All the Time in the World
CHAPTER SEVEN:
Bobby and Sam laid Dean down in one of the bedrooms to let him rest undisturbed. The last attack had been particularly brutal and Dean would need all the sleep he could get to recover.
Andrea and Lucas had arrived shortly thereafter. Sam introduced them to Haley then excused himself so that he could talk to Bobby alone. The two of them had decided to step out into Bobby's yard to take in the cool, fresh air and the stars in the night sky. Both of them agreed that they needed to clear their heads so they could figure out the next step. Sam also had to tell Bobby about the dream he had.
"The demon came to you in a dream?" Bobby asked, surprised. "I saw Dean kill it."
"I know, so did I. Is it possible that the Colt and the bullet only killed the human host and not the demon itself?"
"I suppose anything is possible, but from what I've heard about the Colt, it's supposed to kill anything."
Sam paced around the yard and hid his expressions with the moon's shadows.
"Back at Cold Oak, when it came into my dreams then, it showed me the night he came into my room…" Sam hesitated. "It showed me that it fed me some of its blood…and that our mom knew it."
"Your mom knew the demon?" Bobby asked shocked.
"Yeh, when she came back into my room, she acted like she had recognized it. I don't know how, but that's what it showed me. I don't know if it was lying to me or not, Bobby…" Sam said with a tinge of frustration in his voice, "then this time, it told me that by feeding me its blood, I was 'imprinted' to become the leader of its army."
Sam stopped to take in a shaky breath.
"I'm scared, Bobby, what if I can't stop what's happening…it said Dean has been the only obstacle in its way, that he's been the only one who could protect me…" Sam said, his emotions and words spilling out uncontrolled. "It said that's why Dad sacrificed himself to save Dean. He knew that Dean was the one -"
"Sam, hold it right there. Like you said, we don't know if whatever this thing that came into your dream is really the demon and whether it was telling the truth or not. I, for one, am not convinced. Demons lie to get what they want. Don't you ever forget that. I don't believe it's back. Something else is manipulating you and Dean. I think it's Meg. She was messing with Dean's head, too."
"What? How do you know? I thought you said Dean had lost consciousness before he could tell you."
"Call it a gut feeling. Haley said that he was telling some voice in his head that he wouldn't let it have you. Only way to know for sure is to ask Dean when he wakes up," Bobby said. "He was fighting hard, Sam. He hasn't given up yet so don't you go giving into your doubts. We don't have the time for it."
Sam nodded.
"I think we need to step up the timetable. These attacks on Dean are happening more often and are wearing him down. I'm worried he won't be able to take much more."
"I'm worried too," Sam said. "I've never seen him in that much pain and I can't help feeling –"
"Responsible?"
"Yeh."
"I know, Sam, but you have to remember that Dean made his choice. Much as you and I hate that he did, the harsh reality of it is, he made that deal, but he did it as much for himself as for you so don't go taking the whole blame for it."
"He's right, you know," Dean said behind them.
They both turned to see Dean leaning on a wrecked car with his right hand, wavering under his weight.
"And I'd do it again."
"Dean, what are you doing out of bed?" Bobby scolded.
"I couldn't sleep anymore…" Dean said just as his legs began to give way underneath him.
Bobby and Sam caught him then helped him sit down.
"You have to take it easy. What you went through –" Sam said.
"Was just a slice of Hell. I know," Dean joked as he laid back in the chair and the world finally stopped spinning.
He sighed and groaned as he relaxed into it. Dean hated the weakness and pain he was feeling. He wasn't coming out of the attacks intact. He felt it. It worried him. Not for himself, but for everyone else who was there. He had seen that Andrea and Lucas had arrived to help him too. Dean humbly thanked them for coming to help and they had both smiled, happy to see him then Lucas had hugged him. Dean hated that Lucas would be put at risk. He didn't want to be less than at his best for all of them, but he didn't think he would have a choice in the matter.
"Dean, can you tell us what happened?" Bobby asked.
"It was Meg, just like you said. She was giving me the same load of bull she usually does," Dean evaded a little.
"Like what?" Sam prodded, knowing there was more to the story.
"You know, stuff…" Dean dodged again.
"Dean, you can't just keep things from me. You can't protect me anymore. I need to know."
Dean closed his eyes tiredly, knowing that Sam was right and hating that he was. It wasn't just about him. It never had been.
"She said that after I'm dead, you'd be the leader to her daddy's little army, but Sam, I know that will NEVER happen. You could never do that. I know that. I know you."
"What if I can't stop it?" Sam challenged. "Not without you?"
Dean looked up at Sam.
"You can, Sam," Dean insisted. "I can't make you believe in yourself. Only you can do that. You have to promise me that you'll do that."
"Dean, the yellow-eyed demon came to me in a dream…" Sam admitted.
"What?" Dean said, his eyes widening in shock. "No, it's dead. I killed it. It was just a dream, that's all it was."
"Maybe," Sam said, not completely convinced. "Bobby thinks it's Meg who's playing with both of us."
