Debby darling don't do this to me, I won't break your heart again, I swear!

Zero Idea if all this is medically feasible.

Isn't this just terrific. You don't hear much after the first few sentences the doctor said. It all sounds like muffled, blurry noises to you now. You can feel a hand gripping yours tight, but you're ignoring that for now. The news you just received from the Specialist now was enough to zone you out.

It's a jumble of emotions. Rage, desperation, ache, and denial all rolled into one. You're sitting as still as you can in the uncomfortable chair with your feet flat on the ground and your mind totally elsewhere. The doctor could have recited the whole Bible after the first few sentences and you wouldn't have noticed at all.

Oddly enough - the first thought that strikes you is this - Isn't this normally the scene where the protagonist of every cheesy movie ever had an epiphany of some sort? Where the hero realized that he must persevere no matter what? No such luck for you here. What you're feeling is quite the contrary. Defeat has picked up by the neck and strangled out the one last joy your life you had, plucked it right out of your heart and is now carrying it away from you, right in front of your eyes. The one thing you found some consolation in - the one thing that had remained constant both before and after your memory loss, your one guiding light was going to be snatched away from you - and you had no other choice but to let it go.

You jerk up after what feels like ages to realize that the doctor had long left the two of you alone.

"What were all those words she was saying?" you ask, hoping against hope that maybe you misunderstood some part of it. That this was just your mind being it's pessimistic self and nothing had really happened.

Seeing your wife swallow her breath and bite her lip for a second before she replies is more than enough for you - but just to be sure - you want to hear those words anyway.

"The gist of it is - you can't be a Police Officer anymore Gail." she solemnly says, and you nod in reply. Rather too vigorously.

"Isn't that wonderful." you mutter, probably coming across deranged. Not that you can help it at this point. Right now - this doctor's office is too small, the air in here too stuffy and you've learnt more than enough for the day. You get up and for the first time you see how wobbly your legs are. You can barely stand - but you so want to get away from here right now - you somehow struggle and reach the door - but not before the doctor gets back.

"Gail, we aren't done here yet." she says as kindly as she can - the kindness however is stinging you right now.

"I think I've learnt enough for the day Doc. If there's anything more I need to know you can tell me tomorrow." you cut back in one sharp breath - and before leaving you can see Holly hasn't moved from her seat at all.

"Or you can tell my wife over here." you finish and drag yourself right out of the room. The Doctor doesn't stop you - you're glad of that. Perhaps if she had you would have gone wild again and have to be sedated or something. Right now - all you want to do is just get out of here.


Dr. Taylor does come back and explain the whole medical background of the case - how it was a case that was way too risky to be operated on, with no guarantee of any improvement - the bottom line was - Gail could not be any better than she is now. And Holly really had no other choice but to accept that.

"Does she know about - ?" the Doctor gestures and Holly shakes her head.

"I was to tell her but all this started up." she sighs, and the Doctor nods in sympathy.

"She knows precisely what you've told her."

"Yep."


Well, you had no idea where to go, it was all a very nice plot to get out of the hospital and all that - but Holly had the car keys - where on Earth were you supposed to go. You're just pacing around the car - your legs seemed to have found their function now - and you're pacing furiously around the car. That's how Holly finds you - walking circles about the car - going fast enough to make you dizzy. Holly doesn't say anything as she unlocks the car, and you scramble in - too distracted to care to see if it's even Holly.

"I wanna have a drink." you groan - and you know precisely what the reply was going to be.

"You aren't allowed to drink Gail." she reminds you - and wasn't that another straw on the camel's back.

The drive back is silent - you fidgeting with your seat as Holly wordlessly drives - you're pulling away at the fabric of the car seat, trying your best to keep your emotions in check. You have this sudden urge to lie down, your legs are shaking so bad, you can barely make a coherent sentence with the way your thoughts are rushing. You're fiddling with what you thought was the lever to get the seat to lie back - but your trembling so bad you might break the thing.

"Doesn't this seat recline?" you rant - a tone that is a mixture between anguish and terror. With a little help from Holly - the seat does recline and you're now lying flat on it, too distracted to care if you've reached home or not.

Oh the onslaughts of thoughts were terrifying. What were you going to do? How were you going to ever gather the courage to go back to the station you used to call home and tell them you can't work there anymore? What were you going to do for the rest of your life? How were you going to cope with the fact that the one thing you want to do is the one thing you can't do at all? This was just splendid.

The questions never stopped really, though the car did at some point. Holly probably asked you to get inside but you didn't hear her. Your ears have been ringing for quite some time now. So she left you here – hoping you would come inside when you deemed you were ready to do so. It's now a quarter to ten in the night and you haven't eaten for a while. You're still lying in the car alone, Holly's inside - and has left you alone to take in the information.

After a lengthy mental talk with yourself, you get up from the passenger seat and move into the drivers - plugging the key in the ignition and without another thought about the rather odd time - you drive off to the Peck Residence of course.

The drive itself is a distraction - your thoughts have quietened a little. And when you do ring the bell at the front door - you can picture the disappointment on your mother's face already.

"Gail? What are you doing here so late? Is everything alright?" your mother starts gushing - and it throws you off a little. This was not the Elaine Peck you knew.

"Guess what Elaine, henceforth I can't serve in the Force - so I can't be any more of a disappointment to you now." you exclaim -trudging into the old house and throwing yourself on the couch. The reaction you get from your mother is rather surprising. For starters - you did not expect her to have tears in her eyes, with a genuine look of concern on face.

"What's happened?" Elaine asks in a motherly tone, and for some reason that's brought forth these tears you didn't even know you were holding in.

"Something about high Cortisol levels and stress and memory gaps. Holly can fill you in on the Neurology part. The gist is - I can't be in the action anymore." you explain -your voice going from a rather loud tone and ending with almost a whisper.

"You needn't quit Gail - you could always take up a desk job at the precinct or -" Elaine offers, but the sympathy again. It's killing you. Whoever thought sympathy was a comforting emotion was an idiot.

"I can't - I can't do that. I just can't" you reply shaking your head. The very thought of that - seeing your colleagues and peers all do the one job that gave you so much joy - nope the jealousy is enough to make you burn right now.

"Gail you needn't jump to anything right away." your mother softly explains, sitting in this high chair looking right at you.

"I just wanted you to know that I've disappointed you yet again –so ." you begin again - throwing every other emotion that's rising up aside. The hurt in your mother's eyes as you mouth those words though - not helping.

"Gail - let me one thing very clear. It's that you're not a disappointment at all." you mother begins, getting up and sitting down next to you on the couch. You had not come here expecting praise - and all this was rather bittersweet.

"The 15th division is proud of you. The Toronto Police Department is proud of you. And I am proud of you. Okay?" Elaine continues - and you're biting your bottom lip, not actually believing this was happening.

"You were a marvelous police officer Gail, I know you don't remember any of it but you're going to have to believe me on this. You were an amazing police officer, a proud upholder of the Peck name and you're going to be a difficult loss for the 15th division to cope with." Elaine finishes and you can't help it as you burst into tears. For the first time in what feels like eternity - Elaine hugs you as you sob, and this faint feeling of relief is heartening.

After a hearty cry - the two of you share a cup of tea - rather late in the night, and though things seem a little brighter - there was still one pressing question.

What were you going to do?