More Ianto angst ahead! Thanks as always to my fantastic beta Prothrombintime.
Chapter Seven
Ianto couldn't stop a smile from tugging at the corners of his mouth as he disconnected the call and put down his phone. Jack had sounded almost coy when he'd asked if he could stop by for a cup of Ianto's 'heavenly' coffee. He idly wondered if Jack actually wanted coffee or if his request had been a euphemism for 'snog each other senseless'. Either option was more than all right with Ianto, but he realised, somewhat to his chagrin, that he was rather hoping for the less literal interpretation.
Still smiling, he picked up the pair of trousers he'd been altering and returned to the task at hand.
It had been two days since he'd woken up in Jack's arms and subsequently broken down, the memories he'd been trying so hard to suppress flooding back with a vengeance. He'd never told anyone about what had happened that night at the club. He wasn't sure why he'd opened up to Jack. He'd never had someone to talk to about it before, but even if he had, he'd felt too humiliated and ashamed. Yet that horrible experience had served as the impetus he'd needed to pull himself back from the brink of self-destruction. In the days that had followed, hiding away from the world and giving his body time to recover, he'd finally given in completely to the grief of losing his father. He'd also begun to ease back on his drinking. He still had his moments, but he no longer relied on alcohol to dull the pain as he had in those darker times.
Needing an outlet for his self-destructive desires, he'd found solace by writing in his diary, pouring out all the rage and despair he'd kept so deeply buried. Eventually, the tears had stopped falling, and the tumult of his emotions had been given expression as frantically written ramblings sprawling countless pages.
A part of him was relieved that he'd told Jack about the club incident. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders. However, his more vulnerable side was deeply mortified. He wanted to be Jack's equal. He didn't want Jack to see him as weak or traumatised, or as someone who was fragile and should be pitied. Jack had been kind and sympathetic, but Ianto didn't want sympathy. He didn't want comfort or concessions. He didn't want them, but deep down he knew he needed them... he needed someone who would be patient and understanding. He hated feeling vulnerable and exposed, and his admission felt like another impediment in their tentative relationship. He also knew it wouldn't be the last one.
He'd thought several times that the wisest course of action would be to end this thing with Jack before the two of them became further involved. But each time he thought about doing that, he'd remember their brief time together and how much happier he'd felt in the other man's presence. Jack was exuberant and full of life. He was charming and fun to be around. Jack made him feel desired and appreciated. Jack treated him with admiration and respect. Ianto had never really felt those things before. Jack was in many ways his opposite, yet the older man seemed to genuinely enjoy being with him, much to Ianto's bewilderment.
The old adage that 'opposites attract' occurred to him. He'd always dismissed such simplistic notions with a healthy degree of contempt, yet he was beginning to concede that there might be some truth to it. He would never have imagined being attracted to someone like Jack, but he couldn't deny his feelings. Their intensity bordered on terrifying. He wasn't about to delude himself that he and Jack could have anything more than a short-lived affiliation. He wasn't exciting or outgoing enough to keep someone like Jack interested. But for the first time in what seemed like as long as he could remember, he felt hopeful that there could be something more for him than a desolate and lonely existence. He couldn't willingly give that up.
The bell jingled, interrupting his thoughts. By the time Ianto had put down his work and risen to his feet, Jack appeared at the curtained doorway with a wide, beaming smile firmly in place. The older man was wearing his new suit accompanied by a cobalt blue shirt and a navy silk tie with a fine grey, diagonal stripe. Ianto swallowed, feeling his mouth go dry. Jack looked stunning.
Jack strode forward and Ianto let out an unmanly yelp as his face was grasped by two warm, strong hands, and his mouth was captured in a demanding kiss. Sliding his arms beneath Jack's suit jacket, and wrapping them around Jack's firm chest, Ianto pulled him closer. He didn't hesitate to return the kiss with equal enthusiasm.
"I hope you don't greet everyone you know like that," Ianto commented dryly after they'd eventually broken apart, a smile forming on his lips.
"Only the gorgeous, irresistible ones," Jack said with a grin and playfully kissed the tip of Ianto's nose.
Ianto rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help feeling more than a little bit flattered. He took a step backwards, gazing critically over Jack's attire. "So, how's the new suit?"
"It's fantastic. I love it," Jack replied enthusiastically, spinning around to give Ianto a three-sixty degree view. "I wanted to save wearing it until our date, but I couldn't resist showing it off at work. I've been getting compliments all day." He winked teasingly. "The girls at work can't keep their hands off me. Neither can some of the guys."
"You do know you're completely shameless?" Ianto retorted, shaking his head fondly. "You're rather dashing though, I'll give you that. And at the risk of sounding immodest, the suit looks amazing on you."
Ianto had expected Jack to deliver a flirtatious reply, but instead he simply stood and gazed at Ianto intently with his bright, blue eyes. Ianto only just managed not to squirm with embarrassment under the intense scrutiny.
"I've missed you," Jack said quietly.
Ianto felt his eyes widen in surprise. Jack always managed to say things he never expected. He realised the older man's unpredictability was just one of the many things he found so appealing. "It's only been two days, Jack."
