Chapter 7:
Electric Boy
(Johnny)
Ponyboy knows I love him, and now he hates me.
Ever since I gave him my letter, he's been locked up in his room. I haven't seen him even once over the course of a whole day. Sodapop told me Pony's not feeling well, but I know he's just avoiding me. He must feel disgusted by what I wrote to him. Why wouldn't he feel that way? Boys aren't supposed to love boys. There's something wrong with me, something really wrong. Pony finally sees that, he sees the truth of who I am… and now he hates me.
Dally and Cherry just left to go on their first date. I couldn't even get myself to say goodbye to them, I feel so worked up. I've felt shaky and panicky all day long. I can't breathe quite right and I keep feeling like the walls are crowding in on me.
Soda spent most of the afternoon with me. At one point, he asked me if I was okay, and I told him yes. He obviously knows I'm not okay, but thankfully, he hasn't pried anymore. However, he has refused to leave my side all day, which is a little irritating but also real nice of him. He's tried his best to keep me preoccupied with happy things, like smoking and building sandcastles. I've wanted to be alone all day, but I know it's better for me to try to have fun with a friend. And Sodapop is the best friend to have around when you're upset… well, aside from Ponyboy. But Ponyboy may never be my friend again.
Soda seems to have run out of fun things to do together, so now we're just sitting on the couch watching TV. We haven't said much to each other, but it's nice to just have him here with me. I listen to his peaceful, even breaths, and I try to imitate them.
I'm looking out the window at the sunset when I hear footsteps on the stairs. My head turns toward the sound so fast that I feel like I gave myself whiplash. I watch as Ponyboy reaches the end of the stairs, his bright green-gray eyes trained on me. His long, reddish brown hair is greased back as always, and I can't help but wish I could run my hands through it. He looks tall standing above me, but not in a scary kind of way; no, he looks tall in the kind of way that makes me feel heat in the pit of my stomach. He crosses his arms over his chest like he always does when he's nervous. I find no hatred in his kind eyes. Instead, he's looking at me like I'm his friend.
"You feeling better, Pony?" Sodapop asks a bit suspiciously.
Ponyboy, who looks perfectly healthy, says, "Yeah. Actually, I feel pretty great." He looks at me, and he smiles.
I blush hotter than ever, and then I smile back at him.
Sodapop suddenly says, "I'm going to eat some cake." He pops up off the couch and saunters into the kitchen with his thumbs in his pockets like he's trying to be casual. I wonder if he knows, but then I realize I don't care if he knows or not. All I care about right now is Ponyboy.
I stare at him quietly, waiting for him to speak. Now he starts to blush.
Ponyboy swallows nervously, and then he says, sounding embarrassed, "Do you want to see a movie with me?"
"Yeah," I say automatically, even though I'm stunned by his abrupt question. As much as I want to see a movie with him, I wish he would tell me what he's thinking about my letter.
"Cherry was telling me what movies are playing at the theater down the street," Ponyboy says, "and there was one that I thought you might be interested in."
"What is it?"
"Gone with the Wind."
If I thought I couldn't blush any more than I already was, I was wrong. Gone with the Wind is the book I bought for him, the book I placed my letter in. I clench my hands into fists to keep them from shaking.
"I'm interested," I say as firmly as I can.
The movie is starting in about twenty minutes, so we begin to walk down to the theater. An anxious silence hangs between us most of the time, but as we approach the end of our walk, I finally steady my breathing enough that I can speak.
"Pony, I've gotta say, I'm real surprised that you want to see a movie with me."
"Of course I want to see a movie with you." Tentatively, Ponyboy reaches out to touch my shoulder, and I feel like I'm going to shiver right out of my skin. He meets my eyes and says, "You're my best friend, Johnnycake. Why wouldn't I want to see a movie with you?"
I feel light after he says that, like I might float away if his hand weren't on my shoulder holding me down to earth with him. I'm still his best friend.
We head into the theater, where Ponyboy buys tickets and popcorn for us to share. The theater is nearly empty. We sit in a row all to ourselves at the top of the theater. As we wait for the movie to start, we pass the popcorn back and forth. I feel much more relaxed with him now, but I'm also a little suspicious since he hasn't once mentioned my letter. Is he pretending nothing has changed? The only change I'm really seeing in him is how he now seems to be much more aware of my presence. He keeps sneaking glances at me, and I keep pretending I don't notice.
When the movie begins, Ponyboy transforms. He watches the screen wide-eyed and wonder-filled, his imagination transporting him so completely into the world of Scarlett O'Hara. I try to watch the movie too, but I would much rather watch Ponyboy. I just love how much he loves movies.
At one point, I notice Scarlett and Rhett Butler kissing onscreen, and then I notice Ponyboy looking at me. We accidentally meet eyes. In panicky embarrassment, I quickly glance back at the movie. The actors are still kissing and I just want them to stop. I shift around in my seat, putting my arm up on the arm rest.
