*Edit, I added italicized lines here since formating didn't copy over for some reason
Hey there! I got really busy and had to skip updating yesterday. I guess that'll make up for the day I put two chapters out. Anyway, this is the second to last chapter, and also the first chapter written. This is sort of the core of the story. It was an entirely independent story, a one-shot, that I wanted to expand into what is now an eight-chapter story. So, I hope you like it.
I don't own YuGiOh.
I shouldn't be here. Staying away for so long, I can see him interacting with the world as if I didn't exist. He's happy, he's peaceful, he doesn't need me. Clearly, I don't matter here. I'm fooling myself if I think I'm doing anything to protect him. Everything I do is selfish, and if I were gone, there'd be nothing to protect him from.
I wrinkled my nose as he hugged Anzu goodbye. He's doing just as well without me. I have no right to be here. What I should do is leave him alone more often.
He looked my direction as I moved closer. A frown was on his lips, which put an uneasy feeling into my stomach. I backed off, scoffing and disappearing into the Puzzle. He doesn't need me here. I'm only a hitchhiker here to invade his privacy and his life. He has nowhere to hide from me, short of taking the Puzzle off. But he'd never do that; he's too kind, too light; he'd never condemn me to the shadows where I belong. He would never do that to me out of compassion, while if I were in his position, I'd never condemn him to such a fate because I am selfish.
I do not deserve him. Whatever twist of fate brought me to him, and him to me, clearly has a sick sense of humor. How could I touch something so light? And yet, that's all I crave. I want what I couldn't possibly do… perhaps these fates aren't as terrible as I had thought. They present him to me, but they wouldn't actually chance my touching him; if I were to try, my hand would phase straight through. As it should be; I can only ever dampen his light. I can only drag him down, cause him pain and siphon his spirit.
I am a hitchhiker here, a parasite. I know it is compassion that keeps him patient toward me, and yet I think it must be cruel. He keeps me here, in his pocket, and I am but the spirit of the Millennium Puzzle. How I want more, but I couldn't possibly…
It would be better if he just took the Puzzle off.
"Stop it!" A familiar voice echoed loudly through the labyrinth I was walking.
I stopped in my tracks, shock splitting through me and a chill sweeping over my skin. Is he in trouble? When I last left him, his friends were departing and he was going to go upstairs to study for his school. What trouble could he have possibly gotten into?
Out in the physical world, prepared to forcibly take over his body to defend him, I was shocked to find him alone in his room. He stood in the center, gripping the Puzzle tightly and glaring at it. I relaxed, regret and disgust with myself for being so ready to take advantage of him again filled my stomach. But as I realized that he was safe, I also realized that he'd still shouted. Who else could he be talking to, other than me?
"What's wrong, Yuugi?" I asked, deciding to use his name and not step where I do not belong. Yes, he is mine, but what right do I really have to call him Aibou? Or my Hikaru? No, in no eyes but the most tainted is he mine.
"Yami, stop it." He pleaded, not looking up at me. Now, when he spoke, I realized his voice was shaking and his eyes were wet. He was crying. I don't know what's going on, but now I felt even worse. Have I caused this?
"What would you like me to cease?" I asked, lowering my voice and trying my damnedest to understand.
He looked up at me, his caring at letting me see his tears dissipating. I felt it go as my own uneasiness filled me. "I'm not going to take the Puzzle off. I would never do that! And it isn't just because I don't want you to suffer. You don't deserve that, Mou Hitori no Boku. Stop saying things like that."
Had I been unintentionally speaking out loud? Within the depths of the Labyrinth, where I spent so many eons alone, I might have spoken without realizing it…
"You're not alone anymore. And you don't deserve to be alone either. I'm not going to take this Puzzle off."
Wait. No. No…. nononononnononno.
He flinched, looking down and eyes watering. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to tell you. I lied, and I didn't want to hurt you, but I already have. But I couldn't stand to let you put yourself down like that because you don't deserve it. Yami, you're my closest friend, my other half, and I don't want to imagine my life without you like that."