"I think he's right because it would be just like that bitch to jerk our chains like that," Dean insisted again.
"Even if it is her, it doesn't mean it might not be true. That I'm supposed to end up…"
"Sam…" Dean shook his head in soft frustration.
Just then, Lucas walked in and the conversation stopped.
"Hey, Dean," Lucas said quietly, worried he had done something wrong.
"Hey, there buddy, what's up?" Dean asked.
"Can I talk to you?"
"Well, sure," Dean said, confused.
"Just the two of us?"
Sam and Bobby smiled, suspicion not even on their minds, as they walked out to leave them alone.
"Have a seat there, Lucas. What's on your mind?" Dean asked.
"I'm scared," Lucas admitted.
"Hey, it's okay to be scared and if you don't want to do this –"
"No, Dean, I'm not scared for me. I want to do this, but…"
"But what, kiddo?" Dean encouraged.
"I'm scared for you."
Dean looked at Lucas and all he could think about was how much he had reminded him of Sam. It brought back both great and not so great memories of their childhood. The great moments were when Sam had still been able to play and act just like any other little kid even when they were going on hunts. Dean had still been able to excuse them away as adventures, making them sound like fairy tales instead of horror stories.
Eventually though, hiding the truth had became harder and then it had become impossible. Much as he loved their father, the older Sam had gotten, the more their father had expected him to take on the training. Then came the not so great times. Times where Sam had gotten upset when their dad had scolded him for messing up, or worse, made him feel like he could have gotten either of them killed. No amount of reassurances from Dean had been able to ease those moments for Sam. Soon, Sam had just begun to rebel against the life they were being raised in and the rift between their dad and Sam had grown larger and larger until the argument that had finally driven Sam away. Dean couldn't have prevented it no matter how much he had tried.
He looked at Lucas and wished he could do that for him too, to protect him from knowing so much about what evil is and what it's capable of. He wanted to keep him just a kid for a little while longer, but, like Sam, he couldn't. Evil had already touched him. It saddened and angered Dean.
"There's nothing to be scared of, Lucas. I'm going to be okay."
Lucas looked into the eyes of his hero, second only to his dad. Dean had been there for him during the worst time of his life. He had made him feel less scared when he didn't know what was happening to him and then had saved him. As far as Lucas was concerned, Dean was as good as Batman and better than Superman.
"I can see things now. Sam called them visions."
"Yeh, I heard. You got yourself some pretty awesome superpowers there, kid," Dean said, smiling, proud that Lucas was making the best of what had to be a frightening situation.
"When I first got them, I was scared. I was really scared, but I remembered what you told me. You know, about being brave and I wasn't scared anymore," Lucas said with a small smile. "I help people just like you do. I like saving people."
Dean smiled at the courage he saw in Lucas's eyes. He could never take credit for the kind of kid he was or for the fine young man he knew he would become. A mother's love would do that for him. Lucas turned serious again.
"I'm scared because I see you hurting. Real bad. And then…" Lucas paused, biting his upper lip nervously.
"What? It's okay, Lucas. You can tell me."
"I see you dying, Dean. I don't want to but I can't help it," Lucas started crying then thrust himself into Dean to hug him, his little boy façade breaking through the bravery on the surface.
"Hey, hey there, Lucas. It's okay," Dean said, worry creased his face as he stroked Lucas's back in comfort.
"No, it's not, Dean. I see things and they come true. I don't want to see things anymore, not if I see you die. I don't want to see you die!" Lucas said his voice was distraught and seemingly inconsolable.
"You won't. I promise," Dean said, grimacing at having to make a promise he might not be able to keep.
He had never broken a promise and it killed him that he might do that to someone who deserved better.
"You can't promise. My visions. They always come true," Lucas said.
Dean flinched when Lucas accused that he couldn't promise that he wouldn't die. Innocence had been taken from him and there was nothing Dean could do about that except to be honest with him.
"Lucas, listen to me," Dean said as he gently broke their hug to look into his eyes. "No more lies, okay? You're right. I can't promise you that nothing will happen. I don't make promises I can't keep, but I WILL promise you that Sam will try really hard to stop it. So will I. And I know that your mom and Haley will try too. Most of all, I know that you'll try the hardest. I want you to know how proud I am of you."
Dean choked up with emotion, remembering his father telling him that just before he had died. It had been small comfort to him then because all that expression of pride and love had come with steep prices. One was the their father trading his soul so that Dean could live. The other was the steepest of all, the promise to kill Sam if he couldn't save him.
A part of him hated doing the same thing to Lucas, in a way, to tell him how proud he was of him only to have them possibly be the last words Lucas would ever hear him say. Still, by doing it, he finally understood what his father must have meant and felt by saying those same words to him. Unlike his father, though, he would not leave Lucas with a burden to bear for the rest of his life. He needed Lucas to know that trying was everything. That caring enough to offer your life to save another's was heroic enough. That it meant the world.
