Another chapter is out guys! I'm super nervous to see what you think of this one so feel free to leave a review when you're done reading.
To Kekoa and the guest reviewer, thank you! You are amazing and made my day when I read your reviews. I hope you like this chapter and I'll be dying to know your opinion on it!
Warnings: brief mention of selfharm in this chapter. Nothing serious though, so don't worry.
Also, my laptop broke down and I wrote this and posted it from my tablet. Writing here was uncomfortable and awckward, so please forgive me if the format or display of text seems odd. I hope it doesn't.
On with the show then!
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Chapter 7: It's okay
Alex walked into the store and went straight to the office. He was glad Mr. Strauss was in that day, or else he'd have to maintain long conversations with Vict. The other boy sent him a smile of greeting once he began with his tasks around the shop, and he smiled briefly back before engrosing himself in his work.
Having Victor close though, as they coincided in hallways or behind the counter, Alex felt a strange combination of wanting to get the hell away from there and not wanting the moments to end. It was confusing.
"So..." Vict approached him from behind when the store caught a break and put a hand on his shoulder, startling him "guess who passed the test?"
"That's great" Alex answered shyly, the hand on his shoulder heavier by the second.
"Just great? It's fantastic! I owe you big for helping me" Vict said, squeezing his shoulder once and letting go. Alex could breathe again.
"I was happy to help. You don't owe me anything" he continued to be on his way but not before hearing Vict say he'd think of a way to return the favor.
Alex swallowed, glad that he had his back to the other boy or he might have seen the smile he couldn't quite hide. It was a stupid goofy smile that Ben would've given him hell about and he didn't want Vict to see it. The other boy shouldn't even be causing those stupid smiles in the first place!
He glanced at the clock. One hour until closing time and he'd have to walk back home with Vict. His stomach rolled.
He was beginning to get worried. He'd spent the last few days thinking about his life, his past, and trying to figure out where these unknown feelings had place in between the most hectic episodes of his life. Since the whole mess with MI6 started, when his uncled died, there hadn't been any time to ponder on relationships and feelings. He hadn't been exactly in the right state of mind to worry about it either, there were more important things going on at the time. And he'd liked Sabina, he really had, but maybe he was beginning to think that they hadn't worked out not because of his disastrous life, but because he apparently hadn't liked her that much. He'd never felt nervous around her, never got flustered or terribly excited to see her. Not the way he couldn't stop counting the days to go to work or reaching for his phone to check incoming messages from the only person who ever texted him.
Yes, he was starting to get worried because maybe it had been true all his life and he's only just noticing now, when there's time to.
But just because there's time, doesn't mean it should happen. He had a past he couldn't get rid off. One he was reminded of every time he looked in the mirror. How could he possibly consider something like it? Yet he couldn't stop thinking about it. About him.
Vict kept trying to engage him in conversation, but Alex blew him off every time. At least tuesdays he had Mr. Strauss as an excuse. What would his excuse be on thursday? Vict beckoned him over once Mr. Strauss dismissed them for the day and Alex decided to worry about it later. Now he had a walk home to survive.
He was painfuly aware of how close the two of them were while walking, brushing their arms with every other step. Had they always walked so close to each other? Alex took a step to the left, widening the gap between them.
Vict was talking animatedly, like always, something about his team and then school. Alex didn't know what to say back. He settled with humming agreement now and then so it didn't seem like he wasn't paying attention.
He flinched when Vict clapped his back as goodbye upon arriving to the intersection. He jumped so high he had to reasure the other boy that he was fine, that he was just cold. They were reaching November after all.
Alex spared a few seconds to stare at Vict's retreating back and then shook his head. What the hell are you doing? He berated himself. The worst of it was, it wasn't the first time he caught himself watching Vict through different eyes, but it was the first time he acknowledged it.
He continued walking.
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Instead of making things better, putting a name to his confusion made everything worse.
Every day that went by, every day he had to share a shift with him and every minute he spent staring at his phone, Alex would get angrier and angrier to the point of not being able to hide his frustration.