He can hear my thoughts. Immediately, I tracked such a connection in our mind and found it. My mind was entirely open to him, but he'd blocked his from me with an iron wall. Oh… no… He's heard it all. Everything.
He nodded.
"You should take it off." I lowered my voice and inhaled deeply. I towered over him, standing tall as he cowered downward.
He immediately looked back up to me with a glare. So rarely does he wear one of those. "No! I won't do it, please stop saying that!"
But there are no more secrets between us; perhaps, there never were. He knows exactly who I am, and that's why he's afraid of me. He should be afraid of me.
"I'm not afraid of you." He shook his head. I keep forgetting, despite the fact that his knowledge of my thoughts was the topic at hand.
"But I am not light like you are. I am selfish, and dark, and now I realize, you've seen it all along." No particular instance of disgrace came to memory at the moment, but I knew myself well enough to know I have hated those around him, sought destruction to his enemies, expressed jealousy to his friends, and disrespectful possessiveness toward him. I've fanaticized about spilling blood and daydreamed of ruining lives. "You should be afraid of me, Yuugi. You shouldn't trust me and you shouldn't allow me so near."
"I'm sorry I've been eavesdropping like this for so long." His voice was low and his face was lowered. He refused to look at me. "But I didn't want you to hear my thoughts, and I didn't want you to try to change who you were, or hate me for this. I understand if you did, and it was wrong of me, but now you know and you can block your thoughts all you want to. If you want me to take the Puzzle off because you're upset with me, because I broke your trust, I will. But I won't take it off because you think you're a burden. I'm not afraid of you. Yeah, you frighten me sometimes and I don't always agree with what you're thinking, but I could never hate you. I understand you. You were so alone, before, and now you're only interaction with the outside world is through me. I know it's frustrating, and I know I'm not the best host, but I'm the one you've got. I know I'm weak and pathetic, I don't have a backbone, and I'm not dumb, I know that those other kids cheat all the time, but I really care about you and I don't want you thinking all those things about yourself. Before you came along, I didn't have any friends at all. And now I've got Jonouchi, Anzu, and Honda, but you're still my closest friend. I'm clingy and pathetic, but I really don't want to lose you."
His speech sounded prepared, like he'd been thinking about it for a while. Any of the gut-reactions I had throughout that I couldn't voice because I didn't want to interrupt him had faded, and now I didn't know what to say. His words cut through me, silencing me, and I didn't really know how to respond. The things he said, they were because I've thought it. I used to call him weak and pathetic a lot, actually. When he first finished the Puzzle, before he knew I was here – or perhaps before I realized he know I was here – I hated him. And he was listening that entire time. As I realized this, I felt even more like shit.
He flinched. I remembered once more that he was listening. Shit. "Yuugi…"
"I know." He glanced up at me, just long enough to remind me of his wet eyes before looking down again. "You don't hate me anymore. Not like that at least, but I am still weak and pathetic. I still don't have a backbone; you're right about all of that."
Fucking damn it. "You're not." I practically groaned, my chest aching as everything caught up to me. "You've stood up to monsters and villains alike and you haven't bat an eye. You are powerful and courageous."
He laughed a bit, shaking his head. "That wasn't me. It never was me; that was always you. Bakura terrifies me, and without you here, I'd probably run and hide."
I don't believe it. "And if your friends were in danger, you'd lead the charge."
He didn't have an answer for this.
"You don't need to apologize for listening to my thoughts. Without you, they wouldn't be here. In fact, they belong to you." I decided that however this lands, I refuse to regret it. Do with them what you will. "If anything, I will apologize to you for having to listen to them…"
"I know you don't mean any of that." He denied immediately. "You're a really good liar, Yami. I know you're upset with me for not telling you."
I let out a breath, deciding that there was no point in denying it. Of course, I am. I'm upset he's silently been listening to every evil thought I've had and not said anything about it. That we've gone this long with him seeing how terrible I actually am, when I always wanted him to think better of me. I've wanted to impress him… he's heard all this too, hasn't he?
