Chapter Seven

July 2000

Joey felt numb as she watched her mother's body being taken away. She was vaguely aware of Charlie's arms around her shoulders, physically holding her up. Brett stood nearby, barely moving. Her father spoke to the officials. Elsie perched on the sofa, not knowing what to do with herself. Ruby was abnormally quiet, picking up on the mood and realising it was time to be good and still. When Paul had shut the door, he stared at everyone around him. Nobody knew what to do.

"Shall I make some tea?" Brett asked.

"No," Paul said.

He turned to Elsie.

"This is family time now," he said. "You need to go."

Everyone looked stunned. Elsie had supported Clara through her illness even more than Paul had.

"Dad…" Brett ventured.

"This is a private time of mourning," Paul said firmly.

Silently, Elsie got to her feet. She gathered Ruby to her and gestured for Charlie to follow. Charlie guided Joey into a chair first and then followed her mother out of the house. Paul closed the door behind them and then locked it. It was the first time the door had been locked in years.

"Dad, they are family," Brett said.

"Not anymore," Paul said.

"Yes, they are!" Joey suddenly shrieked. "Mum would hate it if she knew you'd just thrown them out!"

"Well your Mum's not here, is she?" Paul yelled.

He glared at his daughter, who looked far too similar to his wife. They had the same hair and eyes. When she grew up, she was going to be the image of her. Father and daughter were never going to bond. Joey dissolved into tears and ran up to her bedroom.


The following day, Elsie dared to go back round to the house. She knocked politely and Paul opened up. He looked like he had been drinking. He was unwashed and unshaven.

"I'm just here to say that Clara told me there are things we need to see in the top drawer of her beside table," she said.

He nodded and she turned to go.

"You were closer to her than I was," he said.

She turned back to him.

"You need to help me organise the funeral and everything. She deserves a better send off."

She tried to smile. He let her inside.


Joey still felt numb. She'd escaped the confines of her room as early as she could and knocked for Charlie who had convinced her Dad to let her take her for a drive. Still wandering aimlessly in the car, the girls listened to the stereo, comforted by each other's presence.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Charlie asked.

"I don't know what to say," Joey admitted.

Charlie reached her hand out to cover Joey's. Joey accepted the touch and closed her eyes, glad to have Charlie's friendship.


Brett sat on the beach with Robbo. They'd hit the bottle shop first thing and bought a couple of six packs. Now they had nearly finished them and Brett was happily forgetting about the world. He lay back on the sand and dripped the last of his bottle into his mouth.

"We need more beer!" he declared, slurring his word.

"I'm on it," Robbo said, struggling to his feet. "Do not go anywhere!"

He wobbled off.


Elsie and Paul sat on the sofa and rifled through the envelopes that Clara had left. There seemed to be one for everyone – Paul, Elsie, Joey, Brett, Charlie, Ruby and Ross. There were also some instructions for certain things she wanted to happen at her funeral, including the fact that nobody was allowed to wear black. Elsie chuckled.

"That sounds about right," she said.

"Yeah," Paul agreed.

They both clutched their letters tightly, wanting to open them in private.

"I'll give the kids their letters when they get home," Paul said.

"Yeah, I'll take Ross, Charlie and Ruby's home with me. I can read Ruby's to her. I doubt she'll understand really but she can keep it and read it when she's older. I never want her to forget who Clara was," Elsie told him.

He sighed and shook his head.

"I'd better go. I'll start with the flowers and everything," Elsie said.

"Yeah, I'll speak to the priest."

"Yeah."

Elsie saw herself out. Heaving himself back against the couch cushions, Paul twirled his letter around his fingers, wondering what parting words his wife had for him. It felt strange that she had left him something really. They had never had much to say to each other in life. Sitting forward again, he opened it up.

Dear Paul,

If you're reading this letter then the time has come for me to say goodbye. I know that you and I didn't talk much. I know we didn't have the wildest romance but in our own way, I know we cared for each other. You were my first and my only and I'm proud to say that we brought two amazing kids into the world. I feel so sad that we won't be spending longer bringing them up together and I ask you now to take good care of them, especially Joey. She pretends that she doesn't need anyone but she's so young and so vulnerable and she needs you more than she admits. Take care of her and Brett and please take care of yourself, Paul. You're a good man and I thank you for everything.