Ben noticed, he could tell. He kept asking what was wrong and offering to set up a meeting with his therapist but how could he tell him what was actually wrong when what was wrong was him?
And things at work were taking a turn for the worst as well. Whenever he could, Alex would avoid interacting with Vict at all. He'd keep himself busy when there was actually not that much to do. He'd choose tasks that kept him as far away from the other boy as possible. Now that he was consciously keeping himself away, he was aware of how close they had become before. Had Vict noticed it too? Had he noticed Alex staring or smiling at him? And then Alex thought: would Vict feel the same way? Was he that charming with everybody or was it just him? He wanted to convince himself that Vict was like that with everybody, that there was nothing special with the way the other boy treated him, but he also couldn't help hoping.
But all his efforts of distancing himself from Vict were taking a toll on him, and his anger didn't just stay at home where he could let it out in the sparring room. It began to fall on the person causing it, leading both Vict and Alex to fall into a tense atmosphere that wouldn't need much to break.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
"What did those bats ever do to you?" Vict asked, signaling to the bats Alex was dusting off.
"Don't know what you mean" the blond replied, not lifting his eyes from his task.
"The way you're staring at them, I'm surprised they haven't burnt already"
"Huh" was all Alex said. Please go away, please go away.
"You're acting weird" Vict stated without his usual joking tone. It was said seriously.
"No, I'm not" Alex answered, standing up from his crouched position and heading for the counter. The shop was empty, there were no clients.
"Yes, you are. And for a while now" Vict followed him, unaware he was poking a dangerous bear. Or maybe doing it on purpose. Alex intended to ignore the words, but Vict kept insisting until he snapped.
"Maybe I was acting weird before and this is how I really am" the blond replied brusquely, throwing the rag he'd been cleaning the bats with under the counter and going into the office to gather some material.
"What, incredibly rude and quiet?" Vict spat back, serious enouhg to make Alex finally look up at him. He was standing at the doorway, arms crossed in front of his chest and eyes daring any contradiction to his statement. Alex's chest ached at the harsh words. He hadn't meant for his worries to reach the other boy but how could he not take distance? Otherwise he risked his feelings developing into something more and he wasn't ready to handle that. He wasn't even sure he could handle them as they were right now.
"Whatever" Alex said and continued with whatever he was doing to distract himself and keep himself busy. He could see Vict walking closer to him from the corner of his eye, and his heart was beating wildly. He didn't want to fight with him, or he might say something he'd later regret in his haste to get the other boy to back off.
But instead of talking, Alex jumped ten feet above the ground when a finger jammed into his ribs. He yelped and recoiled at the ticklish sensation. Vict jammed him with the finger again.
"What the hell are you doing?" Alex asked, trying to protect his stomach, but Vict didn't answer. He began to attack him viciously to the point of Alex not being able to stand straight and forcing him to strike back. In spite of himself, Alex laughed. He couldn't help it, he was being tickled mercilessly and since he'd joined the fight, Vict was laughing too.
They were so engaged in their ticklish war that the blond wasn't concerned about proximity until he realized they were practically in each other's arms. They were wrestling, yes, trying to avoid their hands but they were also traying to tickle the other and that meant keeping themselves close.
They were breathing hard and Alex ended up with his head on Vict's shoulder, laughing his lungs out while the other boy wouldn't stop tickling him, keeping him in a lock he wasn't sure he wanted to get out from, and then it happened. When a vicious finger found its way into a sensitive spot on his side, Alex jerked, the motion making him stumble further into Vict's embrace and their hips crashing together for an instant, but an instant was all it took for Alex to sober up and end the assault.
"Alright, enough" he pushed Vict's hands away and took a step back "Stop" he instructed and could only hope he hadn't noticed.
"That was fun" Vict said still laughing.
"No it wasn't. We're working"
"You were laughing again, so it was worth it"
Alex didn't have time to reply or wipe the stupid smile off his face because Vict stepped out of the office and into the store. Alex ran his hands through his hair and up and down his face several times, willing not only his heart rate to go down.
He checked himself. It hadn't even been that much and it wasn't visible, but it had definitely happened. There was no denying himself any further because this had been proof. He was doomed.
