she's the one. I don't have to take her out to know that I'll love her forever. I already know. But if I take her out, I'll give myself a glimpse of what my life with her would be, and I know I'll never be able to let that go. And then, if…no… when, she decides to leave, when I drive her away, how am I supposed to go on without her…If it's hard now, that will be a thousand times harder. And I don't think I'll make it…
Sara had never really known why he turned her down that day. She had asked him about it, but he never really answered her. She had thought that maybe he didn't even know it himself, but he did. He had known exactly why he couldn't go to dinner with her… He had known himself well enough to see that if he crossed that bridge there was no turning back. And it was a step he was not ready to take. He had loved her too much, and he was sure she could never love him back when she really got to know him. He was sure she was going to leave once she saw who he really was. That it was just a crush, that it wouldn't last. What he hadn't understood was that it wasn't just a crush. That she had fell in love with him in San Francisco, and that she had loved him ever since. She knew all too well about his faults, his insecurities and his shortcomings. But it didn't matter. None of it made her love him any less. She had never expected him to be perfect, and she had known that it wouldn't be easy, but that hadn't changed the fact that he was all she had ever wanted in the world. He was all she would ever want…
May 15th 2003
Greg's back from the hospital. He's been back for a few days, but I haven't really had the chance to talk to him. I should have made the time. I went to see him in the hospital, but he was so out of it I don't think he even remembers. When I saw him in the lab today, I noticed his hands… they were shaking. He told me they had been doing that ever since the explosion. He can't make it stop… When I got home that day, after the explosion, my whole body trembled. I couldn't sleep, I just sat there for hours, shaking. It still happens every now and then when I think about it, and the migraines have been worse lately. It's a natural reaction, it'll stop. I told him that, and it's the truth. But it doesn't make it any less terrifying. I feel so bad for him…
I probably should have taken myself off this case, I'm drifting. I'm here, but not really. Catherine knows about my hearing. She figured it out. I thought I didn't want anyone to know, but I'm actually glad. I told Doc too, well, I asked for his opinion as doctor. I had already made up my mind, but maybe I just wanted him to know, to be able to talk to someone about it. He told me I should schedule the surgery as soon as possible. I already had. I'm going in tomorrow, and I'm scared. But I'm relieved too… I have to do this, and I just want to get it over with. Whatever happens… happens.
Sara wiped a tear away as she put the pages down in front of her. She could almost hear the sorrow and fear in his voice as she read his words. It had been a difficult time for both of them. It was so hard to read how much he had tortured himself with his feelings for her. How scared he had been. And she knew that she must have given life to all his nightmares when she walked out of his life leaving nothing but a letter. When she had declared her loved and said goodbye. She did it so that he didn't have to wait for her, to give him a choice. She didn't want him to feel like he owed her something. She couldn't take it if he waited for her out of guilt or pity or anything else. Except for love. That was all she wanted from him, and he had given it too her, in the shape of a diary… He hadn't even considered letting her go for a moment, and this was his way of telling her. He loved her that much… He always had, and she knew without a doubt that he always would…
She slipped into a pair of shoes, and put on a jacket. It was time to go out for something to eat. He would want her too…
TBC
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A/N2: Like I said before, season 3 was DARK, and so har to write about. I'd love to hear what you all think went on in his head at this time, and I'd like to hear what you thought about this chapter. It became a lot longer than planned, and a bit "rambly" maybe, but that's the way it is. Hope you thought it was okay. I've love all of your reviews, and I'd love your thoughts on this...
A/N3: And for next time, season 4. We all know what that means right? "Invisible Evidence" and "Butterflied" is up next! Hope to see all of you there!!