Suddenly, I feel Ponyboy's arm next to mine. Before I know what's happening, he's pressing his palm up against my palm and threading his fingers in between my fingers. Without even thinking about it, my fingers lock together with his. I stare at our hands, uncomprehending at first, but then understanding so fully that I feel like I might pass out. We're holding hands. We've held hands before, but this feels different. This feels like we're moving toward something new, exciting, electric.
I dare to look into Ponyboy's face again. He's still staring at me, but now he looks terrified. I give his hand a reassuring squeeze. Don't be scared of me. I worry that he'll let go, but he doesn't. Instead, he holds onto my hand even more tightly. He turns his attention back to the movie, but he still looks pretty freaked out. We hold hands for the rest of the movie. I want to let myself be happy, but I know something is wrong.
When the movie ends, we just sit there in silence. After the few other people in the theater have gone, Ponyboy starts to cry. I'm so stunned by his sudden tears that I can't think of anything to say. Instead of comforting him with words, I just put my arm around his shoulders and hold him. He lets his head loll onto my shoulder. Warm tears soak through my shirt. His body shakes against mine.
When his whimpers begin to die down, he croaks, "I don't understand what's happening to me."
I feel an ache in my heart. "Pony, let's go outside. You need some fresh air."
"Okay," he mumbles, sniffling.
I keep my arm around Ponyboy as we leave. There is only a slight breeze outside, not enough to cool me down. I've been feeling uncomfortably hot with the threat of my own tears ever since Ponyboy started crying. I can't stand seeing him upset.
"Do you want to talk about… things?" I ask uncertainly. "Maybe we could, uh, take a walk on the beach?"
"Sure, Johnny."
We're quiet the rest of the way to the beach. Usually I don't mind silence, but this time, I do. Once we reach the dark beach, we kick off our shoes and head down to the seashore. We walk along the water's edge, right where it can wash up on our feet. For just a moment, the cool water on my skin cleanses me of all the bad feelings. I stare up at the moon. It's blood red.
"A strange moon for a strange night," I comment.
"Why is tonight strange?" Ponyboy asks, still sounding miserable.
"How isn't it strange?" I say with a nervous laugh. "It's so strange being around you when you know that I… uh, when you know how I feel."
He lets out a forced laugh of his own. "Yeah. You know what else is strange? Going out on a date with you."
A heavy, startling warmth settles over my whole body, and I stop moving. Ponyboy, who has been nestled against my side the whole time, stops with me. The only sound is our breathing.
"Ponyboy," I say softly, "was this supposed to be our first date?"
"Well… yeah. I just wanted to see what it would be like, to date you I mean. I wanted to see if I liked it."
"And did you like it?"
"I did," he says, his voice cracking.
I feel lightning under my skin, shocking every nerve ending in my body. I am holding the boy I love and he is telling me that he likes dating me. We are no longer moving toward something electric, we are electric.
"This seems impossible," I murmur dreamily.
"That's because it is impossible."
Ponyboy pulls away from me, and my arm collapses against empty space. I turn to look at my electric boy. He is a shadow against the night sky.
"Johnny, this can't be happening. There's no way that I can feel like this about you. Boys don't like boys. I'm supposed to like girls. And I do, I think. But now I like you too, and I don't get it. I don't get how everything could change for me just because I read a letter. I don't get how I can look at someone who's always just been my buddy and now he's suddenly…"
He starts crying again. Automatically, I reach out to pull him into an embrace.
"Oh my God," he sobs, fists clenched against my chest. "What should we do?"
His shoulder blades feel sharp under my fingers. "I don't know."
Without thinking, I kiss the top of his head. He breathes in sharply, and then he wraps his arms around me. He rests his head against my chest. His sobs slowly lapse into even breaths.
"This is possible," I say, "because it is happening. I don't know how it's possible, but it is."
He holds onto me tighter than before. "No one else will understand."
A chill runs through me at the thought of telling our friends. They wouldn't understand. Hell, I barely understand.
"You're right," I say, "but it doesn't matter if anyone understands. This is about us, not them. This is about how we feel."
"You're right," he says, his voice so small that the wind nearly swallows it up. "This is about us."
I look up at the cold blood moon and I feel distant from it. Instead, I feel closer to the warm, bright stars. Holding Ponyboy makes me feel like I'm full of stars. I hope I can hold him for the rest of my life.
A/N: Hey guys! I just wanted to thank everyone who has stuck it out with me as I slowly write this story. I can't believe it has taken me this long to reach this point. Thank you so much for your patience and your continued dedication to my story. I love this story so much, so I'm very excited to share it with you. I wish I had more time to work on it, but for now I really can't promise more than a couple chapters every few months. However, I am very passionate about these characters and I'm determined to see their story through to the end. I hope that you're still interested in this story after all of this time, and I hope that you continue to be interested in it. I will try to post again as soon as I can. Thanks again for reading! :)