Costumers came and went, and they didn't speak for the rest of the shift. Alex was caught stealing glances at his coworker, keeping track of where he was at all times, but getting caught meant he was being stared back as well.
It was close to the end of the shift when Alex finished charging a costumer and closing the register before leaning his arms on the counter and just waiting out the minutes there, nothing left to do. Vict appeared by his side a few minutes later, mirroring his position over the counter.
"You're really not gonna tell me what's bothering you?" he asked. Alex shook his head.
"There's nothing to tell" he looked away when he felt Vict leaning closer to him, searching his face for signs of deceival. He was too close damn it!
"Uh huh... If you say so" Alex tsked and leaned back suddenly against the wall.
"Yes, I say so!" he replied rather rudely, the statement only proving what Vict had said about his behavior earlier. Vict followed his movement and mirrored his position again. They were now standing shoulder to shoulder, arms crossed in front of them, but where Vict's were clinging to each other loosely, Alex's were tight with tension. Vict leaned further to the right, closer to him.
"I think I know what's going on" he said, his voice calm and collected. Alex's heart jumped.
"Trust me, you've no idea" his voice was strangled, trying to make light of a situation that had him strung in all kinds of knots.
"So there is something going on!" Alex glanced at him enough to see the triumphant smile on his face before settling his eyes forward.
"If you say so..." Alex sighed.
"Oh, I say so" Vict replied with finality. They went quiet for a while. The clock was ticking by awfully fast and slow at the same time. It was almost time to go.
Suddenly, Victor leaned further to the right, closing the distance between them to make their arms touch and catching Alex completely unprepared by placing a light kiss on his cheek.
Alex gasped, his eyes widened and frozen in place. A hole the size of a mountain opened up in his stomach and he felt like he was falling from the sky, the feeling of vertigo overwhelming him for a moment. He was unable to say a word, or move away.
"Does it bother you?" Vict asked, picking up on the surprise showing on Alex's face, and gentling his smile when the blond finally managed to glance at him for a brief second.
"N-no... No. I don't know" he stuttered, feeling the temperature of his cheeks rising to uncharted levels.
"It's okay. I know it's confusing" Victor reassured him, turning back to his original position but making sure their shoulders stayed in contact.
"What is?" Alex asked with a frown, not able to calm his racing heart.
"Admiting your feelings. I mean I wasn't a hundred percent sure you liked guys..."Alex shook his head, mortified. This was not happening!
"But I'm not... I mean, I don't..." he trailed off, not sure himself how to say what he wanted to say, to which Vict's smile faltered a bit.
"You mean you like girls? Just girls?" Alex clenched the fists.
"I've never thought about it any other way" he confessed, but seing the expression on the other boy's face, he wanted to wipe the dissapointment out of it "until now..." his heart was beating like crazy and he was starting to sweat. He began chanting in his head 'I'm fine. I'm fine. I have two arms and I have two legs...'
"So you do like men" Alex swallowed and shook his head again. He wasn't sure!
"I like you" he finally admitted, not just to the other boy but to himself. He hadn't even meant to say it out loud and the overwhelming need to get out of there slammed into him full force. What the hell was he doing?! His body stiffened and he took a step to the side, enough to break the contact of their arms.
"Well, I'm flattered" Vict said, that dangerous smile of his making a reappearance on his face "so that settles it then" he added, clasping his hands together and making Alex jump from the sudden noise.
"What?" he asked reluctantly. Vict was looking at him with such bright eyes that it was hard to look away.
"You and me, we're going on a date" the taller boy answered, gesturing between them. The idea struck him as so bizarre that there was really no other answer he could've given.
"No" he deadpanned. Him going on a date? And with another guy no less? That wasn't just asking for trouble, that was creating the trouble himself.
"Come on! It'll be fun! We kind of like the same things. We could go-"
"I said no!" Alex interrupted him harshly and stepped completely away from him.
"Geez, calm down. I thought you said-"
"I know what I said" Alex interrupted him again and, this time, Vict's demeanor changed as well. He dropped his cheerful persona and regarded Alex with what appeared to be sadness in his eyes. He seemed like he was assesing something and as much as Alex wanted to look away, he found he couldn't.