All my love,

Clara xxx

Paul sighed, unsure about how he felt about the letter. Aside from how she had sighed off, Clara had not mentioned loving him even once. Had she loved him? She'd cared about him; he knew that. But had it been love? Had he even loved her? They had existed together harmoniously enough. He worked, she looked after the house, they raised the kids in an equal partnership and their love making was pleasant enough. He'd looked elsewhere often but she hadn't really minded. He didn't recall a single argument between them. There had never been enough heat for that. Their relationship had been peaceful. Nothing more, nothing less.


When Elsie got in, she fell into Ross's arms. For a man usually so distant, he had been a tower of strength throughout Clara's illness. Before she could stop herself, she broke down, heaving sobs wracking her body. Ross held her tightly, letting her use his body for support. Ruby stared at her parents from the armchair. Ross slowly guided Elsie to a seat. She lay the envelopes on her lap.

"She left letters for everyone," Elsie sniffed, handing one to Ross.

He accepted it, touched that there was one for him. She turned to Ruby, putting the others aside and crawling over to her daughter. Ross stood and headed out into the back garden to read his letter and give his wife and daughter some space.

"Ruby," Elsie said.

Ruby gave her mother her undivided attention.

"You know that Auntie Clara has gone to Heaven now?" Elsie ventured.

Ruby nodded. She was still grappling with the concept but she thought she understood.

"Well, before she went there, she wrote you a little letter. Would you like me to read it to you?"

Ruby nodded again. Elise opened the letter and took a deep breath.

Dearest Baby Ruby,

You are the sweetest little girl in the world and I love you so much. I have enjoyed spending every day with you but I have to go to Heaven now. One day, I will get to see you again and I'm really looking forward to that but until then, I know that you're going to grow up into a beautiful, young woman and you're going to make your Mummy and Daddy so proud. And I'm going to be so proud of you too. You're already so beautiful, Ruby. You're so beautiful and funny and bright. You're going to have such a wonderful life and you're going to fulfil all of your dreams. This letter probably won't mean much to you now but I hope that you will keep it in a safe place and when you're older you might find it again and remember me as someone who helped raise you and who loved you so very much.

All my love forever,

Auntie Clara xxx

Elsie was tearful by the time she finished the letter. Ruby stared at her, as if transfixed. She didn't really understand the letter but she knew it was somehow important, and she knew everyone was sad at the moment. She opened up her arms to cuddle her mother.

"Is Auntie Clara happy in Heaven?" she asked.

"Yes," Elsie said certainly. "She is."

Ruby clung on.


Outside, Ross took in the cool breeze of the day. He opened his letter. It was short and simple.

Dear Ross,

Thank you for being part of my life and for making my best friend so happy. Please continue to take care of your family and in death, please may I take the liberty of asking you to spend more time with Charlie? She's craving your attention. I know how much you love her. She needs to know it too. Thank you again for everything you've always done for me and my family. You really are such a kind and generous man. I feel blessed to have known you and to have had you in my life.

Love Clara xxx

He sighed and stared at the world around him. Did Charlie really feel unloved? If Clara cared enough to have mentioned it in her goodbye note then she must do. Nodding to himself, he decided that he was going to spend more time with his eldest daughter from now on. She had to know that he loved her. Maybe he hadn't devoted the time to her that he should have. And he definitely devoted more time to Ruby than Charlie. But all of that was going to change.

"Thank you, Clara," he said aloud.


After far too many beers, Brett threw up and passed out. Robbo's new mobile phone rang.

He was one of the first young people in town to get one.

"Tanya?" he slurred into it. "Sure I'll come over!"

He got up and left Brett on the beach.


Charlie and Joey arrived back. Climbing out of the car, they hugged each other goodbye.

"Are you going to be alright?" Charlie asked.

Joey nodded.

"Call me if you need me, okay?"

"I will," Joey promised.

They parted ways. Charlie headed into her own house, still looking over her shoulder at Joey as she did so. Not looking where she was going, she walked straight into her father.

"Oh! Sorry, Dad!"

He hugged her. Stunned, she just stared at him.

"I do love you, Charlie. You know that, right?"

"I love you too," she said, still a little shocked.

She smiled at him. He hugged her again and then sent her into the living room to her mother.