"I know." Jack looked a little bit sheepish. "Doesn't make it any less true though."
"I've missed you too." Ianto was surprised by his admission, but knew it was the truth. Jack had been featuring heavily in his thoughts, and he's been looking forward to seeing him again. "Coffee?" he suggested, feeling slightly awkward.
"I'd love some." Jack smiled as he moved over to the table and sat down.
Ianto smiled in return, then stepped over to the kitchen area, and busied himself by putting on the kettle and preparing their drinks. He took several deep, steadying breaths as he worked, focusing on the familiar routine to calm his thoughts.
"Here you go." He put Jack's cup down in front of him, and sat down on the other chair.
"Thanks, Ianto." Jack picked up his cup and drew in a deep breath, his eyes flickering closed. "Mmm," he murmured before taking a tentative sip. "Delicious."
Ianto smiled to himself as he took a sip of his own coffee.
"So, how does Thursday night sound for dinner?" Jack asked. "Do you like Italian? There's a great place down near the bay…"
Before he could stop himself, Ianto cringed, and Jack paused with a frown. "What's wrong?"
Ianto sighed and rubbed distractedly at the back of his neck. "Italian's fine. But there's… um… well, there's something I need to talk to you about and it's... well, it's a bit embarrassing." He paused and took another sip of coffee to strengthen his resolve. He knew he couldn't put it off any longer. "I'm broke," he blurted out.
"Oh." Jack's features twisted in confusion. "But what about all this... the shop... your business?"
"It's a long story, Jack." Ianto sighed again and looked down at his cup to avoid the other man's piercing gaze. "The business has been on the decline for years. People don't spend money on tailoring like they used to. Everything is mass produced and disposable these days. And when my dad died, he had a lot of debts. We had to sell the house to pay everything off, plus there were the funeral costs and everything else."
Jack nodded but thankfully remained silent. Ianto took another sip of coffee. Once again he found himself revealing something painful and deeply mortifying. With determination, he looked up and met Jack's eyes.
"In the end, there wasn't much left, and I had to split that with my sister," Ianto continued to explain. "She wanted to sell the business. She kept saying we both needed a fresh start. I refused. This is my dad's legacy, and I couldn't just let it go like that without a fight. Anyway, I knew it wouldn't be worth much, even if we could have found a buyer, which was unlikely. Eventually we agreed to disagree, and I bought her share of the business with the money I had left."
He paused, and Jack just nodded again, waiting for him to continue. "But the business isn't doing very well. I'm barely hanging on, if I'm honest about it. I'm only just managing to cover the rent and overheads here, plus the rent and utilities on my flat, along with my basic living expenses. But there's nothing left over, and some weeks I'm having to dip into the little bit of savings I've got left just to make ends meet. I can't afford meals out or… well, anything, really. Even paying for lunch and entry to the castle on Sunday was more than I could afford."
"I could have paid for that," Jack interjected. "I wouldn't have minded."
"But you paid for dinner the night before," Ianto argued. "I had to reciprocate somehow. Anyway, that's beside the point. I can't have you paying each time we do something together."
Jack shrugged. "I can afford it, and I really don't mind."
"But I do!" Ianto said sharply, his frustration with the situation getting the better of him. "I'm not a charity case, Jack."
Jack blinked, looking surprised, and Ianto immediately regretted his outburst. "I'm sorry, Ianto. I didn't mean it like that. Of course you're not. And I really am sorry about your situation. If there's anything I can do to help, I'll gladly do it. But I'm not sure what the answer is as far as we're concerned… are you saying we can't do things together?"
"No, I'm not saying that," Ianto replied with a sigh. "It's just that you want to go to a nice and probably expensive restaurant... which sounds lovely, but then next time… assuming there is a next time… it will be my turn, and I won't be able to afford to pay for it."
"We don't have to go to a restaurant if you don't want to," Jack said slowly. "I just thought it would be nice to get dressed up and have a night out together. I know it sounds stupid, but I was kind of looking forward to showing you off and having people see us together in the suits you made."
Ianto couldn't help but smile a little at Jack's vanity. "It would be nice," he admittedly, realising that he probably seemed ungrateful when all Jack wanted was for them to share a nice evening together.
Jack's expression became earnest. "I wanted to have a proper date so that you knew I was serious about us. But the important thing is that we get to spend time together. That doesn't have to cost anything. Although I'd like to be able to treat you at least occasionally."
Ianto shook his head miserably. "I'm sorry, Jack. I hate this… I hate feeling like…"
"Like what?" Jack asked gently.
Ianto sighed heavily. "Like I'm not good enough for you."
Jack looked shocked, and Ianto lowered his eyes in embarrassment. He hadn't meant to say that. He didn't want Jack to think he was so insecure.
There was a sound of movement and then Jack was sitting directly in front of him, their knees touching. Jack reached forward and wrapped Ianto's hands in his own. "Listen to me, Ianto. That's not true. I don't want you to ever think that. Anyone with any sense at all would be proud and damn lucky to have you as their friend, boyfriend, partner, whatever. You're more than good enough for anyone."