"It's okay. I understand" and the worst part was that he apparently did understand. He didn't look mad or even terribly dissapointed, he just ketp looking at him and offering that small bloody beautiful smile that Alex liked to think was reserved only for him "Admitting it to ourselves is the hardest part"
"We should close the store" Alex stated and turned away to head for the office, ending the conversation abruptly.
Neither of them talked during the amount of time it took them to get their things, close the register and kill the lights. It was time to go home.
They silently started walking side by side. It wasn't like they'd walk through the same street from opposite sides of it. Besides, they weren't angry with each other. They really weren't.
Alex's mind was a hurracaine of thoughts and he ached to go running just so he could make it stop. What was he getting himself into? He liked spending time with Vict, talking to him and joking around, but was he ready to accept that the other boy apparently liked him back? He already knew he couldn't deny the way Vict made him feel every time he laughed or squeezed his shoulder. Every time he put his hand at the back of his neck as a sign of reassurance and every time he looked at him and sent him that small intimate smile that always managed to make him smile in return. No, there was no denying that.
Alex looked up to where Vict had gotten a few steps ahead and ran the distance that now separated them to step right in front of him and cut off his pass. Alex had to tilt his head up to lock his eyes with his and he opened his mouth to talk but found that he couldn't. He didn't know what he wanted to say. Did he want to apologize or tell him off again? What did he want? He asked himself, but no words left his mouth. His eyes seemed to send a clearer message though, because Vict smiled and put his hand a the back of Alex's neck in the now familiar gesture of support.
"It's okay" he repeated the words he'd said at the store, glancing into the brown pool of eyes that were apparently doing all the talking for him. Vict must have been seeing every one of Alex's feelings at the moment: fear, reluctance, doubt, confusion but also excitement and definitely wanting. Alex felt like he'd burst if he didn't step away now and ran like hell away from the person who was making his fragile knowledge of himself shatter before his very own eyes. He needed to leave now. He wanted to leave. He also didn't want to look away.
Finally determination set into his brain and without further adue he leaned forward and crashed his lips into his. Vict stepped back from the unexpected move but immediately recovered to kiss the blond boy back. Their lips molded to fit eachother but just when Vict was about to open his mouth and deepen the kiss, Alex took an abrupt step back and ended the moment.
The kiss hand't been long enough to make them lose their breath, but Alex was panting either way. He had his eyes fixed at chest level, not able to meet Vict's gaze and he had one hand fisted on the front of his jacket. His breath was making white clouds appear on the chilly night air.
Vict moved his hand from his neck to his shoulder.
"It's okay Alex" he said the same and only words spoken between them for the past half hour: it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Alex still couldn't answer back "come on. I'll walk you home" Alex nodded and, for the third time since they'd met, Vict accompanied him through the streets that guided them to his apartment.
They said their goodbyes at the front gate, no other words or touches exchanged. Just a wave of the hand followed by the barest of smiles. Alex waited until Vict was out of view before opening the door and heading for the stairs. He climbed to the first floor and fished the keys out of his pocket. For the first time in a long time, his mind hadn't needed his morning run to be quiet. After the kiss, during the walk home, he'd been hiper aware of the moment and the person beside him, nothing other than the here and now taking residence in his mind, and that's when he became as addicted to it as he was addicted to his runs.
As always Ben was waiting for him to eat, but Alex walked straight to the bathroom. He didn't think he could face Ben at the moment.
He'd just kissed another guy! How could he ever explain that to him? He'd think he was crazy for having feelings towards another boy considering what had happened to him. Especially because of what'd happened. He should be afraid of men in general, he should be repulsed by their touch, not falling for one! Yet Vict didn't scare him. Of course, he was scared of his feelings, terrified of what the kiss tonight meant for their relationship, but he wasn't scared of the boy himself. He was sweet, and dumb and energetic and funny. He was normal and yet he was not. The thing was, he made Alex feel normal and that's something he hadn't felt in a long, long time.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror, making sure there was no evidence of the kiss there, not that it had been long enough to leave any. Would Ben think he was normal if he found out? Would he flip out?
