I was pulled away into a make-up trailer with Josh, where two women began to apply make up to our faces and did our hair.
Mine was pulled back out of my face, a high ponytail on the back of my head, while Josh's hair was pushed back and a bit of gel was added.
I chuckled lightly and looked at him through the mirror. "Your hair looks so sexy pushed back," I said, quoting one of my favorite movies, and tensed up when I realized what I'd said. Josh simply gave me a barely-there smile, his eyes not meeting mine, before I allowed my body to loosen up a bit and my gaze returned to my own reflection in the mirror.
So we sat there in silence, nothing but the radio playing in the background, and waited for the stylists to finish working on us so that we could get filming over with.
This went on for the next week and a half. We'd wake up, get ready to film, film our scenes for the day, and return to our trailers or leave set for a while before turning in for the day. The only time Josh and I interacted with each other was during filming, or when we desperately needed something from the other.
When I wasn't texting or on call with Jamie, talking about how much we missed each other and already planning for him to come see me in a few days when he finished filming his movie, I was lounging around my trailer with Pippi and watching crappy Lifetime movies on TV. The only times I left my trailer was to film and to walk Pip. My body longed for Josh's touch and my ears for his amazing laugh. The loneliness that I felt was indescribable and I had no one but myself to blame for it.
Lying wide awake in my bed, I turned my head to look at the clock next to my bedside table. 1:52 AM. The blue numbers burnt my eyes in the dark room, and I pressed the palms of my hands against them.
Outside I could hear something with four legs softly pad across the gravel: probably Driver. The Los Angeles nightlife was booming right now. I could hear the faint music of a club nearby, people and occasional cars passing on the street. A breeze of cool air came through the window, lightly tickling my skin, and frogs and insects competed in being the loudest. Although nothing could beat the roar of what was my mind at that moment.
How the fuck was I going to keep Jamie in my trailer in a couple of days, while Josh was in the one next to mine? How could I sleep next to my fiancé while craving the touch of my best friend?
'There is nothing in your fucking power that you can do to change it, Jennifer! Admit that you love him! Stop blocking him out of your life!' Cried a voice at the back of my head, overpowering all the other ones.
"Fuck!" I hissed into the dark, kicking my legs up in frustration and letting them bounce back onto the soft mattress of my bed. Keeping away from Josh wasn't making it any better. If anything, this past week had done nothing but made it worse. Many nights, just like tonight, did I find myself lying awake, listening to the sounds outside and thinking of him. I'd imagine all the dirty things he would do to me if I stopped being a little bitch and owned up to my feelings for him, and shortly after those thoughts I would hate myself and end up crying over it.
'Not tonight,' I thought, before pushing myself up off the bed and slipping into my flip flops. Exiting my trailer in just my shorts and a tank top, I stumbled up the metal stairs of Josh's trailer and softly tapped my knuckles against his door. Part of me hoped that he wouldn't open, while the other part hoped that he would greet me with a big hug that I'd been craving for so long.
My heart was in my throat when the door slowly creaked open, and Josh stood in front of me. He wore dark grey sweatpants, and his torso was completely bare. Looking up at him, I felt hot tears begin to well up in my eyes and before I could say anything to him they rolled down my cheeks. I didn't want to fucking cry. The last thing I wanted was for him to see how much I'd missed him.
"Can I come in or do you wanna sit outside?" I asked softly, trying my best to compose myself. Josh hesitated for a moment, before opening the door completely so that I could enter.
Inside the trailer, I noticed how messy it was. Empty cans and bottles stood around everywhere, his blankets were piled up at the foot of his bed, empty Kit-Kat wrappers on his bedside table and a pizza box on the dinner table. Judging by the complete chaos in here, I figured that Josh wasn't leaving his trailer much. Perhaps he was dealing with this distance just as badly as I was. I awkwardly sat down on the edge of his bed, pulling my knees up under my chin and hugging them. Josh sat down on the other side of the bed and faced me. Together we sat in silence. The only sound that filled the room was the TV playing in the bedroom part of the trailer.
Still resting my head on my knees, I turned to look at Josh to find him staring at me. My heart fluttered.
"Josh..." I started, trying to find the correct words. "I'm so sorry, I... I didn't know what to do, I was feeling so confused and upset I figured the best way to get rid of the buzzing in my mind was to keep distance but it made everything worse."
I looked up at him, noticing a confused expression on his face.
"I still don't understand why you're doing this," Josh scoffed lightly. "Was it because of what happened last week?"
