review responses!

to Sarahamanda Klaine, when do i not update soon? to XxRachelAnnexX, aww. i ship Kurtbastian the most but this thing will have all of them., some Kurtbastian, some Klaine, and maybe Huntbastian hmmm. you got me thinking about it. to Disney's Darling, ANGST ANGST ANGST i love angst so much i don't think you realise just how much i do love angst. to PenMagic, yeah. a lot of children with ADD and ADHD actually also suffer from depression so there's a whole line of possibilities of how they can act and things! to rooz33, i have no idea to be honest. i think i'm just gonna write letters until i think that we've come to an ending, but i can tell you now that i have a LONG way to go. :)

this chapter i loved writing xo Peanut Butter/Sam


#7

[From Kurt, to Blaine – Part 4]


Mr Anderson was not a very good observer he had to admit. Kurt was the one that had pointed out to him that Blaine looked like he'd been bullied.

After a talk with Blaine had only given him confirmation, Mr Anderson longed to wonder what state of mind Kurt Hummel must be in to notice the smallest of changes, and then realised the state upon seeing Kurt stare outside a window and made a small comment about the unusual weather – it was the mind of a boy that did not want to change at all, so he spotted the smallest bit of change because it made him uncomfortable.

It was harder for Kurt not to notice or observe things than it was to observe. Mr Anderson was both astounded and concerned for the young boy that seemed to analyse everything with a blink of an eye.

"Kurt?"

Kurt shifted from where he was. He'd been very silent now. Kurt had looked up to see the man that seemed to be thinking again, and Kurt knew he was wondering how Kurt was the way he was.

"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered. His voice was weak and that usually made people think that something was wrong, when Kurt didn't want them to know. "I really am," he tried to sound stronger, but it just felt really whiny to Kurt's ears.

Kurt watched as Mr Anderson stared at Kurt for the longest of time, pushing the tray of biscuits he had in the middle of the table towards him. Kurt didn't know why people did this as he was a hippo.

Kurt pushed the tray back towards him. The next time it was pushed back to Kurt, it was Blaine's tiny hands that were doing it.

"You lost weight," Blaine had said, his voice soft. "You look tinier. You're losing weight all the time."

Again, Mr Anderson was stunned because he didn't even notice the few pounds that Kurt had shed, but Blaine had. It made him wonder about his own son's observation skills, and what caused them to be completely alert to change.

Kurt shrugged, and then stared back at the tray. "It doesn't matter. I'm much." He said. "I'm much! I'm much! I'm much! I'm much!"

Blaine nodded his head, but then smiled. "Yeah, you're much! You're much strong, much good, much heart, much, much, much, but you're not fat much. You aren't—"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Kurt yelled back, grabbing fistfuls of his hair as hot tears filled those blue eyes again. If anything, he had been much – crying much, screaming much, shouting much.

Kurt had grabbed the tray by its handle, smacking it towards the floor. Some biscuit pieces had fallen onto the ground and Kurt had stomped on them, crushing them with the heel of his shoes.

He grabbed biscuits by his hands, crushing them, as he sobbed. His chest hurting. He collapsed onto the tray, grabbing a huge piece of soft biscuit that was still on it.

"Fat, I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat!" Kurt yelled repeatedly, shoving a biscuit in his mouth and then choking. He took another handful, shoving a multitude of them down his throat. Blaine jolted with every choke, and Mr Anderson had pulled Kurt from his position on the ground.

Crumbs of biscuit was still on his hands, and he was humiliated at what he'd done. He was embarrassed that he was still crying so much.

"Much…" Kurt repeated, hiccupping, as he felt the sudden uneasiness in his stomach. "Much, I'm much…I'm fat…" he shook his shoulders, but had dulled down quite a bit.

"Hush now, Kurt." Mr Anderson had called out, at a loss of what to do to the boy.

Blaine moved towards him, not knowing what to do but gave him the 'I'm so sorry this had to happen to you' look, and Kurt read it very well.

"I'm tired," Kurt had summed up his feelings all at once. "I'm really, really tired. I'm really sorry, Blaine. You look really…really…really scared and I…"

Blaine shrugged and found a soft smile through his confusion on what to do and what not to do. "I don't know what you're sorry for, Kurtie."

Kurt nodded his head and pulled himself out of Mr Anderson's hands. "I can't stand in a room with people right now. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go and lie down somewhere where there are no people and think by myself. I need to be alone right now."

Blaine nodded his head and then bit down his lower lip. "Don't let the bad thoughts get you! They will make you feel even sadder and make you cry in your sleep!"

Kurt left, feeling a bit nervous but did nothing about it. He found a small room, and just sat down. At first, he was thinking, but it didn't last. It ended with him sleeping. He was very tired when he fell asleep, and he was very tired when he woke up again.

He just wanted to stay in this place, where nothing existed and nothing can happen. Nothing will change if he stayed here.


To: Blaine

You said you don't know what I'm sorry for. I'm sorry for being really sad all the time and for yelling and screaming and I'm sorry for my breakdown in your Dad's office and I'm sorry that I hate you so much because you have a healthy Mother and she loves you and your Dad isn't sad and in mourning and you don't have to hurt whenever you look at him because your Dad's not in pain because he lost someone he can never have again. I'm sorry I hate you because you're not depressed and you've got a nice family and a pretty house. I'm sorry that I lied to you because I don't hate you and I don't think I can hate you because you're really innocent and cute and I think I scared you a bit so it balances out all the things I hate about you. I'm sorry that I hate myself so much and you have to see it, because I know you don't want me to be hurt but I can't figure out why because all I ever want to do is hurt me.

From: Kurt