He took a deep breath and braved his way out of the bathroom. Ben was calling for him, asking about his day. They sat down at the table. There was a plate of spagetti in front of him and he started playing with his fork, twirling the pasta over and over at the edge of the plate.
"Wolf called. He wanted to know how things were going" Ben said to which Alex hummed, eyes fixed on his plate "I think he was looking to take his mind off things. He was telling me about this mission a few months back that..." but Alex wasn't listening. He forced a bite down his throat and continued to play with his food.
He'd kissed another man. And he'd been kissed back. He was pretty sure his heart had been about to burst inside his chest but it hadn't been from fear. During those few seconds he'd felt free and happy beyond boundaries. He'd been himself.
Himself... Was he okay with it? With liking another guy enough to kiss him, to wanting maybe even more than just kiss? His stomach dropped at the thought and he rested his head on one hand while the other gripped the fork tightly. Did he want more than just kiss Vict? When they'd been tickling each other at the store his body had started to respond to the other boy's close proximity and he'd freaked, because it was the first time he'd felt that kind of excited around anyone. Was he seriously considering, even for a moment, that he could go there with anyone?
Alex's eyes started to burn. What was wrong with him? Thinking about intimating with another boy...another man. An overwhelming sense of guilt burned through him making his throat tight itself in a painful knot.
As the tears started to fall from his eyes, he could hear Ben in the background, asking what was wrong, but all Alex could do was shake his head. He was making a monumental effort to not start sobbing incontrollably, but he squeezed his eyes shut and dropped the fork on the table. Tears kept leaking through his tightly closed lids, and he turned around to face away from Ben when the older man crouched at his side. He couldn't possibly tell him what was wrong. He'd hate him.
"Come on, Alex. What's the problem"
I am!
"If you need help with anything, you just have to ask. You know that"
I need help understanding this!
But he remained quiet. Eventually he caved under Ben's tugging to turn back around and hid his face on the other man's chest. Ben held him and let him cry for another while.
"If you don't want to talk about it now, that's fine. Just know that I'm here for anything"
Not this.
Alex thought again and broke the embrace. He sniffled and wiped away the tears still making their way down his cheeks. Not for this.
"I'm not hungry. I'll just go to sleep" he said in a broken voice and Ben let him go.
Ben watched as the blond dragged heavy feet to his bedroom, worried about Alex's emotional display. It had stopped being a novelty for Alex to let Ben see him in any kind of vulnerable state. God knew they'd crossed that line a long time ago, but the ex-spy still ached whenever Alex wasn't okay.
Ever since Alex confessed to having ill thoughts about himself, Ben had never stopped worrying about him taking any kind of action on them. Even when the blond began to show signs of recovery, when the good days outshined the bad, Ben still watched out for signals. Dr. Gwen wasn't just Alex's therapist, she had been his as well and every time he noticed Alex getting sad or angry, he remembered the words she made sure he understood before her sessions with Alex began.
Getting out of depression is a hard process. Some people are able to bounce back into their lives in a matter of months, but for some people it can take years. They'll always be at the edge of falling right back in if things get out of hand again. Alex has a long road ahead of him. Thoughts of selfharm usualy develop quietly and unavertedly until they're deeply ingrained in the mind and, most importantly, the heart. They may even never go away, but they can be fought and they can be locked. I'm sure that with the proper support system, Alex will be able to thrive from this.
So no, he never stopped worrying and he was sure something was going on with Alex. He didn't want to become a bother, but he'll watch him close, ready to step in if things escalated. He made a promise long ago never to let his brother down again and he wasn't going to break it now.l
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Man, was it hard to get this chapter out. I struggled through it and I'm still not convinced I'm satisfied with it, but hopefully you guys will… Alex finally acknowledged his feelings towards Vict and acted on them. How will things change between them now?
I'd love to read your thoughts about it and maybe what you'd like to see happening next. I have a pretty clear picture of what'll happen in the upcoming chapters, but I can always beinfluenced by requests as long as they fit the storyline in my mind.
Until next chapter!