My fingers picked at the chipped off nail polish on my fingernails. Josh didn't know that I was on an emotional rollercoaster because I was in love with him, and there was no way that I could tell him about it. It would only complicate things even more. Nodding at his question, I shrugged my shoulders.
"I didn't think it was fair of me to keep secrets from you. I don't know, when it comes to shit like this I'm a pussy. I flee from conflicts." As I answered him, I couldn't lift my eyes to meet his hazel ones. That was one thing I couldn't do; lie to him while looking him in the eye. It made me feel guilty as fuck, and I was feeling enough of that already.
"You're such an idiot, Jen." Josh laughed lightly while shaking his head. "There was no conflict. I wasn't mad at you or upset with you. There was no reason to flee from anything. If anything, I'm really fucking happy for you."
Relieved, I let out a loud sigh and finally looked up at him, a small smile playing at the corners of my lips. "Thank god," I turned on the bed to face him, laying my legs out on the bed so that my toes were touching his knees. "You know, Woody was the one who brought me to my senses. He called me the other day and told me to get my shit together and talk to you."
A chuckle escaped Josh's lips as he reached for my feet and began to massage them. "Sounds like Woody," his fingers kneaded my feet, working my sole and arches before moving to my toes and taking each one to massage it slowly. First the top of them, and then firmly pressing against the base of my toes. I could feel myself relaxing with every press of his finger, leaning back on my hands and letting my head fall back as his hands worked up my ankles and to my calves.
"Is this the massage you still owe me because I kicked your ass at karaoke?" I wondered as I let myself fall onto my back, by head hanging off the edge of the bed, and allowed Josh full access to my legs. His touch made me feel weak and fuzzy inside. Although I knew exactly why I was feeling this way, I let him work his magic on my legs and tried to shove those thoughts aside. Like that loud voice in my head said: there was nothing I could do to make those damn feelings go away. Perhaps they'd fade with time, but today was not that day.
A chuckled escaped Josh's lips as his fingertips trailed back down to my feet. "I suppose it is," he said, lightly brushing his fingers over the bottoms of my feet to make me giggle. I attempted to pull them away, however he was too quick and tightly held onto my ankles. "Want me to do your back as well?"
Shivers ran through my body at the thought of him sitting on top of me, rubbing the sore muscles in my back, and I hesitantly nodded my head before rolling onto my stomach. Josh handed me one of his pillows for me to put my head on so that I wouldn't be as uncomfortable. I felt him climb onto my legs, sitting just below my butt, and he lifted up my shirt before his warm, big hand began to knead my shoulders simultaneously, causing me to melt beneath him. His fingers dug into my muscles and released all the tension that had been building up these past two weeks. I felt as if every single one of my worries flew out the open window and crossed the hills of Hollywood, only to never be seen or heard of again.
Josh's hands worked over to the base of my neck, where I was feeling most of the tension, and used circular motions to work away the tense muscles. He used the palms of his hands to work down my back, from the inside to the outside, and I let out a little content moan to show him how good his hands felt on my back.
When Josh finally removed his hands from my back, I was nearly asleep. The empty feeling on my back was the only thing that pulled me back to reality, and I rolled over as Josh climbed off of me and laid next to me. Together, we laid there in silence, the only sound coming from the TV and the clock on his nightstand that read 2:15 AM and I turned my head to look at Josh, only to find him already staring at me.
"What are you thinking about?" I questioned him, my voice barely above a whisper. My eyes were fixed on his dark hazel ones and I couldn't help but think about how pretty they were to me.
"The beach." He finally answered, and I gave him a confused look.
"The beach? Why the beach?"
There was a flicker of something in his eyes that I couldn't quite identify, and he licked his lips before he answered my question.
"Our kiss on the beach in Hawaii when we filmed Catching Fire," a lump formed in my throat and I froze as he spoke. "I remember it like it was just yesterday, it's so fucking clear in my mind." His hands flew up to his head and he brushed them through his messy hair.
I didn't know what to say to him. For once in my life, I was speechless. All I could do was lie next to him and stare back into his dark eyes that I adored so much, and wait for him to continue the conversation. I was afraid to move. I was afraid to breathe.
"I don't want it to be this clear," Josh said after a moment of silence, his face turning upwards to face the ceiling. "Don't get me wrong, it's one of my favourite memories and the best fucking kiss I've ever shared with anyone, but I feel so bad for thinking about it all the time, now that you're engaged and all." He turned to look at me again, his eyes studying mine carefully as if he was trying to figure out what I would say.