"Mum?" Charlie said softly.

Elsie looked up. She had obviously been crying. Ruby was curled up asleep in the armchair.

"Hey, sweetheart," Elsie said. "How was your day?"

"It was alright," Charlie said. "She's hurting. We just drove around."

Elsie nodded.

"Clara left everyone a goodbye letter," she said. "Here's yours."

She handed Charlie a white envelope.

"Do you mind if I read it upstairs?" Charlie asked.

"Read it wherever you like, sweetheart," Elsie told her daughter.

Charlie accepted the envelope and disappeared.


When Joey got home, her father was attempting to cook. He didn't know one end of the kitchen from the other so had located the freezer and was pulling out a handful of frozen meals that Elsie had left for him to defrost during the many months that Clara had been ill. For the last couple of months or so, they had been surviving on a vague system of Joey or Elsie cooking, Paul making his one signature dish, take away or Elsie's emergency food. Tonight was obviously the latter.

"Hi, Dad," she said quietly.

"Hey. Did you have fun?"

It seemed like a ridiculous question to both of them, hanging in the air, creating a gulf. Of course she didn't have fun. Her mother was dead. She felt like she would never have fun again.

"Charlie took me for a drive," she said.

He nodded.

"Where's Brett?"

"Haven't seen him all day," Paul shrugged. "There's a letter for you on the table in the lounge."

Joey headed towards it curiously. There wasn't any mail on Sundays. She stopped in her tracks when she recognised her mother's handwriting. It was typical of her father not to warn her who the letter was from. He'd made it sound like it was junk mail or something. She quietly took the envelope and headed to her bedroom, closing the door behind her.


On the beach, Brett rolled over, fast asleep, blotting out a world full of pain and sadness and the loss of the only woman who had ever loved him.


Charlie sat at her desk chair and looked out of her window, wondering if Joey had opened her letter yet. She hoped her friend was alright. She looked down at the piece of paper lying on top of the desk, trying to read in between the lines and decipher if there was anything there.

Dearest Charlie,

I've known you since before you were even born. I was there when you kicked for the first time inside your mother's womb. She was so excited. You kicked at five minute intervals after that while we were at lunch and every single time, your Mum grabbed my hand and made me feel you. It took me an hour to eat my salad. You always felt like my little girl too in a way, because I've been around for so much of your life. I hope that's okay with you. It's been such a blessing you watch you transform into the beautiful young woman you've become. I've always been so looking forward to watching you get older, seeing you become the police officer you declared you were going to be that evening at dinner, surprising us all. I know you'll get there, Charlie. You can do anything you put your mind to.

One of the most special things I've witnessed in you is your heart and that is never stronger than when I see you with my darling daughter, Joey. From the moment I told you she was going to arrive in the world, you loved her. I remember you being fascinated when I was pregnant. You used to rest your head against my tummy and talk to her and you were so good with her when she was a tiny baby, even though you were so small yourself. It was like you and she were destined to be friends, just like your mother and I. I've watched you together, Charlie and I know how much you love each other. It's uplifting to see the connection between you. Joey is never happier than when she is around you. She deserves that. You both do. If I can give you any parting wisdom from my life, Charlie, it's to always be honest about who you are and how you feel.

I love you as if you were my own. You have brought joy to my life and I thank you so much for that. All I ask of you now is that you take care of my Joey. Keep her safe for me, Charlie, now that I'm not around to do that. Be a listening ear for her, protect her, keep her out of trouble and make sure she isn't lonely. Love her and cherish her and remind her every day just how special she is.

All my love forever,

Aunt Clara xxx

The letter was something Charlie would cherish and in it were instructions she wanted to follow to the letter. She would cherish Joey and she would let her know just how special she was. Charlie desperately wanted to keep her safe. She continued to gaze out of the window.


In her bedroom, Joey continued to look at the envelope. It remained unopened. She put it away in her drawer.

Later that night, Brett woke up feeling stiff and sore. He cried out in pain. He had a headache and his skin felt tight. Stumbling to his feet, he just about managed to get home. Bursting through the front door, his knocked a chair over and fell to the floor. His whole body hurt.


Upstairs, Joey bolted awake and leapt out of bed. Before she could reason herself out of it, she was creeping down the stairs. She poked her head round the kitchen door and flipped the light on. Brett was in a heap on the floor.