"Lucas, I want you to know that no matter what happens, it's not your fault. I don't want you to hate me or hate your gift if something bad happens. Sometimes, you can't stop bad things from happening. Sometimes you can't save everyone, but it doesn't mean you failed. I want you to know that it means the world to me that you're here, trying to help me. Trying is everything, Lucas. Sometimes it's the only thing. Do you understand?"
Lucas nodded and smiled at Dean. He had started to feel a little better with Dean's assurances. In the doorway, Sam had listened to Dean talking to Lucas and couldn't help, but feel swelled with pride himself for a brother who had never let him feel like a failure.
"I'm going to try really hard, Dean."
"I know you will, buddy," Dean said.
Lucas then left the room and Dean took in a deep breath. He felt drained and though he tried to hide it from Lucas, he wasn't feeling well at all. There was a background of pain that wasn't going away and sometimes it would make its presence known by a sudden muscle spasm.
"That means you too, you know," He called out, knowing Sam had been listening.
Sam emerged from the shadows and sat next to Dean.
"I mean it, Sam, no matter what, you didn't fail me. You could NEVER fail me. Got that?"
"Yeh, Dean, I do," Sam said with a faint smile that disappeared.
"But? I can hear a 'but' in that tone of yours. I could always tell when there was a 'but'."
Sam laughed a little, but then became serious again.
"I have to tell you something…" Sam started. "About that night when mom died. I didn't tell you everything about the first dream with the demon back in Cold Oak."
Dean nodded.
"I wondered, but didn't want to push it," Dean admitted. "I was just glad to see you alive."
Dean sighed at the memory. Sam bowed his head afraid to meet Dean in the eyes.
"Dean, the demon showed me that it fed me its blood that night."
"What?" Dean said, shocked and repulsed at what Sam had been put through.
"This last dream, he told me that doing that 'marked' me so that the demon army would know who I was, that they would find me and know that I was their leader," Sam said, the worry in his voice returning.
"Sam, don't believe it. It wasn't the demon. I killed it. This is all Meg's doing."
"Even if it is, I still drank the demon's blood. I saw that with my own eyes. It could have changed me that night…it might change me when you…if you…" Sam amended.
"Sam, there is more to you than drinking demon blood. You were raised by Dad–"
"And by you," Sam added quickly.
Dean just shrugged off the compliment.
"You're Sam Winchester. You're my pain-in-the-ass little brother. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from you, you hear me?" Dean encouraged as a spasm of pain hit him and he moaned.
Sam listened to Dean's words and was moved by his big brother's steadfast faith and belief in him. It was the same kind of devoted faith and belief that Dean had placed in their father and that Sam had questioned for so long. He felt a touch of shame for doubting Dean's devotion because here he was now, relying on him, depending on him to keep him centered and whole. Sam wondered now if their dad had felt the same way. If he had relied on Dean's unwavering support and obedience for more than just following orders, that Dean's heartfelt words of "It's okay, Dad" whenever he really needed it had single-handedly kept their dad going and moving forward to the next hunt. Somehow, Sam was sure that Dean had.
"Yeh, I hear you, but…" Sam said with a smile, but it faded again. "I'm still afraid, Dean."
The little boy sound in his voice made Dean long for the days when he could take away all of Sam's fears with a cocky smile, a sarcastic joke, or with just a simple reassuring word. Those days were long gone and Dean didn't know how to make it better for Sam.
"I know you are, Sam," Dean assured with honesty.
"You're not afraid," Sam commented.
Dean looked at Sam and pondered whether to tell him that he had accepted his fate.
"Look, I knew what I was getting into. I wouldn't change it for anything. Not then, not now. So, since it would have happened no matter what, I can't whine about it," Dean admitted.
His eyes welled up remembering a still and lifeless Sam on the ratty bed. When he squeezed them closed from a spasm of pain, the tears fell down his cheeks.
"I couldn't leave you like that, Sammy. I just couldn't," he said, his voice having the same hushed and pained croak it had then. "It hurt more to think of you like that than it did to make that deal. It was about wanting you to live. I wasn't trying to be selfish by bringing you back only to leave you in a year, but it was the deal I was dealt so I took it. I needed to take care of you and I needed to give you a chance at life again. You've been robbed of so much. First Mom, then Jess…Then Dad."
"And losing you makes up for all that?" Sam asked, not trying to sound accusing, but plaintive. "Because as much as losing them hurt, losing you…I…I just…I… "
Sam was at a loss for words, there weren't any in the whole of the English language that could express what his heart was feeling for a big brother who had been everything to him, who had sacrificed everything for him all of his life. Any words would either fall short or just be maudlin substitutes. In the end, words were empty. In the Winchester family, actions spoke louder.
"Dean, we'll get through this. I'll get you through this," he said as confidently as he could.
"I know you will, Sammy. You always have," Dean said, as he smiled at his little brother, not revealing that just being around Sam for as long he had left was getting him through it.
oooo
TBC
Thanks to Tiffany for beta-ing this story and for keeping the inspiration going. Thanks for reading, everyone! Hope you're enjoying it!