But there was nothing I had to say. Nothing I could say, because I felt like if I spoke a single fucking word, I would say the wrong thing or break into tears. So I stayed quiet and kept staring at him as he propped himself up on one elbow, his eyes still fixed on me. I could feel the tension between us as his face began to inch closer with every passing second, and nothing within me wanted to stop it.
My mind was screaming at my body, telling it to move out of the way, to dodge his lips, but by the time my limbs could react his lips were connected to mine and his hand flew up to cradle my cheek. The voice in my head that screamed how wrong this was went silent at once and I leaned into the kiss, my hand on the back of his neck as our lips danced together. He placed his other hand on my hip as he climbed on top of me, hovering over me in an attempt to not crush me with his weight as he gently squeezed my hip.
At this moment, nothing else in the world mattered. There was nothing in the world that could break this kiss right now.
Josh's tongue flicked lightly against my lips, and I parted them slightly so that our tongues could dance just like our lips did. He let out audible groans to let me know how much he was enjoying this, and I could feel a noticeable bulge grow between his legs and press against my thigh. A heat began to raise inside of me, causing my cheeks to turn a red colour, and that's when I realised that I needed to put an end to this.
I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away just enough to part our lips, and turned my head to the side, pursing my lips slightly as Josh still hovered over me. I could feel him staring at me and I covered my face with my hand in shame. He climbed off me and sat down next to me on the bed.
"I've been wanting to do that for fucking ages," Josh breathed, but I could only stare at him in terror as I sat up. "You know that stuff we were talking about the other day? That wasn't the truth, Jen. Those feelings never went away. I-"
"Josh, this isn't right…" I interrupted him before he could say the three words that I feared the most. That I feared coming out of his mouth in more than an 'I love you as my best friend' way.
Josh scooted closer to me on the bed, wearing that puppy dog expression on his face that I could never say no to. He placed his hand on my knee and I was hesitant to pull away, but something kept me frozen in place. My mind was racing by now, telling me how big of a fuck up I was and that Jamie would be completely destroyed if he found out what had just happened. Part of me wanted to run while another part of me found his touch oddly satisfying.
Our eyes met, and I could see the hint of sadness and loneliness in them. Not for a second did I doubt that mine looked the same.
"Just stay with me," he breathed, his voice barely audible. "Just for one night, Jen. We don't have to kiss or do anything you don't want to. I just need you here right now." His fingers found mine and he squeezed them gently. "I miss those nights in Hawaii, and all the nights after that. Just one night. That's all I'm asking for. I want you for one more night, and then Jamie can have you for the rest of your life if that's what you want. "
Suddenly I'm hurled back to those memories of Hawaii, and those nights that Josh and I spent together throughout the last 2 movies of the Hunger Games franchise. Back then, everyone had some kind of suspicion about Josh and I, our fans named us 'Joshifer', because the two of us could never keep our hands of each other. They weren't wrong about us being in love, but we were never really in an actual relationship. The feelings were there on both sides, but we figured that we shouldn't be making anything official and public.
Josh and I would spend every night together, not as much sleeping in a sexual way, but more in a 'I need you close' way. Both of us found it hard to sleep without the other after the kiss we shared at the beach in Hawaii, even though we promised that we would be nothing more than friends. And nothing more happened. We shared a bed at night, occasionally falling asleep in each other's arms while the sounds of the outside world lulled us to sleep.
And that was exactly what would happen tonight.
Nodding my head gently at Josh, I crawled towards the head of the bed and placed the pillow behind my back, leaning against it. Josh's puppy dog face turned into a happy puppy expression, and I couldn't help but smile back at him. His happiness was infectious.
Before crawling into bed with me, Josh switched off the Television that had been running since I entered the trailer, called Driver in for the night and threw the blankets back on the bed, so that we both wouldn't be freezing tonight. With one swift motion he jumped on the bed, causing me to bounce up and down on the mattress and making me giggle a little. Driver followed close behind Josh, curling up at our feet, and I scooted closer to Josh, sliding down into the lying position so that I could place my head on his shoulder.
When I felt his arm wrap around me, I felt safe and content. The feeling was stronger than it ever was when I was lying in bed with Jamie, and that was oddly satisfying, as much as I hated to admit it.
I snuggled up against him, an arm slung over his stomach and one leg over his, before pushing all my thoughts about Jamie to the back of my mind and focusing on the moment I was living in right now.
"Good-night, Jen," Josh breathed softly, before pressing his lips against the top of my head.
"Night," I whispered in return, and together we dozed off, the breathing of each other and the noises of the night sending us into a deep sleep.