"Brett!" she cried. "What the hell are you doing?"

He looked up at her. His face was bright red with sunburn.

"I fell asleep on the beach," he muttered.

She sighed, not sure how to feel about the complete state he was in.

"Go up to bed," she finally said. "Pray that you only woke me and not Dad and I'll try and find you some aftersun or something."

He slowly got to his feet and headed out of the room, wincing the entire time. She turned the light off and followed.


The next morning, Brett looked even more blotchy, red and sore than he had when Joey had seen him the night before. He was also severely hungover. She felt sorry for him. On a normal day, she would have found the whole thing hilarious and teased him mercilessly. But this wasn't a normal day. This was two days after their mother, the glue that kept the family together, had slipped away from them, never to return. Joey had directed her brother to the letter their mother had left for him in a far more sensitive manner than her father had directed her to hers. He sat down heavily at the table and opened it there and then. Joey was surprised. She left him in peace and headed over to see Charlie.

"Hi, Aunt Elsie," she said, trying to sound cheerful.

Elsie didn't look like she was fairing any better than Joey was.

"Hi, sweetheart," she said.

"How are you?"

"How are you?" Elsie asked, without answering the same question.

Joey just smiled weakly.

"Charlie's in her room."

Joey headed on up. She found Charlie lying on her bed reading. She peered over her book when she caught Joey hovering in the doorway. Putting it down, she opened her arms. Joey crawled onto the bed and lay with her head resting on Charlie's shoulder. She sighed heavily, finally feeling safe again, having been away from her since the day before.


Brett sat at the table, reading the letter from his mother.

Dearest Brett,

My boy. My first born son. Words cannot express how much you mean to me. I know it stopped being 'cool' a long time ago to express love to your mother but you never really cared and for that it always made me feel special. The way that you have devoted your time and energy to looking after me since I was diagnosed has gone above and beyond the call of duty. It shows a depth a love, care and compassion that would make any mother proud.

You were always such a funny, entertaining boy. You never failed to make me laugh, make me happy. The moment I looked into your baby blue eyes at the hospital, I knew having you was the best decision I could ever have made. And now you've grown up into a wonderful man. You're handsome and strong and capable, you have a good work ethic and I know you're going to make a good husband one day to a wonderful woman.

Look out for your Dad and your sister now that I'm gone. I know your Dad is 'the man of the house' but you're better at communication and you need to keep the three of you together. Don't let Joey wander off on a tangent. Keep her close and keep her safe. And please don't let our family lose connection with Elsie and her clan. I know your Dad will want to distance himself. Don't let him. Keep close. Stay connected. Elsie, Ross, Charlie and Ruby are as much a part of your family as your blood kin. It's just a different kind of connection.

I trust you and I love you so much.

Mum xxx


"Did you get a letter?" Joey asked.

She was still curled into Charlie's embrace, looking up at the glow in the dark stars that she and Charlie had painstakingly spent hours designing into constellations on her ceiling.

"Yeah, I did."

"Did you read it yet?"

"Yes, I read it last night."

It seemed like a strange question. Why wouldn't she have read it?

"I put mine in my drawer," Joey said. "I can't open it."

"Why not?" Charlie asked.

"If I read it, it means she's really gone."

Charlie sighed and held her friend a little closer, stroking her arm.

"Maybe I'll try after the… the thing?" Joey said, more to herself than Charlie.

"Maybe that'll help," Charlie agreed.

"Would you sit next to me at the… the place?" Joey asked.

"If you want me to," Charlie said. "If I'm allowed."

Joey felt unwelcome tears begin to fall. They landed on Charlie's neck. Charlie didn't care about getting wet; she just wished she could heal her friend's hurt.


The night before the funeral, Elsie finally opened her letter. Like Joey, she had been struggling with her final goodbye, the final words from her soul mate.

Elsie,

This is one of the three hardest letters I have had to write. What do I say to the woman who means so much to me? We have lived, laughed, loved, cried, sighed and now died together. I know I'm going to die in your arms. I don't know how I know this but I do. I'm risking looking foolish by writing that, I hope you know. I just feel it in my heart that this is how it's going to happen.