He nodded. "And you aren't as bad as you think you are. You have dark thoughts, but, you aren't evil. In your own way, you make sense. I can see how you see the world, and even though I don't agree, it does make sense. The world isn't yours, it owes you nothing and you owe it nothing. You haven't been a part of it for hundreds of years, and now, your only connection to it is me. But it hasn't been treating me very well, so your only solid experience with it, in all of your memory, is pretty dark. Yeah, it's kind of scary sometimes, but your mind isn't something I regret or shun. I can deal with your hostility and overprotectiveness, it's a part of who you are and that's important to me. But I can't deal with the most important person in my life genuinely thinking about ending theirs."
He's definitely crying again. My heart twisted and my gut hurt. Any chance I've ever had of impressing him or making him look up to me was long gone. No. Of all the thoughts I didn't want him to hear, perhaps those are it.
I was about to say something in a formal response, but he was already accepting my thoughts as conversation fuel. "And I understand that too."
My jaws locked and I finally looked away from him. For the first time in this conversation, I tried to block from him my thoughts. He flinched and let out a shaky breath. I looked back, drawn by the motion of him raising a hand from the Puzzle still in his grip to wipe his eyes.
"It hasn't scared me away yet either." His voice was softer now and he adjusted his grip on the Puzzle. He was rubbing over the eye emblem with his thumb. "I think I understand it too. I don't… exactly mind that either."
And why not? I'd be foolish to hope he wouldn't have heard me think it time and again, so there's no real point in pretending like I haven't. He is my Hikaru, my other, and I do not like sharing. I watch him through the day and I know that the small, light one is the one I can claim, and so I do. The attachment is impossible to avoid, and surely he's aware it isn't entirely unfounded. And yet he doesn't mind? As I know the boy, he would mind this most. He would hate me for acting or thinking in such a way, claiming him as my own and getting jealous when even Jonouchi touches him how I cannot.
"Why not?" I don't care if he hates me anymore. I don't care if he's terrified of me. I cannot block my thoughts as he can, and it wouldn't matter anyway. He already knows it all.
"Because I feel the same way." He wiped his eyes again. "I don't like sharing you, Yami. You're always here with me, close at hand, and your thoughts have always been there for me when I know no one would want to waste time with me. It's irrational, and I've become spoiled, but I've sort of started using you as a crutch. I know I'd feel deprived if you were to ever leave. I'd be devastated if you asked me to stop wearing the Puzzle."
I have my doubts on his sentiments, but clearly there is merit in them to an extent. No matter how used to me he has become, I doubt he is as attached to me as I am to him. It is unhealthy and he doesn't deserve it.
"Yuugi, it's getting late." I decided to end this conversation. Nothing beneficial could come of it and I was growing tired of trying to control my own emotions. "You should study so you can sleep."
For whatever reason, he began to panic. His heart rate rose and my eyes were instantly on his face. What is it? The instinct to do something hit me, but rationally thinking, I knew there was nothing to protect him from right now.
"Do you know why I blocked my thoughts?" He demanded, finally looking up at me.
I shook my head slowly. I could think of a lot of theories, but mostly they involved doubting his faith in me and his intentions. None of which I could practically contemplate; he is too light.
"Because I'm afraid you'd hate me. You were right... when you thought I was weak and pathetic. I don't have a backbone, I'm clingy, and I whine a lot. I'm sure I take it all for granted, having friends and such, and if you actually heard my thoughts, you'd hate me as much as you used to. I didn't want you to think lesser of me… but it isn't fair is it? You don't have to try so hard to impress me, Yami, because you already do. But I'm nothing like you."
"What…" He was clearly implying something, and if I was correct…
I'm about to lose my closest friend because I was whiny, and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I'm certain he- ah… you hate me. He probably doesn't even want to hear my thoughts. It would just be annoying to him, and I don't want to lose this.
"Yuugi." I blinked in surprise. It's his voice in my head, so distinctly his that it nearly hurt. My stomach flipped over, and my chest practically vibrated with each word.