"Do you mean that?" Ianto murmured, wishing that he could believe Jack's words.
"Of course I do," Jack said insistently. "I'd never joke or lie about something like that."
Ianto just nodded slightly as he stared down at their joined hands.
"We're just at different points in our lives, that's all," Jack continued. "There's nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. When I was your age, I was struggling to get myself through university. My family didn't have much money, and anyway, I was determined to do it on my own." He paused, and his voice took on an edge of sadness. "All of these things that you see as obstacles... none of them matter to me."
Jack paused again, and as Ianto finally looked up to meet his eyes, he thought he could see a flicker of hurt. "Do you really think I'm that shallow?"
"No, Jack, of course I don't," Ianto replied vehemently, appalled that Jack could think such a thing, but also knowing that, given his doubts, there was an element of truth to it.
Jack looked thoughtful and squeezed Ianto's hand again. "All right. So, how about a compromise?"
"What do you mean?" Ianto asked warily.
"We go out for dinner this week like we planned. I'll find somewhere nice that isn't too expensive. And next week, you can invite me over to your place and cook dinner for us? Even if its just eggs on toast, it doesn't matter."
"I think I can manage a bit better than that," Ianto said with a wry smile despite himself. "But my flat isn't much, especially compared to yours."
"I don't care about that. I'd still like to see where you live." Jack looked at him intently. "So, what do you think?"
Ianto nodded slowly in agreement. "As long as you let me pay my way when we go to the castle on Sunday? If we're still going that is."
"Of course we are. I'm looking forward to it." Jack smiled, and releasing Ianto's hands, he patted his knee. "Okay, it's a deal."
"Thanks, Jack," Ianto said quietly.
He didn't think it seemed like much of a compromise, but at least they'd talked about it. He'd just have to learn to swallow his pride a bit and hope that Jack would be understanding when the issue came up again, as it inevitably would.
"Is there anything I can do to help with everything else?" Jack asked as he shifted his chair back and picked up his cup again.
"Not that I can think of," Ianto replied. "Unless you want to order a dozen or so more suits?" he joked, forcing a tight smile.
Jack chuckled. "I'd need a separate flat to store them all in."
Ianto managed to maintain his smile for a moment but then became serious again. "I suppose I've been deluding myself... hoping that things would get better. But the way things are going, I might be homeless and unemployed in a few months time."
Jack shook his head. "It's not going to come to that, Ianto."
"I hope not," Ianto said, not able to shake the feeling that he'd been putting off the inevitable. He was starting to realise that despite his determination, the time where he would be forced to make an impossible and heart-breaking decision was rapidly approaching.
Ianto noticed that Jack was looking at him curiously and he wondered what the older man was thinking about. "What is it, Jack?"
"Can I ask you something?"
There was something in Jack's tone that suggested Ianto wasn't going to like what he was about to hear, but he nodded anyway. "Go ahead."
"There's no denying that you're very skilled and talented," Jack said slowly as if he was carefully choosing his words. "I'm wondering though… all of this… is it really your dream? Is this what you want to do with your life? If it is, that's great, and you should fight like hell to hold onto it. But if it's not…" Jack trailed off, looking reluctant to continue.
Ianto felt his defenses rise. Jack had only known him for a couple of weeks and was in no position to judge his choices. Jack couldn't possibly understand how important it was to him to honour his father by keeping the business going. Other than their family, the tailoring business had been his father's life.
He glared at Jack, ready to unleash an angry retort, but Jack was looking back at him with nothing but fondness and concern, and his ire vanished as quickly as it had taken hold. The strange reality was that in the brief time they'd known each other, Jack had learned more about him than anyone else ever had before. Jack was the first person he'd been able to open up to, and despite everything he'd discovered, Jack didn't seem to be running for the hills, even though Ianto thought he'd given him plenty of reason to do so.
Ianto sighed deeply. "I don't know. I thought it was. I thought about going to university too. I wanted to study literature and history. But I wanted to work here with my dad. For a while I thought maybe I could have done both." He shook his head despondently. "Now he's gone and nothing's the same... perhaps my heart isn't really in it anymore."
"You're young, Ianto." Jack looked at him steadily. "You've got your whole life ahead of you. You can probably achieve anything you set your mind to. And from what you've told me, your father was a good man… I'm sure he loved you very much." Jack gave him a small, sad smile. "Above everything else, wouldn't he have wanted you to be happy?"
Ianto nodded, not trusting himself to speak. It wasn't as simple as that, and whatever happened, he still had to support himself. Without money or a family to lean on, his options seemed rather limited. However, Jack was right in saying that his father would have wanted him to be happy. He wondered if perhaps he'd lost sight of that amidst his grief and desperate desire to honour his father's memory.
He was surprised when a moment later he was tugged to his feet, pulled against Jack's chest, and enveloped in a strong embrace. Soft lips pressed gently against his temple, and resting his chin on Jack's shoulder with their cheeks pressed together, Ianto held onto the older man unashamedly.
He closed his eyes as his confused thoughts drifted, and he gave himself into the moment, enjoying the comforting warmth of Jack's body pressed against his own.