We never really talked in detail about how we really felt and when we felt it, did we? I guess I'll never know about you but I'd like to tell you my feelings now, while you can't answer back. The first time I met you, when we were just eleven years old, I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. I wondered if we could even be friends because I assumed I'd be jealous of you. But then you were so nice as well that I could help but be drawn to you. All the while we were growing up, I found you intoxicating but I never consciously registered why. The first time I really understood the nature of how I felt about you was on my hen night. We were at the club and I saw you out of the corner of my eye. You were laughing, sipping your drink from a straw and brushing your hair out of your eyes. It was the simplest thing but suddenly everything clicked into place. I knew I loved you.

You noticed how strange I was for the rest of the night because you kept commenting on it. You thought it was just nerves and yes, I was nervous about marrying Paul but only because I suddenly realised that I was doing the wrong thing. I didn't want to marry him. I wanted to run off with you! I hadn't really wanted to marry him in the first place. I married him because I was pregnant. That was no secret. I knew I loved you but it was already too late. We've already talked about not regretting our marriages because to regret them would be to regret our children. Brett, Joey, Charlie and Ruby… well, they're our worlds and neither of us could ever have lived without them. But I've felt grief every day that I've never known you the way I've wanted to. The two kisses we've shared have meant more to me than I could ever tell you. It felt like we were fusing our souls.

Elsie, you to me are the most beautiful woman that has ever graced this earth. I may not have been allowed to share my life with you in the traditional sense. I may not have been able to love you like I wanted to. Loving you like I did in my heart, soul and mind may even have been wrong but I can't feel like it is. That you loved me at all, means everything to me. It makes me feel honoured.

I have loved you since I met you and I will love you beyond my last breath.

Clara xxx

Elsie cried herself to sleep that night, curled away from Ross, with the letter tucked under her pillow. How could she have lost her best friend? How could Clara have slipped away like that, right there in her arms? Clara had known she was going to die that day. It made sense now. That was why she had asked her to open the curtains. She hadn't wanted to fall asleep in the dark. It was why she had invited Elsie to curl up beside her on the bed.


The funeral had been small, respectful and meaningful. Charlie had sought permission from Paul and sat beside Joey at the church. She'd held the younger girl's hand throughout the service, comforting her as she's cried. At the reception, the family had reminded each other of amusing times in Clara's life. It felt like the right way to say goodbye. While the guests were still downstairs, Joey asked Charlie to go upstairs.

"I can't read it," she said, handing Charlie the letter. "Would you read it to me?"

"Are you sure?" Charlie asked uncertainly. "I don't want to intrude on something between you and your Mum."

"There's very little I wouldn't share with you," Joey said.

Charlie nodded and carefully opened the envelope. She began to read.

My Darling Joey,

It doesn't matter how old you get, you will always be my baby girl. And when you have children of your own, you'll understand exactly what I mean. Joey, I need you to know how proud I am of you for how brave you are and how well you have coped with what has happened. You have been so good to me, and to your Dad and your brother, looking after everyone and keeping us sane. I say you're my baby but sometimes I forget that you're only fourteen. Sometimes you seem so grown up by the way you behave and the way you think about things. I think you have a lot more wisdom than you should. I'm not sure where you inherited that from!

You were such a beautiful baby and such a happy one too. You were always smiling and laughing. You never fussed and always went with the flow. So easy to please and happy to get along with people. From that, you've flourished into a lovely girl. You're beautiful, Joey, inside and outside. And I know that's only going to grow. I'm so sorry that I can't be around to see you grow up anymore but Elsie has promised that she will be around for any questions or advice or support you may need later on in life. Please don't think you don't have a female figure in life to look up to anymore. You still have her and she loves you so much. Her involvement in your life won't change.

I love you so much, Joey. I know that you're going to go on and make a success of whatever you choose to do with your life. I wish I could have been around to see it. I hope that whatever is waiting for me, I will have an opportunity to know from there, what you choose to do. I'm certain that you'll grow up to fall in love and be so happy. Pursue all your dreams, Joey. Don't be afraid of them, whatever they are. Be true to yourself, never ashamed or fearful. Don't hide or confine yourself to who people say you ought to be. Be who you are. And love who you are.

I love who you are. You're my perfect Joey.

Always yours,

Mum xxx