"I'm really sorry, Yami." Mou Hitori no Boku, my other half, I've been lying to him for so long. I should let him go. Give him space. He'll block his thoughts and I'll never hear them again. I've lost a gift I never should have had.
"No, no." I didn't know what I was denying, but I couldn't pay attention to that. His inner monologue resonated with the emotional connection I've already shared with him for so long. I can't only hear his thoughts, but I can practically feel them as my own. Before this, I had been skeptical and reluctant of his own doubts and fears, but now I can feel them as my own and his motivation became mine.
No. I need to stop doing that. Not mine. Nothing about him or his is mine.
And his thoughts aren't mine. He doesn't want that, with someone like me. It's unnecessary. I should… I should just go to bed.
"Yuugi." I wasn't entirely sure what to say, despite how certain I was about my sentiments. I wanted to acknowledge how wrong I've been, how out of line and how much I should apologize, but I couldn't. Particularly as I could feel his emotions resonate with his internal monologue – I don't want him to change - I found myself only satisfied. "If I make you uncomfortable..." I tried to find the right words, which were a decent compromise between the truth and what I wanted to be the truth, but his own thoughts distracted me - you'd like it – reminding me that he knows me far better now than I had ever wanted.
"Sorry." He apologized quickly, flinching and looking away.
I decided not to address this. "If I make you uncomfortable, make me stop. I don't know if I could block my thoughts as well as you can yours." And I don't want him to hate me.
"I can't hate you." He shook his head, looking down at the Puzzle in his hands again. I can't hate myself.
I tilted my head curiously, but didn't have the time to ask vocally or mentally what he meant before I understood. It was a rather immediate understanding, more of a dawning of realization that put both his thoughts and my own into perspective. He views me as a part of himself; a part he cannot control. The part he relies on for strength. I had never thought about it this way, and yet, I believe I view him the same way. He is the part of me that I cannot directly control, the part that keeps me grounded in the world of the living and keeps me trusting and light.
He started walking forward then, around me despite the fact I held no physical form. This distracted me from my line of thoughts, causing me to pivot to continue watching him as he went toward the bed to grab his pajamas. I'm tired. He felt tired, in more ways than one. I suppose our conversation is over. "I won't block my thoughts from you anymore." He said, avoiding eye contact as I watched him closely. "Not unless you get tired of hearing it and you want some mental silence. I can do that."
I left him alone then, figuring my thoughts were answer enough. He doesn't want me to change, and I'm not sure I could anyway. I want to be better, to be the person I've always wanted him to see me as, but I've never been that person. Instead, I found myself watching him closely through our bonded emotions and now through our connected thoughts.
I know he's listening now, and he'll get tired of it eventually. I haven't changed as much as he thinks I have. I'm just as weak as I used to be, but I've made him think I wasn't. Now he'll see I've been lying to him just as well as he's lied to me. I do love how much he enjoys my soul room. His sudden change of thought subject made me realize that I, myself, had exited the Puzzle into the hall between our minds, and I had the intentions of entering his soul room.
I sighed and continued on, pushing past my own hesitation. I do love this room. It is mine, after all. I knew every corner, every toy, and every card in this room.
He spends a lot of time in there.
I sat on the edge of the bed and attempted to act as if I didn't know he was listening to my every thought. It can't be helped, and it shouldn't matter. Nothing's changed, fundamentally. But now, I have to wonder how realistic my expectations and goals are. I don't think I can give up on them, but now I must figure out how to get what I want when he knows exactly what I want.
There it is. The first several chapters had seemed aimless without clear plot. Now, I hope you can see, they actually had a clear and decisive progression as Yami's own internal thoughts and view of the world around him - particularly of Yuugi - have progressed. A fun little tidbit; Yami did hear Yuugi's thoughts in the very beginning, but it had been so early that he hadn't realized it himself.
So now, every time something is italicized, that's Yuugi's thoughts. If it isn't italicized, just assume Yuugi can hear it too. If it gets confusing following a conversation where Yuugi's responding to Yami's thoughts, not just his words, well, it's confusing to Yami too. That's the point.
Thank you for reading!
